Lilith's Gift
by Squire of Gothos
Summary: A chance to do things over. A chance to make things right, even if only with one person.
1. Breakdown

Chapter 1

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

---

Circa Third Impact

---

Unnatural. Her current form was as unnatural as it was necessary. Effervescent solar winds caressed her naked white form as she knelt on the planet of her birth. She was perhaps one quarter the size of the earth itself if appearances were used for measurement, but for all her massive bulk, she was mostly insubstantial, which was why the planet was undisturbed, relatively speaking.

Her current state was unrecognizable to those she used to call her acquaintances, and acquaintances were all she had been given in her life. Back when things had been normal, as normal as things could be, the only one closest to a friend had been Shinji Ikari, and then she had sacrificed her life and her memories to save him. Her life, worthless as it was, had been returned to her, but her memories had remained hidden, until the very end.

Memories, and self, both fractured because of who, or more precisely what, she was. A clone, but which? A being, alien, but of what kind? Angel, but not. Human, in a manner of speaking. Not Angel, not quite human, or maybe both, twice dead so far, or three times if you took the meaning of death to be the ceasing of a previous existence followed by a cataclysmic change into a vast entity that had swallowed the souls of the surviving remnants of earth in an effort to save them because of a plea by the one person that might have been important to her.

The dark sphere hovering between her massive white hands, full of the remnants of humanity. Inside, an ocean of souls. She could not rest in her body. It was too different, it reminded her of her true heritage, and she could not face it without becoming what she did not want to become. Reality tugged at her, pushed her insistently, she could feel it, as if it were an insistent guest, hand light on her shoulder.

A guest who would not let her go, would not let up until she admitted who she was, and cast aside her former shell. But that shell, that humanity, it too was her, a guest whose light touch was on her other shoulder, whispering to her.

_Don't forget me. Don't forget who you were._

The other also whispered.

_You can't ignore me. You can't look away from who you are._

Pushed one way, then the next, harried almost to tears by her shared heritage, she skimmed the ocean of souls, looking for respite, for anyone at all who would understand.

Asuka Soryu. She was caught in a mire of self, bombarded by images and feelings she had never confronted in life. Her fellow pilot was in the same straights she herself was in.

Shinji Ikari. He too was caught in a struggle. Worse than that, he was so completely intertwined with her, with what was happening, to approach him, to ask him to bear her burden along with his own, it wasn't safe.

The Commander. He had been punished, killed by Shinji some time ago.

Ritsuko Akagi, killed by the Commander before this had all started.

Misato Katsuragi, dead even before that.

Everyone besides these were the same, a sea of unfamiliar faces, people she did not know. The pain of loneliness was only tempered by the sure knowledge that of those five people that she could call acquaintances, only one had been what might have been called a friend, and that itself was questionable. It appeared she had done the right thing by staying aloof from others. After all, was it worth having so many negative ties just to get one possible close companion?

Perhaps, if she had opened up to more, she would have a true companion, an ally in all this. But all the negative ties needed to gain such an ally, the possible repercussions might have been terrible.

There was no point in counting possibilities. All she had were her two heritages, pulling at her, and one possible friend, Shinji. He was Ikari, if she ever spoke to him, but when safely in her mind, he was Shinji. Once again she hesitantly reached out to him, as she always did, and as she never did with anyone else.

He responded, accepted her, as he usually did. Even in this strangeness, with the pulling of her other selves and everyone else, there was this bit of normal, of the familiar. A meeting of the minds, not unlike what happened in real life.

Two presences approached, decided on how to interact, and whether to accept or reject the other's reality. Here things were more fluid, but it was still the same. She presented herself, and waited for him to respond. It did not matter what he asked, she would accept. After a time, she saw his wish, acquiesced to it, and their realities merged.

Gentle orange light reflected off liquid that was neither too hot nor too cold. It moved slowly, currents drifting, providing a soothing comfort of motion against their naked merged forms. The rest of humanity whispered in the distance, close enough to be a comforting presence, but not so close as to be imposing.

She looked down at him, at the enigmatic boy she wanted to call friend. He looked up at her, the shock of what had preceded wiping away any trace of expression, anything that would tell her what was going on in his mind, which was now closed to her in this new world.

Seconds trickled by, subjectively speaking, as she waited. If all he wanted was a comforting presence, she would be that presence. To know what to do, to be able to read another's mind and see what they wanted, it was comforting to her. She who had long wrestled with who she was and what might be her purpose in life.

"Ayanami."

That was her name. She blinked once, felt a bead of perspiration trickle down from her damp hair as she waited for him to say whatever it was he was going to say. Or more probably, ask whatever he was going to ask.

"What is this place?"

His question did not bother her. Most people, herself included, did not truly understand what they wished for. So she told him. Explained to him that this was his wish, his innermost desire. It was hers as well, but she did not say that. It was so rare for her to experience a happiness that she was not willing to say or do anything extraneous that might prompt things to change.

Soon enough, it happened anyway. She saw the shift in his eyes, the regret, and the hope when he realized on his own that he had the option to go back. But she could not. When he went back, she would die, and in doing so give all of humanity freedom once again.

It was fitting, a neat resolution, but that did not stop the sorrow from being just as strong and exquisite as the happiness had been. None of this showed on her expression, however, for she was not willing to influence him in any way. So many others had already exerted influence, tried to use him for their own wishes, and made his life a hell. She would not be one of them.

Again, acquiescing to his new unspoken wish, she felt herself separate from him, their bodies unmerging. As she drifted up towards nothingness, he suddenly reached up, taking her hand and stopping her.

"Thank you," he said, and she watched numerous complex emotions cross his expression. She felt his hand begin to release, and she looked up at the orange sky, preparing herself to face the nothingness that undoubtedly awaited her, when his grip tightened suddenly. She looked back down, quickly taking stock, wondering if she had accidentally let her sorrow show. Had he somehow discovered her own carefully hidden wish? She would never forgive herself if that had happened, if she had unconsciously manipulated him, but there was no way to be certain.

As she wondered what to do, she found her thoughts suddenly obliterated by the one she feared most. The dark presence, the Other, the one who was always there, her Angelic heritage, suddenly focused its complete attention on her. She was caught, held frozen while a bright light shone through her soul, as the Other scrutinized her. Shinji was still holding her hand, and he was talking, asking her something, but she could not hear. There was a sensation of movement, then nothing.

* * *

She opened her eyes, as if from a blink, aware only of a gap in her train of consciousness. The sky was dark, the white moon overhead shedding light on the dark reddish seas which tossed gently beneath her feet. She waited, but there were no shifts, no sudden changes, no quiet murmur of the souls of humanity around her. Afraid even to move, she watched idly out of the corner of one eye as a massive white figure gently, slowly, settled to the earth, its head ripping away and floating some distance away into the sea.

_My head,_ she realized. She did not even try to understand how she could exist and think without a head or body, but somehow she knew it was only temporary. Her current awareness was perhaps the last dying gasp of her billowing white body, slowly deflating and melting in the distance.

Movement drew her attention, ripples in the sea a dozen yards away. Bubbles. A head broke the surface, followed by a body, fully clothed. Had she not been afraid to move, she would have breathed a sigh of relief. Shinji had survived. This was the real world, she knew that now, felt it.

She watched, joy at his survival tinged with the sorrow of her imminent death, whenever that would be. As he began to move, slowly making his way towards the shore in the distance, she wondered at the previous reality. He had been about to change his mind, she had seen this. Perhaps he had simply been too late. Some things, once set in motion, were impossible to reverse.

It was painful to remember. Hope had battled with sorrow, and regret that she had possibly influenced his decision, and the sudden emotions had been so sharp, so painful. So unlike the common ever-present loneliness she had endured her whole life. Shinji's arrival in Tokyo Three had prompted many emotional upheavals, even if she had not been willing to show them all outwardly. In the end she did not know which she preferred, the unknown and possibly painful or possibly pleasurable, or the safe predictable loneliness.

It did not matter. Things were set now, he would continue and she would be given the nothingness she had always been promised. Whether for better or worse, each of them would get their wish. If only she had not been given a taste of the unknown, she would be perfectly at ease.

* * *

_Mom..._

For a moment he felt her leaving, rising into the sky with the final operational Eva, then he was human again, surrounded by water. He slowly rose, buoyed up to the placid surface. He wasn't thinking, wasn't feeling, wasn't doing anything, just responding on instinct alone. If he thought, if he felt, if he did anything of his own will, he would have to remember what he had done, and where he was now.

After having all his mental blocks destroyed, it felt as if he had been repeatedly violated for all the world to see, again and again, and just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. Then people had come and gone, people he had known in life. All the vagueness he had clothed himself with, all the questions he had ever hidden behind, they were all laid bare, put to him directly in a way he couldn't escape. At the end, he simply couldn't think, couldn't reason. He had seen his father, and had ended the man's life without a thought. Or rather, he had watched as someone else did it, saying nothing to stop them. Her. His mother. She had done the deed in front of his eyes, and he had said nothing. He only thanked whatever powers that were that he had not killed anyone else.

Someone was behind all this, had to be, but he had no idea. When he should have been asking that question, looking for the real perpetrators to punish, he had simply lay back, exhausted and in shock, numb from what he had experienced. He almost didn't remember Rei's touch in that orange place, her look of complete acceptance, how she never asked anything of him. Looking into her eyes, all he could see were the many deaths that were on his hands. People, real people, not just angels and monsters. They didn't deserve to die, not like that. All because he had run away.

If running away caused people to die, if it let others down, he'd never run away again.

He chuckled, then gasped and sputtered, head drifting just above the waves as he swam weakly towards the shore in the distance that never seemed to get any closer. All that was just words, thoughts, wishes. The first sign of discomfort, he'd probably avoid it, or try to. That was just human nature. Why did everyone hate him for that? His thoughts suddenly flew into disarray at the sight of an impossible figure off to one side.

Rei.

She was right there, he didn't know how he'd missed her. He took in a breath of air to call out, then realized she was standing on the waves. On top of them. That didn't speak well as to whether this was reality or just another dream.

He didn't even think about swimming over to where she was. If she was illusion, it would just hurt more. She was one of the few who had actually treated him as a friend, the few times they had been together. Better to let the image be, rather than disturb it and have it possibly vanish. The vision was just that, either a manifestation of his mind, or the last gasp of the previous torment, and either way it was a painful reminder. The last time he had seen her, the her he knew, was when she had died protecting him from an Angel.

Sea salt stung his eyes, making his vision blur for a moment. His shoe thudded against something and he stumbled, nearly going down beneath the waves. His legs were rubbery as he waded ashore, gravity suddenly pulling him down. Dragging himself onto the damp white sand, he just lay there, breathing heavily as the water lapped at his waterlogged shoes. It was warm, the perpetual summer not yet broken by the holocaust he had unleashed, but he still shivered, the air cold against his wet clothes.

The distant horizon was already beginning to brighten with the coming dawn, but he had never felt more tired. Looking around at the desolate wasteland for a moment, he shuddered once, then closed his eyes. On the upside, there would be no annoyingly insistent red-headed alarm clock trying to wake him up to go to school.

He awoke to a splitting headache that he soon found was caused by the sun burning through his slitted eyes. Rolling over with a groan, he covered his eyes until the pounding stopped, and he sat up. His mouth was so dry it hurt to swallow.

He still couldn't think. It was still too fresh. He looked around, and regretted it. The silent landscape castigated him for a time, until he got up and started walking. The rhythmic pounding of his feet against the ground calmed him, reminding him of when he walked to school. It was lonely then too. That was it, he was just walking to school. It didn't matter that he didn't see anyone now, he'd see them eventually, the nearer he got to those buildings in the distance.

Some time later he was sitting back against a hard wall outside an abandoned convenience store, emptying the second bottle of water. Tossing aside the plastic container, he leaned back with a sigh of relief. He never knew how much pleasure could be had from something so simple as taking a drink. For a time he just sat there breathing heavily, until the past caught up with him, and again forced him to go walking. He was nearly a mile away when common sense drove him back so that he could collect all that a backpack could hold. Not his backpack, one he'd found along the way.

Somehow, after a day of walking, he'd ended up back at the beach. He didn't know how, and it didn't matter. He had gone nowhere, but at least he had outrun the memories. Careful not to think too deeply, he sat down, then lay down, using a blanket he had found for a pillow, and closed his eyes. He tried not to think how the beautiful sunset was made the more-so by the orange waves stretching to the horizon.

The quiet motionless blue-haired figure stood on the waves, and watched over him as he slept.

* * *

He awoke, and hunger drove him to scavenge. At least this time he was not just running from the memories. He let himself be driven by the simple needs of primitive man. When he was hungry, he ate. When he was thirsty, he drank. When he was tired, he slept. Each day he went farther and farther from the beach, and each day the memory of that horror grew fainter.

Each day as he walked away from the beach, when he turned to look back at the lonely waves, he lingered less. He knew there would come a day when he didn't return to this place, when Rei's motionless figure would stand guard over an empty beach. Maybe she would leave then. Or if she left first, maybe then he'd leave. It didn't matter.

He had almost forgotten about why he had tacked that small white cross up on a piece of debris. Almost forgotten about the woman who had been his guardian, who had burned a kiss onto his lips, then sent him away while she died protecting him. He would never again feel lips against his. He'd never again see anyone. Except Rei, for as long as she lingered.

Today was the day. He'd leave today. There was nothing more for him here. Turning to go, it felt as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders, and he walked on, as he always walked. It was only by chance that he came back one last time, to retrieve the cross. It wasn't something he could just leave, and by the time he had been several miles gone, he already regretted not taking it.

It wasn't like he was pressed for time, so he went back. Dropping the heavy pack, he knelt, and carefully pulled it loose, turning it over and over in his hands for a few long minutes. He removed the tack, throwing it away. Standing, he cast one last look over the gently rolling waves, then dragged his gaze back to the path ahead of him, the invisible path that led away, into the future, for as long as he could survive.

He stopped abruptly, turned back towards the ocean, his eyes searching out what he had missed before. There. Something new. Some_one_ new. The pack slipped limply from his fingers and his hesitant steps took him over to the water's edge where he fell to his knees. She lay there, waterlogged red tresses and all, and she had never looked so good. She was another human, and she was breathing, and that was all that mattered. Now she too was doomed, like he was. Unless more decided to return, as his mother had promised was now possible. But at least she was alive.

And injured. She was badly injured. A thin trail of blood ran from her arm to the ocean. Her right arm, which looked like it had been split right down the middle. Trembling, he felt the long gash, felt that the bone was still there, and intact. He shuddered, looking around helplessly. She needed serious medical help, but that just wasn't possible.

It was a long harrowing painful run to the town where he had found his provisions, and the whole way there he cursed himself for not already having some kind of first aid kit, or _anything._ It was just common sense. After a desperate but successful search, he cursed himself the whole way back, hoping she hadn't woken up and wandered off.

His heart hammered in his ears as he came within sight of the beach, and he didn't stop until he was sure that pile of dark red was her hair and plug suit, not just a pile of something else. His sides heaved as he sank into the sand in relief, dropping the medical kit. He just sat there for a few moments, staring dumbly at her bleeding into the sand before he started to work.

Her arm he bandaged up, fingers trembling at the damage. Her eye he patched over, hiding the bloody eyelid, a thin covering over the ruined eye, its pupil white and lifeless. Then he cursed himself again, and unwrapped her arm, washing it out with clean water from his supply of bottles before wrapping it up a second time.

Finally satisfied, he sat down again, staring first at Asuka's still form, and then at his bloody hands. Washing them off absentmindedly, he kept watch over her rest. An hour later, he cast a despairing look back at Rei's silent form on the water, desperately wondering what to do.

Night fell, and he slept.

He awoke, still wondering what to do. Surprisingly, when he trickled water over her cracked lips, she swallowed once, but that was it. No other response. Went back and forth between the town and the beach, looking for useful things, but mostly just to burn off restlessness, and what food he scavenged. It was wasteful, he knew, but he couldn't help it.

He could only hope that since Asuka was motionless, she would not need to eat as much. He had no idea how he would get her to eat if she was comatose. Later that evening, he managed to get her to very slowly drink about half a bottle of water. When he lay down to sleep, he couldn't keep his cheeks from burning for a moment as he considered her resting form yards away. Mostly from embarrassment at what he'd done before this all had started. Only Rei's calm gaze kept him from doing it again.

* * *

The next morning he awoke to Rei's motionless figure on the water and Asuka's still form on the sand. The only evidence she still lived was her slow intake and outbreath, and the claw marks in the sand next to her right hand, fist now limp. He blinked, wondering at the change. Well, at least she was moving, which probably meant it wasn't a coma. He momentarily wished he knew more about medicine, then wondered if there were any books in town.

After getting her to drink some more, and setting up a make-shift shade over her to protect her from the sun, he journeyed into town to search for books. It was something to do.

He returned later that day, carrying more supplies to add to the ones he already had brought each time he made the trip. He had found books, but guilt gnawed at him, since none had been medical. Maybe if he'd spent more time searching.

His face flamed when he noticed she had managed to partially shrug out of the suit, which had slowly lost its skin-tight seal. Probably from lack of power. Fears danced through his head of bedsores, or some kind of infection or something caused by prolonged contact with water trapped inside the suit, but her skin was still white and smooth.

He had already washed himself twice since awakening, both time in cold water in whatever deserted house still had running water. Many of them did. Hormones twisted and tugged him in all directions as he admitted to himself that she needed to bathe, or his previous fears might happen. He stood there wracked with guilt and hormones before finally sitting down with a sigh.

Tomorrow. He'd make the trip tomorrow. It would be harder because he'd have to carry her. After successfully getting her to drink, he slept.

-and groggily awoke to find it still pitch black and a heavy shaking crying mass on top of him. His body reacted automatically, and he put his arms around her. Her, Asuka. She was shaking, and crying softly, her arms wrapped in a death grip around his neck. Everything was still hazy from fatigue, and he didn't know what to do. He tried not to think about her plug-suit tangled at her knees, or that he was sleeping in only shirt and shorts because it was warm.

He struggled weakly, and had nearly extracted himself from her grasp when she spoke weakly, a single word that changed everything.

"Shinji," she mumbled, and he stopped struggling. Somehow, she knew it was him. She said his name again, plaintively, and he found it impossible to struggle against her any more. After all he had been through, it just seemed pointless. Everyone was dead, and the two of them would be soon enough anyway.

He awoke with a gasp, memory hazy with fatigue, and looked over to where Asuka was lying, as usual, with eyes wide open. He knew if he watched long enough, he'd catch a blink. Had the previous night really happened? Maybe he'd dreamed it. He glanced over to where Rei stood on the water. No matter how long he watched, he had never caught her blinking.

None of it was real. It was all just one big taunt, like his life had been. He didn't want to believe that, desperately didn't want to believe it, but he was tired. If he could just get one sign, just a little thing. If she would move, or even talk.

"Do something." She didn't respond to his harsh guttural whisper. It had been a while since he'd used his own voice. "Do something," he repeated, crawling over. She didn't even blink. He crawled on top of her, wrapping his hands around her throat. _Be real,_ he begged. _Please, just do someth-_

He flinched when she gave a strangled gasp, her eyes widening. He saw anger pass through her expression, but it seemed to slowly seep away. Her eyes softened, and he felt a light touch as her hand caressed his cheek. The sudden relief was too sudden, no matter how hard he tried to hold himself together, his face crumpled and tears leaked down onto her plug-suit. If there was anything she hated, it was such signs of weakness, he knew this, but he couldn't keep from shaking with relief now that he wasn't alone.

"...sick."

He blinked. He wanted to ask what she meant, to hope she wasn't talking about his behavior, but he knew better.

"Shinji, I feel sick...!"

She rolled over on the sand and tried to throw up as he sat there stunned. Not one day earlier it had been just him, a comatose Asuka whom he took care of, and a disembodied former fellow pilot. Now one of them was about to die on his hands, leaving him all alone except for... Turning his head, he wasn't all that surprised to find Rei's image gone. Well, if one thing was going to go wrong, why not everything? Feeling giddy, he wobbled to his feet, stumbling over to the water.

"Shinji," Asuka called weakly. "What're you-" more retching. He walked carefully out into the water towards where Rei had stood. Soon he was right before the spot where she had disappeared.

_I'm not moving from this spot,_ he thought tiredly. _I'm tired of all this. I'm not moving until I see her again. Even if I die, I won't move-_ A horrible sense of vertigo nearly forced him to his knees, and suddenly it all changed again. One moment he was soaked from the chest down with orange sea-water, the next he was standing in the middle of Tokyo Three, completely dry, and staring at Rei.

No, it was an image of her, the phantom he'd seen when he'd first arrived- The city was intact. He noted this idly, still frozen on the spot. She was right there, not two feet away, with a ghost of a smile on her face. He reached out, hesitantly, and his hand passed through empty air. She was gone.

Vast temperature and pressure changes caused by exploding munitions caused the wind to whip his clothes madly, but he was certain he heard a very familiar high-pitched engine whine, and he was even more certain when a bouncy female voice called through the buffeting winds.

"Hey! You're Shinji, right?"

He turned around slowly. She wasn't there. That wasn't her blue car, and she wasn't frantically waving and calling for him to get in. Still waving, still calling.

* * *

Soothing white light, soft sheets, and comforting silence only disturbed by the quiet noises of life-support machines. Rei blinked once, wincing at the pain of strangely familiar wounds. It felt like she had just died, but she didn't know if she was the second or the third, and that frightened her. She knew well how worthless her life was, how little meaning it had, but she always expected to at least remember how many times she had died.

Five forty-four PM. The clock mounted on the side of her ICU bed brought her some comfort.

_Perhaps I am the fourth?_ No, that made even less sense. And why did these wounds feel so familiar? She closed her good eye, trying to think back. She remembered... water. And a boy, surfacing, swimming towards shore.

Shinji. She remembered Shinji. Looking at the ceiling in relief, she reveled in the sudden knowledge as it opened itself up to her. The clock ticked over to five forty-six. She did not even notice when a carefully expressionless nurse came in to check her connections to the life-support systems. She did, however, notice when things seemed to come to a halt around her, and suddenly the nurse was gone, vanished between one moment and the next as if she had never even existed.

And the clock said five forty-five. She narrowed her eyes at the stubbornly-impossible numbers glowing a dull green. She was unaware of how connected she was with her fellow-pilot's current distress.

* * *

"Could you _please_ try to dodge a little better this time?" He mumbled, knowing it was exactly the wrong thing to say. The after-effects of what he had just gone through were too strong for him to be able to fully suppress his irritation, or even think a little before speaking.

"Aww, you know you're cute when you're angry!" Misato tussled his hair, and despite all that had happened, or because of, he could do no more than sit there staring dumbly at the impossible woman. "Just leave all the driving to me and I'll get you through safely...!" She expertly spun the car around a giant rent in the pavement where the Angel, which couldn't be out there, had just stepped a moment ago.

"What I meant was," too close. Shinji noted that his former/future guardian was coming to a stop much closer this time. "...hey! Don't stop, they're going to-"

"Just a minute!" she said, blithely ignoring him as she spun the car to a halt and looked through the driver's side window, binoculars focused on the battle in the distance.

"Misato, can we, like," Shinji made hurrying motions with his hands, to no avail.

"You know," Misato commented, her cheery voice belying how intently she was looking through her binoculars. "-from your file, I thought you'd be a little more... OH DEAR GOD-!"

Misato's exclamation, and everything else in the vicinity, was wiped away by the wave of light that suddenly washed over them.

Shinji closed his eyes, bracing himself for what he knew was coming. It did no good.

* * *

There. It had just happened again. Rei stared intently at the clock, which was even now continuing to mock her. This time, the nurse had not even gotten halfway across the room before vanishing. As absurd as it sounded, she had no choice but to assume she was jumping through time. Either that, or she was blacking out, and a nurse was coming in and changing the clock back. Repeatedly.

Occam's Razor disposed of that hypothesis quite handily, she decided. But how was this happening? Instrumentality, for all its quirks and mystery, was at its heart quite simple. It should have had no way to do something like this.

Unless this was just a dream as well. But in all dreams so far, she had been given control others had not since she was, after all, the cocreator of all this. She and Shinji. That thought halted all others. If she was here, where was Shinji at this point?

That she did not know for sure, but she did know that in approximately twenty three minutes she would be called to pilot Unit One. Presumably because Shinji refused. At least she assumed that was what had happened originally.

* * *

Shinji knelt on the blessed pavement, one hand on the soothing cool metal of the phone booth as he blinked away tears and rubbed a sleeve across his eyes. Every time that happened, every time he died, he went through that hell again, and each time there was some different twist to it, something that made it so unbearable he just wanted to curl up into a little ball until it stopped. He'd already tried that, though. It didn't help.

_Just don't say anything this time,_ he reminded himself frantically._ Act like you did before, and maybe she'll-_

He just barely heard the screeching of tires over the sounds of the Angel raging in the distance, and he unconsciously braced himself for whatever Misato-ism was forthcoming.

"What're you doing, making love to that thing?" her cheery voice sailed out the door she had just shoved open. "You're Shinji, right? C'mon, get in!"

* * *

Time appeared to have stopped skipping, and so Rei counted down the minutes to when they would call her to pilot, and she would see Shinji. Not the Shinji she knew, of course. The nurses, and everyone else she had encountered so far, all behaved normally. They did not act like they knew time was jumping around. It appeared she was alone in this knowledge. It did not matter, she was used to being alone by now.

Of course, she had always had good reasons for being alone, for separating herself from others. To get close to other was to risk rejection, a pain she had already felt once and was determined to never feel again. That had always been her reasoning, and even with this strange phenomenon, she saw little reason to change. She had already hurt Shinji once, she had no intention of doing so again.

He had to be kept at arms reach for the most part, but perhaps she could rebuild the rapport the had previously shared. At the very least she could enjoy what little time they would have together.

* * *

He breathed a sigh of relief as Misato managed to successfully escape death. Finally. Death by the Angel's foot, or perhaps crashing debris, maybe getting caught in the Angel's beam weapon, or one of the VTOLs that were dropping like flies. He had no idea how close his original escape had been, but he was now intimately familiar with all the ways he could have died.

As his mind struggled to grasp the situation in which he found himself, events passed by like sign-posts on a long, familiar journey. A bright flash behind them that nearly overturned the car. Misato's cheerfully inane chattering. Darkness as they passed through the armor down towards NERV headquarters. Brightness again as the glory of the Geofront opened up below them, well-manicured greenery and lush forests surrounding the massive man-made pyramid that dominated the landscape.

_This is real,_ he reluctantly decided, _which means that's really Misato._ His former/future guardian did not act as if she had just seen him stomped into the pavement by the Angel languishing behind them. She did not act like she remembered that last terror-filled day inside the broken and dying Geofront, as they struggled pitifully against the very armed forces that were meant to protect them.

His last memory of the woman had been of her crumpled form lying in a pool of her own blood, holding off their pursuers so he could attempt to rescue what was left of Asuka. The soft green hues of the landscape blurred around his unseeing eyes as he followed her numbly across the grounds towards the massive man-made pyramid that housed NERV HQ.

_She doesn't remember. Does anyone?_ He squashed a momentary impulse to wrap her up in a hug and never let go. She was real, alive, and most importantly her blood was no longer on his hands.

"Not that way," he said, watching as she prepared to get them hopelessly lost in the quagmire of escalators and access corridors.

"What?" she gave him a surprised glance, stopped dead by his sudden words. It was the first time she had heard him speak coherently and calmly since she had picked him up.

"This..." his voice caught momentarily, "this way, Misato." The corner of his mouth twitched slightly in what might have been the beginnings of a smile as he looked over his shoulder. She was alive, and if this was all he could do to show her his appreciation, then so be it.

She shrugged, smiling ruefully. "...eh, your guess is as good as mine!"

She turned, waiting for him to lead the way. Shinji did just that, fairly floating along in a daze of confused relief. For so long he had followed others. Was still following them. At least in this one instance, he would lead. This one time, he knew the path better than she did, and he would save her from the uncomfortable meeting with Ritsuko, who probably was just beginning to search for them. It was not until they stepped into the darkened Eva-cage that his mind snapped into focus just as a light snapped on overhead, revealing the cold calculating visage of the man about whom he knew so much, and at the same time so little.

"It's been a long time."

As he considered his father's words, the door slammed open and bleached-blonde fury strode into the Eva-bay.

"I've been looking for you," Ritsuko seethed, fixing the raven-haired Captain with a withering glare.

"...ehheh...!" Misato grinned sheepishly, raising a hand in surrender. Ritsuko's eyes flitted upwards to the Commander, and suddenly she was all smiles.

"So this is the new pilot?"

"Yep!" Misato proclaimed cheerily. "According to the Marduk Report he's the Third Child."

"It's time," Gendo's voice from overhead interrupted their banter. "We're moving out."

"What?" Misato was suddenly aghast. "But he's not ready! And Rei can't do it, can she? Who-"

The familiar argument continued to buzz around him, bringing a touch of comfort to the cold choice before him. Behind him was a horrific journey into his mind in that strange place, and in front of him was a battle against an enemy he thought was gone forever. Refusing to fight would just mean they'd send Rei out, and when everyone died, he'd go through another mind-rape anyway, so what was the point?

"I'll pilot," he husked out into a suddenly-silent Eva bay.

"...-b-but," Misato frantically cast her gaze between Gendo and Shinji.

"There's no other way." Ritsuko's voice was flat, and Misato lapsed into silence.

Gendo acknowledged his son's words with a subtle nod, his expression unreadable.

* * *

The entire base shook as the Angel began its attack. The clock ticked past the set time, and the intercom screen sitting on a rolling table beside her bed remained stubbornly silent. Rei watched intently, waiting. Two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes.

It was impossible. She should have been called to pilot by now, unless things had changed, and she was the only one who could have changed them, since she was the only one who remembered. She was in bed, there was no way she could have affected things even minutely. Certainly not enough to somehow convince Shinji to pilot. She felt more than heard a low dull thump that had to be an Eva launch.

Shinji was launching. Why? He had no reason to behave differently.

Unless he too was experiencing the time shifts. The idea so startled her that she nearly stopped breathing for several long moments. It meant he remembered. This changed everything.

* * *

A dim glow illuminated the curving walls that surrounded him. Ritsuko's voice, carefully modulated into a soothing tone, warned him unnecessarily about the lukewarm yellow fluid that began to pool near his feet, slowly creeping up his legs as it filled the chamber.

_Why did I agree to this?_

The answer came several moments later in the form of a familiar light touch near the back of his mind. Her. Or at least what was left of her. _I'm sorry_, she seemed to say. _I'm sorry I'm all that's left. _It still hurt to feel the gentle touch of the remnants of his mother as the synchronization process continued, but somehow it seemed muted. The pain of loss was alleviated, now that he accepted the truth, or what parts of the truth he had come to realize.

He felt her arms surround him from behind in a ghostly embrace as his AT-field unfolded, and the full force of sorrow hit him, leaving him breathless. She was right there with him, and yet she was not, and it hurt so much. And still the tears would not come.

He caught himself responding automatically to the reports around him, as he had learned to do to help them along more efficiently. He had to remember that this was supposed to be his first time, or... what? Who would honestly believe he had traveled through time? Well, in any case, one quickly learned not to make NERV superiors suspicious. Of anything.

The city spread out before him as the entry point opened. Shinji took a step, and the Eva took a step. Ritsuko's jubilation and Misato's encouragement mixed with the anxiousness he felt from his mother. Her arms were around his shoulders, as if she were helping him stay on his feet, and it only served to remind him of what he had lost. He closed his eyes, clenching his teeth as he waited for his emotions to settle down. _Breathe._

"Breathe, Shinji!" Misato's words echoed his thoughts, worry evident in her tone. "Just take a deep breath, you're doing great...!" His eyes snapped open at remembered pain, but the Angel was not there. It was not about to grab him by the head, break his arm, and toss him back against the entry point like a sack of old pota-Shinji! "...Shinji! We're bringing up your map overlay, but you've got to calm down..." Misato's voice continued. In the background Ritsuko mentioned his elevated heart-rate amidst the jumble of status reports.

He was clothed in many tons of sophisticated composite armor, protected by an invisible field powered by his will alone, and yet in his mind he could not be more vulnerable. _A giant pain-magnet. That's all I am when I'm in this thing,_ he thought with a shiver as he glanced at the city-map-overlay to locate the Angel.

"Weapons," he murmured automatically, reverting back to his old training. He wondered briefly why Lieutenant Shigeru's tense quiet voice had not already given him a location of where they would be sending his rifle.

"I'm sorry," Ritsuko's strained voice startled him. "...all you have is your on-board prog-knife. The other weapons have yet to be loaded into their silos."

_Of course,_ he thought with a grimace. _Good thing I didn't just go for the knife. How would I have explained that?_ He patiently waited for her to finish her instructions before he acted. The blip representing the Angel blinked sullenly, unmoving except for a slight twitch every now and then. _Something's wrong._ It took him several moments to realize that he had come out of a different entry point than he had in the original time-line _But why? ...oh._ Turning a corner he almost stumbled over the Angel's black form crouched over the twisted wreckage of a squat armored building. _It knew where I was supposed to come out._

"Looking for someone?" he murmured angrily, the air shimmering as his Eva's hand penetrated the thing's AT-field. The Angel jumped, turning its beak-like head in what might have been consternation as Shinji grasped its shoulder, spun it around into a building, and plunged his prog-knife into its glowing red heart.

The Angel's eyes seemed to glint momentarily, and in the time Shinji took to realize that the creature really did not have eyes, it had backhanded him into the hard surface of an armored building. White hot pain erupted in his left shoulder as flaring white light surrounded him. _It fired its energy weapon,_ he realized as he staggered out of the way of the charging Angel. His mother's cold fury rose in his mind, and it took all his will power to keep the Eva from immediately flying into a rampage. He knew it was useless to try to stop and completely control the creature when it was in this state, and he also knew how dangerous it was to surrender and let his mother have her way.

"_The extent of damage after Unit-01 went berserk... it... almost looked like an Angel attack."_ He had no idea how he knew Misato had said that, if she had even said it. Clinching his eyes shut and holding his throbbing left shoulder, he gathered what was left of his fading determination. His mind was a skipping stone, bouncing across the surface of his consciousness, giving him brief snatches of lucidity and control. He was dimly aware of motion, a blindingly fast charge forward. Of slamming his uninjured shoulder against the Angel just as it pulled its energy lance free of the building onto which it had tried to skewer his Eva. The Angel rose up through the air in a short arc and slammed back into the ground on its back. Bloodlust burned through his/her mind, and he could feel his mother's desperate wish to pin the Angel to the ground and tear it limb from limb.

_Don't hurt them,_ he begged.

Images of Touji's angry face, and of all the other nameless victims of his berserker attacks rose in his mind. The Eva stalked forward, barely under control, and he placed a foot on the Angel's chest, directly onto its fractured core as it tried to push itself up to meet him. He could feel its AT-field try to coalesce to stop him, but his own was already there, keeping it from forming.

_Don't hurt them!_ He used the complex feeling of his AT-field meshing with the Angel's as an anchor for his mind, a repetitive task that required thought and conscious control. Cracks spider-webbed out around the core, radiating from the entry wound of his shattered prog-knife, and the Angel made one last desperate attempt to climb up his leg as it died. He crouched and put a hand on its head, slamming it back into the armored street, contracting his protective field as he felt the creature turn to putty under his gauntleted hands.. Light boiled and frothed beneath him, expanding and jostling him upwards as the Angel's death knell rebounded off his field and washed out over the streets.

_Don't hurt them! Please, don't hurt them...!_

When his Eva staggered out of the roiling smoke and debris back to the retrieval elevator, and they recovered him from the entry plug, he was still murmuring the words.

* * *

Unlike before, this time he was mostly conscious throughout the collage of tests and procedures to make sure he was physically and psychologically fit after the battle. Ritsuko's face eventually swam into view, and she informed him of the Commander's wish to speak with him. He acquiesced with a sigh, trudging off away from the hospital in which he had so often recuperated in another lifetime.

His father's office seemed to grow more cavernous every time he visited it. The shadows crouching along the walls and around the desk spoke to him, their edges sharp and accusatory, reminding him of all his past failures. Touji, whom he had crushed in his Eva's hand, crippling the boy for life. Rei, who had sacrificed herself to save him. Misato, who had been shot in front of his eyes because he had been too shell-shocked to even walk to his Eva on his own. All these mistakes were behind him. Or in front of him, depending on how he looked at it. Gendo's voice broke his reverie.

"I have," the man's face twisted into an unreadable grimace, "an assignment for you."

Shinji tried to keep his jaw from dropping at his father's strange expression and utterly unexpected speech.

NERV's massive pyramid retreated in the distance as Shinji made his way towards his destination. Various feelings and thoughts shot through his mind like sparks against a dark background. This went beyond different. Not only that, he saw no way his own actions could have caused this. For his father to ask something like this, there was only one person he knew who could convince the man to do this.

One person, and if she had done so, it meant she remembered.

Probably.

It was that probably that brought the pain. He knew he should have been happy, and a part of him was. He was no longer alone, there was at least that. Still, the real question was not if she remembered, but how much.

His trudging steps took him ever closer to Rei's apartment, and from this day forward, his new home.

* * *

Rei opened her eyes at the light touch of a palm on her forehead, and nearly jumped when she saw a wide-eyed Shinji looking down at where she languished on her bed. Whether he remembered or not, it had been doubtful in her eyes whether he would accept her as a room-mate. The self-control of his normally reserved expression was partially broken by recent events, but even so she could not divine any meaning from it. He was here for now, but she knew if she did nothing, did not at least attempt to reach out to him, he would leave. Before she could decide what next to do, he spoke.

"You remember."

The two quiet words formed a statement, with a slight emphasis that might have made it a question. It was also the only logical question that one who was a part of this strangeness would have, after a desperate lonely search for someone who might understand.

She nodded assent, unable to keep her head from jerking slightly. Although she had correctly surmised the situation hours ago, it was another thing entirely to have the truth laid out right there in front of her. She watched as the tension seemed to slowly drain out of him, and he slumped to the floor, leaning back against her bed, his breath shuddering slightly.

His feelings, which were usually cloaked in mystery, were for a moment open to her. Relaxation was finally possible, now that at least a part of the puzzle had been discovered, now that the horrible feeling of alone-ness was banished. Another was there, another who was in exactly the same situation.

Without even wondering why she did it, she shifted her arm to the side of the bed, and laid it on his head. It wasn't anything she decided consciously, his need had called out to something inside her. He shook, and made small noises, bringing answering emotion to her throat. She closed her eyes, feeling the same relief that he undoubtedly felt, and slept.

* * *

Some time later the burbling of water and the smell of spice drew her to wakefulness. Her hand still tingled from the remembered touch. Casting her eyes to the kitchen area, she saw a saucepan on the stove spit defiantly a couple of times before a hand reached over to turn down the flame to a more suitable level. Half an onion sat on the counter, its edges frayed, several discarded skin peelings drifting lazily along the counter towards the edge and towards freedom. A conscientious gesture from the erstwhile cook gathered them together and deposited them into the waste basket beside him. He looked over his shoulder as if he could feel her eyes on him, and perhaps he could.

"It'll be ready in a few minutes," he said hesitantly. "If you're hungry."

She closed her eyes again, shifting slightly and wincing at a sharp pulling sensation near her ribs. It would take that long for her to simply sit up. After a few seconds she heard him turn back to the stove, and realized he had expected some kind of response.

"Thank you." She heard his intake of breath, and wondered at its meaning. The phrase was still foreign to her, but she had the feeling she would be saying it often enough, at least until she recovered. By the time she had gotten herself into a seated position against the back of the bed, he had softly padded over with a bowl. He drifted to a stop, the steam from the bowl's contents giving form to the otherwise invisible air currents in the room. He hesitated, his mouth opening and closing several times, his eyes tracing complex diagrams on her bed sheets and her right arm, which was in a cast. It was fairly obvious he was wondering how she was going to eat and hold the bowl with only one good hand. She reached out and plucked the bowl from his hands, balancing it between her immobilized right arm and her stomach. This seemed to satisfy him, and he turned away only to be stopped by a small noise from her throat.

"Oh, sorry..." he turned back around, handing her the forgotten chopsticks and wooden spoon which he still held in his other hand. His cheeks colored, and he hastily retreated to prepare his own bowl. He returned moments later and carefully sat near the end of the bed. Silence descended as they ate, and Rei watched as the boy sitting across from her deteriorated throughout the peaceful meal. To her it went against all logic, but she could not know what went through his mind every time his eyes met hers. He did not see the wounded teenager that needed his help, he saw the enigmatic girl who had lain naked and expressionless beneath him in this very apartment a lifetime ago. He saw the one who had slapped him in a moment's fury, the one who had given him a gentle smile after he had opened her overheated capsule, the one who had sacrificed her Eva, and her body, and all her memories for him. All their memories, few that they had. He saw the gigantic God-like being reaching her arms out to cradle his Eva, offering him a gift he neither understood nor wanted.

"Ikari."

She watched as his chopsticks began to tremble, and knew if she did nothing he would bolt from the room, perhaps never to return.

"Ikari...!"

"-yeah?" the fear receded from his eyes, and he glanced at her bandages and her eye patch as if reminding himself who she was, or at least who she was now. Several confusing seconds went by in silence.

"I need you," she finally said, and it didn't sound at all like when she had considered the phrase in her own head. She had simply wanted to put in words something that might prevent him from leaving, but the statement sounded vague, now that it was in the open.

"Why?" he half-asked, emotion crossing his face. The question startled her, until she decided he had read the deceptiveness in her tone. She hadn't meant any harm, she was just frightened he would leave her alone.

"You remember," she finally answered.


	2. The Worth of a Life

Chapter 2 – The worth of a life

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Glaring white light splayed over her closed eyelids causing her to wince in confusion. _Something is wrong._ Her apartment's light fixtures were unable to produce such illumination. Heat washed over her, and a familiar niggling undercurrent of anger tugged at her mind, telling her the impossible. She was synced with her Eva. Opening her eyes to slits, a blinding white rectangle of light assaulted her vision. Pulling back slightly, she made out the edges of the shuttle shield in her hands. Her Eva's hands. Skittering light and electrical discharges from the mag-coating flashed around the edges, the sheer power of Ramiel's particle beam pushing her backwards.

"C'mon…" Shinji's tense voice echoed its way through the open comm channel. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a spent fuse fly into the night behind her as he cycled the bolt of his rifle. Red symbols flashed in her peripheral vision, warning her of the imminent shutdown of her Eva's primary coolant system. The seconds counted down, past the time-limit she knew. _Ikari should have fired by now._

"Damnit! Where's my power?" Shinji's voice was strained.

"It's not the power," Ritsuko's professional voice played over her ears. "A secondary coolant line has fractured. The barrel…"

"…aah!" Her entire plug went red with warnings, and she felt a line of intense agony crawl down her spine as she slowly lost connection with the Eva. The LCL surrounding her quickly shot up to scalding temperatures as the shield began to fail in places.

"Ayanami!" Shinji's frantic voice sounded distant, as if the LCL was losing its conductive properties, and she heard him shout something at Ritsuko. The woman's voice was insistent, then there was a massive explosion behind her.

"Shinji!" Misato's desperate voice sounded in the distance.

_Misfire._ It was the only thing that made sense, and was her final thought as she felt a second much closer jolt directly behind and above her. G-forces pressed her into the seat, graying her vision. She blacked out several seconds later when her ejecting plug hit something solid.

Rei awoke face down on the ground, her limbs sluggish, her mind full of confusion. Tilting her head slightly, she caught sight of her half-melted entry plug, the hatchway door missing. _I must have been thrown clear when the LCL was evacuated._ A beautiful but deadly thread of energy floated overhead, splitting the night with its passing. She closed her eyes momentarily against a rising plume of purple energy that must have been the mobile command center.

Looking forward, she saw Unit-01, or what was left of it, lying in a tangle of sheared-off trees. The upper body was relatively intact, the plug halfway ejected. _You will not die, I will protect you._ Her previous words echoed hollowly in her ears. She had failed him. Ignoring the pain in her midsection, she pulled herself hand over hand along the ground towards the distant objective.

Twenty agonizing minutes later, the remnants of Unit-01 towered above her, and her breath caught in her throat at a crumpled figure lying on the ground directly beneath the open entry plug overhead. Heedless of her own injuries she crawled over, reaching out a hand to his neck. A steady slow pulse beat against her fingers. _He still lives._ Exhausted beyond measure, she let her arm fall over his stomach and collapsed beside him into slumber.

* * *

Shinji's eyes were wide, his pupils contracted with fear as he assessed the mounting disaster surrounding him. Unit-00 was a lump of melted armor in the distance, what was left of his own Unit hung above him crucified amidst the trees, the mobile command center burned somewhere behind him, and Rei was collapsed on top of him. _They're all dead. I killed them when I pulled the trigger_.

The trees looming over him in the night were charred and twisted by the heat radiating from his wrecked Eva, their bent limbs grotesquely reaching out over him, passing judgment. Pain ripped through him as he covered Rei's arm with his own. Her arm rested limply on his stomach, her hand cold. _Don't die. Please don't die... _He gripped it tightly as what was happening around him started to sink in. _This can't be happening. This can't be-_

Between one blink and the next, he snapped instantly awake, his heart hammering in his ears. The flickering light behind him was a worn-out street lamp, not the burning Command Center. The dark shadows surrounding him were unfamiliar, but they were neither trees, nor his ruined Eva. Most importantly, the arm over his stomach was warm, and the hand gripping the front of his t-shirt definitely still had life in it. The momentary adrenaline drained out of him in one big rush leaving him woozy. His relief was such that he did not put two and two together, and he fell back into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The first sliver of morning sun peeked through the dusty window throwing strange patterns of light on the far wall as it refracted through the plastic measuring cup sitting on Rei's bedside table. Shinji blinked muzzily as he drifted awake, and for a moment he had no idea where he was. Despite being in a strange environment, he felt a deep sense of well-being. He had not slept so well in a very long time, especially considering the past couple of...

The events of his most recent nightmare flashed across his vision. The burning Command Center. His Eva torn apart. Rei collapsed beside him in a crumpled heap. He gripped the warm slender hand tightly against his chest. _She's alive, _he reminded himself. _She's alive._ Wait. Rei's arm was around him, and her breath tickled the back of his neck. He glanced back helplessly, wondering what to do.

Rei had crawled out of her bed and collapsed against his back, her good arm over his stomach. The sheets were still tangled around her midsection and trailed back to the bed. _But why?_ a corner of his mind wondered. It had to have caused her tremendous pain.

_I need you._ Why did he have to remember that kind of thing at a time like this? _She remembers._ But how much? Visions of a massive circular tank full of naked things with Rei's countenance danced in his head. _But the one holding onto you is real._ He had known that immediately, had seen the spark, recognized it from their previous short friendship.

His mind continued to flit this way and that as he tried to ignore the seductive feel of an attractive girl pressing up against his back, her arm around him.

Time and its perceptions were not something he had a firm grasp on considering the circumstances. He only knew that at some point she began to stir, and he jumped. As her arm loosened he slid from her grasp and backed up against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest as his adrenaline-(and hormone) charged mind assessed the situation.

_Maybe she won't notice._ No way in hell. _She climbed against me, so maybe it's not a problem anyway._ I wouldn't count on it. _Umm, it's not like we've never seen each other naked before, right?_ Strike three.

As she blinked sleepily, he recounted his sins.

_Fell on her while she was naked, check. Forced her to sacrifice herself because I'm a douche of a pilot, check. Had a steamy fantasy session with her in another reality after jacking off to her arch-rival, check._ Okay, maybe that last one was a bit too harsh._ ...aaand, she's awake and staring at me._

It was absurdly easy for his traitorous mind to overlay the naked Rei he had seen in that orange place over the real one before him. He immediately blushed a very deep red, still frozen to the spot lest he look like even more of an idiot by either talking or moving.

"Stop blushing," she instructed, as a shade of pink crept across her face. He blinked.

"Y-You stop blushing," he replied. After a short staring contest which Shinji only won by being too embarrassed and stunned to move, she averted her eyes.

"I cannot," she admitted. "Besides, I asked first." Her expression was as near to a pout as Rei was ever likely to get. After a few more seconds she must have reached her limit. "In precisely twelve and a half days," she said quite carefully, still a deep shade of pink, "I will be able to move again." Shinji caught the implied threat in no time at all.

"Breakfast," he said, quickly getting to his feet and making for the kitchen area. "I'll make breakfast." Eyeing his messed-up futon, he slowed, and turned to straighten it up for a moment. After fastidiously rolling it up, he started to roll it over towards its place in the closet. While he did so, he surreptitiously glanced back towards Rei. Still pink.

"Ikari!"

"Going...!"

He left the futon in the middle of the room and this time he didn't stop.

It wasn't until after he had begun to make breakfast that he came to the startlingly obvious realization. The details of his dream the previous night had almost completely faded, but he still remembered her crumpled form collapsed against him after their Evas had been destroyed, mainly because that was how he'd found her when he had awakened.

_She must have sleep-crawled,_ he decided. Which meant she had mimicked actions in a dream, one similar to his. Or maybe exactly the same as his.

After finishing the morning's culinary masterpiece (which looked suspiciously like the previous night's miso), he made his way to her bedside. Although he felt bad about the lack of variety, she had ingredients for nothing else. The soup itself was the most basic of recipes, almost too plain to even be considered miso.

"I'll go to the store on my way out," he said by way of apology as he handed Rei her steaming bowl. She set the bowl down, reached over to her bedside table, picked up a mag-striped rectangle of plastic and held it out to him mutely. He took it from her fingers, turning it over and over in his hands, momentarily locked in the repetitive action as he continued to think about the dream.

"There is no password," she said helpfully.

_Of course there wouldn't be,_ he realized, gathering his own bowl and sitting down on the end of the bed. Anyone foolish enough to steal it would soon find themselves in a cold dark lonely cell courtesy of her ever-present Section Two escort. They ate in silence for a few minutes.

"I dreamed," Rei said, broaching the subject they both had been avoiding. Shinji's disquiet grew as she explained her dream, and with each word of description she confirmed his initial guess. He set his empty bowl aside.

"I dreamed the same thing," he admitted. "But from my own perspective." He looked up, the unease in his eyes contrasted by the surprise in hers. "What does it mean that we're sharing dreams?" his voice dropped to a whisper. She did not answer.

The moment of silence stretched out until a business-like knock interrupted it. Shinji walked over apprehensively, opening the door to find Ritsuko. The woman was dressed in her usual shirt/pants/lab-coat combination, a clipboard in her hand, her expression stern.

"…uh, come in," Shinji stuttered after a moment of silence that accidentally came near to being impolite in its length. She swept past him, her hard eyes taking in the mess, the unmade futon, and Rei sitting on her bed finishing breakfast. Her expression softened at this. "Sorry," Shinji continued, trailing at her elbow. "I haven't had time to clean up. I was just about to go to the store, and…" his words stumbled over each other in their haste.

"Go, then." She handed him a nondescript cell-phone.

He took it gingerly. "What…" He paused, trying to work through what he wanted to say, then realized he had no idea what he wanted to say. "...um." This was all new to him, and he was still deadlocked by the stunning revelation of a moment ago, which he could not tell Ritsuko. Would Rei tell her? Why was the doctor even here?

"I've been assigned as your guardian," she interrupted, inadvertently answering his question. Her lips quirked, then her face softened further. "Look, don't expect me to babysit you, but if you need anything… please don't hesitate to call."

"Okay." He didn't know what else to say, having never seen anything close to a parental side from the normally cold doctor. "Thanks," he added, finally turning to head for the door. The longer he stayed, the more chances he had to say the wrong thing.

"Oh, and Shinji." He paused, looking back momentarily. "I've enrolled you in school. If you're back before I finish here, I'll drive you. It's on the way back to NERV." He nodded, but she had already turned back to Rei. Truthfully, he would rather have walked. He needed the time alone with his thoughts, and he did not want to endure the possibly-embarrassing questions she might have for him.

* * *

His trip to the store was a collage of ordinary moments and memories. _"Shin-chaaan! We're out of Yebisu, be a dear and pick some up while you're out! Just tell them I sent you and show them your NERV ID and it should be alright!"_ The wink in her voice was always obvious. His worry-lined face softened at the memory. She had so often sent him out that the store owner had eventually stopped bothering him about being under-age whenever he had bought her beer. His hands automatically collected materials suitable for the two finicky eaters he remembered, and his feet had carried him halfway to Misato's apartment before he stopped dead in the road, realizing where he was heading. Sorrow hit him like a massive wave, cresting over and nearly drowning him. She was right there, not ten minutes up the road. Still in bed, most likely. A hot ball of sadness constricted his throat, and a tear slipped down his face.

_Stupid!_ He clenched his teeth in frustration. That he could so easily cry over such useless things only made it worse that the tears never came when he needed them. _She's not dead,_ he told the corner of his mind that was currently fetal on the ground. He imagined going into her apartment. The one he had lived in for half a year. The one that contained all his memories of his short stint with NERV. Misato, his guardian. _Former guardian,_ his demon reminded him. _Not even that._ Everything they had been through was gone. _She's not dead,_ he repeated numbly. _But she might as well be, to me. Because of me._

He turned to retrace his steps back to Rei's apartment. _Oh well, I guess it's better this way. Ritsuko'll be gone by now for sure._ He crested the final hill half an hour later to find that Ritsuko had not gone. If anything, she had taken her time and cleaned up a little, judging by the reduced trash-level and the recently-washed dishes.

"Ah!" faux-blonde hair shifted in his direction as he shut the door behind him with a click. "Ready to go, Shinji?" The question and its tone was nearly identical to the one she used during his many training sessions in Unit-01 a life-time ago.

"Sure," he dipped his head slightly. "Let me just make lunch first." He waited a beat, walking over to the refrigerator. "Thanks for waiting. You really didn't have to do that..." He pulled open the door and began putting away the food he had bought.

"It's no trouble," she answered from the other room. "I'll just pack up. Come on out when you're done."

"Okay."

Before he left, he made sure to leave Rei's lunch in a cooler on her bedside table. Her eyes thanked him, and then closed again. He turned to leave.

* * *

Ritsuko's compact hybrid plug-in made very little noise apart from the soft hum of the rubber against the road.

"Thanks again, for taking me to school," Shinji said, breaking the long silence.

"I was against housing the both of you in the same residence," the doctor spoke, after a few moments. "But then again, I was also against Rei living by herself." Her lips quirked into a wry smile. "I guess the Commander has a point. If you're old enough to be trusted with something like Eva, you're old enough to be trusted to live on your own..."

Another long silence buffered the remaining time it took to get to school.

_Work,_ Shinji thought idly. _Work, and us, now that we're part of her work. That's all she's talked about. She hasn't mentioned anything about her personal life yet._

"Alright," she pulled up to the curb and glanced sidelong at him. "You know the way back?" _...to Rei's apartment?_

"Yes ma'am," he answered quickly, assuming that was what she meant. He unfolded himself from the vehicle, paused, and waited in case she had any further instructions. She calmly returned his gaze, looking him up and down as if she were taking readings.

"You've got everything?"

"Yes ma'am." Something about her demeanor seemed to indicate that he should be formal, and despite a slight crinkling at the edges of her eyes, she did not correct him, or tell him any different.

"Remember, if you need anything, call me," she reminded him.

"Thanks," he said, breaking eye contact uneasily and re-shouldering his backpack. "I know you're busy..." he stopped himself, wondering if she would consider such a statement strange. From her perspective he had worked with her for about a day now, so perhaps not. She nodded once.

"Even so, if I'm too busy, I could have someone else come pick you up." He winced inwardly at the trouble he was putting her through. "Maya." A premonition buzzed along his nerves, too late to do any good. "...or Misato." The ball of sadness still in his throat made its presence known, and his eyes watered, but he managed to hold back the useless tears.

"Really, that's okay," he insisted softly, turning to go. "Walking is fine."

"Remember, you've got training tonight at NERV!" she called after him. "You know the way?"

He nodded, no longer trusting his voice.

* * *

Shinji walked the familiar school-grounds, his questing eyes taking everything in, trying to erase visions of the barren wasteland he remembered following Unit-00's destruction. Despite the grounds being almost completely deserted, he nearly ran over a fellow student who stumbled out of the way as Shinji stopped. The apology on his tongue died away as he saw who it was.

"Hey! Watch where yer goin'- uh, you new here?" The boy's belligerent tone became questioning, and his bespectacled friend smiled.

_It can't be,_ Shinji thought numbly. _He skipped school for a week taking care of his sister... Why is he here?_

"I'm Touji," the boy continued. "Whaddya lookin at? Don't ya have any manners!?"

"Ah, I'm Shinji..." _I'm not ready for this._ He had not been expecting to see a familiar face so soon. Or at least not that particular familiar face. _What do I say? How do I act?_ These questions were not new to him, but this time they had a different meaning._ There's no way this is going to end well._ "_..._ex-excuse me!" He turned and jogged for the classroom.

"Was it somethin I said?" Touji muttered, hands on his hips.

His companion pushed his glasses higher on his nose. "Maybe he just doesn't like your type."

"What's not ta like?"

* * *

Shinji had unconsciously chosen to sit in the place directly behind Rei's temporarily empty desk. His head rested on his arms, expression blank as he faced the wall. _"Welcome. You can sit pretty much anywhere you want." (nervous laughter) "As you can see, we're pretty empty at the moment."_ Hikari's words echoed in his ears, reproaching him. Everything in this classroom reproached him. The blank walls, the empty desks, the subtle undercurrent of worry that filled the air, it was all because of him. Hikari's expression had filled with worry when he had unconsciously flinched at her words, causing him further grief. He had to forcefully remind himself that every child missing at this point was due to choice, not because his failures had killed them. They were not dead. _Yet,_ an inner voice sneered. _Give it a week or so._ Hikari's worried face had eventually left him alone with his demons, which was the way he wanted it. _Don't let anyone else suffer because of me. Please…_ Of course the tears were absent as the demon continued to taunt him. _Don't worry, they won't suffer. I'm sure when you allow death to come for them it will be quick._

Shutting his eyes tightly, he focused his mind on the most recent quandary. _Touji's here. He's not supposed to be here for at least a week._ A tiny flare of hope sprang up. _He's here, and he wouldn't be here if his sister was hurt._ Like a bitterly tired traveler out in the desolate cold with the flame of a single match for comfort, he cupped his hands around the small hope, desperately trying to keep it alive and burning. A soft familiar noise drew his attention. He picked up his head and looked back to see Hikari lending her handkerchief to a girl who wept quietly.

* * *

Walking slowly down the hallway towards the sparsely populated lunch room, Shinji's mind wandered back to earlier in the day. He had always taken Ritsuko to be rather cold and professional, similar to his first impressions of Rei, and he knew he would have to reevaluate how he saw her now. For that matter, he would also have to reconsider how he saw Rei. The girl had shown more emotion since Third Impact than the entire half year he had known her back in the original time-line.

Pausing at the lunch room entrance, he considered the nearly-empty room. Touji and Kensuke sat in their usual location, and his legs almost took him there automatically before he stopped himself with an effort. _Why not?_ he thought. _I can find out for sure whether or not his sister is injured._ His legs, which had been so eager to take him to his friends-from-another-time now refused to move. _What would I say? I know them, but they don't know me._ His embarrassment grew as he stood there wavering, and the only thing that kept him on his feet was the fact that the room was mostly empty. _If things go bad, _he told himself calmly, _I can always kill myself and do it over again._

* * *

Shinji sat on the end of Rei's bed studying his hands. His companion was sitting up against the wall, a pillow cushioning her. A small booklet lay facedown on the sheets beside her.

"I was so relieved." The boy's voice was taut with self-loathing. "When I found out Touji's sister was uninjured, I was actually… happy. And all that time, behind me sat a girl who had lost almost her entire extended family. You know what the worst part is?" He looked up into her crimson gaze. "For a few minutes I was actually okay with it, because it was someone I didn't know."

Rei nodded. "The bonds you have created are unequal, and it bothers you."

"Is that wrong?"

"It depends on how you let them influence your actions."

"Ayanami, who am I to decide who lives and dies?"

"From my own observations, you appear to be doing all you can to save as many lives as possible."

"I could be doing more," he said, looking down.

Rei considered his words. Before now they had not discussed their situation directly, and she had shied away from broaching the subject for fear of driving him away. "How?" she asked pointedly.

"We can go back and do things over," he explained, giving her a surprised look, then his expression turned sheepish. "We've never really talked about this, have we?"

"We have not." She waited expectantly.

He nodded, looking away momentarily. "I guess there's no point wasting any more time blaming myself when I could be doing something about it." He looked back at her, swallowing. "Whenever I die, I go back to the beginning, to right before I fought that first Angel."

"I recall waking up three times now," she said. "I was never called to pilot Unit-01."

"You're not fit to pilot, Ayanami. How could I let you?"

Her cheeks colored a light pink. "Did you die when facing the Angel?"

"Sort of…" He explained his initial confusion, and how he had learned that dying was what reset things.

"I see." Rei paused. "And you wish to go back now?"

"Yeah." Shinji looked away again. "I just… I don't know how. I mean, I don't know if I could do that to myself." He swallowed. "Kill myself," he finally forced himself to say.

Rei picked up her cell phone from her bedside table, pressing a single number and putting it to her ear. "I need you in my apartment." She waited a beat. "Yes." She ended the call and set the phone down.

"Who was that?" Shinji finally asked, when she did not offer any explanation of her own accord. He looked behind him when the door opened and a man came into the apartment. He was quite nondescript, and only his stance and his eyes gave Shinji any clue that he was a professional. _Section Two,_ he realized. The man casually sauntered over to Rei's bedside.

"Yes?" he said in a smooth but hard voice.

"Draw your weapon, chamber a round, and give it to me."

There was the barest hint of hesitation before the man slowly reached behind him extracting a small automatic. Checking the clip, he pulled back the slide, rechecked to make sure the safety was on, then handed her the weapon.

"…ah, Ayanami, um…" For some reason Shinji's mind raced back to his most recent visit for injections. The nurse commented that he was quite easy to handle, saying that most children were so squeamish they argued and flinched all the way up to the point the needle penetrated their skin. _But this isn't just a simple shot!_ a corner of his mind gibbered. _Well, actually, yes it is,_ another piece of him argued clinically. Rei ended his internal debate by calmly releasing the safety and shooting him between the eyes.

* * *

He floated above earth, confusion quickly giving way to the strands of humanity that began to worm their way through his mind without his permission. No one ever seemed to ask his permission these days. Ritsuko didn't ask if he wanted another guardian, one that would most likely get killed again on his watch. No one ever asked him if he wanted to pilot, and if they did it wouldn't matter, since without him they'd all die, and what kind of choice was that? Certainly not one he'd asked for. Even Rei had not asked permission before shooting him. A corner of his mind not yet invaded by the seething masses calmly berated him. _Of all people, you can't blame her. She was only trying to help you through a problem. Besides, this was your idea. You've got another body waiting for you. Just._ The faux blood running through his nonexistent veins turned to ice. _Like. Rei._ Something in him frayed, and almost snapped. He shut his eyes, summoned a hurricane of force from who-knew-where, and evicted all the unwanted guests from his mind.

He awoke on the beach, and this time he was not alone. Blood-shot eyes flicked over taking in the blue hair and pale skin.

_Ayanami..._

A nervous chuckle rasped its way through his dry throat. His fellow pilot gave him a questioning glance.

"Ah, nothing..." _Not nothing,_ his demon insisted._ Go ahead and tell her._ He looked into her unnaturally red eyes and shivered once. "I've become just what I..." he coughed once, attempting to clear his airway of the dryness and hurtful words. "...what I always feared about you," he blurted, looking up into the night sky in embarrassment. He felt her intense gaze boring into him, and the questions behind it. Questions she would not ask, because she was Rei. "I've got another body waiting for me back at the beginning, and this one doesn't have a bullet in its head." The pain in his voice tore at his insides and elicited a gasp from his companion. _Does it really bother me this much? It's not even the same. How could I throw it in her face like this?_

_How could you not?_ His demon sneered.

An embarrassing silence filled the air causing him to wonder why he had not already been sent back to the beginning. _It doesn't usually take this long. Why..._ His discomfort grew, along with the urge to escape, when the world suddenly turned inside out.

* * *

5:43 PM

Rei stared at the glowing blue numbers on the chronometer built into the ICU bed. She was once again back at the beginning. Closing her eyes in concentration, she brought to mind the exact words and facial expressions that had convinced Gendo to allow Shinji to tend to her while she healed.

Going through the motions for the second time, and observing the Commander's reactions with the practiced eye of one who had already been through the exact same circumstances once before, she began to question whether it was her specific words at all, though she knew her arguments were sound enough on the surface. _It is likely he granted my request because I make so few of them, _she decided, as Gendo nodded his dismissal, and the nurse wheeled her chair back to the ICU ward to prepare for her return to her apartment.

* * *

The nurse hovered protectively over her bed, looking askance at the messy state of the apartment.

"If you need any help before he gets here, be sure to call," she said, pulling the sheet snugly up over Rei's resting form.

"Yes." Such an event would be highly unlikely. She had not needed any help the previous time around. She closed her eyes to rest as the nurse shut her bag with a metallic snap and walked to the door. She looked back, a worried expression on her face before shutting the door behind her with a click.

Finally alone, Rei had plenty of time to consider her previous actions before Shinji arrived. If he arrived. Though she drifted in and out of consciousness many times from the pain of her familiar wounds, her thoughts were singular. _His life is as worthless as mine now, and I had to be so thoughtless as to remind him of that fact with my actions._

She sighed quietly, going over in her mind her own experiences with death. Failure meant replacement. She was intimately familiar with this concept, having already died once. _Sacrificed, _she amended. _I've already been sacrificed once._ All Naoko Akagi had needed was a little push on her already unstable psyche, and Gendo had sent her to accomplish that task. And now she had begun treating Shinji the same way. It would be a miracle if he did not hate her for this.

She was relieved beyond measure when she awoke to a bowl of soup which had been set down near her good arm. Shinji's back was to her, the methodical swish-swish of rough fabric against metal letting her know he was washing dishes. He put aside the clean sauce-pan, picked up his own bowl and slowly made his way back towards the bed. His eyes were blank and haunted, and she held her breath. Had she really caused him this much pain with her carelessness? His eyes regained a hint of life when he saw she was conscious.

"Oh, you're awake..." each long second that passed by seemed an eternity as she replayed those three words in her head, trying to extract feeling and meaning from them. Hate? Fear? Was he here just because he felt some sense of duty? "Sorry," the boy said, his mouth twitching into a faint smile. _I should be saying that to you,_ Rei thought. _I just wish I knew how, or what-_ "I'll make it to the store one of these days, but until then, it's going to have to be Miso."

Relief washed over her, eroding her mask temporarily. "I do not mind," she admitted with a wry smile. If only he knew how bland her diet usually was. The simple miso residing in the bowl by her arm was a feast compared to what she usually ate. She closed her eyes to marshal the strength necessary to lift herself, and to bring what calm she could to her frayed nerves. She would gladly eat miso until he was satisfied with his battle against the Angel, and was once again willing to continue down the time-line to a point where he would have the chance to further enrich their diet.

"Was the battle satisfactory?" she asked, when she got her voice back after the agony of sitting up. She reached out a shaking hand to retrieve her bowl and spoon.

"What?"

"Was there minimal loss of life?"

The haunted look returned to his eyes momentarily. "I don't know," he admitted. "There was definitely less collateral damage, and I tried to keep... It... from stumbling into buildings or moving around too much, but... I just don't know." A spoon-full of soup dutifully filled the uncomfortable silence. "I guess I'll find out more at school tomorrow."

Her relief at his lack of anger was such that she failed to ask him about his thoughts on their shared dream. It was not until Shinji had put up the dishes, changed, turned off the light, and lay down on his futon that she remembered. _Time is of little consequence now,_ she decided as she drifted off to sleep. _We can discuss it later._

* * *

Harsh light forced her to blink rapidly as the particle rifle's discharge sounded through her entry plug. Cheers over the comm channel died away when the Angel's beam continued to lash at her shield.

"What happened?!" Misato's voice, frantic with worry.

"Problem with the targeting linkup interface," Ritsuko stated in a calm clipped tone. "He missed," she clarified, apparently responding to a confused look from Misato.

Rei watched her options dwindle, and knew there really was only one. "Ikari," she grunted between clinched teeth. "Escape while you can."

"What? No! I-"

"-aah!" she almost doubled over from the pain, but she knew if the shield dropped, so would Shinji. Something solid slammed into her, knocking her from the path of Ramiel's fury. Unit-01. Scrambling her Eva to its feet, she hefted the shield one-handed just as the Angel's particle beam swept over to reacquire her. She bent and managed to halfway pick up Unit-01, at least enough to begin dragging it away out of the line of sight of the Angel. _We will not make it,_ she realized, watching the temperature indicators at the edge of her vision climb alarmingly. Her coolant systems failed just as she stumbled over something, sending her plummeting down onto Shinji's Eva. The Angel's weapon terminated at that moment, which she found odd, until she noticed that her movements had grown sluggish. The Angel had already won. With her last power reserves, she moved her Eva directly in front of his.

"Eject, Ikari!" she spoke as clearly as she could over the technicians shouting on the comm channel. She could only hope that her Eva would stop the Angel's beam long enough for him to do so. She had just reached over to activate her own ejection systems when blinding pain cut through her midsection.

* * *

Shinji's eyes snapped open, Rei's phantom scream still assaulting his mind. Something heavy was pinning him down, and when the haze cleared from his eyes, he saw that it was Rei. She had collapsed across his stomach.

"Aya- nami!" he wheezed, shifting his trapped arms.

"Please," she murmured, her voice breaking up. "I do not wish to dream anymore..." as he felt her breathing slow, several things stood out in stark detail. One, the bandages across her chest did not in any way hide the fact that she was most decidedly female, and two, he would likely not be sleeping any more that night. She whimpered once, probably from pain, and while his heart softened, other parts of him went the entirely opposite direction. Trying to ignore the girl's rhythmic breathing, her heartbeat, and whatever else might remind him that an attractive girl was lying on top of him, he desperately attempted to calm himself enough to sleep, even though all he wanted to do at this point was curl up and die from embarrassment. By some miracle, he did manage to get to sleep, eventually, but his dreams gave him no respite.

* * *

There had only been one time in his life when he had felt what was running through his nerves now, and that time the girl in question had held his nose until he had nearly passed out on the floor. Someone's tongue moved inside his mouth, and someone's body moved against his, and...

Shinji's eyes snapped open, locking onto the startled crimson orbs inches away from his own. Neither of them breathed, and neither of them moved. Checking with a piece of his mind that was not currently shrieking in fear and embarrassment, he found to his relief that no part of her was in him.

"...t-tell me," Shinji cleared his very dry throat. "Tell me you didn't just have a dream." _Please._

"...o-kay." Her pupils had constricted further despite the dark, "I did not just have a dream."

Shinji watched in fascination and fear. Never before had he directly observed Rei tell a lie. The moment stretched out, and a hint of pink crept onto her cheeks. _...g-get off._ He could not make his voice work. She seemed to come to some inner decision, and began to lean forward. _No! Don't-_ Her lips touched his, stopping all thought.

* * *

Warmth. Her breath on him. He was lying in a pool of familiar yellowish liquid, and someone's arms were around his body, as her lips ever so gently ministered to his. This was Heaven, he decided, and he was dead. The soft warm sensation of her lips against his erased everything else from his mind, smoothing out all the jagged memories of Third Impact, all the embarrassments of his half-a-year-stay at NERV, everything. If this was the end result of all that, it was worth it, he decided. Fear tingled at the back of his mind, but for some reason it was much lessened. She was kissing him, he realized, and this time it wasn't a dream. Rei was kissing him. He wanted her to stop, and at the same time he wanted to stay in this place for the rest of eternity.

* * *

Her lips pulled away, and his vision cleared. A look of open curiosity and wonder was on her face, as if she had discovered some new piece of herself she did not know existed. Dawn peeked through the window, bringing him to his senses.

"R-Rei! I- umm..." He carefully slid sideways, as mindful of her injuries as he was of her closeness. Her eyes never left his as he gently laid her down onto the futon. On his way to the bathroom he nearly broke his neck tripping over a malicious piece of corner tiling that had come loose and found its way under his stumbling feet.

As usual the water coming from the shower-head took half an age to warm up, but his thoughts were far away, back in that comfortable place where her lips had been over his. He shut his eyes and shook his head furiously as if that action alone could dislodge the clinging thought. In the end he never did turn the warm water up. By the time he had dried off, dressed, and walked back through the bedroom, Rei had fallen asleep on his futon. _Of course she couldn't make it back to bed,_ he thought guiltily. _I wasn't there to help._ Trudging into the kitchen area, he set about preparing breakfast. He had almost everything heated up when an insistent knock sounded through the apartment.

_Who...?_ His feet took him to the door, and it wasn't until he heard the click of the mechanism as he opened it that the answer came to him. _Ritsuko! But she's early. No, we were just late getting up..._ He was still trying to work out the bad feeling that was slowly building when the doctor strode in, her eyes taking in the breakfast simmering on the stove, the general mess, and Rei. On the futon.

"Why is she on the futon, Shinji?"

"Ahmm... she fell off the bed," the words were out of his mouth before he could think of a good story. "...in her sleep," he continued. "So she slept there, since..." He shut his mouth with a click, knowing he was only digging his hole deeper. _I'm sure it doesn't look good for me to have let her fall off the bed like that, especially with her injuries,_ he admitted to himself as Ritsuko took out her cell-phone and began summoning all manner of trouble. _Oh well,_ he sighed. The next time he returned to the beginning, she would not remember this. Besides Rei, no one ever seemed to remember.

* * *

Rei awoke to find nurses who helped her onto a stretcher and out into a waiting ambulance. Ritsuko's questions were just becoming direct and uncomfortable when the world faded around her.

She awoke on the post-Third-Impact beach, the garish white forms of the crucified Eva Series protruding from the water like vengeful phantoms in the night. Nothing from the desolate scene intruded on her inner thoughts, however, which were playing over and over the memory of her kiss.

"Sorry about that," Shinji's voice startled her. "I forgot Ritsuko would be coming by."

She had seen the fear in his eyes, along with other emotions she could not identify. _If he did not hate me for my actions before, he surely does now._

"I apologize," she spoke carefully, trying to hide the sadness in her voice, "if I was too forward."

"No!" he almost interrupted her with the quickness of his answer, and she could practically hear the blush crawl over his face. "I mean, that's... okay. I enjoyed it." It was obvious he was forcing the words out.

"You do not have to lie, Ikari." Her voice was quiet enough that she wasn't sure if he even heard it over the rolling surf a few yards away. "I know you fear me." With an effort she kept her voice from breaking. "I saw it in your face before you confirmed it with your words, and..."

"Rei." Wetness drifted around in her eyes, but she consciously stopped herself from crying. _"Rei."_ She jumped when his hand touched her chin, gently forcing her to turn and look at him. A single tear made its way out the corner of her eye and dropped to the sand. "I did... do... fear you. What you are. What I saw..." from his haunted expression, he was reliving memories again. "But I don't want to any more." She could see the struggle on his face, and how he was pushing through the feelings that had so often made him run from her presence. "Help me," the world faded around them as he spoke.

* * *

The late afternoon sun glinted from what skyscrapers were still above-ground-level as Shinji hung up the phone and silenced the recording that was busily informing him of the obvious. _She was crying._ He realized his heart was still beating rapidly, which brought to mind strange questions. How much of him was brought back each time he traveled through time? _Why can't Sensei teach us relevant things?_ Shinji wondered idly as he waited for Misato. _Quantum physics, heck, even psychology would be of some help right now-_ His eyes were suddenly drawn to an interesting series of spider web cracks that appeared in the distant earthen rise several thousand meters away. _Huh. Now _that's_ never hap- _The mountain exploded.

Through the hazy brown plume of dirt and rock, he saw the outline of the rampaging Angel. Something near its eye-level glinted three times, and three crosses of purple light blossomed a dozen blocks away. Shinji stood, transfixed by the Angel's strange actions. Wind and pressure changes whipped over him, causing his shirt to flap wildly. A flash of movement at a distant street corner caught his eye, and he looked over in time to see Misato's Alpine slide around in a perfectly-controlled drift. She caught sight of him seconds after he saw her, and the car seemed to leap through the intervening space. Shinji was just picking up his bag when the blue sports coupe began to expand along its seams and edges almost comically. _What-_ Boiling purple light enveloped the car, the block, and him.

* * *

He jackknifed up to a sitting position on the beach, his eyes wild for a moment as the last few subjective seconds caught up with him. _What made it do that?_ He wondered helplessly, looking around at the desolate post-Third-Impact scenery. His mind raced as the options before him narrowed. _There's no way I can escape in time. What now? What-_ He jumped at Rei's touch on his arm, her concerned expression drawing him back to reality, or at least the current reality.

"It went crazy," he mumbled. "The Angel, I mean. It was firing its energy weapon everywhere, then it hit Misato's car, and..." Her eyes widened at the implications. "I don't know how I forgot," he spoke quickly. "It was already behaving differently at the beginning. When I faced it for the first time after Third Impact, it was digging into the entry point I came out of in the original time-line." There was a moment of silence as Rei digested this.

"The Angels, or at least this one, remember what happened in the original time-line as well," she surmised.

Even though he had come to the same conclusion intellectually, hearing it in her words shook him. It was beyond obvious that the Angels possessed intelligence, and likely sentience as well, but they had always been the _enemy_ to him. Nebulous and vague, giant monsters that he fought at arms length in an Eva. That they might be experiencing the time-loops in the same way as he and Rei brought them too close to his own level for comfort.

"Rei, there's no way I can escape if it really wants to kill me." The truth of that statement sank in as he said it, causing him to shiver once. A corner of his mind wondered when he had started calling his fellow pilot by her first name. Probably sometime after that dream, or maybe the kiss. He looked away from her in embarrassment.

"We have no other option than to go back."

He looked down, running sand between his fingers, trying to dispute her statement, but she was right. He closed his eyes, marshaling what courage he could, then sent them back.

* * *

As he hung up the phone, he realized what he had just done. _I just sent us back. I did that. With my mind._ He stood, his entire body numb with the implications of what had just happened. _My thoughts control things._ Just like Instrumentality. He ran his hand over the rough metal of the phone booth, as if he could divine the secrets of the universe from the pseudo-random swirls put into it by the metal-stamping process used in its fabrication. _This is real,_ he reminded himself._ This is not Third Impact._ His legs began to go limp as he realized he knew nothing for sure.

"Shinji, right?" He turned his head slowly at the cheery bounce of Misato's teasing voice. "You gonna make love to that thing? C'mon, we gotta go!"

"_It wasn't funny the first time, and it isn't funny now,"_ he grumbled under his breath as he slowly bent and retrieved his bag.

"What was that?" she snapped.

"Nothing," he answered, glancing innocently at her as he got in. He slammed the door, and then slammed against the back of the seat when she punched the gas, glancing over her shoulder furtively. After a few seconds, he looked back as well. A dark shadow stretched out over a few blocks half a kilometer back. An unmoving shadow.

* * *

Hurtling towards the surface and the inevitable confrontation, Shinji couldn't keep down the sudden burst of nervous energy. He had faced far worse Angels than this one, and he had beaten the one outside three times already, but he couldn't erase the image he had seen from Misato's car. He didn't even flinch when the Eva slammed to a stop and the doors cross-hatched open in front of him. Listening with half an ear so he didn't get too far ahead of Ritsuko's careful-but-tense instructions, he moved slowly out of the entry point towards the blinking dot on his map overlay. The Angel came into view, or rather he came into view of the Angel, and it was exactly where it had been half an hour ago when he had left it.

The menacing black giant stood frozen, staring off into the distance at who-knew-what as if someone had hit pause on a giant television. JSSDF VTOLs haloed the Angelic statue, circling it warily but not firing, perhaps afraid to break whatever impromptu ceasefire was now in effect. Most likely they knew how useless their weapons were against the enigmatic alien. Three funeral pyres of black smoke rose from the city behind the Angel, marking the deaths of fighter pilots before the creature had fallen silent. Drawing closer, he could see the path of destruction that led from the shore up to where it now stood, twisted shells of destroyed tanks and APCs littering the road like bread-crumbs.

"What..." _What now? _He almost had asked. _"Kill it!"_ he imagined Misato's 'are you crazy' look. He reached up and drew his prog-knife, expecting any moment that the Angel would suddenly burst to life, bringing with it a world of pain before he could send it on its way to oblivion. His eyes widened when his questing probe touched the Angel's AT-field. The creature's field dissipated as if it were a soap bubble. Drawing his own field back close for protection, he shoved the hissing blade into the Angel's core. Sparks flew around his wrist near the entry wound, and the light in the creature's eyes guttered like a dying candle before disappearing.

The silence from Central Dogma was broken by a sudden babble of status queries and sensor requests as Shinji followed Ritsuko's unnecessary instructions back to the entry point.

* * *

For the first time since the resets began, subjective days ago, Shinji felt comfortable as he sat on the end of Rei's bed eating supper. Or at least the tension was mostly gone, which for him equated to comfort. The ever-present cicadas serenaded them quietly as they set aside their bowls, and a wry grin tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"That may be the last time we have miso for a while."

Rei's face took on a subtle crestfallen look that he doubted anyone else but Gendo would be able to discern. "I mean, I'll be able to get to the store, tomorrow," he hastened to add. "Now that I'm done with the Angel."

Silence filled the apartment, and fresh air from the cooling-unit battled for dominance with the hint of antiseptic tang that clung to everything in the small room. The two pilots were content with this, however, each in their own way and in their own thoughts. He had already told her about the final eerie showdown with the Angel, which she had listened to in silence, obviously as puzzled as he was. After several minutes, he reached over and collected her discarded bowl, taking it and his own to the sink for later washing. He wanted nothing more than a good long sleep. Every time he reset, he had come back to late evening, and so logically he should have been rested even in his mind, but the nightmares had made sure what sleep he had gotten was fitful at best.

"Shinji." Her tone held an undercurrent of tense fear, and his hand stopped abruptly above the light switch, as if the inanimate piece of electronics had manifested a minuscule AT-field. "I do not wish to dream." Her voice was back under control as she reiterated the words she had spoken upon awakening him the past night.

"That's..." he swallowed, wondering how to put it. "...it's not exactly something I have control of."

She blinked once at his words.

"Twice we have slept together, and I did not dream."

He honestly couldn't believe what was happening.

"Rei, what do you-" He cut off when she patted the bed beside her. The move looked so strange coming from her the he snorted before he caught himself and turned away.

"What's funny?"

"No-nothing!" He tried not to choke.

"It is something, or you would not have laughed." There was an odd sense of irritation in her voice.

"Sorry," he said, sobering up.

"No," she said matter-of-factly, "you are not. Sleep where you wish."

"No," he said quickly, "that's not what I-"

"So now you do want to sleep with me." He turned red. She held his gaze, and then turned red herself. "Why do you always blush?" she asked, irritation creeping its way into her voice again. He started to speak a couple of times, and stopped. "You do not seem to care for me," she observed. "Yet you accepted when I asked that you watch over me as I healed. Why?"

He flicked off the light, and found himself walking over and slipping under the covers. It took all of a half second to come to his senses and lie there, his heart beating painfully. Somehow he had managed not to touch her in the process of getting in the queen-size bed, and he wondered for a moment why she had one that big.

She didn't seem to be tense, and he wondered if she could feel his discomfort. Maybe she was looking at him. He edged his eyes over and saw that hers were closed, her breathing regular. She was good looking, female, and in the same bed. It was about the twentieth time his body had reminded him of that fact in two minutes.

She hadn't moved a muscle since he'd gotten in bed, but she couldn't be asleep this soon. He refused to believe that she was comfortable, that she wasn't feeling at least a little nervous. Then again, he just didn't know what she was feeling. Maybe while his own mind was in tumult, she simply didn't think anything of something like this. She probably wasn't even thinking of him at all besides his use as dream repellent.

A sense of morose replaced the nervousness, and he didn't know which was worse. He rolled over on his side, curling up to a near-fetal position, and let the emotion leach away. Behind him was a girl who, in her own way, seemed to be using him as thoroughly as Misato had used him, as Asuka had used him. He closed his eyes, and slept.

* * *

Darkness was all around, and his eyes didn't seem to work. The darkness was oppressive, and it felt like his eye lids were glued shut. Trying to think was like walking through knee deep mud. He could feel cool earth in front of him, a wall that stretched up past his reach, and curved around behind him, close on all sides.

He had never been prone to claustrophobia, or it might have been bad. He sank down to the ground, glad at least for the momentary peace. If he was stuck in a hole somewhere, his options were limited. More like zero.

"_No, don't give up! Reach!"_ The voice was distorted, but he recognized it, even if he couldn't see a face. Looking up, he saw a patch of light against the darkness, and a figure stretching her hand downwards. He stood up, and realized the figure wasn't as far away as he had thought. But still too far to reach. He began to slump back downwards in defeat. It was pitiful to come so close only to fail.

"_Don't give up!"_ She called down to him. He looked up, trying to think. _Maybe if I jumped._ He did so, but didn't seem to go anywhere. It was like his legs wouldn't work. He could feel the tips of her fingers, and it was frustrating, but that was it. His strength began to flag, and he stopped to rest. _"Jump!"_ Maybe it was something in her voice, something not usually there. Like she truly needed him. He gathered himself, and jumped.

He was sure he had done better, but her fingertips brushed his and his heart fell. Then she suddenly grabbed his hand, and he hung there, suspended between his former prison and the future unknown. He looked up into her face, which would have been familiar except for the tears glistening in her eyes.

"_You didn't give up,"_ she said, smiling in relief. _"Thank-"_

* * *

"-you."

Suddenly he was quite awake, and quite aware of her arm over his chest, and the rest of her leaning against him. The back of his neck still tickled from where she had spoken. He froze for a moment, but her breathing was regular. Everything stood out in stark detail. Her body heat against his, the touch of her breath on the back of his neck, the loose grasp she had on the front of his shirt. Obviously she was asleep.

Had she been awake when she had done this, or was she hugging him in her sleep?

It didn't really matter. For the moment her carefully hidden feelings were clear to him.


	3. Sempai

Author's Notes: I had already written this before seeing the Rei-lovers react to the last chapter, so I'm glad I made this one Rei-centric. Actually the whole story is quite a bit more Rei-centric than the other one, which is what I wanted. Anyway, enjoy (hopefully).

Gunman – this chapter is kind of an interlude until the battle you're looking for takes place, and then after that, the meeting with Asuka in the chapter after that ;-p I'm definitely not rushing this one, when Asuka makes her appearance, things really start heating up, so enjoy the peace while it while it lasts ;-)

kknd – somewhat right, somewhat wrong, but all your questions and observations are good ones. All I'll say is you'll find out before too long ;-p you definitely have a unique way with words

* * *

Chapter 3 – Sempai

Preread by Fanf1cFan

Except for the never-ending contest between the air-conditioning unit and the cicadas, Rei's apartment was silent. It's two occupants sat in folding chairs eating breakfast from a card-table, she on one side and he on the other, the both of them dressed in their school uniforms. Her arm was still in a sling, and a bandage encircled her head, protecting her still-tender right eye, but she had recovered enough to be able to get up and move around.

She contemplated the plate before her, and the two slices of toast artfully arranged thereon. It was no different from her normal breakfast except for one small detail. _"Cinnamon toast," _he had said, responding to her questioning gaze. _"You've never had it?" "No,"_ she had replied. _"It's good,"_ he had said, then he had fallen silent. It _was_ good, she decided, and the three weeks since she had started eating it had not changed her mind.

She watched as the butter melted into the crisped bread, blurring the pseudo-random swirls of cinnamon until they were nearly the same color as the background of the toast. Her life before Third Impact had been as dull as the plain bread she had every day for breakfast. What was the point of anything else? Her sole purpose in life had been the Evangelion, and that only so that she would eventually be granted the oblivion she had so long desired. Things like a clean living environment, variety in choice of food, and friendship meant little when your main priority was to be allowed to die. What was the point of trying to make a friend, only to hurt them and yourself when your purpose was fulfilled? Why risk rejection when Instrumentality would make it all meaningless? This had been her mind-set before Third Impact.

Picking up half her breakfast, she bit into it, pondering the subtle sweetness the spice gave the bread as she methodically chewed. Much like the swirls of cinnamon that laced her toast, Shinji had woven his way into her routine. Quiet and withdrawn though he was, the kitchen was his domain, and mealtimes were no longer three pointless speed-bumps along the dull monotony of the day. It was not that she disliked cooking, it just hadn't seemed worth the bother. She was well aware of her nutritional requirements, and had a set weekly schedule of what to eat to ensure a nominally healthy diet with a minimal amount of effort. It was with some trepidation that she had shown him her eating schedule, and explained the reasoning behind it. He had simply smiled a little, nodded, and reached out his open hand expectantly for her NERV expense card. Although she had shown no external hesitation or anxiety as she put the piece of plastic into his hand, she had wondered just what would become of her perfectly organized life.

As she ate her toast, she still wondered, but she no longer worried. At least not about her meals. A sharp burst of sweetness startled her taste-buds. _A raisin,_ she decided. _Two of them,_ she amended chewing carefully as the intensity of the flavor slowly died away. If the toast represented her life, then the raisins were the physical points of contact she now had. Touch. The warmth of his body next to hers in the night. The feel of his heart-beat underneath her hand. These memories brought with them a feeling of melancholy, for she knew he did not feel the same need for touch that she did. Although he no longer outwardly manifested signs of fear, she could still sense his slight discomfort whenever they were close. Were it not for the problem of their shared nightmares, he would undoubtedly prefer to sleep separated.

And then there was the kiss. Though she no longer blushed when she thought about it, three weeks had in no way dulled the memory. There had been no further chances for a repeat of that incident. _Or rather, neither he nor I have made any chances._ He would not, of course. She had seen the panic in his eyes when they both had awoken from that rather intense dream, and it was only because of curiosity brought about by the dream itself that she had decided in the moment to kiss him. She closed her eyes, letting the recalled event wash over her. The soft warm feeling of movement against the sensitive areas of the mouth. The speeding up of the heartbeat, and feeling his answering life-pulse through their shared chest contact. What resistance she felt from him had melted away as the kiss continued, but she had finally relented. The only thing left on his face had been embarrassment, which had relieved her. But why embarrassment over something so tender and pleasurable?

"_Help me,"_ he had said as they both lay on the beach in that strange reality. How was she to do that? Between the two choices of talk and action, she had initially chosen action. Since it was closeness he feared, she had begun putting her hand over his chest and snuggling herself up to him before he went to sleep, as opposed to waiting until he was already unconscious. Except for an initial flinch the first couple of times, he had shown no resistance, but then again he rarely showed overt resistance to anything.

"Is something wrong?" She opened her eyes at his words. Her plate was empty, as was his.

"It is nothing," she answered, putting to use one of the phrases he so often used himself. No, she decided, questions would only ruin the bond she already had with her fellow pilot, and she would do nothing to jeopardize their shared touch each night. She slid back her chair and stood.

"Ah..." His vague utterance caused her to pause momentarily. He was smiling a little, so she assumed it was a laugh. He happened to catch her glance, and looked down momentarily before continuing. "Misato once told me that whenever I said 'nothing,' I was looking for attention."

"You asked if something was wrong," she said, correcting his misunderstanding. "Nothing is wrong." _Things are going right, and I don't want to ruin it._

"Alright, alright, sorry I doubted your motives." Oddly enough, his smile twitched a little, becoming larger. She replayed her words, trying to discern the humor in them, and failing. Perhaps it was simply the way in which she spoke. She never engaged anyone other than Shinji and the Commander in any kind of extended conversation, so she had no other experiences with which to gauge the validity of such a guess.

"I accept your apology," she said demurely, turning to leave the small kitchen area and go back into the main living room. Behind her she heard him clear his throat in what sounded suspiciously like a choked laugh. Such occurrences had been happening every so often when they spoke, but despite her attempts, she could not puzzle out what it was about her speech that was funny. She had attempted to make a joke once, and it had fallen so far flat as to strengthen her resolve never to try again in her lifetime.

Checking the small clock on her rolling bedside table to make sure she was still within schedule, she began to stretch carefully, keeping constant awareness of her still-healing injuries. She was about halfway through her normal routine which she had resumed six days prior, when the soft clatter of dish-washing ceased. He was slightly behind his usual schedule by her estimation, but it did not matter since he usually spent the remainder of his morning time listening to his portable music player. She had inquired once out of curiosity as to what music he played, and was not terribly surprised to find that it was mostly classical, which seemed to fit his personality.

As she began on the more difficult and painful stretches, she reflected on her room-mate's most recent behavior. The past week he had begun to deviate from his norm, expressing a more intent interest in her daily routine. She was almost certain he was trying to establish a more intimate rapport with her, but as with all matters of the heart, it was difficult to be sure. Her thoughts on the matter were conflicted. While a closer relationship was more appealing in that the possibility of shared touch was increased, it was also far more dangerous. A closer relationship would only accentuate how little she knew of the subject, and increased the likelihood of a mistake that could cost her everything.

Something prickled the back of her neck, and she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Shinji was standing in the doorway between the two rooms. The kitchen was undoubtedly warm, and he had just finished washing dishes in hot water, but his face was a little too flushed even given those circumstances. She considered and immediately discarded the possibility that his reaction was to her physical appearance. In her own eyes her physical attributes were utterly average, with the exception of her hair and eyes. Other than assuring it was properly washed and free of tangles, she gave no special attention to her hair, but she had directly observed the attention her eyes had drawn when she had first begun attending school. It did not take long at all for the other girls to start belittling her. It did not occur to her that they were jealous of her most striking feature. She only knew that her red eyes drew unwanted negative attention and rude stares.

Shinji cleared his throat nervously. "-ah, is that physical therapy assigned by Ritsuko?" Though his tone was covered by the more overt worry that she might injure herself, she detected a hint of the interest he had begun to show in her daily life.

"No," she answered, deciding that if she offered an explanation on her own, it would save them both the time it would take for him to decide he wanted to inquire further. "Stretches to aid in the practice of gymnastics." She saw his eyes widen slightly.

"Wow. I didn't know you did gymnastics. But isn't it too early to be starting back on something like that?"

"It is," she responded. "I am merely doing the stretches." Almost she let her attention drift away, but when he paused, wavering for a moment, she knew he was not yet through. He appeared to be having some kind of furious internal argument, before eventually pushing through and speaking.

"I wonder if that kind of thing would help. Me, I mean," he hastily amended. "Or do you think it's too late to start?" Wheels seemed to be turning in his head, pushing him past his initial hesitancy. "I wonder if I can use this thing we're in to make up for lost time..."

His question was not completely unexpected. Though they had not yet talked in depth about their separate experiences, she had given the matter serious thought. The real question, she knew, was not whether or not it would be good for him to train, but whether or not it would be good for them to do so together. She knew the request was coming, and had considered its ramifications. A blunt rejection would harm what she was trying to preserve, while going along with his potential request would bring them closer to a possible misunderstanding and separation.

"My personal experience is that all physical changes are erased each time we return to the beginning. With the exception of the brain, and possibly the nerve impulses, everything is returned to the state it was in at that moment in time." He nodded slowly. "Such training would likely prove fruitless." She saw his face fall at her subtle decline of his unspoken request. "I will be returning to school today," she continued, hoping to take his mind off the unpleasant topic.

"Oh?" an interrogative expression erased the former sadness. "Are you sure you're up for it?" The care in his tone was obvious, so she overlooked the likely-unintentional insult of her self-observation skills.

"Yes. I have already been through similar circumstances once before," she reminded him.

"Okay," he responded, turning to go back to the kitchen. "I'll pack your lunch with mine, then."

"Thank you," she murmured.

* * *

The morning sun crawled up the sky as the two pilots made their way along the undulations of the sidewalk towards school. _So she doesn't want me to practice gymnastics with her._ He had been around his fellow pilot long enough during the past month and in the months of his previous life to know that she had turned him down even though he had not managed to properly ask. _Then why are we walking to school together?_ He filed the question with all the other why's he was collecting about the enigmatic girl he slept with.

_Slept with._ Even a month had not managed to dull that novel experience. Truthfully, he was rather glad to be in a position where Rei needed him, where she relied on him for meals and anything else that required the ability to move around. It meant he was safe from abandonment, or at least he _had_ been safe. She had almost completely recovered. Perhaps that was what had pushed him out of his comfort zone and enabled him to consider trying to get closer to her. Or it might have been at night when she had started moving close to him immediately, instead of waiting until he went to sleep.

He had yet to decide if he was in heaven or hell. Unlike the kiss, which he could pass off as her being curious, she really seemed to want the physical contact they shared at night. It was strange, because he had never known Rei to want anything apart from her work with Eva.

"An Angel should attack today." Her calm tone belied the subject matter.

_Ah, so that's why we're walking together._ She simply wanted to discuss the Angel attack. Even though he had expected something like this, it was still kind of a let-down. _Even if she does care, in the end she's using me, just like Misato. I'm just part of her work._

"Will it attack?" he wondered idly.

"By all previous indications, you will have to fight it at least once," she replied. "Whether it will mimic the previous Angel and decide not to attack after that, I do not know."

"I've got a lot more experience than when I last faced this one," he reasoned. "I shouldn't have any problems."

She nodded, contemplating what she was about to suggest. "We should leave school and be at headquarters before it attacks."

"That's a good idea," he admitted.

_It is as long as the Angel keeps to schedule,_ she thought, but did not say. It was difficult enough putting forth a plan that had them risking suspicion, or even discovery.

Silence gave way to subdued chatter as they approached the main subdivisions and entered the sparse flow of other students heading in the same direction. He could practically feel the stares that he, or rather he and his blue-haired companion, were attracting. He wondered idly if Rei would notice, and decide she would rather walk alone. Part of him almost hoped she would do that, since he would then no longer be in the spotlight, but in truth it felt good to walk beside her to school.

_I wonder what Kensuke or Touji would think if they saw this._ He could imagine Kensuke's camera somewhere nearby filming every expression on Rei's face, and him beside her. He knew the class otaku would not hesitate to sell him down the river over something this new and intriguing. He smiled a little. Kensuke wouldn't hesitate to sell him out even if he remembered the six months they had spent as friends. At the moment, they were barely acquaintances.

_Wait. Kensuke and Touji..._ His smile disappeared as he considered their role in the Angel attack.

"What is it?"

He jumped at Rei's words, and then realized he had been ignoring her questioning gaze for some time, forcing her to speak.

"Kensuke and Touji were outside during the attack last time." _The battle would be a lot smoother without them being there. But it's not like they'll listen to me. Or rather, Kensuke wouldn't listen._

"Yes," she observed. "Class Representative Horaki was lax in her duties that day."

"Don't let her hear you say that," he muttered, his mouth twitching.

"Why not?" Rei's innocent question took him by surprise. "Perhaps hearing it would make her more attentive."

"Ah... That's true, I guess." It would mean coming up with some sort of believable story, and talking to her, but talking to Hikari would doubtless be more effective than talking with Kensuke.

* * *

Immediately after following Rei into the classroom, Shinji found himself dragged bodily aside by one Touji Suzuhara and his bespectacled accomplice.

"Dude, you totally left us hanging!" Touji's implied humorous threat niggled a bit, but he was still a little startled at the abrupt kidnapping.

"Hey, guys, I didn't know you cared..." He raised both hands in surrender, grinning a bit. He had started walking to school with them earlier than he had originally, but it had not changed much.

"We're your friends, of course we care," Kensuke chided him.

"...about how you managed to break through the ice wall around Ayanami!" Touji interjected.

_Of course,_ Shinji sighed. "Guys, it's really not like that..." He knew it was useless though.

"Hard proof, Ikari!" Touji said adamantly.

"Yours for a price..." Kensuke added enticingly, waving the camera back and forth.

"...aah," Shinji was just beginning to sweat when a quiet voice interrupted the byplay.

"If I have to do so, I will have NERV Security confiscate that."

Rei eyed Kensuke as if he were some sort of insect, before turning to go back to her desk. Touji sank into a seat, smoothing back his unruly hair as he watched Rei's departing form.

"Man, you just got burned," Shinji heard him say to Kensuke as he made his own escape. It wasn't until he was halfway across the room that he remembered he had chosen to sit behind Rei's seat a month ago.

* * *

The long dreary class day was interrupted by a question blinking expectantly on his computer screen. _Well, it was only a matter of time._ Reluctantly glancing back behind him, he caught the smile and wave of the cute black-haired girl who had sent him the electronic message. Akira, if he remembered correctly. After a moment of further consideration, Shinji signed away his fate with a three-letter word. Not ten seconds later, practically the entire class surrounded his desk.

"Oh, wow...!"

"What's it called?"

"-we're so proud of you!"

"...what's it like?"

It still felt good to be the center of such adulation. Half a minute and half a dozen questions later, he remembered that Rei's desk was immediately ahead of his, and that she hated crowds. Her empty desk, he realized. Looking around, he finally saw her making her way out of the room, probably to visit the facilities until the flash-crowd died down.

"_You just had to say yes, didn't you?"_ It was something she would never put into words, but her slender back spoke eloquently enough as she quietly slipped out of the classroom.

* * *

Rei methodically ate the lunch Shinji had packed for her. The boy was sitting across the lunchroom, still surrounded by his impromptu crowd. Were it not for the fact that she was in the middle of it all, it would have been interesting to note how circumstances could change so drastically in just a few hours. Earlier that morning she had carefully rebuffed his attempt to get closer to her, and she was already regretting it. Or if she were being honest, she was regretting it more than she had immediately after making the hard decision.

There was no predicting how he would react this time around. Perhaps he would decide to initiate relations with one of the many girls surrounding him. He had not the last time, but he was a different person now. How would such a relationship change what she had with him? Again, there was no way to predict such things, since she had no actual experience in those matters.

What if he grew more distant from her? What if he subsequently decided to stop sleeping in her bed? What if he even decided to move out? _As long as he is happy,_ she thought, quashing the obstinate feelings. _I do not care what he does in relation to me, as long as he-_ A sharp pain constricted her chest at the lie. _I do not wish to lose his touch,_ she admitted to herself. Yet how could she tell him that? He did not know, and had no way of knowing without guessing from her actions. To tell him would be to risk embarrassment and rejection. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she did not notice the unobtrusive raven-haired girl that sat down a couple of seats away and began eating.

Kensuke's voice startled her. "-umm, did your boyfriend abandon you?" The boy set his tray down beside her place at the long table, and she looked up in time to see him blanch, as if he had just heard his own words. She took a moment to observe her nearly empty lunch box, decide she was done, and rise smoothly from her chair. Ignoring her two would-be tormentors, she walked slowly back to the classroom.

"Real smooth there, Kensuke," the jock needled his friend. "I think you're making progress."

"Wait!" Kensuke called. "I didn't mean it like that...!"

"Then how did you mean it?" Touji asked pointedly. "Just apologize, give her the tape, and be done with it."

"Why don't you guys leave her alone!" Rei was somewhat surprised to hear a new female voice, but she did not turn around. Behind her, the girl's dark purple hair shook as she berated the two stooges. "Can't you see that she's worried about something?"

* * *

The sun stood high in the sky, baking all beneath it in the permanent summer brought by Second Impact. Shinji couldn't help but cast furtive glances behind him at the now-toy-sized school that was slowly shrinking into the distance as he and the First Child made their way towards the nearest access route down to NERV headquarters below.

"Your worry is out of proportion to the danger we face." Rei glanced at him side-long as she spoke.

"-ahaha..." He cleared his throat of the nervous laughter before continuing. "You mean from the Angel, or from the Class Rep if she finds out how you set up Touji?" He imagined he could still hear the boy screaming, undoubtedly from a certain female dragging him off by an earlobe.

"Did we not escape undetected?" Rei's questioning tone sounded just a little too innocent, but he was sure he was reading too much into it. "Loose lips sink ships, Ikari," she said, returning her gaze to the front as they walked. "I am aware that you have not been trained to resist interrogation techniques, but surely you can hold your own against a fourteen year old female."

"-ah. Umm... Are we talking about you or Hikari?" he asked hesitantly. "Because that's two right there that I'm not too confident about." At that he could have sworn that a bare shading of pink crossed her cheeks for an instant, but he put it down to his own imagination. In any case she did not respond. Several minutes later he broke the silence again. "I didn't know you had an interest in war history." Referring to her 'loose lips' quote.

"I don't," she answered simply. "The Commander suggested it, among other things, as an area of study while I was growing up."

"...ah."

A minute or two passed before she continued the line of thought.

"For you to recognize it means you studied it yourself," she observed. "Your personality does not suggest that such things would interest you."

He smiled wanly. "Well, it's not like I'm an otaku, but I did pay attention during history, and maybe I did a little extra reading. I guess I'm just like most other guys when it comes to wars, as long as they don't involve me." He knew he should have been happy talking with her like this. It had been over a month since the last time he had been forced to use the power he had for whatever reason been given. Almost he could imagine that everything was normal. That he did not have the power to alter reality by killing himself. It would have been easier were it not for the fact that he was about to go into battle. If the Angel killed him, he would be forced to go through it all again. And again, and again, until he got it right, or decided to give up. It seemed too much like a cosmic prank when he thought seriously about it, which was why he did not often do so.

"It's laundry day," he said, reaching for something, anything, mundane.

"Yes," she affirmed. Half a minute later she continued. "Later this evening I will be undergoing a full check-up, and tonight the Commander will doubtless request that I dine with him."

He nodded absently. He was beginning to recognize the schedule his father kept. "I've got training, but I'll be home before you, probably."

Half an hour later they reached the Linear Rail Line down into the Geofront, and were slowly descending towards the beautiful vista below, facing each other in the small compartment as they often did.

"The Angel is off-schedule."

He nodded at her comment, not surprised that she had timed it so they would still be on the way. It might have seemed suspicious if they arrived too early. Of course this meant that things were already different, which did not sit well with his fluttering stomach. _What else is going to be different about this fight?_ he wondered, glancing out towards the massive pyramid of Central Dogma as the train came level with its apex and continued downwards.

The Angel still had not appeared by the time the train landed. The two meandered their way along the grounds, eventually sinking down against the trunk of a giant tree, enjoying its shade while they waited. The afternoon sun, transferred through the complex mirror systems built into the many skyscrapers of Tokyo-3, filtered down through the canopy of greenery surrounding them laying diffuse patterns of shade onto the forest floor. He glanced over at Rei. Her eyes were closed, her hands clasped over her chest, mimicking his own posture. Or perhaps he had mimicked hers. He closed his eyes, waiting for the alert siren. It never came, and the light filtering down played hypnotically over his closed eyelids. At some point he fell asleep without realizing it.

"We are expected at headquarters soon." The six-word statement drew him back to wakefulness, and he squinted his eyes. The late-afternoon streamers of light from overhead were at a much sharper angle than he last remembered. He resisted the urge to ask the useless question of whether there had been an alert. The past month had been enough to reacquaint him with Rei's dislike of meaningless questions.

Getting to his feet, he walked with her until their paths diverged somewhere deeper inside NERV proper.

* * *

Washing the dishes after his solitary supper, Shinji reflected on the fancy stepping he'd have to do the next morning at school. It was fairly common knowledge that he and Rei were both NERV employees, but their schedules almost never took them away from school in the middle of the day. They either had the entire day off, or just went in at night. _Maybe I can say it was an unscheduled drill._ Of course no amount of explanation would stop his two friends from cross-examining him.

Having stretched the dish-washing out as far as humanly possible, he reluctantly approached the washer and drier in the short alcove next to the door of the apartment. The very threatening door, he realized, gazing at it with some trepidation. The door through which Rei would doubtless come right at the moment he was putting her unmentionables into the wash. Blushing, he hurriedly measured soap into the machine, and carefully but quickly loaded the laundry into it. It was only the second time he had done laundry since moving in, and lady luck was apparently smiling, for he finished without interruption.

He showered and dressed for bed, pausing momentarily at the light switch. The apartment was mostly clean by now. It had not been nearly as wrecked as Misato's when he had first arrived half-a-subjective-year ago, which was surprising. Or not, considering the woman's lifestyle. The wave of melancholy at the thought of his former guardian was no longer overwhelming. Switching out the light, he slipped into bed. Questions and scenarios chased their way around his mind until Rei entered the darkened apartment half an hour later.

Hovering on the edge sleep, he heard the now-familiar sounds of her going through her nightly routine, not even requiring what extra light would have been provided by the overhead fixture. He felt the depression of the mattress to his left, and the usual thrill of electricity shot through him as her unbandaged arm threaded its way under his own and onto his chest over his heart. He suppressed a sigh, knowing it would be yet another hour until he would calm back down and get to sleep.

"-m-maybe we won't have to fight the Angels after all. Maybe they've given up." It was a forlorn hope, but still it was there.

"Maybe." The word whispered its way past his neck.

* * *

Shinji opened bleary eyes to find the room still cloaked in darkness, and Rei missing. He came awake instantly, sitting up and looking around in confusion until the soft rustle of cloth told him where she was.

"Rei?"

The light snapped on, and he blinked a couple of times as he adjusted to the relative brightness.

"Shinji." She turned around, slipping the remainder of her school uniform in place onto her shoulders. "We are to report in. The Angel has been found."

_Found, as opposed to "...the Angel is attacking."_ He quickly dressed, catching up to her outside the apartment.

"They didn't tell you anything else?"

"No."

The barest hint of pink was showing on the horizon behind them as they jogged through the darkened streets of Tokyo-3. The early morning was slightly chill, and the lack of sirens and calls for evacuation gave a surreal edge to the atmosphere. The buildings had not even retracted, which seemed to indicate that either the city itself was not in danger, or something was going on with the attack that NERV wanted to keep secret. By the time they got to the nearest Linear Rail station, he was completely out of breath, while Rei showed almost no signs of fatigue except for a spot of pink on each cheek.

"-may... maybe I should start training on my own anyway," he managed to gasp out as he gulped lung-fulls of air while she calmly swiped her NERV card through the reader.

"...maybe," she replied cryptically, and she almost looked like she wanted to speak further, but Shinji was in no condition to do any kind of psychoanalysis, he being too busy trying not to pass out in the street.

* * *

The F-Type airframe that carried his Eva through the sky did not so much as rattle or bounce, except in extreme turbulence, which was not surprising since it was very nearly capable of vertical take-off. The last time Shinji had been in the F-Type was when he and Asuka had fought against the twin Angels, and here he was about to engage an Angel still in its embryonic form. She was the only one with experience in such matters, and had he not been there to save her, she would have been crushed in the volcano along with her Unit-02. Besides his strange circumstances, he had no backup, since Rei's Eva had yet to be reactivated. The meandering coastline drew closer, lit-up city and suburbs giving way to a spreading pool of midnight blue that was the sea.

"_It's the Eva's diving equipment."_ Ritsuko's words still played through his mind, as he had looked on at a slightly-more-buff-looking Unit-01. The Eva appeared to be wearing a kind of full-body-suit that hugged its armor-plating like a second skin, except for a rather bulky-looking back-pack. _"The Evas were never made to take extreme pressure, which is one of the reasons they don't function well underwater."_

"_Why not?"_ he had asked.

"_Well, for one, Eva's armor binds under pressure,"_ she had explained, switching over to 'lecture mode.' _"The diving equipment has ridges on the inside that fit between the armor plates and prevent binding. And over the long term, the chances of infection and necrosis increases dramatically if any contamination, even sea water, gets between the armor and the Eva's skin and is not thoroughly and quickly cleaned out. It's part of the reason we keep them in the ultra-clean environment NERV provides. The diving suit takes care of both issues."_

The giant flying wing traced a slow circle above what showed up on his display as one of the older CGN(X) Nuclear Guided Missile Cruisers that had been part of America's Pacific fleet before it was absorbed into the UN combined fleet. _"It's the closest ship we have that's big enough to power the Eva,"_ Misato had told him during the briefing.

"Drop-off in three, two, one, release!" Hyuga's tense voice called out as the restraining bolts retracted, sending the Eva into free-fall. Dark waters rushed up to engulf him, the impact muted by the suit his Eva wore.

"Looking good, Shinji!" Misato's boisterous voice echoed through the comm channel. "I'd say that's a nine point three, right?" It sounded as if she had turned her head to the side to speak to someone.

"Eight point five," Rei's muted voice responded. A bunch of choking and spluttering ensued.

"...Rei, was that a joke?" Misato finally got out. Shinji couldn't help but smile.

"No," Rei said simply.

"...umm, guys, my power," he muttered, glancing at the red numbers counting down as he rebounded off the sea bottom and rose towards where his sensors told him the ship waited.

"-oh, sure," Misato replied. "Drop that thing!" she yelled off-mike.

Shinji heard a crisp "-yes ma'am," followed by a splash above. He caught the power cable on his way up, plugging in as his Eva's head broke the surface of the wave-tossed sea.

"See?" Misato crowed. "Positive buoyancy, just like Ritsuko said! Nothing to worry about..."

"Yeah," Shinji mumbled noncommittally, as the cruiser/Eva combination set off towards the open sea.

* * *

Rei stood on the fore-deck of the cruiser with Misato, watching the power umbilical spool out over the edge of the ship via heavy-duty crane and into the water. By now the horizon showed a definite pink, promising a sunrise in the near future. The VTOL which had transported them to the ship rested on its skids on the aft hangar deck, engines still idling.

"As long as his suit holds up, Shinji should be in no danger at all," Misato spoke, Rei supposed, more to calm her own nerves than for any other purpose. "We're directly over the last detection point, and even if he drops to the sea-bed, he's still well within tolerances."

_I am worse than useless at this point,_ Rei decided. _Anything that cripples Shinji and forces me to act in my role as backup pilot would be cause for us to return to the beginning and redo the events in hope of a better outcome. In essence, I am his insurance. If he is too crippled to kill himself, I must find some way to do the deed. Is this humor, or irony, I wonder?_ She pondered whether to ask him later when they were alone.

"Shinji, you should be approaching the target depth," Ritsuko's calm clipped tone betrayed no tension at all, unless you knew what to look for.

"-yes ma'am, but I don't see any... wait, I think I see-" static crackled through the air, gobbling up whatever words might have been uttered by the young pilot.

"Shinji?" Misato nearly shrieked. The lines swayed gently as the sky brightened noticeably. Tension and static crackled through the air, fighting for attention with the crane, which began creaking alarmingly.

"-gaged the electromagnetic cage. I said I've engaged the electromagnetic cage, is anybody up there?"

Misato let out her breath all at once, sinking into a chair. "Thank God. Don't _do_ that to me Shinji."

"...do what?" he asked innocently.

"Never mind. We're bringing you back up."

"Roger. The Angel's secure, I guess."

* * *

"Wow, gloomy atmosphere!" Misato exclaimed, dropping her tray onto the table next to Ritsuko's. Besides the two of them, Rei, and Shinji, the NERV cafeteria was empty. "We won! Lighten up, guys..." She fell on her tray like a one-woman pack of starving wolverines.

"-eh, sorry," Shinji gave a wan smile, scratching the back of his head. "Just thinking."

"You're too young to be thinking," Misato said around her food. "Enjoy life! You don't get another shot, you know... what?"

"No, nothing," Shinji averted his gaze, going back to work on his breakfast and trying to wipe the smile off his face. Rei continued to eat quietly and methodically, ignoring the banter. Misato's grin turned feral as she sensed the strange mood.

"You know, Rei, I'm actually kinda jealous," the woman began in far too innocent a tone. "Rits tells me what a great house-keeper Shinji is. I could use some of that around my place, haha..." She might as well have been talking to a brick wall, though a bare hint of pink may have crossed the girl's cheeks momentarily.

"...haven't found anyone to clean up the pig-sty?" The words were out of Shinji's mouth before his brain could intervene. It had been such a hot-button issue with him, he hadn't even thought. He paled as Misato colored.

"And just how do you know the state of my abode, young man?" She spoke with mock fury, but the 'mock' part was lost on the panicking Eva pilot.

"-don't ask me how she gets drunk at such an early hour," Ritsuko said in an undertone, rolling her eyes.

"...um, ah-" He fidgeted and sweated furiously. Fortunately Misato was too buzzed to notice. "-well, the state of your apartment is kind of legendary around NERV depar-"

"-damn that Hyuga!" the raven-haired Captain interrupted Shinji's attempts at an explanation, crossing her arms in frustration and looking to the side as she jumped to exactly the wrong conclusion. "Invite the man over for tea once, and he back-stabs you!"

_Sorry Lieutenant,_ Shinji thought, going back to his meal as Misato launched into a diatribe on the man's perceived faults. Several minutes later the feral look returned.

"-say, with the two of you living together, don't tell me you two are an item!" she stabbed her fork in Shinji's general direction for emphasis. He managed not to blush, and Rei gave no indication she was even aware the three of them were there. "Hey, Rits, have you had 'that' talk with the two of them yet?"

The two teenagers stood up at the exact same time, and Misato burst out laughing. Shinji looked at Rei, who calmly stared back, and the two of them picked up their trays and walked away.

"-ehehe, I think we embarrassed them!"

"Hey, don't drag me into this," Ritsuko insisted. "I still have to be their guardian after today..."

* * *

By the time the two pilots had returned to the surface of Tokyo-3, the morning sun had moved its way up to a dominating position in the heavens, and it was very nearly time for school to begin.

"You know, for some reason I'm actually kind of looking forward to school." At his words, Rei glanced over, noting his calm expression, and his hands, which were in his pockets as the two of them walked along. "Maybe it's because I already know the material, so there's less pressure..."

_Logical,_ she decided. Of course it also led right back to the core issue. With less time needed for classwork, he had more time to spend connecting with his classmates in a way he had not the first time around, which would undoubtedly affect his bond with her. She needed more experience with conversation, but the only earnest and heartfelt conversations she ever had were with the Commander concerning their shared purpose. Despite Shinji's deep-seated dislike of piloting, it was the only thing she knew, and so she turned to it as a first attempt.

"The dive to recover the Angel was new for you," Rei began. "And for me as well. What was it like?"

"...um, well, the equipment itself was some kind of form-fitting material that went between the armor somehow to keep it from binding as the pressure increased, and to enhance the Eva's movements-"

"I know the unit's technical specifications," she interrupted, fixing him with her suddenly expressive gaze as they walked. "How did it feel?"

"Um," his surprised glance lingered on hers for a moment. "-it... it felt kind of like wearing another plug suit on top of the one I already had on, actually," he said slowly. She nodded, then noticed that his eyes seemed to shimmer for a moment, before he turned away, blinking rapidly.

"What is it?" she asked. Her interest was purely out of curiosity as to what part of his piloting experience would make him react so, but she had no way of knowing that the very fact that she showed interest at all was what had made him nearly break down. He looked back into her face, as if to assure himself of what he had seen there, before turning away and smiling a little.

"It's just that I've only ever seen you look like that when you talk with my father," he murmured. "You seem cheerful when you talk with him. Happy, even." She pondered his words as they walked along in silence for half a minute. When he spoke again, it startled her, for she thought he had finished his thought. "I remember watching the two of you talk after the successful reactivation of Unit-00, and I remember wishing that just once someone would talk that way with me." As they got closer to the school, the number of students walking around them increased. "I guess I was too busy waiting for someone to just walk up and talk to me like that, I never really thought about what would make two people show an interest in each other in the first place," he admitted. "A common interest," he amended. "Two people talk like that with each other because they have a common interest." He fell silent for another half minute. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, if that's what it takes, I'll be interested in Eva for you-"

"Shinji." The word functioned as she had intended, cutting off his self-destructiveness. Though she had little experience in these kinds of matters, she saw exactly what he was doing, since she had done the same thing herself to try to get closer to the Commander. He was willing to change himself, even painfully so, in order to put up a false front that might bring them closer together. It was something she could not allow, and yet one wrong move here might destroy his ego, or at the very least damage the bond they shared. "What interests you?" she asked carefully. His mouth opened and closed once, and he obviously thought for a moment. "-not Eva," she clarified. "If you are willing to lie about such core matters, there is no point in further conversation."

He looked down, kicking a pebble from his path as he walked, his expression having degenerated almost to anger. "To be honest, before I came here, I really didn't have any purpose at all," he muttered. "Piloting is painful, but at least it means something. At least people praise me for it. Other than Eva, I'm no good at anything," he mumbled. "Without Eva, I'd be nothing." The way he phrased it gave her pause.

"Do you truly wish for Eva to be your purpose?"

He looked into her face as if trying to memorize her features.

"I just don't know."

He turned away, and again she felt the pang of regret from earlier in the day. He had already shown an interest in the gymnastics she practiced, and she had turned him away. Perhaps that had been more of a mistake that she had thought

* * *

The two pilots walked into the classroom to a chorus of cheers and clapping. Not prepared for such a show, Rei simply walked over to her desk as if nothing had happened.

"Hey, why didn't ya just tell us you had a drill or somethin'?" Touji said, clapping Shinji on the shoulder. "This guy here was so desperate for battle footage, he practically begged me to help him sneak out!"

"Yeah, I know it's classified and all, but it's kind of obvious since you two are almost never called out in the middle of the day!" Kensuke said excitedly, his camera ready in case Shinji accidentally spoke some state secret.

"You gotta be careful," Touji warned, crossing his arms and striking a pose. "Less honorable people might think you two had snuck off and was behind a building getting it on-ow-OW-OW!" His face contorted as the Class Rep took him by the ear.

"Suzuhara, shame on you!"

Still kind of embarrassed, Shinji smiled and turned to go to his seat, nearly running into Akira.

"...um, congratulations on your successful mission," she said softly, meeting his gaze for a moment.

"How did you guys know about it?" Shinji managed to get his voice back. "I mean, I know Kensuke and the others could have guessed, but-"

"My dad is a Squadron Commander of the fighter wing that was to provide your air cover," she explained, appearing surprised at his interest, and not wanting to ruin the chance to talk. "Since you're back, I assume it went well."

"Ah, yeah, it did." He suddenly looked a little frantic. "-eh, I guess it's not classified that it went well, that is... I hope..."

"-oh! Haha, sorry, putting you in this kind of position...!" she backed away, bowing a little.

"No, it's okay," he replied quickly.

* * *

Rei watched from across the room as Shinji conversed with Akira. After an initial conversation, they had drifted away from each other in the original time-line, but Shinji was being more open this time. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she did not notice the raven-haired girl approach her desk.

"...excuse me, I didn't mean to bother you, but I know you're the top grade in the class." Rei looked at the girl, searching for a name to go with the face. Surprisingly she came up blank. Though she was close with none of them, she thought she knew the names of almost everyone in class.

"Who are you?"

"Oh! I'm Maki. I was just... If it's not too much of a bother, I wondered if you could help me with a few questions I had about our classwork."

Rei considered the request, and what it might entail, glancing back at Shinji who was still chatting with Akira. She seemed to dimly remember a few similar requests in the original time-line, and she remembered rebuffing them, preventing anyone from getting close enough to possibly hurt her. Perhaps allowing this girl to get close would give her insight into what to do with regards to Shinji.

"Alright," she said turning back to Maki, who beamed briefly.

"Thanks so much! Do you mind if I call you Sempai? I know we're in the same grade, but... well, anyway..."

"I don't mind."


	4. Pain Tolerance

Author's Notes: I'll take the unsigned Reigasm as a good thing ;-p

* * *

Chapter 4 – Pain Tolerance

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Early morning sunlight filtered into the apartment, playing over the gentle features of the Third Child still asleep in bed. She considered him for a moment before returning her attention to the solitary plant sitting in one of her soup bowls, along with the swatch of earth it required for life and growth. She did not know its name or genus, but after coming across a whole patch of them in a field, she had felt drawn to it. Perhaps it was the color of the silk-like petals – a delicate white with soft blue trim around the edges. Perhaps it was because of her general fascination with nature and its patterns. For whatever reason, she had carefully transplanted one, and brought it back to her apartment.

She had learned more in the past week and a half than she had the entire month since Third Impact, or even the half-year she had known Shinji in her previous life. During that time she and Shinji had merely seen brief snatches of each other's life, and so had not been forced to adapt to the unique foibles of the other. During the month since Third Impact, she had come to recognize the barrier between them. Barrier, perhaps, was a word that was too loaded with other meanings, but it was the best fit for the phenomenon.

Boundary layer, false front, cushion, each of these words had their positives and negatives. As her interactions with Maki grew more complex, she had come to recognize that it was this barrier between people that allowed them to relate to others and at the same time keep themselves separate and distinct. It was very nearly a kind of AT-field, in a theoretical sense. When two people came together, each put up a front they wished to show to the other, and when the fronts melded as the two individuals got to know each other, the combined barrier allowed a kind of safe interaction. The barrier, in essence, represented the relationship between the two.

It was an ever-changing thing, always growing and evolving, like the myriad plants outside. Like the flower she had brought into her apartment. Her thoughts even two weeks prior were woefully deficient. That she could have hoped to freeze her relationship with Shinji into some kind of cryostasis was almost laughable. She saw that clearly now, and she saw how lucky the two of them had been so far. She might as well have been blind, and it frightened her that in another two weeks she might be saying the same things yet again as she continued to learn.

Beside her, he stirred, mumbling as he slowly came awake. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, finally noticing that she was awake and sitting up, as opposed to still asleep. He blinked dully a few times, then his eyes widened as he saw the flower. It was more of a reaction than the simple surprise she had been expecting.

"That's..." he cleared his throat. "That's a blue iris," he said, almost in awe as he looked closer at the ceramic bowl, barely touching the petals, as if to assure himself of its reality. "Rei, where did you find this?"

"In a field."

* * *

Her eyes turned to meet his, curious perhaps at his sudden interest and knowledge.

"What do you know of this plant?" she asked.

The facts ran through his head. It was one of rarer forms of the blue iris, and it must have been brought over to Japan by a foreigner. In the proper environment they spread readily enough, but who would have brought one over and then abandoned it? He touched the petals gingerly, feeling the subtle dryness he had hoped would not be present. No matter what she did, the flower would be dead within a week, and she had no idea. This particular variety was most definitely not a house-plant. It was meant to be out in a rock garden, if anything.

"The Teacher I lived with before coming to NERV was a gardener," he finally said. "You're extremely lucky to have found something like this, but..." He stopped himself. How could he tell her it would be dead by the end of the week, and that there was nothing she could do? He tore his eyes away from the beautiful flower to see her eyes almost as expressive as they had been during their walk back from NERV after the last Angel attack.

"I was unaware you had such knowledge," she said, returning her gaze to the flower.

"Hah," he looked away to hide the discomfort evident on his face. "It's just like my cello," he admitted. "I know about plants because my Teacher suggested it as a pastime."

And yet it was a common interest between them, a true one, unlike Eva. He was more than aware of the time she spent staring out the classroom window, and now that he was around her so much, he knew how often she went out just to walk around. After a minute of contemplation, she turned back to him, her expression unreadable.

"Train with me, Shinji."

He looked up in surprise. "You-you mean gymnastics?"

"Yes."

"-o-okay, sure, I'd love to." He looked for a moment at her subtly expressive face, trying to divine its secrets, or perhaps puzzle out what had caused her to change her mind. Rei, who could say more with a glance than most people could say in an entire conversation.

_If only I was more fluent in her language._

As the two dressed, a rather familiar knocking issued from the front of the building. Shinji exited the bathroom in time to see Rei open the door to reveal Ritsuko, and beside her, Maya.

"I know we're a bit early," Ritsuko said apologetically. "Hope you don't mind. We could always help out if you need us to..."

"That's alright," Rei said, opening the door wider. "Come in."

* * *

Maya watched Ritsuko watch the two Children prepare breakfast. It was somewhat disconcerting the way almost no words were exchanged, yet they worked perfectly in sync. Rei handed Shinji two more eggs, which he broke into a mixing bowl while she went to the refrigerator for the milk. By the time she got back, he stepped to the side momentarily while she measure in the appropriate amount. He went back to whipping the mixed ingredients while she put away the carton and got out the bread.

"It feels so odd watching them do this," Maya said in an undertone. Ritsuko nodded.

"I've been joining them for a meal periodically, and it never ceases to amaze me how well they work together."

"But, is it healthy?" Maya looked to her sempai, a bit of worry in her usually controlled features.

Ritsuko didn't answer for a moment.

"You're not the first to ask that, but they seem to be doing fine. Their sync scores are astounding. They seem to be having a positive effect on each other from all external appearances." She turned to face her pupil, shrugging as if in exasperation. "Who're we to try to fix something that isn't broken?" The twinkle in her eyes, and how she so easily accepted the situation was a bit unsettling, but Maya didn't want to press the issue.

Shinji brought the food to the table, bringing the covert conversation to a halt. Maya watched, and felt her heartstrings tugged a bit as Rei sat and waited patiently for Shinji to serve her. She noticed that the boy didn't offer to serve either of them, at least not openly. She looked questioningly at Ritsuko, who stared right back, her mouth twitching into a smile.

"I hope you're not waiting for me to feed you," the doctor commented snidely. Maya stuck her tongue out as she reached for the platter.

The two stayed long after the food had been eaten, making what conversation they could with the normally reclusive pilots. At what seemed like a polite time, they left, at which point Rei reminded Shinji of his promise to train with her. He stumbled over himself in his rush to prepare.

* * *

Following Rei's blue hair and white leotarded form through countless escalators and corridors, he was surprised to suddenly walk through a door and into a darkened gymnasium that seemed rather spacious. It was difficult to tell in the dark, but he saw the shadows and outlines of parallel bars, and two lonely rings hanging from the ceiling via long ropes. Stepping back a few paces just to make sure, he looked back out the door and into the twisted snarl of cooling pipes and vents that decorated the various passages in NERV, and then back into the gymnasium.

"Wow, I had no idea something like this was even here," he murmured, following Rei into the darkness. She nearly disappeared into the gloom, then he heard a sharp click, followed by harsh light. He shaded his eyes until they adjusted. Looking around in wonder at the familiar shapes of a pommel horse, several different versions of the parallel bars at varying heights, and miscellaneous spring-boards lying about in one corner, his eyes eventually found Rei on a thin padded blue mat doing stretches. In fact, the girl was sitting neatly on the floor, one leg stretched behind her, the other straight out front.

_The splits,_ he thought numbly. _How the heck is that even..._

His eyes bugged out as she calmly laid herself down over the outstretched leg. Flat.

"Gah!" He partially shielded his eyes with an upraised arm. _How is that physically possible?_

"Shinji."

He honestly did not know how she was able to both breathe and hold her position at the same time.

"...ah, yeah?"

"You may stretch on your own, if you want." She brought her body back upright and leaned back over the leg stretched behind her. Thankfully for his sanity, she did not go down flat. "As soon as I am warmed up, I will assist you."

"-okay," he finally managed to get out. He had come in sweat-pants and a t-shirt, and so he did not have to change. He stepped gingerly over onto the other far corner of the mat and sat down, stretching his legs flat in front of him and attempting to touch his toes. Even with just the two of them it was embarrassing enough, it being the only stretch he knew. He was barely able to touch the top of his feet. After holding for a few seconds, he glanced over at his companion, who was coincidentally doing the same stretch, and had neatly folded herself over on top of her own legs, her hands meeting somewhere past her feet. Against his will, his eyes briefly wandered over her curves, especially the ones outlined by the particular stretch she was oh-so-elegantly perform-

He looked away, cheeks hot as he tried to get his heart-beat back under control. Half a minute later her soft voice startled him.

"Don't bounce."

He looked over in surprise, bracing himself for whatever mind-bending position she was currently abusing. As it turned out, she was merely sitting with her legs flat, her torso and upper body twisted around to one side.

"Huh?"

"Simply stretch and hold it," she explained. "It will be fine for you to do that one stretch for the time being."

"Just the one?" he asked in surprise.

"Yes," she replied, releasing her hold and twisting her body in the other direction. "A stretch should be held for at least sixty seconds to be truly effective. It takes that long for the muscle-tensors to relax sufficiently so that the actual tendons can be effectively stretched."

"Ah."

It was the first time since he had known Rei that he felt included, that he felt he was actually doing something with her. Always before it felt like he was on the outside looking in, as if she were carefully reaching out, perhaps trying to protect them both as she cautiously built up the relationship between them. _Something happened in the past week that changed things._ It was the only answer that made sense, but nothing from the past week stood out in his memory

With a jolt of surprise, he found he could actually grasp his toes in his hands. He realized he had lost count, but it must have been longer than a minute by his estimation. She had been right, he could feel the muscles in his legs relaxing, and found he could stretch further.

"Push only until the pain begins, but no further," she warned him. "It is very easy to injure yourself at this point."

"Right," he grunted. He was intimately familiar with pain, but that didn't mean he was immune to it. At least this pain was something he controlled. Balancing on the razor's edge of where the pain began and ended, his concentration sharpened until the tendons in his legs were the only things in his awareness. He imagined he could feel every millimeter of them as the seconds stretched to minutes.

Some time later he was dimly aware of hands on his shoulders.

"Careful," she warned him. "Do not move suddenly." Slowly the room came back into focus as she gently helped him back until he was lying down. Her hands moved to his legs, massaging his calves, which were nearly numb. She was so businesslike that it was not until he was standing and moving around to regain his sluggish blood circulation that the remembered warmth of her hands made his heart race. He was thankful that she was not looking his way at that moment, and that his sweat-pants were rather baggy. After several minutes she set her light blue towel down and stood from where she had knelt next to her gym bag.

"Sit down here and we will do partner stretches for a few minutes before I show you the basics of gymnastics floor routine movements."

"-okay."

He sat down facing her, spreading his feet apart to match her posture. She placed a foot on the inside of each of his ankles and then reached forward to take his hands.

"Relax," she instructed, leaning back and pulling steadily, stretching his back forward. He was nervous for the first few seconds, but she seemed to read his movements, feeling just how much tension was necessary. He felt her pause just at the point where he was beginning to feel pain, waiting until he relaxed before pulling further. His cheeks went slightly pink as he considered their joined hands, and his eyes flicked up to hers, wondering if she noticed his nervousness, and its reason. Her eyes were closed, which made him feel somewhat guilty.

_She's giving this all her attention, just like Eva._ His eyebrows drew down as he closed his eyes, banishing his mixed feelings. _I can't fail her when she's like this. I have to do my best._ He did not notice the slight upward curving of her lips.

* * *

"-ouch!"

"Hold still," she commanded, as she efficiently wrapped up his left foot. Air hissed through his lips as he tried to follow her instructions. The upside was her experience with bandaging and binding wounds, but the downside was that all her experience was with herself, and her tolerance for pain was rather high. "Don't be embarrassed," she said, noticing his expression. "It is a common injury. I myself suffered it once or twice."

"Once or twice?" She seemed to have perfect recall in most everything else.

"Once," she admitted, averting her eyes.

"-ah." It had just been conversation to ease his mind.

"In your case the sprain is very light, without any external swelling. After binding, you should be able to walk normally." She continued to minister to his foot, causing him to wince.

"Yeah," he gasped. "If I survive the binding...!" She pulled on the bandage, probably just to draw it tight, but he imagined he saw a glint in her normally stoic expression.

"How many more times in this conversation will you cast aspersions on my first aid skills?"

"-n-no! That's not what I meant! It was a joke..." He pulled his foot back just as her fingers slid over the bandages one final time before she looked up.

"All finished." Her eyes laughed at him, but only her eyes.

The two of them packed their gym bags and left the room, returning via elevator to the surface of the Geofront.

"It is nearly time for Unit-00's reactivation."

The carefully manicured forests surrounding them gave a measure of shade against the redirected light from outside. He wondered briefly where they were going, but couldn't work up the courage to ask.

"It's too bad the Angels seem to remember each time we reset," he said, stepping carefully to avoid twisting his still-tender foot. "I guess it's useless now to use the past to try to predict how they'll act."

"The previous two were far weaker than the one we now face," she reminded him. "We beat it nearly by accident the last time. It quite probably will behave the same simply because it does not need to change its tactics to win."

"So you think it'll act the same as it did before?" he asked incredulously.

"Why would it not? It is so powerful it can act with impunity."

He didn't know what to say that wouldn't result in an argument, so he kept quiet. _We've never argued,_ he realized. They conversed. Not much, but then Rei never talked much anyway. Setting down his bag, he leaned back against a tree, stretching out his injured foot as Rei sat behind him on the other side of the tree.

"I've never heard you talk so pessimistically," he said, careful to keep his tone as neutral as possible.

"I am not being pessimistic," she corrected him, "I am being realistic. The Angel waited until the exact moment you pulled the trigger, and then it fired back, causing your shot to miss. Such an action undoubtedly required a high degree of precision and calculation, along with extremely powerful scanning capacity." Her mini-rant quashed the few ideas he had put together.

"So... what do we do, then?"

"We should behave exactly the same as we did before, and thus the Angel should behave much the same as well. I have a high pain tolerance, and should be able to protect you until you destroy it."

"But, last time, you were nearly dead-"

"No." She interrupted him suddenly. "I could have held out a little longer."

"What about when I'm first sent up to face it?" he asked. "I doubt I can talk Misato into altering the battle plan. What would I use as an excuse?"

"Despite the damage Eva will take, perhaps it is best simply to take the pain until you are retrieved."

"Like last time, you mean," he mumbled, trying not to remember. It was about half a minute before she responded.

"Ikari, I have noticed your tendency to run from pain." He looked around the tree, but she did not look at him, and her voice almost sounded cold.

"-um, isn't that normal?"

"It is a natural instinct," she replied slowly. "But you must know when to suppress it."

"Maybe I can dodge, like Misato was screaming at me to do."

She eyed him sidelong. "What about the restraining bolts?"

"What about them?"

She did not answer. He sat for several minutes listening to the wind whisper through the trees. He heard a rustle, which he assume was Rei shifting positions, or maybe getting something from her bag. He did not even notice when he drifted off to sleep, until a soft but insistent chime woke him.

He blinked once or twice, coming to his senses. He looked around the tree, but Rei was gone. His cell-phone continued its quiet serenade, and he fumbled through the gym bag until he found it.

"-hello?" he said hesitantly, slipping the phone up to his ear.

"Shinji where are you?!" Ritsuko's voice shrilled from the speaker, making him wince. "You're late for your extended activation test!"

"S-Sorry...!" He jumped to his feet, gasping in pain at his forgotten foot injury.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, I'm okay..." he carefully bent and retrieved his gym bag, then walked as quickly as he was able towards the pyramid in the distance. "I'll be right there."

The second call came before he even got to NERV proper. The Angel had arrived.

* * *

Tendrils of worry wove their way through his mind, adding flavor to his anxiety. His mother's delicate touch at the back of his mind told him he was synchronized a half second before Maya's tense voice reported that the borderline had been crossed.

_What do I do?_

He was moving inevitably towards a confrontation that he could not win, yet he had no choice but to go along. To someone with no prior knowledge of Ramiel's abilities, the only logical choice was a direct engagement, so of course they were sending him up. They had no way to know what would happen. He felt the phantom touch of his mother's arms on his shoulders as his AT-field unfolded. _Don't worry,_ she seemed to say. _I'll protect you._ But he knew it was no use. Even on full power, his protective field would do little good against the power of Ramiel's particle beam. _Then we'll run._ He felt the increased power-drain as the Eva tensed its muscles.

"...but, what if I can't get free of the restraining bolts in time?" He felt his mother waver momentarily.

"What's that, Shinji?" Ritsuko asked over the comm.

"-oh, uh, nothing..." He wondered idly how much Ritsuko knew of the Eva's secrets.

_Fight, or run. Choose._ Yui withdrew slightly, waiting expectantly for his decision, always ready to step in if he was unable to decide in time. _Fight or run. Fight or run. Fight-_

"Launch Eva!" Misato's yell interrupted his solitude, sending him rocketing towards the surface of Tokyo-3.

_I guess Rei is right,_ he reluctantly decided. It would probably be too much to hope that he could free himself from his restraints, dodge the beam which in all likelihood would be able to track and reacquire him anyway, and then somehow make it to another entry point before the Angel incapacitated him. _Even if I make it, the damage to the city would be bad. The Eva can take it, so I have to..._

The entry-point doors cross-hatched open, and he was bathed in a soft white light. Ramiel was just visible around a weapons building. Light glinted at the edge nearest him, and his resolve melted away, but by then it was too late. Before he could will his legs into movement, someone had shoved a red-hot poker into his chest and was twisting it viciously. He heard screaming in the background, and then the lights went out.

* * *

"_Shinji, you did well, rest now..."_ It had to be a hallucination, because his mother was holding his hand. He was lying in a comfortable place, and everything was going to be alright. _Maybe I'm dead._ There was no pain, which was the first indicator, not even the phantom pain that was still there whenever Eva was heavily injured. Shifting a little, he winced. Okay, so there was a little pain. His eyelids creaked open and his mother's face swam into view. He blinked rapidly, unable to believe his eyes.

"...is-" he coughed weakly, "-is it really you?" The lights were blinding, and he tried to raise an arm, but only succeeded in hitting himself in the face. He heard someone curse distantly.

"-turn down the lights!"

His eyes began to adjust as the brightness dimmed, and then his mother's face morphed into Rei's. Still a bit woozy, his clouded mind didn't even question the strangeness. _It must have always been Rei,_ he decided.

"-sorry, Rei..." he slurred.

"...ehehehe, he called her 'Rei', that's so cute!" Misato's voice was distant, and he pondered whether a fake cardiac arrest would put an end to the woman's incessant teasing.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Rei's close voice drowned out the background annoyances.

"No," he tried to explain, but his tongue seemed too heavy. "I tried to run...!"

"Well, at least you failed," she temporized. She was being nice to him, he realized. She was no longer angry. Concentrating on the warmth of her hands surrounding his, he decided he could die happy.

_Of course, I wouldn't stay dead, so I guess it doesn't matter..._

"What was that?" Misato's voice was full of question. "I didn't catch that, did he say something about dying?"

"Misato, leave the poor boy alone, he's obviously okay," Ritsuko's voice echoed distantly. There was an abrupt scuffling sound, then a plaintive "-alright, I'm going, I'm going...!"

* * *

Shinji awoke to a dark room, and a series of confusing memories. He decided his previous awakening was a hallucination, and placed the back of his hand on his forehead with a sigh. After a few minutes of rest, he pulled himself from bed. _My clothes... _he wracked his brain. _-are still in the locker room,_ he decided, feeling the slick plug-suit still clinging to him like a second skin. Lifting a hand to his hair, he dreaded what he would find. Seconds later he breathed a sight of relief. It was still slightly damp, but from water, not LCL, which meant they had cleaned him. The embarrassment involved in having to be cleaned up by someone else was infinitely preferable to dried LCL in the hair.

He cracked open the door, squinting at the afternoon sunlight streaming through the hallway window. He placed an arm on the door jamb to steady himself. _I... guess they didn't put me in the life-support unit._ If they had, he would have been out of it for a lot longer. Which meant his physical injuries must have been lighter. He absently rubbed a hand across his still-aching chest. _It certainly felt the same as last time,_ he shuddered at the remembered pain of Ramiel's beam lashing at his chest armor. It had not seemed like they had retrieved him any quicker, so it couldn't be that.

"Ah, Shinji, you're up!" Ritsuko's voice carried from down the hall as the staccato of her footsteps found their way to his door. "I'll finish checking you out, and then you're free to go. Just remember to keep your cell-phone with you."

"-alright..."

She did not mention any sort of time-frame for the operation against the Angel, so he assumed it was quite a bit earlier even than he had first thought.

* * *

Shinji once again found himself wandering the forests of the Geofront. Neither Ritsuko or Misato had told him not to go back to above-ground Tokyo-3, but he didn't want to get too far and then receive the expected phone call. He spent about a half-hour walking among the trees, admiring the carefully prepared 'forest look' that had been built into the landscaping. Vines and various plants had been allowed free reign in places, but parts of it looked just too 'perfect,' and gave it away. He was about to return to NERV proper when a flash of movement in the distance caught his eye.

Walking slowly up to a shaded clearing he nearly tripped over a gym bag. _Rei's gym bag,_ he realized. Looking up, he saw her, partially eclipsed by the trees. She was moving slowly, but he could see the light effortlessness of her motions. _A dance? Or maybe gymnastics..._ It almost looked like slow-motion martial arts, but there was something seductive about her movements, as if she were drawing opponents in only to first surprise, then effortlessly subdue them.

He stood entranced as he watched her, all the way until a sharp tone sounded at his feet. He dodged behind a tree, holding his breath as he heard her softly pad over to the bag and retrieve her phone.

"-yes ma'am," he heard her say a moment later, and then there was nothing but silence. After a half-minute he peeked around the tree to find her gone.

_Probably called away by Ritsuko to begin preparations for the mission,_ he decided.

* * *

The pitch blackness of the inside of the entry-point gave way to the softer grays of night as the mountainside blocking Unit-01 slid aside. Shinji stepped forward out into the open, Unit-00 beside him and slightly behind. The multiple layers of their hardened armor alloy stood between them, but he knew that even if they had been touching, the gulf would still be there.

_What am I to her?_

He hated himself for even considering the question, after all she had done to reach out to him, to help him, before during and after Third Impact. But the closer he got to her, the more he saw just how far away she was, how unattainable. "_Without Eva I'm nothing."_ His words to her, and hers to him. Yet while Eva had given him purpose, Eva _was_ her purpose. That strange martial art he has seen her performing, her gymnastics, her single-minded determination, it put him to shame. And still she had reached out to him.

_She's everything, and I'm nothing. What could she possibly see in me?_

As he had been the first time, he was unaware of the small crowd of class 2-A male otakus gathered on the roof of the building overlooking the Eva's projected exit point.

"We're rooting for you-"

"Yeah, kick its butt!"

"Go get'im!"

Whistles, cat-call, and camera lenses tracked the two massive hybrids as they marched slowly towards the rendezvous point up on the mountain. Some ways away from the group of drooling boys stood two notable differences in the forms of Akira and Maki. An errant breeze whipped their school uniform skirts around their legs as they stood side by side, hands on the railing, watching the departing Evas.

* * *

Ramiel hovered in the distance, sullen and menacing as he drilled into the armored pavement towards NERV headquarters.

"Shinji, watch where you're putting things!" Ritsuko snapped as he nearly clipped a temporary communications tower off at its base.

"I'm watching, I'm watching," he murmured, setting down the tractor-trailer-size all-purpose cargo container next to its brethren. As he continued the mechanical steps of setting up camp, he watched Rei as she carefully connected the leads to the particle rifle. It wasn't like he could talk to Ritsuko about what he was going through. Rei was the only one who understood, and the closer he got to her, the more he was reminded just how much much better she was, how little he deserved even being her friend.

"Alright, that should be everything." Misato's voice played out over the external speakers as well as the comm system. "Shinji, Rei, return to the designated-"

Her words were lost amidst a cacophony of alarms and status reports. Shinji glanced over at the Command trailer in surprise. He was about to speak when a soft white light illuminated the general area.

"Misato, what's wrong-" A deadly purple thread of energy swept across the camp, punctuating the landing zone with a geyser of white energy that rose into the air. A mostly-intact VTOL tumbled through the air, probably, Shinji thought, because its landing pad had just been vaporized. The shuttle shield was in his hands, and red numbers were counting down. Playing back his recent memory, he realized he had leaped over the molten Command trailers and grabbed the shield just as Ramiel's angry lance of energy had bisected the area he and his power cable had been occupying. Rei crouched behind him, her communications box blinking into existence on his display.

"We cannot escape before the shield loses integrity, but if we stay here, we risk being disabled." Her meaning was crystal clear to him, his mind running on the razor's edge of clarity. If they were killed, they would reset, but what if they were disabled? What would happen if the Angel contacted Lilith? Did it even know that it was Lilith down there and not Adam? His mind was still racing through possibilities when Ramiel's particle beam ripped through the ground beneath their feet. He stumbled, exposing an arm which was chopped off moments later. The shield wavered as he gasped in pain, and that was when the Angel took off Rei's head, or rather her Unit's head. He watched in horror as the Eva toppled over, her ejecting plug sputtering through the air to embed itself into the ground.

"No! Rei...!" A burning needle stitched its way across his midsection as he slumped to the ground, and he watched numbly as the Angel methodically took apart the camp. Nothing escaped its touch, not even Rei's entry plug, which boiled away in a moment of high-energy bombardment. He was lying in his mother's arms in a sea of molten metal laced with red. He could feel her trying to comfort him even as she was dying.

If only he couldn't see, but the ever-present white light made sure all was visible. His failure. There was no way to beat something like this, anyone could see that. Rei would give up on him, that much was certain. They both would make what life they could, trapped between the beginning and this monstrosity. Or maybe they could live in that desolate post-war reality, just as soon as he found a way to kill himself. The white light niggled away at his will, playing over the death and destruction outside.

_Two minutes, thirty eight seconds._ That was how long he would be forced to look upon his failure. He had heard that drowning was painless, even rather comfortable. He didn't believe one word of it, of course, but it didn't matter. Whether death found him out there, or in here, it was all the same. _The white light must be a precursor to its weapon, _he thought idly. But it had stopped firing over half a minute ago. Something tickled away at the back of his mind, and he tried to ignore it.

"_Scheisse! Idiot! How much longer are you going to lay there?!"_

_Shut up, Asuka,_ he thought with a tired sigh.

"_Dummkopf! I know you're slow, but this is ridiculous...! LOOK!"_ He could practically feel both of her hands on the sides of his head, forcing him to turn back to face the destruction.

"I know, Asuka, I know." Stubborn tears leaked into the LCL. "I'm a failure. It's my fault. I won't try to run from my mistakes any more, okay? Will that make you happy?"

"_Guhhh!"_ She dropped his head back against the head-rest, disgust obvious in her voice. _"That's _my_ failure out there,"_ she whispered quietly. _"You just had to make me say it, didn't you? Or maybe that's what you wanted all along."_ The pain in her ephemeral voice hurt nearly as much as his missing arm, or the gash burned through his chest that had partially severed his Eva's spine.

"Asuka, what are you-" The words died when he realized he was talking to himself. She was gone, or maybe she had never been there. The white light continued to play over the solidifying pools of steel outside. _"My failure," _she had said. _No, this is my failure,_ he argued. Asuka had only failed against the Angel in orbit, and the one that had nearly destroyed NERV itself, after taking her Eva's head off. _And the twin Angel,_ his demon reminded him. "No," he said firmly. "We beat that one later, so it doesn't-" Suddenly it clicked in his mind. The orbital Angel. _Her failure. _"It can't be..." But the white light, it all made sense.

Closing his eyes, he concentrated, and after a few moments he could feel the intrusion. He had gotten too used to mental intrusions after going through Third Impact every time he died, so much so that he had not noticed. His brow furrowed, and the timer continued counting down as he drew more heavily on the Eva's battery. When he opened his eyes, he _looked,_ this time at reality, or what he supposed was reality. Except for a few overturned cargo containers, everything was intact. Technicians were sprawled out on the ground, and his stomach turned when he recognized the shape of what had to be legs sticking out from under one of the overturned containers. _I'm okay,_ he realized, as the pain of his phantom wounds vanished. _But what about..._

"Rei..." Her Eva was whole and undamaged, but it was collapsed over the particle rifle, which had bent nearly in two under its weight. Her plug was stuck into the earth some distance away. Enlarging the image with a thought, he saw her small twisted form in a heap below the open plug, and his heart went to his throat. Pushing himself to his feet, he was next to her plug in two strides. The Angel ignored him. Glancing furtively to where it was still drilling, he crouched his Eva, ejected the plug, and put it in stand-by to stop the battery-drain.

He jumped down, mindful of his still-sore foot, and scrambled to where she lay. Falling to his knees in the grass, he cradled her head in his lap. She whimpered at his touch, then coughed, her entire body shaking. Putting a hand to her throat, he found that her pulse was weak and racing. He looked back up to Ramiel in the distance, still drilling down. Nothing made sense. The Angel had apparently switched completely to using Arael's attack, and was invading the minds of everyone in the camp. Was it just trying to stall things long enough to make it to Terminal Dogma? It could kill him at any time, but then again, maybe it knew that would only restart things.

"You were right." She was almost whispering, and blood flecked her pale lips. She had reached up to take hold of his hand, which was still resting on her throat.

"...ssh, try not to talk so much," he said, eyes wide as he reassessed her condition. She smiled weakly.

"You are the only one," she coughed once, blood dripping from the side of her mouth. "-who would ever have occasion to tell me that..."

A chuckle escaped his lips. Nothing appeared broken, but she had to be bleeding internally, probably from the lungs. Every time she breathed he could hear the rattle of fluid.

"You were right," she reiterated. "We could not have predicted this."

"That doesn't matter right now," he murmured. As he looked around, he could feel Ramiel trying to push its way back into his mind. Reality wavered between the mostly-intact camp and the molten pools of cooling metal. _The drill is probably real,_ he decided. He could walk his Eva down to the Angel and force it to kill him. It was the most direct way, other than going into the Command trailer and purloining someone's gun. But if the Angel was controlling everyone in camp, human contact was probably even more dangerous.

"I'm sorry," her body shook with a cough. "Section Two is unavailable."

"That's... that's okay," he tried to suppress a smile. She was always funnier when she wasn't trying to be, and he knew she hated it. "I'll find another way."

* * *

With a supreme effort she forced her eyes open. He was about to leave, she knew that. He had to find some way to kill himself. She knew instinctively she might die before him, for she felt the seriousness of her injuries. Already she was getting light-headed. She was accustomed to disregarding her own desires, but their current circumstances were so jarringly different that she actually felt the beginnings of panic. It was completely illogical. Her very nature meant she had another clone awaiting her consciousness if she died here, and beyond that, if Shinji died she would doubtless wake up back at the beginning. It did not matter if Shinji left her side temporarily.

Then again, maybe that was the difference. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more. She no longer had to hold herself to the rigorous standards Gendo had set for her. She no longer had to worry about her bonds to the rest of the world, since she had a subjective eternity to get things right. She only had to worry about Shinji, and herself. _What do I want? _He moved to get up, and she gripped his hand, realizing the truth. She did not want to die alone.

"Don't leave me." She saw him look down at her, then back at the Angel. "Please..."

She felt him hesitate, then shift slightly, placing an arm under her knees. She closed her eyes and put her arms around his neck to free one of his arms so that he could climb back into his Eva.

* * *

She sat, arms around her legs, watching the rolling surf a few yards away. The waves were a reddish color, illuminated in the bright moonlight. _Red_, she thought with an inner sigh. _Why does it always have to be red?_ The question was highly irrational, but then again, so was her hatred of the color itself. Her companion shifted uneasily beside her. The two of them always returned to this strange place following death. This time they both wore their plug suits, even though the first time they had appeared here after Third Impact he and she had been in school uniforms. It only served to remind her of how unstable their reality was from one reset to the next.

"How did you break free of the Angel's influence?"

"I don't know," he responded. "Asuka, I think. Her battle," he added hurriedly. For some reason, mentioning her to Rei made him uncomfortable. "I remember her screaming when the Angel invaded her mind, and Ritsuko kept mentioning a white light." A minute's silence stretched out. "Probably the only reason I broke out was because the Angel had to focus on so many people."

"-mm."

She had grown used to making such idle noises in her conversations with Shinji, though she was not yet completely clear on their purpose. For him it seemed to be an acknowledgment that one was still paying attention, or perhaps something less than agreement, but not quite disagreement.

"What do we do now?"

She contemplated his question, and the red waves. How long until the blood diffused out to sea and the oceans returned to normal?

"We should not stay here," she stated with some finality. She could feel the question even though he did not ask. Would not. Ever since their near-argument earlier, he had avoided conflict of any kind. "This place is an unknown," she explained. "Your thoughts control things to some extent. It is too dangerous." A half minute passed.

"Will the other Angels be able to invade minds, do you think?"

It was so shocking that he would ask her to speculate on future Angelic behavior, especially after what they had just gone through, that her normally placid expression slipped, giving way to the hurt beneath the surface. _You would ask such a thing after our disagreement on this very subject? After I got us both killed with my previous guesses and suggestions?_ Not knowing how to respond, she lapsed into silence.

"...Rei?"

"We should go back now," she said, cutting him off and hopefully curtailing further painful conversation. She could feel his gaze on her for a few moments before he finally turned away.

* * *

He closed his eyes, shutting out the night, the red sea, and the harsh moon overhead. _Maybe she's thinking about how she'll have to go through another month of bed-rest with all those injuries when we return to the beginning. Maybe that's why she's mad._ It still hurt to be on the receiving end of her coldness. He concentrated, bringing to mind the image of her wavering form standing in the middle of the street looking at him with those empty eyes. It seemed to be the key to going back, or at least it had been in the past. No matter how hard he tried though, he could no longer clearly imagine her that way. All he could think about was seeing her nymph-like dance in the forest as she effortlessly subdued her imaginary opponents, turning their attacks in on themselves.

He felt the world shift around him, and when he opened his eyes, he was there, watching her glide. And stumble. She fell to the ground and immediately went into a roll, coming smoothly to her knees as she regained control of her momentum. She paused there momentarily, obviously deep in thought. Her phone rang, in the bag at his feet, and this time he was too stunned to dodge behind the tree. She padded up to where he stood, calmly bent and retrieved the cell-phone from her bag, putting it to her ear.

"Yes, I understand."

She dropped the phone back into the bag, which she lifted as she stood smoothly. She walked past him without a word. She had already been angry with him for some reason, and her catching him like this probably did not help, he decided. But he could not go after her. If he caught up to her, what would he say?

The long walk back to NERV gave him more than enough time to consider just how things had changed. Or rather, how his knowledge of things had changed. _We can go back in time. Probably to any point, as long as I've got a mental image of it,_ he decided. _I guess that rules out going forward, since I don't know the future._ His first instinct was to talk to Rei about it, then he remembered that she probably wasn't really on speaking terms with him for the moment.

_I've got to apologize to her, but how?_ It had always been so easy to apologize to Asuka, and to anyone else, but somehow Rei was different. She didn't get hot-and-bothered like Asuka, and fly into a rage. Apologies always infuriated the red-head, but in the end she always settled down, eventually. Rei, however, simply got cold and refused to talk. Saying 'sorry' was like talking to a brick wall.

* * *

For Shinji, the tension in the temporary camp was almost physical. Ritsuko did not have to scold him about being inattentive, and every moment he expected to feel the mental intrusion of the Angel down in the city below, or perhaps feel the real pain of its particle beam. _Actually I don't know for sure if it can quickly switch between the two attacks. Now that I think about it, every attack so far has been mental, even that first one. Which is probably why they didn't have to put me in the critical care unit._ He continued to help with the setup, noting with dark amusement that Rei never strayed far from where she had laid the shield.

By the time everything was set up, night had fallen, and still the Angel had not attacked. He and Rei sat on the scaffolding next to their Evas, staring at the Angel in the distance as it continued boring its way into the ground.

"Where should we go if we die this time?" He wondered aloud. She did not answer, and he decided she had not heard him. Half a minute later she spoke.

"To a week ago."

"Oh?" he responded carefully.

"Your training will continue until we beat this Angel."

"Ah..." He was relieved she still remained willing to train with him. "You..." He tried and failed to think of a good way to ask. "You were doing something, back in the forest." She did not dispute his rather broad statement, and his cheeks reddened. "When I woke up earlier this morning, you asked me to train with you," he said, mustering up his courage. He was met by more cold silence. "...eh, you didn't put any constraints on that invitation." She might as well have been a statue, but somehow he pressed on. "Rei, will you train me in whatever it was you were-"

"...yes."

He glanced over to see her lips curved slightly in a smile. _She was enjoying that._ He shivered at the purely evil aura that seemed to radiate from her for just a brief moment. At least it allowed him to file her with the substantial portion of humanity that liked their revenge served cold.

"It's time." She stood and turned towards her Eva.

_Very cold,_ he decided, uttering a pained grunt as he stood. _Should've gone back to before I sprained my foot this morning,_ he thought with a sigh. He pondered briefly whether asking her to have Section Two kill him would improve her mood

* * *

Sitting in the entry plug, staring at the Angel in the distance calmly boring its way ever downwards, Shinji knew he would be sweating up a storm were it not for the LCL, invisible though it was now that it had been charged.

"Commencing operation!" Lieutenant Hyuga's voice was tense and professional.

"Listen Shinji, we're entrusting you with the energy of the entire nation of Japan! I'm counting on you..."

_Yeah, yeah, hurry up and send the power already..._ He fidgeted as she continued her spiel and the technicians slowly plodded their way through the necessary status reports. He watched and waited, his finger on the trigger as the connections continued. _Alright, almost, almost..._ He saw something glint off one of the Angel's diamond edges and nearly had an embolism before he realized it must have been a reflection. _Or something. What makes the bottom glow like that?_ He was still wondering, when the lock tone sounded and he reflexively jerked the trigger. A dazzling burst of light shot downrange, going in one side of the Angel and out the other, setting it afire.

"Huh..." He relaxed muscle by muscle as the cheers washed over him and through the entry plug. _Is it really over? Did I really beat it this easily?_ He wondered briefly whether the Angel was in his mind, convincing him he had won so it could continue drilling down. _Ha._ He grimaced at the useless thought._ It's not like I could ever know for sure, if it really comes down to that, and I have to question everything._ He leaned his head back against the headrest, considering how the Angel's death changed things._ Rei. _Was she still mad? _I have to do something, but what? What should I do, mother?_ As usual, his mother remained silent, except for a hint of amusement mixed with the usual feeling of sadness/encouragement he felt from her after a successful battle. _But what about Rei? _He flailed his tired brain, trying to remember her schedule. It would undoubtedly remain the same since they had finally defeated the Angel in much the same way they had originally. _That's right, she does have NERV work tonight, and I'm off. Perfect._

* * *

Later that night he pulled open the apartment door to find Rei loading the washing machine. She dropped the pair of shorts she had been holding. His shorts, he realized. Her cheeks had gone pink. _Crap._

"What's this, Shinji?" She had drifted over to where he was standing, and her aura had gone dangerous again.

"It's a caryopteris," he said, reading his doom in the glint in her eye as she bent over to sniff the small bluish-purple flowers on the plant he was holding.

"Why did you acquire it?" she asked, looking up at him expectantly.

"To give to you." He sweated furiously as she verbally backed him into a corner and calmly prepared to finish him off. He did not know if she played chess, but he resolved never to play with her if she did.

"For what purpose?"

"-um..." He still could not tell her about her plant's imminent death. That much was obvious. He could not tell her this was the replacement. "You know, I've never properly thanked you for letting me stay here, and-"

"Are you sure that is the reason?" Her eyes were apparently magnetized, because he found himself unable to look away. After a few seconds of psychic torture, he folded like a wet paper sack.

"Alright! Maybe I'm not completely sure why I got it," he blurted out. "I saw your iris, and I guess... um, what I mean to say is-"

Her eyes narrowed as she measured the his words and actions, but she finally relented.

"When you discover why you got me the flower, please be sure to let me know." Her hands brushed against his as she slipped the flower pot from his grasp and turned to walk away.

"-ah... yeah..." Then it dawned on him what she meant, and what flowers usually represented when given as a present to a girl.

_Rei, I like you._ Was it true? He was certainly enjoying her company more than living alone. She didn't tease him like Misato, and she wasn't as turbulent as Asuka. _Rei, I've always liked you._ Probably closer to the truth, but it made him queasy inside to even think about telling her that. He closed his eyes, putting a hand on the cold metal of the washer, steadying himself physically and mentally.

_I like her._ The image of her sleeping at night rose in his mind, her expression soft, her hair moving gently with the air-conditioning. _I like her,_ he repeated, as if to convince himself of the fact, but this time the image that invaded his consciousness was of her giant white form billowing up through the clouds, reaching for him. Reaching into his mind. Always reaching. He drew a shuddering breath, forcing his hand to unclench itself.

It didn't matter. No matter how many times he said it in his mind, the words never made it out of his mouth.

"_...please be sure to let me know."_

Did that mean she already knew?

_Maybe I don't have to tell her, then._

Coward, his demon taunted.

_Yes, I'm a coward. But at least I can admit that to myself._ His demon apparently had no reply for that.

"I have not finished loading the wash," Rei's voice drifted back to where he stood. "And I still require a shower."

"Yeah, I'll finish loading it for you," he called out, relieving her of the need to actually come out and ask.. He stepped over to the washing machine, and that was when he saw what part she had left for him to load.

_Never again. I swear I'll never get her mad again..._


	5. A Month in a Day

Chapter 5 – A month in a day

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

A small red-clad form sat shivering in the darkened entry plug, nearly fetal as she hugged her legs to her chest.

"This piece of junk won't move," she murmured, her voice very near to a strangled whisper. There was no one to hear, but this did not seem to matter. Or maybe everyone heard, and that was the problem. She, Asuka Langley Soryu, was no longer an Eva pilot. An Eva pilot, by definition, had to be able to pilot an Eva, and she obviously could not. Not any more.

"_If your heart is closed, Eva will not move."_ Rei's calm voice whispered through her mind.

"Scheisse!" Her hand smashed down on the pistol-grip controller to her right, which flexed under the assault. _Why do I have to hear that from you of all people?_ She had trained in the Eva ever since she was a child, and knew everything there was to know about them. She knew better than anyone the kind of mental clarity needed to pilot to the best of one's abilities. _It's that Idiot's fault._ He was always there, showing her up. He acted embarrassed on the outside, but she had seen his smug grin whenever he was praised. He lived for praise, and would crush anyone who stood between him and a simple 'good doggie.' He knew how important concentration was, and a clear state of mind, and he was always there, ruining hers. Stomping her into the ground. After assuring himself that the First wasn't a threat, he had been able to focus all his attention on her.

_It's not fair!_ She squeezed her arms tighter around her legs, closing her eyes and shutting away the outside world. _No one ever thinks about me. No one ever protects me. I hate all of them!_

A stubborn memory rose in her mind, of her dying Unit drifting deeper into the volcano. A sudden abrupt stop. She remembered looking up to find Unit-01's grinning visage, the end of the frayed cable in its fist as it held her, keeping her from falling. In the comm box on her display, Shinji's face wore a confident smile, and the care in his eyes was obvious.

_Why couldn't he have stayed like that? Why didn't he keep protecting me? Why didn't he stay by me?_ Wetness gathered in her eyes and she brutally forced the sorrow back down.

"_Did you ask him?"_ Rei's quiet voice moved through her mind like a scalpel.

"I shouldn't have had to! The guy's a freaking carebear!"

"_Why did you not ask?"_

"Why should I have had to??" Her voice was one of barely restrained desperation. "I don't want anything from that scheissekoph! I don't need anything from him! I hate him!"

"_Because you hate yourself."_

"I was right there," her voice fell to a whisper. "Why didn't he look at me? He never once looked me full in the eyes. Whenever he faced me, I always saw all the other people he worried about leering at me."

"_Why did you not ask?"_

"Because it would have made me look weak. Why couldn't he have seen that? He's the man, he should've-"

"_You should have asked."_ The words played over her, but she was no longer listening. She was rocking back and forth, muttering.

"Weak. I'm weak, and I hate myself. Everyone else is weak too," she murmured slowly, as if just realizing it. "And I hate them for it. Everyone should just die. I should just die..."

"_Then what is your heart for?"_

"He's never going to understand me, so there's no point in even existing."

"_Then why are you still here?"_

"Why am I..." She looked up slowly, the sorrow on her face giving way to thoughtfulness. "Why are _you_ here?" she asked quietly. "It's like you're trying to help me with something, or-"

"_While there is life, there is hope."_

"Why are you the only one who is still by me?"

"_While there is will, there is a way of return."_

"You're not even a person, are you?" Rei seemed to be ignoring her, and she didn't expect an answer.

"_No, I am not."_ Asuka's eyes widened. _"But you are. And he is."_

"How is it," Asuka began, trying to keep her voice from breaking as Rei drifted closer. "That the only one still by me isn't even human?"

"_Does it matter what I am?"_ She reached out her arms, offering. Asuka fell forward into her embrace, clinging to her as she desperately suppressed her tears.

"Why?" She sniffled. "Why couldn't I have told him?"

Rei slowly enfolded the girl in a hug, closing her eyes, her lips turning up slightly as the girl began to liquefy, her body losing cohesion in the LCL.

* * *

The silence of the dark room was split by an explosive gasp as Asuka sprang up, her hand over her chest as she got her breathing under control. Sweat dripped down through her soaked nightgown and sheets, but she did not feel it. She reached over a shaking hand and turned on the lamp by her bedside, then reached over for the electronic clock, fumbling as it clattered to the floor.

"Scheisse...!" scrambling out of the sweat-slick covers she fell to the floor in her haste to get to the life-line that had slipped from her grasp. Picking it up in shaking hands, she read it once, then reread it again, and again. After assuring herself that it actually said what it said, she rose unsteadily to her feet, staggering to the door. Hesitant steps took her down the hall, until a slow walk became a jog, then a run. She did not hear the voices of two technicians just getting off the night-shift, discussing the mundane details of life at the German branch of NERV. One of them happened to see the blur of red coming down the hall and dodged to one side. The other froze, and then was knocked to one side by the sudden impact, hitting his head against the wall. Asuka didn't even slow, and the technician mumbled incoherently before slumping to the floor unconscious.

She slammed through the final set of double doors keeping her from her destination and ran across the cavernous bay, slowing to a halt at a railing that overlooked a yawning man-made chasm full of purple fluid. She sank to her knees, breathing hard as she gazed at the crimson giant before her, assuring herself of its solidity, its reality. Her Unit was whole, not torn to pieces, lying in a pool of its own blood.

_Every night, that same damn dream._ She closed her eyes, bringing to mind the clock face back in her room. At least it was still the proper day and time. She could never be sure, not after what she had been through, and the way things kept jumping around. Even if it never happened again, she would always keep a clock within arms reach. Always. Standing, she retraced her footsteps, again dropping into a run, desperate to return to her life-line. It wouldn't help, of course, if things changed again, but at least she would know.

* * *

Japan

The horizon was a brilliant orange, promising a beautiful sunrise in the near future. The apartment was semi-dark, but she could see all too clearly the brown crinkly death that was overtaking her iris. One corner of the flower still bore a touch of blue, but it would soon be gone. The previous night all had seemed normal, though she had been uneasy at the stiffness she felt when she touched the petals, but when she had risen in the early morning to relieve her bladder, the sight of the now-visibly dying plant had brought her return to bed to an abrupt halt. She had not gone back to sleep, instead she had slowly sunk down to sit on the bed and stare at the nearly-dead flower, and its mate that Shinji had acquired for her.

_Why the difference? I gave them both the same amount of care._ One was thriving, the other was not. Her eyes drifted over to the packets of medicine on the rolling medical table she used for a bedside table. The flowers gave an uncomfortable parallel to her and Shinji. Like her iris, she was slowly dying. Ritsuko's prescriptions and medical skills were what had kept her alive just long enough to accomplish Third Impact. She considered Shinji's resting form, the slow intake and release of breath, the rise and fall of his chest. When he was asleep, he almost looked happy.

_He knew of this,_ she realized. _Probably the day I showed him the flower._ She had noted his hesitance, but at the time could not find the reason behind it. _He knew, which is why he gave me the caryopteris._ Finally understanding the truth only deepened her sense of melancholy. _He did not give the flower to me as part of the usual ritualistic gift-giving between boyfriend and girlfriend. Why did he not explain this?_ She knew the answer to that, having seen it during their last Angel fight. Faced with pain, and having a way out, he had done his best to retreat. Here he had been more successful than during the battle with the Angel. He had chosen to avoid the pain of having to tell her. She tried to summon anger, both at his lack of courage and for unconsciously toying with her feelings, but found she could not. _I have hidden things from him as well. Eventually he must find out about my medical condition, and it should not be in the same way I have found out about the dying flower._ Despite that, she saw with perfect clarity the awful choice before her, and the similarities to his own problem forced her to drop the last vestiges of disappointment she felt against him.

_I must tell him, but I cannot,_ she realized sorrowfully. _To tell him would be to remind him of what I am. I would risk further alienation. I can only hope that, as I now understand his reasoning, he eventually understands mine._ She reached over, running a hand through his dark hair, enjoying the soft sensation against her fingers. He stirred, mumbling incoherently for a moment before sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"It's time," she said simply, and his yawn abruptly died.

"-oh. Today's the day, isn't it?" A renewed vigor entered his still-tired eyes. He reached up to smooth the hair she had ruffled, grinning until he noticed her guarded expression as she stared towards the window. "What... um, is something wrong?"

She glanced back at him, smiling softly. "Thank you."

"For what...?" Then he happened to see where she had been looking, and his face fell. "-oh."

"Thank you for thinking of me, in your own way."

"I..." he lowered his eyes, both uncomfortable and at the same time relieved now that the truth was in the open. There was a lesson there, but he had a hard time placing it. "-um, I didn't know how to tell you."

"I understand."

"You... you do?"

_More than you know._

He looked up to her face, obviously having expected her usual wit, subtle but sharp, as punishment for his lack of courage. His relief was such that he missed the undercurrent of sadness in her expression.

"-ah, we can do this some other time, if you don't feel up to it..."

"Today is the optimal day," she reminded him. "School is out."

He nodded, slipping out of bed and grabbing a pair of sweat-pants and a t-shirt. Rei already wore a pair of light-blue loose-fitting pants and a matching colored t-shirt. She drifted over to the mirror hanging on the wall, running a brush through her still-unruly hair as he went to the bathroom to change.

Half an hour and a quiet train-ride later, they were walking through the forests of the Geofront. The early morning sun played through the trees, illuminating the spot she chose.

"This place will be acceptable," she said, looking around. Shinji set down their shared gym-bag which held packed lunches for the both of them, along with changes of clothes, and towels. She watched with interest as he walked around her in a semicircle, finally coming to a stop and just looking, as if memorizing her features. She looked behind her at where the sun shone down through the trees, and then back at Shinji. She felt her cheeks burn at the attention he was giving her.

"If we're going to come back to this place in time, I have to have a clear memory," he explained.

"Ah." The moment stretched itself out until he finally cleared his throat nervously.

"So... I'm in your hands. Sensei..."

"I would prefer to be seen as a partner rather than a teacher."

"Oh. Umm..." She watched as he blushed furiously, probably at the multiple meanings her statement could have had.

"Try to relax," she said, hiding a smile at his distress. "No one will disturb us, and if they did, they would lose their memory at the next reset."

"Sorry," the reflexive apology rolled off his tongue as he scratched the back of his head, his eyes wandering about before finally coming back to rest on hers. "I guess I'm ready when you are."

* * *

Germany

What used to be Peenemunde was now effectively a massive armored bulkhead the size of a city. Underneath this were the facilities of the German branch of NERV. That the Japanese would build something so extravagant as a transforming city basically cemented their reputation as a nation of otakus to the rest of the world, or at least what was left of it following Second Impact. The Germans were not nearly so flashy a people, and had opted to build all their facilities underground beneath permanent armor. Except for periodic access tunnels to the surface and four entry point large enough to accommodate an Eva, the armor was solid. Beneath this armor many levels down, two individuals walked along one of the many corridors. Given that the young lady had felt quite close to the gentleman in another life-time, one might have expected her to take advantage of the situation with him this time around, but one would be wrong.

"So, you've got everything packed, right?" Kaji's jovial voice rang through the unfurnished spartan corridor.

"Of course I've got everything packed." Asuka's voice was almost sullen, her expression hard. "What do you think I've been doing the past few days?" _Besides slowly losing my sanity._ It had been nearly a week since her last activation test with Unit-02, and there would not be another until she got to Japan. And Shinji. _I'll kill him. _"At least once," she muttered.

"Hey, no need to get snippy," he raised his hands in surrender, chuckling at her unusual moodiness. She ignored him, considering the past month. It had been nearly two weeks since the last time shift, but there was no reason to think they'd stop when she got to Japan. With any luck she'd be able to kill quite a few people she had come to blame for her present circumstances. _Including that bastard Gendo._

"Well, I'm afraid this is where we part ways." He had put his hands in his pockets and was giving her his damnably cool "I'll miss you" look. She knew that one rather well, and knew his mannerisms inside and out by now. Whenever she acted cold, he would become warm and try to get closer, and whenever she acted warm to him, he would withdraw and become aloof. It was enough to make her scream, though she figured it was part of his appeal, at least to women who didn't know him.

"Yeah, whatever," she said airily, waving her hand nonchalantly as she turned towards the door at the end of the short corridor. _Good riddance, you Misato-loving freak._ She had to suppress the words, though she wondered briefly what his response would be if she actually said it. _It doesn't matter._ She set her mouth. The only thing that mattered was the upcoming harmonics test. It wasn't as good as a full activation, but it would have to do until she got to Japan. The harmonics test, and her upcoming battle out at sea, those were the only two things that mattered. She reached for the handle, opening the door with a click as she entered the German equivalent of Central Dogma.

"Herr Poul, I had a question-" The door stopped abruptly and she slammed into it, stumbling back a few paces before catching herself, her arms half-raised in a defensive posture as she blinked away stars. A muttered oath came from the other room as the door slowly swung open to show a young technician of about twenty-five years old clutching his nose.

"-jeez, watch where you're going why don't you...!" She rubbed her forehead in frustration as the man's eyes widened.

"I-I'm sorry, Ms. Soryu, I didn't mean to-"

"Never mind." She pushed past him, trying to ignore how Shinji-like the apology sounded. "I've got a few things I need to talk to you about concerning Unit-02."

"Of course!" The man grabbed a clipboard and followed her.

* * *

Japan

Shinji sat beside Rei, his legs folded underneath him, matching her posture. The view from the area of the forest she had chosen could almost make one believe one was not enclosed in a giant egg. The massive NERV pyramid was hidden by several low hills in the distance, yet they were far enough from the edges of the Geofront itself that the camouflage and sky effect was still intact, making it seem as if they were in a secluded woods in some rural part of the world.

"Since most of the exercises and forms we will be doing contain an energetic component, it is my hope that what you learn will be carried over each time we reset." Something about the way Rei spoke reminded Shinji of when she had rebuffed him earlier in the month.

"That doesn't sound like what you said earlier," he suggested uneasily. "I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything," he hastily added. She glanced at him for a moment before facing forward again.

"I apologize. What I said then was true, but deceptive all the same. You will recall that I said that practicing gymnastics would prove fruitless over the resets, since the flexibility and strength gained throughout a day of working out would be lost the next time you reset back to the beginning."

He nodded slowly. "I see. So physical training would be wasted. But isn't martial arts physical? What did you mean by 'energetic component'?"

"I mean the essence of life. Chi is one word used to describe it."

Shinji was quiet as he digested that. He had read a few articles about internal martial arts, but not in any kind of detail.

"Is... does that have anything to do with the AT-field?"

"I do not think so," she answered slowly, glancing at him again. "It is a good question."

He had more questions, but did not want to ask them, or to be more precise, he feared the answers he might get. After a few moments of silence, he felt the subtle shift in mood as she began to teach.

"We will begin with breathing exercises," she said. "We will start each day with the exercises I am about to show you."

As she taught him postures and movements, it very quickly became overwhelming. Each movement had to be done either on an inhalation or exhalation, and there were specific visualizations and feelings for each motion. At first he worried that he would never be able to remember them all, or keep them synchronized, but she was always there, correcting him if he made a mistake. She seemed to be almost precognitive in reminding him about a certain visualization, or to give more emphasis to a certain feeling. By the end of the day, when they both sat again in the same spot in which they had begun they day, his body felt more alive and open than it had ever felt before.

"Where did you learn all this?" he asked, still in awe of what he had experienced that day, and knowing, somehow, that things had only just begun, that he had only scratched the surface of what she knew.

"My Master taught me," she replied simply.

"Your... Master?" He saw her eyebrow twitch slightly at his vague echo of her words. He knew she disliked when he did that, but he was too stunned to formulate a more detailed question.

"The Commander led me to a room one day, and in it was a man," she explained, having mercy. "Quite old, and short. He was about as tall as I am now. From that day on, for the next five years, he taught me."

"-um, I see. What... what was his name?"

"It was unimportant, so I did not inquire."

"Ah." After a few confused moments, he continued. "What's this art called?"

"I never asked."

He did not quite know what to make of that. _I guess she really didn't ask all that many questions when it came to my father's instructions._

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"Now we meditate," she answered, closing her eyes. "Sit comfortably, but with your spine straight. Contemplate what we did today. One hour will be sufficient."

The myriad movements and feelings swirled through his head, sometimes jumbling together, and he wondered if he would even remember any of it by the next day. _Well, the next 'day' starts in an hour, so I guess that's better than sleeping and forgetting._ Sooner than he expected, he heard the rustle of movement that indicated she was pulling her cell-phone from their gym bag. He opened his eyes to see her put the phone to her ear and summon a Section Two agent. Being inside the Geofront meant there was not a permanent escort, since NERV headquarters was considered secure. Shinji had plenty of time to ponder his imminent demise.

* * *

Germany

The cavernous Eva bay was mostly dark, but there was enough light for Asuka to see the readout of her clock, which she held in her hands as she sat with her back against a wall, staring at her Eva. _Still almost an hour until the harmonics test._ She took comfort from the familiar constriction of her plug-suit, putting the clock down with a sigh. Her plug-suit had a built-in chronometer, but her visceral, somewhat illogical need for something to grasp was unsatisfied with that. She glanced up into Unit-02's sullen eyes.

"Only you," she murmured softly. "You were the only one who always stood by me, who always protected me." A chuckle rasped its way past her lips. "You know, I always hated you. For leaving me, and killing yourself. For never looking at me. But..." She cleared her throat of the lump that had formed. "You're the only one who's with me now, so I guess it all worked out."

Every time she was shifted back into the past, the people around her seemed to forget. The only one who she knew always remembered was her mother. She had been through multiple activation tests between time-shifts, and each time her mother's presence felt different. At first it had been anxious, but lately it had been a lot more calm. She closed her eyes, releasing a shuddering breath. Seconds later, a gunshot sounded halfway across the world in Japan, and the room seemed to turn inside out. A sudden impact jarred her body, and she stumbled back, blinking as she recognized her surroundings, and the muffled curse a few yards ahead of her. The door opened to reveal Poul.

"Oh! Ms. Soryu, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were there..."

After a few moments her brain re-engaged, and she brushed by the bewildered tech, who watched her in puzzlement, then turned to go get his coffee, which was what he had been planning to do all along. Asuka sank into a chair.

_Time shift._

She had to resist the urge to run and find her clock. There was no need since she knew exactly when she was. _Oh, that's right, I came to talk to Poul about Unit-02._ There was nothing to do but wait for him to return. She had no choice but to have the conversation over, because she had no way of knowing when or even if she would shift again. She left for Japan the next day, and everything had to be perfect if she was to win the upcoming battle on her own.

* * *

Japan

The morning sun laid complex patterns of light onto the forest floor, and played over the gently moving fringes of Rei's hair, brightening her pale features. They had successfully returned to the proper place in time.

"It worked." He could feel a relieved grin tug at the corners of his mouth, and saw the answering warmth in her eyes.

"Yes." After a moment of contemplation, she turned, and seemed to think for a moment, as if deciding on a direction. Turning slightly, she sat cross-legged. Moving to sit beside her, he noticed she wasn't quite sitting cross-legged after all. "Sit as if you were sitting cross-legged, but place one leg atop the other so that they are both flat and parallel to the ground." He complied, mimicking her position, and she shook her head. "Switch your legs. Males sit with the left leg on top, females with the right," she explained, noticing his confusion. "Today we will add a physical component to the breathing exercise we use to warm up."

"Okay..."

"Put your hands out in front of you, as if you were holding a ball between them." He followed her instructions, and her movements. "Continuing the breathing exercises we did yesterday, imagine that there is a pulsing ball of light between your hands, pushing them apart when you breathe in, and pulling them together when you breathe out. Do not force the movement," she continued. "And do not exaggerate. Allow it to happen naturally."

He nodded, closing his eyes.

* * *

Germany

The shadows of the Eva bay seemed to taunt her while she waited. As she moved ever closer to the moment when the previous time-jump had occurred, her unease grew. As before, she was in the Eva bay in her plug-suit, prepared for the upcoming harmonics test. She watched the moments tick down, finally going past the hour and minute of the time-shift. One minute ticked by, then another, and she was just setting the clock aside with a sigh of relief when the world shifted, and she ran into a very familiar and infuriating door.

"Schiesse!" She recovered her balance and pushed past Poul, who was hurriedly apologizing, then snagged his arm before he could make an escape. "Oh no you don't," she snapped, "You're coming with me first. All I want you to do is listen, got it? None of your usual stupid questions, I know exactly what I want. Nod if you understand." The hapless tech nodded, his eyes wide.

* * *

Japan

The slight breeze through the trees caused the afternoon patterns of sunlight to dance along the ground hypnotically. To Shinji, the moving shapes seemed to follow the patterns of the short-form kata the two of them were performing. Or perhaps he had adjusted his rhythm to the pattern.

"You may change the tempo if you wish, but this particular movement should be done with an expanding feeling, as if it is your aura pushing the opponent away, not your strength." He adjusted himself at her words, careful not to break up the dance further. "It is fine to improvise, but be sure that everything flows together, the breath, the movements, and the feeling," she reminded him. "You must not change just one or two parts, the entire dance must change."

* * *

Germany

As the anticipated time-shift grew closer, Asuka stood to her feet, readying herself. When it happened, whatever stance she was in would be lost, of course, but perhaps if she was closer to the way she had been standing when she hit the door, she'd have a chance to catch herself.

_I can do this,_ she told herself. _The last couple of times there's been a fraction of a second's difference, enough time to stop my momentum-_

This time she seemed to jump earlier than before, and there was no shock of impact. But the pain was still there, along with the echo of a muffled thump on the other side of the door. _This time I must've shifted back to just after hitting the door,_ she thought with a grimace, rubbing her head as Poul stumbled over himself in his apologies.

"Go," she muttered through clenched teeth. "Just go. Do... whatever it was you were going to do, then get back here."

"Coffee," he mumbled. "I was going to get-"

"I don't care!"

* * *

Asuka waited, brooding, as the clock ticked its way closer to the appointed time. She stood a good five minutes before the jump was to take place, and waited. After seven minutes she folded her arms, thinking deep angry thoughts at whoever or whatever was behind her misery.

* * *

Japan

Shinji sneezed, interrupting his meditation. Rei looked up in surprise.

"Allergies?" He wondered aloud, seeing the question in her eyes.

"They did not bother you the past three days we have been here."

"...huh."

"It does not matter," she continued, pulling her cell-phone from the bag to summon Shinji's executioner. "It was nearly time anyway."

* * *

Germany

Asuka ran headlong into the door, then turned and gave it a vicious kick.

"Moron!" she yelled, shoving her way into the room and nearly tripping over Poul's prone form cowering on the floor. "What made you decide to get coffee now of all times, huh??"

"-b-but Ms. Soryu, this is the time I usually step out to get coffee," the confused man stammered. "I'm-I'm flattered you know my schedule, but-"

She picked him up and nearly flung him bodily out the door.

"Just go!"

* * *

After going over her instructions with Poul yet again, she was back in her room, fuming. _This isn't random,_ she told herself. It was the third time she had been sent back to the exact same point in time. Or very nearly the exact same point.

"Close enough that there's never time to stop myself," she muttered darkly. _Someone, or some_thing, _is controlling this,_ she admitted to herself. It was the only possibility. Probably the same entity that had been in control during that hell-on-earth that had followed her last disastrous battle. _The one in which that Idiot showed up late. Like always. Without me there in the mornings, he'd probably never even have made it to school._

"You know what? Screw it..." She walked over to her dresser, picked up her cell-phone, and punched in Shinji's number. Putting the phone to her ear, she was surprised to hear a low male voice answer. "Wrong number," she murmured, looking at the number a second time before ending the call. She set the phone down, going through all the possible causes of Shinji's number being different this time around.

_I probably stepped on a butterfly or something._ She chuckled darkly, picking her phone back up and calling Misato. The woman picked up after several rings with her usual cheery voice.

"Hey, Misato here, what's up?"

"Hi Misato, it's been a while, right?"

"Omigawd, Asuka, is that you?!"

Asuka gave half a mind to the small talk, eventually winding the conversation around to a suitable point where she could ask her question.

"So, what's the phone number of the other pilot, Ikari, right?"

"What, you interested in him already?" Even having prepared for it, the woman's needling tone raised her ire. "I'm afraid he's already got a girlfriend, and she's-"

"Look, cut the crap, okay, I'm having a bad day!" _Understatement of the year._ "Just give me the number, alright?"

"Spoilsport," Misato sniped, then gave her the number. "See you in a few weeks!"

"Yeah." _Whenever that is._ She hung up, immediately dialing the number Misato had given her. She was not terribly surprised to find the number out-of-service/unavailable.

_Figures._

* * *

Japan

The two Children sat in the forest, side by side, cross-legged as they meditated using the ball-holding exercise.

"This... it's really weird." Shinji's vague utterances grated on her, but she pushed aside the feelings. He was experiencing something unique, that very few people had a chance to take part in, so she would allow him his foibles. At least for now. She patiently waited for him to continue. "I can feel it. It really feels like I'm holding..." he paused, searching for the right words. "...well, like a bubble, or something." Warmth spread through her at those words, and she opened her eyes, dropping her posture.

"That's good," she said. He looked over at her as he lowered his hands, wonder on his face.

"I didn't feel it at the beginning," he explained, guilt written on his features. "I lied about it, because I didn't want to let you down."

"I knew," she admitted.

"Oh." He looked down, studying his hands. "But to feel something now, what does it mean?" he asked, looking up again.

"It means there is hope," she replied simply. "It means that these exercises are not useless after all," she explained, seeing his confusion. "What you gain from them carries over each time we reset." _It means we can continue._

* * *

Germany

Thump.

Asuka winced, trying to ignore Poul's apologies, and think of some way to contact Shinji. If he did not remember, that was one thing, but if he did... _Well, better not to think about that for now. I'll deal with it after I get ahold of him._

Which was turning out to be much harder than it seemed at first. She tried throughout the day, but his phone remained off all the way through to the very end.

* * *

Germany (yet again)

Thump.

She tried to roust Misato and get her to find Shinji, but the damnably lazy woman apparently could not be bothered.

"Oh Asuka, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Section Two says he checked into the Geofront earlier today." The woman gave such a long and tired-sounding yawn that she found herself yawning in sympathy. "Look, you'll be here in a few weeks, you can get your hot little hands on him then-" Asuka hung up.

_I'll get my hands on him, alright. I swear, even if he's not involved in this, I'll kill him. Once for every time I hit my head._

* * *

Thump.

* * *

Thump.

* * *

Multiple repeated thumps.

* * *

Japan

The two sat facing each other, hands held out, as if holding a beach ball between the two of them. Shinji had his eyes closed, having found that it helped his concentration. He did not know if Rei was the same. All he knew was how strange and different the familiar exercise felt when he practiced it with her. Her hesitance ten minutes ago was burned into his mind. He had never seen her hesitate concerning anything she had taught him over the past month.

He tried not to flinch as the feeling changed yet again. What had started out as a pure milky-white bubble of energy began to develop a core of darkness that quickly grew until only the outer layer of the sphere was still bright. It wasn't as if he could see any of this, it was more of a feeling, or perhaps a knowing. He could sense it under his hands, pulsing faintly against his palms, as a warmth. The bright outer layer began to erode, darkness subverting it, melting it away slowly, almost sensuously, until the bubble disappeared abruptly. Startled, he opened his eyes to see Rei with a very troubled expression on her normally placid face. The worry melted away as life came back to her eyes and she returned his gaze.

"That's enough." Her voice did not shake, or carry any overt sign of worry, but he could feel it nonetheless.

* * *

She sighed in relief when he finally looked away, staring out into the forest. She unconsciously rubbed her hands front and back, as if trying to rid herself of the feelings she had just experienced. _What was that?_ The darkness she knew well, having lived with it her whole life. Even through Third Impact that unknown, and perhaps unknowable part of her mind had remained dormant. _Why would it awaken now, of all times?_ Was this her future? To finally make something beautiful with Shinji, only to have it subverted by the alien entity within her?

* * *

One pointless murder later, the two of them lay under the trees enjoying the morning sun and the breeze that gently rustled the branches above them.

"I've never felt this way before." His hands were clasped behind his head, his face serene. "It's like my entire body is light. I feel as if I could float away, or jump over these trees with no problem at all." He turned his head to face her, and she wondered at her sudden sense of melancholy.

_He has surpassed my expectations. I should be glad._

"But we're back at the beginning of the day," he continued, unaware of her distress. "...so technically I haven't even begun yet."

Rei contemplated his expression for a few moments before responding. "You know most of the short forms, and I am confident that you now understand the fundamentals of the primary long form." She turned away, hiding her sorrow as she realized what it was that bothered her. "It is now possible for you to practice on your own, and make true progress." _This is for the best. After all he's done for me, I've finally been able to give him something in return. It's best to let him learn on his own, or I may ruin it._ The disturbing memory of their shared meditation lingered in her mind.

"In that case, let's go do something fun." She could tell from his tone that he was still light-headed, and had not truly thought out what he was saying.

"You are talking about a date," she said, smiling wanly at his sudden discomfort. Things never seemed to go quite according to plan when the two of them were concerned. She had yet to build up a suitable wardrobe for such outings, but then he had yet to find the courage to ask her. It had been too much to hope he was reaching out to her. Even his attempts to get closer to her were doubtless from his open and caring nature, not because he thought anything for her specifically.

"I, um..." he cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I guess I am, when you put it that way."

"But I have nothing to wear," she said, mimicking one of Asuka's phrases. He was probably trying to make up for his previous hurtful words and actions. _But I can still enjoy it while it lasts._ He turned his head, the phrase sounding strange coming from her lips.

"You've never had a problem with your school uniform before," he said, surprise and perhaps a bit of teasing in his voice.

Oddly enough it had been Maki who had put doubt into her usual routine.

"_No! Absolutely not, you can't go out like that, I don't care how convenient it is!"_

"_Do not worry, Maki, he will not ask."_

_The girl put her hand over Rei's, leaning closer._

"_Stop being so pessimistic! Besides, you need to be prepared, just in case."_

"_Perhaps," Rei admitted._

"I've also never been on a date before," she reminded him, noting the blush that crept over his face at the word 'date.'

"Then... let's go to the mall." He looked over at her, having gotten his face under control, except for the look of hope in his eyes.

She stood, shouldering their gym bag. He got up as well, and they both set off towards NERV headquarters and the linear rail station. She glanced sidelong at him. "Were you planning on wearing your school uniform to our date as well?"

"Wha... bu-" he sputtered, obviously trying to hide his own lack of clothing variety. "What's wrong with a white shirt and black pants? It goes with anything..."

"It would appear that going to the mall is a good idea after all," she decided aloud. "We both could use a change of wardrobe."

* * *

The two teenagers lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, both for different reasons. Shinji had enjoyed going shopping with Rei, more than he had enjoyed anything else in his two lives so far. Beside his new experiences with her, all that he had done in the past paled in comparison. Still, part of him would have rather faced any of the Angels he had fought in his past life, rather than be there face to face with Rei as she modeled outfits for him, while another part of him would not trade their time for anything. Her sense of taste was a bit questionable, even to his untrained eyes, but the point had been their time together, more than successful color-matching. Later when she persuaded him to model several outfits for her, he found that his previous fears had been minuscule in comparison.

"_Don't be so embarrassed,"_ she had told him at one point. _"I like those colors. They go well with your skin."_

"_-I don't really see how you can say that,"_ he had mumbled, wishing he could go crawl under a rock at the perceived stares of probably everyone in the store. Besides, he had seen some of the atrociously mismatched outfits she had chosen for herself.

"_Only your face is red,"_ she had assured him, unable to keep a smile from her voice. _"You really do look good in those colors. Here, try these on next."_ He felt her deposit another shirt-and-pants combination into his nearly-numb hands, and then gently shove him in the direction of the changing stalls. Halfway there, he had looked back and saw her sitting in one of the chairs scattered around the waiting area, hands folded in her lap, face neutral as she waited expectantly. In the end they had lost about as much closet space as he had lost face.

He glanced furtively over at Rei, watching her measured breathing. She was still awake, that much he could tell from past shared experience. Something had changed after their month of training, or more specifically after that last shared meditation exercise. It was subtle, but she seemed to be withdrawing back into herself, or at least not reaching out so much.

_Thank you for today. For everything._ The words would not come out. Why was it so difficult to say that kind of thing to her? He had said similar words to her in the past. From his own perspective they had gotten closer over the month they had trained together. So why did it now feel like they had grown more separated than ever? She was right there, beside him. _Maybe I'm over-thinking it._

Then he realized what was different. So far she had avoided physical contact. _Well, it's been a month since we've slept._ He still had very little idea why she seemed to crave physical touch. _She's always reached out to me. Now that I think about it, I've never once really reached out to her._

His heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest, and he took a breath, trying to calm himself. _I like her,_ he reminded himself clenching and unclenching his hand shakily. _She likes me. _He slowly reached over, praying that her hands were by her side. Otherwise the first part of her he touched would make things even more embarrassing. Trying not to move his head, he glanced down, and saw that they were. By the time he grasped her hand, he was nearly in shock, and his own hand was noticeably cool against the warmth of her fingers. She did not jump physically, but he felt surprise run through their shared contact.

"Why do things feel so awkward between us now?" His voice was nearly a whisper. After a moment, she rolled up on her side, resting her other hand on his shoulder, her breath and hair tickling the side of his neck as she nestled herself beside him. _I'm still tense._ She had to feel it, and it probably hurt her. He desperately fought off the tension, and the images that sometimes still rose in his mind if he wasn't careful. _I'm sorry, Rei._ He turned his head slightly, resting it against hers, and felt her gently squeeze his hand. The soft scent of her choice of shampoo tickled his nose. _Even if I am scared, she's the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. Even by accident. _As they lay there, her warmth spread to him, and his shock slowly wore off. The coldness he had felt from her was gone.

_Maybe that's all she wanted. For me to reach out to her._

Guilt mixed with the slight unease he felt, as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Three Weeks Later

The carrier deck was a hot-bed of activity as the military heavy-lift helicopter's engines spooled down and prepared to shut off. Workers swarmed like ants around the craft, detaching the cargo container and its cargo of Eva umbilical cable. Asuka watched and waited, her arms crossed, her gaze intent. _Next up, the hat._ The side door opened, followed by a short scuffle. No hat. Her gaze darkened as the three 'stooges'-plus-Misato stepped onto the carrier-deck. Touji was thanking Shinji profusely, which the boy was trying to ignore, his hands in his pockets. He looked up, and their eyes locked. In that instant she knew without a doubt. She turned away, stalking off towards the nearest hatchway, ignoring Misato's boisterous cry of greeting.

Making her way back to her assigned temporary quarters, she locked the door and flopped down on the hard bunk, head under her pillow.

_Why? Of all people, why him?! With my luck, Wondergirl is in on this too._ They were all pilots. But then what about Touji? He had piloted, even if it was just once, but he obviously wasn't a part of the time-shifts. _Nothing makes sense!_ She squeezed the pillow tighter, trying to shut out the world around her. _It doesn't matter. None of them matter. The only thing that matters right now is Eva._

Dinner was as boisterous as it had been the first time, but she did not attend, or care for that matter.

* * *

It had taken a bit of cajoling, but Shinji had gotten a helicopter ride over to the battle-ship that held Unit-02. As back-up pilot, he was supposed to be allowed access to it at any time, but no one else knew about the impending Angel attack. _No one else but Asuka,_ he thought glumly. He had seen it in her eyes, and knew. Especially after her abrupt departure. _She's part of the resets._ It had dumbfounded him, though he knew it should not have. _Why did I think Rei and I were the only ones? Why didn't I think of her?_ He continued down the stairs to where her Eva rested, only to be stopped by a light rustle. His eyes bugged out when he saw it was Asuka, changing. _She came here early too?_ A corner of his mind gibbered. _Curves,_ another part of him commented. She pulled the suit the rest of the way up, tossing her hair back to free it from the suit's snug collar, then pressing the button on her wrist that drew it skintight.

"So one lifetime of pervertedness just wasn't enough, huh?" Her voice was deadly calm. His voice failed him, and he stood there opening and closing his mouth helplessly. "You look like a gutted fish," she grated out, calmly walking up to him, her hands on her hips. "Why are you even here? What's in that bag?"

"My plug suit." He managed to keep his voice steady.

"Oh. Not so boring this time around, are you." She brought a red-gloved hand up to his chin, turning it one way, then the other. "You forgot to shave," she said, her voice still quiet with a dangerous undertone. "Trying to take lessons from Kaji or something?" Her eyes held his in a vice grip.

"Asuka, I..." he swallowed once, remembering their last battle against the MP Evas. "I really didn't mean to leave you hanging out there-" His voice cut off abruptly as her hand dropped to his chest and slammed him against the wall.

"Don't." Her eyes were closed as she tried to keep control of her voice. Phantom pain of her torn apart Eva lacerated her consciousness until she forced the emotion and memories away. "Don't be so full of yourself." She opened her eyes, anger evident in her expression. "It was a waste of time to bring that." Her eyes flitted to his bag. "I don't need you, or Kaji." She turned, releasing him and stalking off towards her Eva. "Not anymore."

"You really think you can do everything on your own." He spoke loudly enough for her to hear. Six months of her verbal abuse and mind games, not to mention numerous slaps and punches in their prior life came to the surface. "You don't think you'll need my help, huh?." He was angry enough to let her try it on her own. She'd get another chance after the next reset anyway. Maybe.

"You had your chance, Ikari." Her voice was low and hard, under control. "I needed you, and you weren't there." She turned, hatred marring her beautiful features. "I don't need you anymore!"

"Stop being so full of yourself," he said, somewhat taken aback by her expression. "Do you really think you're the only one affected by this battle? ...you really thing that you can beat this one on your own?"

"Watch me." She stepped through the porthole at the end of the hall, slamming the hatch behind her with a loud clang.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. After a moment he noticed it was trembling. _Why did I say all that stuff?_ He slowly made his way up to the bridge. There was no point in trying to go back to the carrier, since he was supposed to be acting in his role as backup pilot, and thus would be expected to stay on the battleship. He was still several floors away from the bridge when the entire ship rocked on its axis. He covered the remaining steps in record time, pushing his way onto the bridge to hear a familiar-if-somewhat-early report over the speakers.

"Unit-02 is activating!" He showed his NERV card to the deck guard who was trying to take him into custody, then stood aside trying figure out what was going on.

"What?!" The admiral's tinny voice over the speakers was just as strained as it had been the first time around. "Stop her! Shut it down! That's an order...!"

"-Asuka, what're you doing??" A scuffle could be heard in the background as Misato tried to keep control of the microphone. "I swear, if this is another one of your stunts for attention...!" It was too late. Shinji saw that, in the form of Unit-02's red bulk throwing off the tarp that covered it, and leaping into the air towards a patrol boat that did not look like it could even begin to hold the massive mechanoid's weight. In the giant's hands were an axe and a progressive lance, and it was wearing a diving suit.

_What's she doing... _Shinji got his answer when the patrol boat was chopped in half by a plume of purple energy right before Asuka impacted it. He noticed the slight wake that led to what remained of the ship just before the Eva stopped as if it had landed on something solid, then bent and slashed down viciously with its axe. Seconds later Angel and Eva disappeared underneath the roiling waves.

"Fire! All ships fire at will!" The admiral was obviously furious at being upstaged, and was unwilling to wait for Asuka to kill the Angel on her own.

"-never mind Asuka!" Misato's voice had lost its worry. "I never doubted you for a minute!" Further scuffling could be heard as the battle for the microphone continued.

Torpedoes tracked through the water towards a faint ripple that slowly enlarged. The Angel broached the surface of the waves, Unit-02 on its back, holding onto the Angel's surface via the axe and lance which were both buried in its hide. Asuka maneuvered her Unit until the Angel was between her and the incoming torpedoes. Four plumes of water shot into the air, and the last two were mixed with red, which could only be the Angel's blood.

"-hah, see, your toy was only in the way!" Shinji heard the Admiral gloat to Misato. "I'll have you know this is going in my report once we've destroyed the Angel!"

"Moron!" Misato responded, "Your weapons only work because she negated the Angel's AT-field with her own!"

Kaji chose this point to break in on the radio.

"Well, Katsuragi, looks like you've got things under control here. Toodles, hotness!" His salute through the cockpit glass of the Yak-38 he was piloting was enough to draw an incoherent shriek of fury from Misato.

The Angel made a pass at a nearby cruiser, which launched a quartet of rocket-propelled torpedoes in defense. Asuka held on until the last minute, finally pulling her lance free and jumping away into the water in the direction of the carrier. The first rocket exploded in a shower of gore and blood, but the last three were obviously deflected by the Angel's AT-field, which it had apparently raised when Unit-02 jumped away. Seconds later the Eva breached the ocean's surface and pulled its way onto the carrier's deck.

"Misato! Power...!" Asuka yelled, getting her Unit to its feet.

"Right. Admiral..." Misato's voice faded, as she finally gave up the microphone.

"Hah!" Satisfaction dripped from the admiral's gravelly voice as he spoke to Asuka "So you've finally come back with your tail between your legs! Well, don't worry, we'll take care of the intruder. In fact, during the court-martial, I won't hold you personally responsible-" The carrier suddenly heaved, and Shinji watched, dumbstruck, as the wounded Angel latched its jaws onto the side of the flight-deck, causing the giant ship to list alarmingly. "-oh, what a waste...!" Kensuke's distant voice came through the speakers as several planes and VTOLS fell from the carrier deck into the water. Shinji could imagine the otaku waving his camera about, watching as his precious fleet was torn apart.

"NOOO!" The admiral's terrified voice echoed through the speakers. "It's eating my ship! Somebody do somethiiing...!" In fact, Asuka was doing something, but probably not for the admiral's sake. She swung her progressive lance, slashing off a couple of the monster's teeth and causing it to loosen its grip slightly. She then flung the entire weight of her Eva against the creature's head, causing it to slip back off the deck entirely. Before it could disappear back into the water, she hurled the lance into its yawning mouth, piercing its core through in a flash of light. The Angel's skin began to bubble and froth as it lost control of itself, and Asuka crossed her Eva's arms. The air in front of her thickened, becoming a noticeably purple color, and then the Angel exploded. A massive plume of energy boiled into the sky, reflected off of Asuka's full-power AT-field, and ripped through two ships that happened to be too close to the blast radius. By the time the sea and the cheers from the radio calmed down, Shinji could see Asuka's Unit in a low stance trying not to slide into the ocean as the carrier returned to even keel.

_I guess I should apologize for what I said earlier,_ he grudgingly admitted, scratching the back of his head. By the time he returned to the carrier, Misato was busy with her reports, Kensuke was busy dragging Touji around and filming every part of the ship he could weasel his way into, and Asuka was nowhere to be found.

* * *

Predictably, by the time the fleet returned to Japan, Misato's apartment was overflowing with a multitude of DHL moving boxes. Asuka swept through the foyer and into Misato's abode with the grace of the conquering queen that she was.

"Hah!" Her hands were on her hips, and an extremely smug grin was on her face as the raven-haired captain drifted through the door of her room into the living room, Yebisu can in hand. Asuka continued her triumphal entry. "You can tell my idiot-of-a-room-mate that it's going to take some major sucking-up before I'll even acknowledge his existence," she crowed.

"Who're you talkin' about?" a slightly buzzed Misato asked.

"The Third Child, of course!"

"Oh, Shinji? -hehe...!" Blissfully unaware of the hell she was about to unleash, Misato proceeded to rock Asuka's boat by telling her exactly where Shinji had been living for the past two months or so. It may be interesting to note that at this point the cicadas were busy cicading and a pair of robins were sitting calmly on a power line some distance from ground zero.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S LIVING WITH REI??" The sliding glass window leading to the deck warped outward, nearly shattering, the cicadas were thrown into disarray, and the pair of robins were propelled into the air as the power line vibrated harshly.

"Where's all this hostility coming from?" Misato asked, finishing off her can and going for another.

"-but, but..." The young pilot sputtered, cursing Shinji silently. _He's done it again. My victory is meaningless!_ "How can you call yourself the Operations Director and still sign off on something that goes against all morals and ethics?? She's probably already lost her virginity to that twerp!"

"Oh, you worry too much," Misato said, making a 'pooh-poohing' motion with her hand as she popped the top on the fresh Yebisu. "Their synch ratios are better than ever. Besides, Ritsuko would know if those two had done 'that'..."

"Gyaaah!" Asuka totally lost all composure. "You don't know how desperate and devious those two are!" She mimed a relatively good Shinji. "-ooh, we can't go that far, Rei, my father'll find out!" She switched over and mimed a robotic-Rei who was desperately struggling to show human emotion. "Whatever you say, Shinji-kun! I'll go as far as you want, as many times as you want!"

Misato was trying to hold back a fit of giggles.

"-ehehe, say, how is it that you seem to already know those two so well?" she asked with a delicate hiccup. "I've wanted to ask that ever since the chilly reception on the carrier..."

Asuka broke down into a storm of German cursing as she stomped out the door.

* * *

Shinji wandered into the apartment, his expression blank, as close as he had ever been to his mindset at the beginning. Rei stood by the washer, having just delivered the last half of her laundry to be put in the machine. A shading of pink flirted across her face, but she quickly recognized the empty look in his eyes, and whatever witticism she had been about to unleash died away.

"Why didn't I think of her?" His voice was sad but firm. He leaned against the washing machine, his back to the basket containing his and Rei's unmentionables. "A phone call. Just one." He moved, just barely, rocking back and forth, as if comforting himself, or at least trying to. "Maybe that's all it would have taken. Something, anything, to let her know she wasn't alone in all this."

Rei stood, in the middle of the semi-dark room, the final basket of laundry in her hands, forgotten in the suddenly morose atmosphere.

"You were preoccupied at the time," she reminded him. "-with keeping your own sanity intact."

"Was I too preoccupied when I moved in here?" He turned on her, his eyes full of fire. "Was I..." the flame guttered, as he realized who it was he was snapping at. "Was I too preoccupied when I spent so much time with you? When I bought you that flower? What-" He tried to cut himself off, and turn away, but all the preceding words had already been spoken. He could see the subtle hurt in her face, and hated himself for it, even if he was right, in a way. "What about the past month? What do you think she went through, having to live that same day over and over, not knowing what was going on?"

The basket slid from her limp fingers, and she sat down on the floor, hugging her knees, her expression thoughtful. He flopped down cross-legged in front of the washer, running a hand through his hair as he looked down at his lap. He wanted to apologize, but he could not. He knew if he said the words, they would be false, and she would hate him for it, more than she hated him now. Probably hated him, now. He glanced at her still silent form, unmoving except for a measured blink every three seconds or so. Her AT-field was stronger than ever, preventing him from gleaning anything from her expression.

"I have stopped trying to predict what will happen, or how the next Angel will react," she said almost tonelessly. "All I did was cause others pain when I tried to help. Were it not for the resets, our last battle would have been the end, all because of my suggestions." Silence stretched over a minute, neither of them moving, or speaking.

_But it wouldn't have cost me anything to make a single call._ He didn't say the words, though. They were damning enough in his mind, playing over and over.

"My head tells me that no harm would have come from a single phone call," she continued. "But my heart rebels against the idea of you reaching out to Sohryu." Her eyes flickered up to meet his momentarily. _You rarely enough reach out even to me._ The thought was unspoken, but he caught it just the same. Neither spoke for a good five minutes, the air-conditioner humming along noisily. Whatever would have happened next was lost to the ages when the air currents in the apartment shifted as the door opened. Shinji looked over and up.

"How sweet." Asuka's voice dripped corrosively as she stood silhouetted by the flickering street light outside, her sun-dress blowing in the slight breeze, her expression dark. She stepped inexorably closer, but Shinji was frozen and speechless. _I don't care any more. Whatever she does to me, I deserve it..._ She stepped past him, pausing and looking over his head at the top of the washer. "Mixed laundry." Her eyebrow twitched. She reached over, grabbed the basket, and threw it across the room. The basket trailed undergarments like a comet until it impacted the wall with a dull thud and fell to the floor. She stalked to the center of the room, looking around with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. "From the jock's description of this room in the past, it was supposed to be a wreck. You two have been busy little beavers." She turned her icy gaze to Shinji. "Or was it just you?"

Her angry eyes roved around the room, finally tripping over the plant sitting in front of the window-sill, clusters of blue flowers stretching towards the sunlight, or at least stretching to where they knew the sun would eventually be. "What is this?" she asked, nearly breathless. With measured steps, she made her way to the flower. "Who?" she asked, her eyes flashing as she wavered between the two of them. "Who bought this? For whom?" Not receiving an answer, she grabbed the pot and flung it through the closed window. "I ASKED WHO BOUGHT IT!!" She turned, to find Rei's eyes glint with anger, before returning to their familiar neutrality. Glass tinkled to the floor, and a distant crash indicated that the flower pot had found pavement.

"I did." Shinji's voice was oddly calm, and Asuka's deranged eyes flitted over to rest upon him.

"Who said," she bit off each word as she stepped towards him. "-that you could find happiness?" Her expression wavered between sadness and anger. "What gives either of you the right to find happiness in this... this... Help me Shinji. What is this we're in?" Her expression had turned almost thoughtful, though the hint of insanity was still there. "Shinji." She appeared to be trying out the word, as if for the first time. "I said, 'help me.'"

He hated the fear that was crawling through him as he shifted under her gaze. He hated his cowardice. But there was one thing he hated even more, and it was the cold terror that gripped him as he remembered pleading with her in that nightmare. All it would have taken was one single word from her to put his mind at ease. Just one. 'Help me, Asuka,' he had pleaded. Her answer still echoed in his head.

"No," he said. He watched her pupils constrict visibly. She had perhaps not expected him to say anything at all. She turned away, her eyes vacant as she walked to the door.

"Whatever happiness you think you can find in this messed up reality, know this." She paused, her hand on the door handle. "I can destroy it far more easily than you can build it." With a soft click, she closed the door behind her.

* * *

Asuka mechanically walked down the stairs, the hateful words and actions of the past minutes fading from her mind as she concentrated on the only thing that was important to her, the only thing that would not disappoint her. Her next activation test was scheduled in three days, and with it she could erase completely what she had been forced to confront in that wretched apartment behind her. She did not look back, or linger at the door, and thus she did not hear the short conversation playing out between her two fellow pilots.

"Do it, Rei. I don't care how." His voice was low, and haunted.

"This will not be without pain," she warned.

"I don't care." A soft rustle of clothes as she got up and walked to where Shinji sat. Asuka heard none of this. She did, however, hear the sound of a freight train as the world turned inside out. Her hand was once again on the door of apartment 402, and she watched as Shinji got to his feet. The flower stood on Rei's window-sill, mocking her. The basket of clothes was back where it had started, on the washing machine. _Time shift,_ her brain informed her, before going numb.

"You're wrong, by the way," Shinji commented, and she shivered at the maniacal look in his eyes. "I can rebuild what you destroy. Easily." He stepped closer to her, and she backed away. "So easily." He spoke calmly. "All I have to do is die." He tilted his head to the side. "Did you know that?" Her mouth opened, but nothing came out. She stumbled backward, shaking her head. Then she did something she had never done in her whole life. She turned and ran away.

* * *

"That wasn't me."

His voice was hollow as he lay, nearly fetal, his head on her lap. The hard wall pushed against her back, and her eyes rested on her one comfort, the plant he had given her.

"Why did I hurt her?" he asked plaintively. "I never wanted to hurt her."

_But she always seems to take joy in hurting you._ Her unspoken thought remained unspoken, and he continued on.

"Why does she always have to be like that? Why does she always have to be so..." he paused momentarily, searching for an adjective, and failing. "...so Asuka?"

_She is herself, and you are you._

Again, Rei stayed silent. Words were fickle, and had betrayed her as often as they had helped. It was enough that he had come to her for comfort. That he no longer shied away from her touch. Lifting a hand, she ran her fingers through his soft hair, remembering a month ago when she had similarly touched him, before their month-long practice. His mouth twitched into a smile, and he seemed to read her mind.

"Things were so much simpler when we were training. Why did we ever have to leave that place?"

"We can go back at any time."

"Let's go, then." He lifted himself up, looking at her, his expression simple and child-like.

"Alright." She stood and walked towards the door. Turning back when he did not follow, she looked at him in puzzlement. He stared back.

"Don't you have to call Section Two? Aren't we going back?"

_He meant back in time, not back to the Geofront._

"We don't have to go back in time to practice," she reminded him. "And did not Sohryu beat the Angel? Do you want to negate her work?"

"Oh." Something crossed his face too fast for her to catch. Disappointment? Sadness? It was gone before she could analyze it. "I guess you're right." He stood, calm expectation masking whatever had been on his face a moment ago. "You really don't mind training with me now? It's kind of late."

"I do not mind." She saw how badly he needed to unwind, and every joint exercise she had done with him so far had been a novel and interesting experience.

In the end they found themselves walking towards the park nearest to Rei's apartment, the trains to the Geofront having already stopped running. A slight wind rustled its way through the trees, eventually making its way down to their level, bringing relief from the warm night.

"This will be fine," she said, stopping in a clearing. The moon and several distant street lights illuminated an empty park-bench some ways away, hidden by a series of shrubs, but there was no one else around at this time of night. "We will spar," she said simply.

"-aah, how?" he asked, apprehension on his face.

"I realize the idea seems new to you, but every element of the dances and katas we have practiced have martial applications. For now just focus on the basics, the eight gates and the five steps," she told him. "The long and short forms all have imaginary opponents. The only difference here is your opponent is real."

"Hah, 'the only difference...'" He fidgeted nervously.

"Relax," she said, dropping out of 'teacher mode.' "The movements are in slow motion, so there is no danger. Think of it as a physical conversation. There is give and take. When your opponent makes a move, you must accept it, and formulate a response, all without losing your center of gravity. It's more of a game than a sparring match."

"Alright." He nodded, his face having gone serious. They both faced each other, standing naturally.

* * *

Shinji waited, just standing there for a few moments, but somehow he knew she wouldn't attack first. It just wasn't her way, at least not with him. She calmly stared at him, and he knew he would psych himself out if he waited too long. He doubted anyone alive could take her in a staring contest.

He stepped forward and reached for her shoulder in one smooth motion, intending at the very least to drag her down with him if he could not gain the upper hand fairly quickly. His hand touched her shoulder. He knew that, because he felt the cloth against his fingers, but her mass, her momentum, was not there. She had appeared to be at rest, but that was apparently not the case, because the resistance he had expected was missing. Her center of balance was invisible to him, and as he tried to catch and recenter himself, she must have sensed it through their shared contact, for that was when she made her move. He felt a light touch underneath the arm he had outstretched towards her shoulder, and he realized it was her other hand. He was already overbalanced forward, and she added just enough force at just the right time to send him flying forward into the ground. He tucked and rolled, coming to a knee and looking back, an embarrassed grin on his face.

"Too obvious," she admonished, staring at him placidly, and awaiting his next move.

His next attack fared little better. He approached her cautiously, reaching for her shoulder and hip simultaneously, hoping to at least feel what she was doing as she took him apart. She turned both arms away from their targets, and they moved back and forth, hands and wrists never losing contact. He changed his target, but she felt it and in that moment her aura seemed to expand. He leaned back unconsciously, and that was when she snaked a hand up and tapped him on the forehead. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the ground several yards away from her, dazed.

"Too subtle," she said this time, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes.

As they continued, he began to get the hang of things. All this meant, of course, was that he saw and understood more of what she was doing to him, not that he ever got the upper hand. Interspersed between defeats were short words of wisdom. "Look for openings," or, "Try not to be so tense. The more relaxed you are, the easier you can read your opponent's movements."

He never caught her completely off-guard, but as the night wore on he began to catch her subtle rhythms and patterns. He came to understand how she had managed to conform so completely to him during their one dance back in their previous life when he and Asuka had been training to fight the twin Angel. In a way, he began to understand a little more of her mindset. "Reach out to me," seemed to be her main theme. "Engage me, and allow me to respond." _Reach out._ He remembered his fear at even reaching over and holding hands with her, and how it had seemed to mean so much to her. _Reach out to me. Share my touch,_ her movements seemed to say. _Kiss me._ He blushed, lost concentration, and was thrown to the ground.

"And you were doing so well, there." Her eyes teased him as he got to his feet.

_Did I just see that?_ She had already kissed him, two months ago, but since then, nothing had happened. _Well, I've never _made_ anything happen,_ he amended. Almost everything had been initiated by Rei, and though he had not pushed her away, it had to be wearing on her. _I need to do something, but not that,_ he insisted, trying to argue down the guilt he was feeling. _Not now._

_Why not?_ It seemed to say. _Why not now?_

He thought hard, but could not come up with a satisfactory answer. _Well, who knows,_ he sighed, giving in. _Maybe it'll surprise her enough that I'll finally win one._

* * *

Rei felt the same cloying feeling she had felt in their previous two-person ball-holding exercise a day ago. It was coming more often whenever she and her fellow pilot were together, and it confused her. _This cannot be love,_ she decided. Or rather, she hoped. It was too strong a feeling, too sweet, like molasses, or syrup. Beyond the various second-hand experiences she had undergone during Third Impact, she did not know love, but she had hoped it would be more light-hearted, more free-flowing. This was more like a thick blanket that hindered thought and movement.

As they continued sparring, she felt the mood change slightly, as if Shinji had made some sort of decision. She wondered about it, but kept her curiosity firmly in check lest it ruin her dance. She had considered nearly all the myriad possibilities, including the one Shinji eventually chose, but she had of course dismissed the idea of a kiss almost instantly, deciding that the probability of him initiating such contact was close to nonexistent. Then he made his move, their lips touched, and she learned the truth. It was not love that she felt, it was Lilith.

The dark cloying presence rose in her mind, driving out all rational thought. She tilted her head, pressed herself up against him, and began doing things to his mouth and tongue that made her heart begin to race as fast as she felt his racing through their shared contact. It took her a full ten seconds to regain control of her faculties enough to realize what she had done, and as she came back to herself, she felt Shinji go from ecstacy to confusion to absolute terror as he realized it was not Rei he was kissing. Unease curdled the good feeling in the center of her midsection, and she pulled away. Looking into his eyes and seeing the combination of fear and guilt battling away in his mind, she watched as her life came tumbling down around her like a house of cards.

Every time he looked at her, every time he touched her, he would wonder if he was interacting with Rei, or the _other,_ Lilith. The thing that made her alien. The thing that made her _enemy_. She stumbled backwards, turned, and fled blindly, almost unable to see through the tears blurring her vision.


	6. Ripples

"You know, no matter how much power you have, if you don't know where something went wrong, you can't go back and fix it."

Silence.

Plaintively, "I mean, if you have more than one Omnipotent, neither of them is all-powerful any more, are they? Really, how fair is that? Then again, I guess that's kind of a bad analogy when you compare it to what Rei and I were doing-"

"Geez, you're making even less sense than usual... just shut up and come to bed, will you??"

Sigh.

"Yes, Asuka."

---Excerpt from _Conversations With Asuka,_ published circa post Third Impact, after society returned to normal, or at least as normal as a society can get after briefly becoming a mass-consciousness.

* * *

Chapter 6 – Ripples

Preread by Fanf1cFan (dernit, that's the second time I forgot to add that -ed)

"This is unacceptable."

White gloved folded hands hid a brooding face.

"Yes sir."

A very familiar clipboard wobbled back and forth in a certain doctor's hands as she fiddled with it, her expression forlorn. It was obvious she was blaming herself for the present circumstances, as if she had somehow failed as a guardian.

"Another twenty points, you say."

More brooding. More wobbling.

"Yes sir. They're very near the absolute borderline." Pause. "Certainly not combat ready." She braced, as if or a hurricane, and was surprised when one was not forthcoming.

"Do nothing," he finally instructed. "Give no indication that anything is out of the ordinary."

"-but..." She held herself back from the obvious argument. The pilots had to know by now that their sync ratios had fallen to the depths, even if they had not been directly told. Still, his decision, and his order, relieved her. Very much. Over the past two months she had actually grown fond of the two pilots and their strange relationship. If only. If only...

Hearing the dismissal in his voice, she glanced one final time at the photos on his desk. One showed the two pilots practicing martial arts together in one of the many parks that littered the Geofront. It was night, but the street-lamps illuminated their positions well enough, and the low-light gear used to take the photographs was obviously of the highest quality. Another photo showed them in a different position, still practicing. Further photos showed Shinji getting his ass handed to him by Rei, multiple times, it looked like. The final two photos were far different. One showed the two pilots in an obviously passionate kiss, and the other showed the girl running into the distance, and Shinji, his expression distraught as he watched her go.

* * *

Cold.

Rei shivered once, then again several moments later. It was cold. The air-conditioning unit she had been provided with had but four settings, hardly providing what one could call fine control. She considered getting out of bed and switching it to a lower setting, but decided against it. Shinji would be back later, and his warmth would be there even if his heart was not. After he had begun sleeping beside her, she had changed the setting on the air-conditioner to adjust for the extra body heat underneath the covers.

She closed her eyes against the dark shadows of the apartment as a wave of sorrow washed over her. Her room-mate's fear had receded days after the incident, but in its wake she could feel the layers of protection that now surrounded his heart, the core of his being that had ever so slowly begun to open to her. The two of them had not discussed the incident, nor had they overtly changed any of their usual habits, with the exception of physical touch. There had been none since that day, and it wore on her, but there was nothing to be done about it. If she reached out to him now, and he rejected her, their relationship might never recover. Or to make matters worse, if she reached out to him, and he responded, what if Lilith took over again? Above all else she feared the moment of happiness in his eyes immediately after Lilith had used her mouth to kiss him. For just a moment she saw such a profound joy, something she had never been able to evoke from him on her own.

It hurt. It hurt terribly to think that he might love that dark presence in her mind more than he loved her. If he loved her. He had never actually said words to the effect of what he thought of her, what he felt for her. Physically, it was obvious he was uncomfortable around her. _What is it that gives me hope?_ Not his words, and certainly not his actions. Turning onto her side, she unconsciously hugged her legs to her chest as her melancholy deepened, until the ache within her drowned out everything else. Even the sounds of nature seemed to shrink away. All that was left was the pain, and the distant hum of the air-conditioner.

* * *

Sweat flew off her as she dodged back and forth, hard eyes locked on the slowly swinging heavy-bag in front of her. A fist jabbed out lightning fast, then again, sending the bag backwards abruptly. Her eyes stung and the shirt and shorts she wore were plastered to her body, but she was beyond caring. As much as she tried to forget, all she saw, all she had seen the past week was his face, and those berzerk eyes as he stood up to her for the first time she remembered.

Her fist lashed out again, then she stepped forward to deliver a left hook that sent the bag reeling, before leaping to the side to dodge its return swing. Despite how well she was conditioned, her breath came in heaves, indicating just how long she had been practicing. That moment when he was threatening her, that had been the first time he had looked at her and her alone. She had been his singular focus, all that mattered, the invader that was threatening his peace.

"Peace," she spat, delivering a series of punches and a kick that sent the bag spiraling off in a new direction. What peace could be had in this farce in which they now inhabited? The only thing close to peace she had found was her link to her mother, and the time they shared during harmonics tests, activation experiments, and battles.

She let the memory of her last engagement play out in her mind as she punished the bag in front of her. It had been perfect, flawless. Without waste, as she would have put it in a previous life. It was the first battle that was a decisive win for her, one in which she had played the main role. She kneed the bag, which had wandered closer than she liked, shoving herself off it as she gave herself more room.

_Verdammt! I'm better at this, I've trained for this! Why is it that my success begins only after the end of the world?_ She continued beating mercilessly on the imaginary opponent before her, one that was increasingly begin to take on the face of the First.

Insanity. His eyes had mirrored the insanity she recognized in her own. He was insane, or some part of him was insane, and he had apparently become the incarnation of time. Her punches and kicks turned vicious, driving the bag before her as she released all the anger, hatred, and fear she had felt since that incident. _Fear..._ Grunting as she delivered blow after blow to the hapless bag, her actions and breathing turned frantic as she tried to erase the visions playing through her head. The sweat had nearly blinded her, and she lost control completely, throwing herself bodily onto the bag with a barely restrained shriek of fury. The bag finally surrendered and came loose from where it was attached to the ceiling of the training room deep in the Geofront. She flailed at the fallen bag uselessly as she sat astride it, her fists finally losing strength until she collapsed over it, leaning her forehead against its sweat-slick surface, shutting her eyes tightly as she held back her raging emotions, her breath finally slowing as she rested.

He was in control now. She could feel his spreading influence, how he had changed things, like dark shadows creeping up, surrounding her. Malevolent shadows. She shivered once, sweat falling from her eyelashes as her mouth quivered for a moment.

_I don't care. Whoever, or whatever you are now, you can't come between me and mama, and that's all that matters._

* * *

Warmth.

He had never sat and ate a meal at a kotatsu before. The classical Japanese heated table in this case was large enough for the four who sat around it, their legs underneath the blanket that covered the table itself to hold in the heat. Near-meaningless chatter wafted back and forth as he savored the food itself.

_So this is a normal family life._ The man to his left was laughing, and had just turned to face him. The boy dutifully began listening.

"You did an excellent job out there, Shinji. The retrieval went nearly picture-perfect from what I understand."

"Thank you, sir."

"Please," the man insisted, "under my roof, call me Ginjiro."

"-alright..."

The man received a warning glare from his daughter. Shinji looked for some conversation topic that wouldn't lead to trouble.

"Mrs. Takahashi, I really like the tempura, how long do you leave the vegetables in the cooking oil? It's really good..."

"Oh!" the woman covered her grin with a hand and giggled a bit. "Why don't you ask Akira, she helped cook..."

"...oh, really?" He looked at his classmate and immediately regretted the questioning emphasis he had put on the 'really.' The girl blushed and smiled.

"Shinji, Akira didn't tell me you liked to cook," Mr. Takahashi boomed, turning to his wife.

"Yes, such a talented young man," Mrs. Takahashi beamed, turning to Akira, whose blush deepened in expectation. "He such a fine catch, daughter-"

"Mom!"

"True as that may be," Mr. Takahashi continued, his eyes twinkling, "I won't tell you any more about the mission," he assured a very red Akira. "The rest of it is classified, so you'll have to come up with further conversation topics on your own."

Akira gave an embarrassed little shriek, laying her head in the crook of her arm, her blush having crawled its way down her neck. Something about watching her suffer reminded him of the teasing he himself had suffered at the hands of his two former house-mates. A part of him wanted to comfort her, while another part of him wished he had never accepted the invitation in the first place. His sympathy grew, finally overcoming his shyness.

"Don't worry about it," he said, grinning a bit and covering her hand with his own. "I've gotten a lot worse than this back home..." He was referring to Misato's, but they probably thought he meant his own family. It wasn't until her head jerked up a little that he realized he might have gone too far by touching her.

"Oh, how forward," Mrs. Takahashi said, covering another grin and giggling some more.

"Hey, treat my daughter well, Mr. Ikari," Mr. Takahashi warned, his eyes turning mock-serious. Before Shinji could take his hand off hers, Akira grabbed it, dragging him to his feet.

"You're done, right?" she asked, though he could tell it wasn't really a question.

"Uh, yeah-"

Akira pulled and he followed, recognizing her desperate yearning to escape the tormentors.

"What's this, taking him to your room already?" Mrs. Takahashi's laughing eyes followed the two teenagers.

"Nooo!!" Akira immediately reversed directions, heading for the front door and dragging Shinji behind until he got his feet beneath him.

Only after leaving the house far behind did she slow down and regain some semblance of calm. It was only at this point that he began wondering about his class-mate's motives, and at the same time, what his own intentions were concerning Akira, or Rei for that matter. Akira had been casual enough when she had invited him over for supper that it hadn't sounded to him like anything more than a friendly meal. _Not that I have a clue when it comes to girls,_ he thought glumly. Now it looked more and more like he had been brought to meet her parents, as any couple normally would._ Couple._ She had been more and more friendly towards him the past week, and he had been naïve. With the aid of hindsight, he recognized her actions since he had behaved the same towards Rei in the recent past. _And that's worked so well up till now, _his demon helpfully reminded him.

"I'm sorry you had to endure my perverted parents," she said, unknowingly interrupting his musings as they walked along. "I don't know why I thought it would be a nice quiet meal..."

"...ah, it's okay," he said, putting his left hand in his pocket. He was quite aware that she was still holding his right.

"Honestly!" She exclaimed. "It's like they're so desperate to marry me off to some good prospect and get me out of the house. Not that I'd mind marrying you, but..." it took a half second for her brain to catch up. "NOOO!!" she wailed, snatching her hand from his and covering her mouth in horror. "I didn't mean that! I didn't- I mean, not that I _wouldn't_ mind- GYAAH!" She collapsed to her knees, covering her face with her hands. "...geez, it never ends, this is so embarrassing!" She let her breath out in one long sigh, lowering her hands to her knees and opening her eyes. She was surprised to see Shinji sitting cross-legged on the ground to one side of her. She laughed once. "Well, I guess I don't have to worry so much about confessing, right?" The way he gave her an embarrassed smile before looking away into the distance was all the answer she needed. "You already have a girlfriend, don't you?"

He was silent for several seconds. "I wonder about that," he finally said. She didn't press him, seeing the pain on his face. "It's just..." he paused, obviously searching for the right word. "-complicated. It's all my fault. Mostly my fault," he corrected himself a second later. For a moment her devious side pushed her to take advantage of this opening, but the forlorn expression on his face quashed her jealousy. It hurt her to see him hurt like this.

"Shinji, you're the nicest guy I know," she said softly, trying to draw his eyes up to meet hers. "I have a hard time believing you'd hurt anybody." She put a hand on his shoulder, and when he flinched and looked up at her, her heart constricted. The momentary fear in his eyes dwindled down, and even though he tried to put on a reassuring smile, she could see the unease simmering in the background.

_What happened to make you like this?_ She wondered helplessly. The silence lingered, and she dropped her arm back to her side.

"It's getting pretty late," he commented, obviously trying to get past the discomfort he'd unwittingly brought to the shared mood. "I'll walk you back home."

"Alright," she replied.

* * *

Darkness... then a point of awareness towards which she rose. Senses came back in stages, first touch, and the usual slight chill as her body came to wakefulness. Sound and smell came almost simultaneously as the chill lingered past what she was used to. She blinked once, then twice, unconsciously reaching over to her right. Her hand was already past the point of no return before she remembered her situation with Shinji. A moment of panic overtook her as time slowed, and she wondered what his reaction would be to her touch.

Too far. Her hand had passed through where he should have been, and found nothing except cold sheets. She shivered, turning over and looking, just to be sure. Her eyes did not lie, nor did her questing hands. The sheets and pillow were cold, informing her of the obvious, that he had not slept the night there. It took only a moment for this to sink in.

_I did not dream._ This brought a profound sorrow, and a heaviness to her heart. The dreams, the one thing that had bound him to her side, were gone, and she did not know whether to be sad or relieved.

Her eyes wandered down to his futon, no longer neatly made up. She slipped from beneath the covers, coming to her knees at the head of the lumpy fold-able mattress. Reaching out, she pulled his pillow to her chest and face, closing her eyes as she let his lingering scent wash over her. _Why? _She begged, to whom she did not know. A tear slipped down her face, where it was absorbed by the soft material she clutched to herself. More came, and she set the pillow aside suddenly, unwilling to leave evidence of her sorrow.

_It's not his fault,_ she told herself. _Not completely._ It was obvious to her what she had to do. There was one person, one entity, to whom the majority of blame could be assigned. She stood, discarding her sleeping clothes in a trail behind her as she made for the closet, and her two remaining clean uniforms.

Dressing methodically, she considered the past days. She had been forced to discontinue their shared training. It had not been so traumatic, or at least she told herself so, because he already knew enough to practice on his own. Such a change had been coming, it was just a bit earlier than expected. What had not been expected was when he had stopped coming to train gymnastics with her. It was his withdrawing that troubled her, especially since he almost never made such decisions on his own. He made so few moves toward her, that such moves away brought a hurt she could not readily extinguish. _What am I to him?_ Yet another question she could never ask, for fear of the answer.

_Will he ever reach out to me again? Me alone, and not Lilith?_

* * *

With his eyes closed, Shinji could not see the soft low light that emanated from the circular wall surrounding him. He could feel his mother distantly, as if reaching through fog, or seeing her outline on a far-away hill, but that was normal considering the distance between him and the Eva itself. What was not normal was that the more he tried to focus his attention on her, the more thoughts kept coming between them.

Beside him, Rei's plug was empty. Asuka's eyes had taken on a manic gleam when she saw the he was the only other who had arrived. He had expected her to say something derogatory about her absence, but she said nothing. The German pilot had been treating him a bit cautiously the past week, and had nothing to do with Rei at all, especially during school. He had felt her eyes on him at various times throughout the day, but when he turned to look, she was staring down at her workbook. He knew the girl was a ticking time bomb, but he figured it would be more dangerous to try to apologize or talk to her about what had happened.

As the day of Israfel's attack drew closer, Shinji had done little but wonder about how things might go down. There was no telling what Asuka would do when they were sent out against the Angel, and when they lost, not if, but when, what then? He had forgotten the dance moves they had practiced together, and it didn't matter since Ritsuko had yet to program them into the Eva's computer link. That wasn't even supposed to happen until the second battle anyway.

He was a better pilot than he had been the first time, and he knew Asuka had improved judging by her sync scores and how she had performed against the aquatic Angel. But would they be able to improvise and win in the upcoming battle? It was just one more worrisome unknown.

_It doesn't matter. I'll find out today, in any case. If the Angel keeps to schedule..._

Other unknowns wandered their way through his mind. Images of Rei moving lithely across the blue practice mat. It had been days since he had stopped practicing with her. He had desperately wished things could have stayed the same, but every time he was with her, it felt more and more like he was on the outside looking in. The previous night he had even lost the courage to sleep beside her. Stuck between the nightmares and the coldness from a very real Rei, he had chosen the nightmares. When they failed to appear, it only brought a deeper sense of melancholy, now that there was nothing that bound her to him whatsoever.

_I guess it's only a matter of time before she throws me out._ He saw the pain in her eyes whenever they were near, and hated himself for it. _I'm causing this, so it's better for me to go. I can't keep hurting her like this._ They almost never spoke now, and when they did it was with single words, and never about the incident. _Why did I have to kiss her?_ Emotions caught in his throat bringing a dull pain that grew stronger by the minute. _She wanted me to reach out to her, but when I did, I only caused her pain. What do I do now?_ He repeated the question over and over, but got no answer, from himself or his mother. Just a steady sense of worry as the intruding images kept him from properly synchronizing.

Some time later when LCL level began to fall, he came to himself. Muzziness clung to him as the door slid up noiselessly, letting in the cold air. He shivered, trying to clear the cobwebs from his mind as the crane fastened itself to his plug-seat and lifted him through the air over the lake of purple coolant. It came to rest, and he stumbled off the chair, nearly falling against Ritsuko, who caught him by the shoulders, looking at him with worried eyes.

"Come with me," she said simply, when his vision cleared and his legs steadied. He followed her numbly. He could almost forget he was reliving his life, things were so different. They came to a door, which she opened, and turned to face him. "Wait in here," she said with unusual calm. He stepped in and heard the door close and lock behind him with a click.

He took in the room, which was small cold and barren except for a fluorescent fixture overhead and a single metal table and chair. He sat down, putting his arms on the table, and his head on his arms. Despite the coldness of the LCL dripping from him, and the harshness of his surroundings, sleep came for him rather quickly.

Some unconscious part of him knew that two adults watched him through hidden monitoring devices, but it only brought a vague sense of worry to his restless dreams.

"Where did he learn martial arts?" one asked.

Silence, then a careful answer.

"_When_, I think, is the better question, Fuyutski-sensei."

"Hmph. In any case, he didn't learn all that well."

Gendo seemed to ignore his old teacher's subtle attempt at humor.

"He has been under surveillance almost non-stop when he is not in the Geofront, and he only comes here for harmonics tests and his other NERV work."

More silence.

"Could he have learned it before he came here?"

"Unlikely." The answer was almost immediate. "Extremely unlikely."

"Well," the other man spoke carefully, "...two of our pilots have effectively neutralized each other for the time being. We can't afford to rule out anything at the moment."

"True. More true than you know..."

* * *

Fear.

Fear, and perhaps a touch of excitement at how outlandish her actions were compared to her normally strict life. This was on top of the sorrow and hopelessness she felt whenever she thought of Shinji, which was quite often. Her slowing heartbeat still thundered in her ears as she tried to settle her mind into proper pattern for meditation. She sat cross-legged in one of the forested areas of the Geofront, errant breezes moving strands of her hair.

_I skipped my harmonics test for this,_ she argued to whatever part of her subconscious was listening at the moment. Arguably, neither the test nor any of the Commander's other orders were as important as the problem she currently faced. She opened her eyes, releasing her breath which she had unconsciously been holding. With a sigh, she stretched her hands above her head, bringing them down and out to her sides as she performed the gestures to one of the calming exercises that had been taught to her. Bringing her hands back to her lap, she closed her eyes and let her worries slip away, as best she could anyway.

_Nothing matters,_ she told herself._ Whether they find me now or later, wherever they take me, I can still perform the required technique. Here or in a cell, nothing matters._ Finally able to release her senseless worries, she felt herself going into the required trance.

The dark presence was there, as it always was, just out of her grasp, like a wisp of smoke moving in the breeze whenever one tried to approach it. Fear snuck its way past her defenses as she considered what was required. She had always been extremely cagey in any dealings she had with the intruding alien aspect of her being. It was a constant battle to keep the presence from completely changing her, transforming her into what, she did not know. Fear and tight discipline were the only things that had kept her who she was, at least this had always been her perspective. The pressure in her mind was sometimes intense, other times almost nonexistent, but never lapsing to the point where she could completely relax her guard.

Tentatively she reached out, empowering her probe with the frustration and anguish she had felt the past week.

_Why?_ She silently entreated. _Why now, of all times? Why have you destroyed my happiness?_ She did not really expect an answer. In truth, she half-expected an attempt on her mind itself, and in some ways she had resigned herself to such a fate. It would be a kind of nothingness to no longer be in control of her life. To no longer have a vested interest in what happened to her, or those around her.

Certainly her life could not get much worse than the mess she had gotten herself into.

_That was not my thought._ She played it over again, feeling the subtle sarcasm, the myriad little points of interest attached to each word. _This is all Lilith's fault._ She felt a kind of negativity about that statement, as if it were a lie, or deceptive in some way. _We were happy,_ she insisted. _Before the kiss, we were happy._ Again, a negative, a denial. _I was happy._ The denial was weaker, but still there.

_I was comfortable with the way things were,_ she finally thought. No errant thoughts corrected her. _But I was not the only one involved. Was not Shinji comfortable?_ A kind of wavering, or vacillating. _I do not know. I never asked,_ she realized. They did not talk a great deal, and always avoided complex relational topics. _Because it was comfortable._

Are you comfortable now?

It was the clearest thought she had yet received, and it astounded her with its clarity and strength. _Why are you interfering?_ She clearly formulated the thought.

I am not interfering.

The statement seemed so blatantly false that it took her a moment to discern the statement's true purpose. _You are not me,_ she insisted, strengthening her defenses. _You are separate, and unwanted._ False, and false. She nearly dropped out of her trance, such was her frustration, but before she could respond, images assaulted her. Shinji, his face peaceful as he succumbed to Third Impact. Shinji, the feel of his lips accepting hers for just a moment, as Lilith used her mouth to kiss him.

He enjoyed it.

_That's not true._

Even now he wants to taste it again.

With a choked sob she came out of her trance in time to feel gentle but firm hands pull her to her feet.

Section Two.

She did not fear, knowing that the presence of the Angel would keep the Commander from replacing her for the moment. Unless she truly angered him.

* * *

Shinji awoke to Ritsuko's sharp voice.

"Why, Shinji?"

He winced, rubbing at the slight crick in his neck.

"...what-"

"Don't 'what' me young man," she snapped. "Asuka's out there, fighting."

"She's-"

"She's fighting, and losing," Ritsuko continued. "And she has no backup."

It was the wrong word to use.

"I don't want to talk about it," Shinji said, laying his head back in his arms, turned away from her.

"What did you two do to each other?" Ritsuko's voice dropped to a whisper. She was referring to Rei, but the question would have worked for Asuka as well. "Talk to me, Shinji. While they'll still let me see you..."

He didn't. Some time later, he heard retreating footsteps and the click of a door locking.

* * *

Through one-way glass, Gendo and Fuyutski watched Rei. She was sitting cross-legged, her face changing subtly every so often.

"She's..." Fuyutski began, but did not finish.

"Meditating," Gendo finished, as a hint of a smile crossed the young girl's face, followed by a bit of wetness at the edges of her eyes. "At least she's still fighting." A deep bass rumble echoed through the structure around them. A phone buzzed, and Fuyutski picked up the receiver, putting it to his ear. After a few seconds he replaced it in its cradle, his hand resting on it momentarily before he withdrew it.

"The Angel's been stopped." By an N2 mine, was the unspoken thought.

"The Second?"

"Successfully recovered after her plug ejected."

"...and Unit-02?"

"Disabled," Fuyutski replied.

* * *

Shinji awoke to the sound of a door slamming. He looked up in time to see Asuka's stormy visage. She crossed the room to where he sat, and with brutal efficiency sent him to the beyond.

He awoke on the beach with his fellow pilots, in the by-now-quite-familiar limbo of post-Instrumentality. But at least the crick in his neck was gone.

Shinji sat, looking by turns embarrassed and confused.

"You lost," he finally said.

"Bra-_vo_, mister obvious." Asuka sat, arms crossed, her features angry. She studied him, judging that he wasn't nearly as apologetic or dejected-looking as was required. "I had no backup," she said, emphasizing the word and watching him flinch. "...as usual." Her eyes bored into the side of his head. "Why is that?" After a few moments of careful scrutiny, Rei looked to one side, unwittingly meeting Shinji's eyes. The boy turned away with a sigh. Asuka noticed this, and immediately flew into a rage. "Oh Gott-dammit!" She stood, her hands on her hips, her hair blowing in the wind. "What, is the marriage on the rocks?!" She looked from Rei to Shinji, finally turning away in exasperation. She looked into the gloom for a time, brushing her unruly hair out of her face. Finally she turned, her expression grim, eyebrows drawn down. She picked the hapless boy up by his collar, also dragging Rei to her feet.

"You two are going to work... whatever-this-is... out." She shoved them across the beach into the night. "You two got us into this mess," she shouted after them. "You two are going to get us out! I refuse to fight a useless unwinnable battle!"

The two walked along the beach until the sound of Asuka's distant grumbling was washed out by the surf. Shinji found a bit of humor in her tirades, now that circumstances weren't so dire. Now that he could effectively pause life whenever he wanted. Their lives had become timeless, but Asuka was still in a hurry. Same as always.

"I'm sorry we never talked about our feelings." Rei reminded him of her presence, bringing him a twinge of guilt. The feeling subsided almost immediately, since there was really no reason for hurry.

"It's not all your fault," he said.

"No," she said after a time. "But I am partly responsible." Silence, except for the washing of red waves over the white sand a few feet to their left. "I like the feelings you bring me," she began, looking down as she walked. A curious lump rose in his throat as he listened to her words, as if he had lost something indefinable, or was about to lose something. "Fear. A kind of fear," she amended quickly. "Closer to excitement. Excitement at the unknown. Whenever we are together, I experience new things." Her words both uplifted him, and sent him into despair, since it was his own reaction that had driven her away, at least in his own mind. "I discover parts of myself I never knew." She met his eyes, latching onto them. "I like you," she said, and the words sent a jolt through him, as if he had touched a live wire. "When I consider all the possibilities, and the different paths I might take through life, some are with you, but many are without." His entire body was rapidly going numb at the direction he knew the conversation was taking. "A life alone, or a life with others, all the paths without you are dim. I can't conceive of walking any of them." She finally released his eyes, perhaps unwilling to watch, and instantly receive his response to her words. Her stoic attitude had deteriorated through the short speech until at the end, where her words were so full of emotion it hurt to hear them. "I love you," she finally said.

He fought through the molasses of his thoughts, looking for something, anything to say. He knew his silence affected her, almost an answer in itself. The moment passed even as he was desperately trying to push words from his mouth, and he saw it go, receding into the distance. Sorrow overtook him, but somehow amidst the pain he felt it was for the best. He was broken, damaged goods, and she deserved better. He surrendered his anguish and spoke honestly.

"I don't know what love is, anymore," he admitted. "Back when, _he,_ said those words to me, and what came after, I... just don't know." He knew that she knew he was talking about Kaworu. "My life was empty until I began piloting Eva. If I care for someone like that, again, what if they also ask me, ask..." He stopped momentarily finding the courage to continue. "Why did he want to die?" he asked, plaintively, even though he knew she didn't have an answer. "If he loved me, why did I have to choose between my own life and his?" He looked at the side of her head, her blue hair, her slowly blinking eyes. She finally turned to face him.

_Will you ever do that to me? _He couldn't ask. Even the possibility of a 'yes' was too much. If she had said "I don't know," it would have been just as bad. She could not have said no. He knew that, because he knew her sense of utter truthfulness, and that she would not lie just to make him feel better in the moment.

"I like being around you, too," he said. "Isn't..." She looked away, but he continued. "-isn't that enough?"

"No," she answered, having stopped walking. "...but it's enough that I've told you my feelings."

She turned and walked off into the night. He sank down until he was sitting in the sand and watched until her slender form was swallowed by the darkness.

_What should I be feeling, right now?_

He knew what he wanted to feel. He wanted to return her love with his whole heart. He wanted nothing more than to feel what it was she obviously felt. At the moment, he felt so tranquil it was scary. He turned his sight inwards, closing his eyes and centering himself. For one long eternal split second he was plunged into a hurricane of feelings that nearly scoured the imaginary flesh from his dreaming-body.

He opened his eyes, picking himself up into a sitting position on the beach, his breath ragged as he tried to get his breathing back under control. His head sank back down on his arm, all his strength gone for the moment. His eyes were hot, but he couldn't cry. He wanted nothing more than to tell her he loved her, and mean it. She would see the truth and love in his eyes, and for the first time he would see the happiness he had brought her. There would be a little wetness in her eyes as she closed them, and leaned forward. They would kiss, for the first time free of all shackles, free to love each other, no longer worrying about anything or anyone.

His shoulders shook, but still he couldn't cry. He made little noises, the grief desperate for any outlet it could find. He almost didn't feel the hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay."

The touch was a bit ginger at first, then it relaxed.

"Come on, be strong. I know you can be strong, I've seen it before."

He was beyond thinking logically. He turned and fell on the presented shoulder. She stiffened, but when she did not feel any tears, and when it was obvious that was as far as he was going, she slowly untensed her muscles, and let him stay there for the time being.

Heaven help him if he tried to cop a feel.


	7. Misunderstanding

"Six months."

"Huh?"

"Rei always wondered how long it would take for the blood to diffuse so the oceans would stop being red. Well, it looks like the answer is six months."

"Geez, you sure know how to ruin a perfectly good sunset, don't you?!"

---Excerpt from _Conversations With Asuka,_ published circa post Third Impact, after society returned to normal, or at least as normal as a society can get after briefly becoming a mass-consciousness.

* * *

Chapter 7 – Misunderstanding

Preread by Fanf1cFan

Deep inside the embattled city of Tokyo-3, past the retracted buildings and the the multiple layers of hardened armor, inside a small room a group of adults and one Child watched the display intently as it replayed the final moments of the battle that had just taken place. On the screen Unit-01 could be seen, held from behind by one half of Israfel. The other half of the menacing Angel was off-screen somewhere torturing Unit-00. Or at least that is what one would surmise judging from the screams. In the background were reports of an N2 strike on its way. At this point the back of Unit-01 exploded, sending the Angel flying backwards. The Eva was a blur of movement as it headed for Rei's position. The view followed as best it could, before it was washed out by the expanding purple-white sphere of the exploding N2 munition.

"A daring maneuver," Fuyutski murmured, as much to himself as for the others' benefit.

"It left his back completely exposed!" argued Misato, unwilling to add a semi-positive note the the boy's reckless action. "It'll take twice as long to repair!"

"But how did he separate the ejection sequence into its two parts? Obviously his plug never left the Eva, so..." Maya's question died away, and from the looks of her face, wheels were turning.

"Hmph!" Asuka's scowl belied her grudging acceptance of her fellow pilot's unusual maneuver. "Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day...!"

"What do you mean?" Ritsuko asked, turning to face Asuka. "He lost...."

"Well of _course_ he lost!" Asuka put her hands on her hips, her smirk widening. "You didn't honestly expect those two to win, did you? It's a wonder they even survived!" The smug redhead turned to face the screen again. "I consider it a win for them to even walk away with their lives!" Ritsuko's eyes lingered for a moment before she turned away, ignoring the girl's antics. "Hey!" Asuka yelled, crossing her arms. "Just because your precious super-computers didn't predict this doesn't mean you can just ignore me! I want a little respect! You're talking to the last hope of defeating that thing out there..."

"They know, Asuka..." Misato's quiet voice to her side startled her.

"Whuh...?" Asuka jerked around, calming down a moment later.

"Think about it from their point of view, and try not to rub it in, okay?" Misato's face bore not a little chagrin. "...and you need them as much as they need you..."

The girl seemed to consider this for a moment before responding.

"Where is he?" Asuka acted as if she hadn't heard Misato even as she took the woman's advice. It was about as much compromise as she was willing to make.

"You mean Shinji?"

"-of _course_ I mean Shinji! Who else would I be talking about?!"

"He's in room 307, but-" Asuka had already turned to leave, and Misato was too tired to argue further.

As she marched down the hall, Asuka considered how satisfying the past day had been. Shinji and Rei had been put in their place, and now the MAGI had the data they needed to construct a battle plan for when she fought alongside Shinji. And all of it had been accomplished without her being humiliated. Everything would be perfect were it not for the blatant favoritism that had gone on right before her eyes. Shinji had only just awoken from a concussion, and Rei was recovering from a partially dislocated shoulder. No one would chew out Rei, because she was the Commander's favorite, and they all tiptoed around Shinji for fear of hurting his precious sync-score, which was still recovering from its previous drop. It was enough to make her retch, considering the chewing-out she had suffered when she and Shinji had been defeated so long ago. She burst through the hospital door, startling Shinji awake. A cursory glance told her that Rei was not present.

"Your wife's not here taking care of you?" Asuka's words dripped with sarcasm, and Shinji responded, even knowing he was behaving exactly as she wanted.

"She's not my wife," he said tiredly.

"What, getting a divorce already?" she taunted.

"...um, shouldn't we be focused on getting along?" he asked warily. "We have a battle in-"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," she replied, looking down at him dismissively. "If you make us fail, I'll just have to keep killing you until we get it right!"

"Shouldn't you be watching what you say?" he murmured in an undertone. "There might be listening devices-"

"You just leave all that counterespionage stuff to me!" Asuka declared haughtily. "I've forgotten more about that than you'll ever know..."

Shinji tuned her out. It wasn't like she mattered, anyway. Like she said, he would die until they got it right. Or until they were discovered. More importantly, what about Rei? His last conversation with the girl had been right before her final battery of tests before she would be allowed to leave the hospital. He still remembered her cool reply as to whether they should reset.

"_No. We cannot beat it in our current state, and I do not wish to keep trying. Only in a second battle, with the MAGI's help, would we have a chance, and my Eva will not be repaired in time. Simply retrying that first battle over and over will bring no results."_

He had managed to protect her by interposing his AT-field just before the N2 mine had exploded, saving her mangled Eva from the worst of the blast effects, but she was still wounded. She had been behaving more coldly to him ever since they both had been informed that he would have to move in with Misato and Asuka to begin training for the next battle against the disabled Angel. His mental musings were interrupted by Asuka grabbing hold of his cheeks, squeezing them together so he looked like a fish.

"Hey!" she exclaimed. "Don't you zone out on me! Every word that comes out of this perfect mouth is important...!"

"You know, becoming immortal sure hasn't helped your attitude," he grumbled.

"Fine, be that way!" she dropped his head back onto the pillow and turned abruptly, her hair swishing as she walked to the door. She turned back, sparing him a glance. "Just try not to embarrass me too much, 'kay?"

He closed his eyes, inwardly smiling at her attitude, then briefly wondered at his own reaction to the return of the old Asuka. If this had been his old life, he would have been feeling embarrassed and put-out, and would be trying to figure out some way to get back into her good graces.

_Normalcy,_ he decided. _This is normal._ This was the Asuka he knew. Her shield of brashness was back up, which probably meant her pride had recovered. It was something familiar amidst the sea of strange in which he found himself. It was good that she had recovered some of her old haughtiness. At least someone was getting something good out of the present circumstances.

* * *

Emotion tightened his throat as he stepped over the threshold of what had, at one time, been home for him. It would be his home once again, at least for the near future.

"Well, roomie, this is it!" Misato flounced down into a chair in the living room, her beer can hissing as she deftly opened it one-handed. "That room there is Asuka's," she gestured with the can towards a closed door with the familiar "Asuka's Lair" sign on it. "-and that one's yours!"

He eyed the door warily, as if a sudden memory might jump out. She had already tacked a piece of paper to to it with the expected wording on it. He pushed open the door to "Shin-chan's Lovely Suite" and set down the cardboard box that held all his worldly belongings. Stepping back to the door of his room, he cast a critical eye over the apartment. She had reduced the clutter to a livable level, at least.

"Well, there's only one more thing to do before you're a full member of Misato's Crib," the woman said, burping delicately. "Distribution of chores!" she exclaimed, punching both fists into the air, crushing the empty Yebisu can in one of them. "Now, just shimmy over here and we'll-"

"Misato."

"-huh?"

"I'll cook, and I'll keep my own room clean, but that's it."

The woman's crestfallen expression was only momentary.

"You can cook??" One could practically hear the little hearts at the beginning and end of the question.

"We need to go to the store," he noted.

"Hey!" Misato exclaimed. "What's wrong with what we got?"

"Okay..." Shinji gave her the benefit of the doubt and walked over to the refrigerator, pulling it open. "It's all instant," he observed, trying to sound surprised. "Like I said," he repeated, looking back up with a bit of a grin. "We need to go to the store."

"-hehe!" She covered her mouth as she opened another can. "Good thing you didn't open the other one."

_I'll bet,_ Shinji thought but did not say. _Is this is all my foreknowledge is good for? Picking the right refrigerator? _He suppressed a chuckle.

"What's funny?"

Apparently not well enough.

"Believe me, you don't want to know."

After the two returned from their shopping trip, it did not take Asuka long at all to sashay her way through the kitchen ostensibly to get something to drink. As she walked by where Shinji was standing by the counter, she glanced over, almost as an afterthought. He continued calmly cutting whatever it was he was cutting on the counter. Not getting a response, she dropped the subtleness and poked her nose over his shoulder. Still no response.

"What's that?" The trademark "don't care" in her voice didn't quite cover her curiosity. She had seen him make Japanese noodles enough to know that this wasn't that. In fact, what he was doing was maddeningly familiar, but she couldn't quite place it.

"Dinner."

"Well of _course_ it's dinner, I know that...! Oh never mind..." She left the room in a huff, wondering where his level-headedness had come from. It wasn't just that he stuttered less, or that he actually answered questions without meekly backing down. Normally she could have weaseled any information she wanted out of him, but now he seemed more collected. Certain buttons that she used to be able to push weren't there any more.

Not until half an hour later did she finally puzzle out what he was making. The door to Asuka's Lair slid open, she having judged from the aroma that supper was nearly ready. She had been eating out far more often than she had liked the past months, just because actually eating Misato's cooking was a sure death sentence. She glanced over at the stove before sitting down. A pot full of boiling lentils, another pot of boiling water in which Shinji was carefully cooking the noodles, and a frying pan with a very specific kind of sausage sizzling on it.

"Spatzle!" She tried to cover up the hopefulness in the exclamation with as much accusation as she could muster. "When the hell did you learn how to make that?"

Shinji didn't answer as he brought her plate and set it before her. Misato was sprawled in her chair, the aroma of the food (along with some unknown number of Yebisus) having reduced her to a glazed expression with a string of drool hanging from her lip. Asuka considered the mound of German-style home-made noodles covered with lentils, and the bratwurst balanced on the edge of the plate.

"This... isn't the right kind of sausage," she finally got out. It was acceptable, but that was beside the point. Never mind that the perfect sausage for this dish probably wasn't sold in Japan. "You should have taken me with you to the store."

"Weren't you asleep when Misato and I got here?" Shinji set Misato's plate down, snapping the woman out of her stupor. She fell on the plate with a rabid glee that any cook would enjoy watching. Apparently the woman had picked up a taste for German food during her tour of duty in that country.

"You could have woken me up!" Asuka spoke around a mouthful of what had to be the best food she had eaten since she had arrived in Japan. The lentils had a very mild seasoning, leaving her to savor the meat, and how its pungent flavor mixed with the otherwise bland noodle dish. Shinji returned with his plate and carefully began to eat, paying no obvious attention to the effects his cooking had on his room-mates.

"That usually never ends well," he said with a sigh. Asuka eventually gave up trying to hide how good the food tasted.

* * *

Throughout the meal, Shinji couldn't help but notice that Asuka seemed to be on edge. She had seemed more normal the past day following his and Rei's defeat, but he hadn't expected it to last. After Misato had fully retreated to her room to get some extra rest before her next night-shift, Asuka stood. She eyed the woman's door warily, but it stayed shut. Shinji paused, several dirty dishes in his hands as he wondered where this was going.

"-um, what..."

"I'm going for a walk," she declared with her usual flourish. He turned to continue the clean-up. She made it to the door before finally turning in annoyance. "Well?" she questioned him with a touch of exasperation. "You coming or not?"

"...ah, sure, I guess." He put the last of the dishes next to the sink, turning to find Asuka halfway across the room and closing fast.

"Oh, come on, do you always have to be so indecisive?"

She grabbed his arm and dragged him out the door.

Thankfully she stopped dragging him almost immediately, and he had time to enjoy the scenery. And get a good look at his fellow pilot. _Has she gained weight?_ This thought went unexpressed. Naïve Shinji might have been, but even he knew better than to comment about a female's weight. Nevertheless, it made him wonder. _Stress maybe? She was going through some serious stuff near the end, and my thoughtlessness didn't help things._ He wished yet again that he had tried calling her.

He noticed that she had started to glance furtively around, and he looked as well. _No Section Two, they only follow Rei, and us when we go to school._ What else would she be looking for? She suddenly grabbed his arm and pulled him into an alley.

"Asuka, what-" She cut him off in a way he had not expected. She put her right hand on his cheek, and for just a moment her expression softened. That moment was burned indelibly in his mind, the subtle wave of her hair, her eyes locked onto his, the breeze slightly moving her yellow sun-dress. The haunting memory of the last time she had similarly touched him intruded suddenly into his mind, bringing with it the fractured memories of that time. Then she brought her other hand up and snapped his neck.

He sat up, coughing reflexively. The white granular sand stretched into the distance, towards the ruined city on one side, and the bloody water on the other.

"You'll remember that point in time, right?"

He looked over at his companion, whose eyes were once again veiled with the armor of the spirit he knew so well.

"Yeah," he admitted, almost breathlessly. He almost asked her how she knew about that particular facet of his control of things, but she was already explaining.

"Wondergirl told me basically how it works, even if she did clam up afterwards. So now that we're safely out of reach of anybody who might be against us, I want you to tell me everything." She grabbed his eyes with hers before he could fall into his normal routine. "I mean everything, Shinji."

"-alright." He was amazed that his voice wasn't shaking. He had never heard her speak so seriously.

"By the way, where _is_ the First? Isn't she supposed to be here too? Not that we need her here right now..."

"I really don't want to face her right now," Shinji admitted, looking off into the darkness. The moon overhead was reminder enough of how he had failed. After a few moments Asuka posed a logical question with deeper significance.

"So did you exclude her consciously, do you think? Or was it unconscious..." He could hear the importance she placed on the question, even though she asked it casually, yet he could not fathom what point she was trying to make.

"I really don't know," he answered honestly. "Unconsciously, I think. I mean, I realized it when we arrived here and she didn't, but that's it. I didn't plan on it, or say to myself, 'next time I die, I don't want to see Rei.'" Asuka nodded, accepting his words, and then he figured it out. Asuka had not shown up in this place until he had found out she was also in the resets. She was asking him if he had purposefully excluded her. He spoke carefully. "I was so focused on what was going on in front of me, I didn't even once think that you might be in this thing with us," he said, and she cast an appraising eye towards him. "I'm sorry."

She didn't snap at him, this time.

"For once," she said, "I think you mean that. You're not just trying to dodge blame."

He blushed. After a few moments of embarrassed silence, he began to explain what he knew about what was happening.

When he finished, and she had exhausted her questions, he closed his eyes and sent them back. Their consciousnesses returned to the alley, at the exact point they had left. Her hand slid from his face and she turned to go. He stood there, still a bit stunned by her interrogation, and her touch. She turned, outlined by the sunlight spilling into the alleyway they had inhabited for thirty subjective minutes crammed into a split second.

"You coming?" she asked, the usual cheer back in her voice.

"Sure." He found himself in motion, propelled by her beckoning voice. She turned and continued walking, now assured that he was in tow.

"So," she said in a dangerously light voice. "What's for supper? You've set the bar pretty high, you know."

"-ah," at this he began to sweat, for he had not told her his plans. He had not expected for her to even care. The last time they had met, the animosity between them had been obvious. It had surprised him that she could put their problems aside, if only temporarily, to take care of what needed to be taken care of. "Actually I'm going out to eat with Akira. I don't know if you know her-"

"Of _course_ I know her!" Asuka proclaimed testily. "I know every girl in the class! Just 'cause I spend the most time with Hikari doesn't mean she's my only friend..."

"I know," Shinji said hurriedly, falling back into old habits. "That's not what I meant..." Asuka gave a disgusted huff.

"You know she only noticed you because you're an Eva pilot, right?" He ignored the pseudo insult, as he had been trained to do by long association with her.

"She's not that shallow, Asuka," he said tiredly.

"You don't know anything about her!" she yelled suddenly.

"I know she likes to cook." The two of them were nearly back to the apartment by now.

"Hmph." The swirl of mixed feelings that Asuka felt at this sudden revelation was not comfortable. On the one hand he was being more outgoing, but on the other, it wasn't with her. Not that she'd willingly return any overt affection, obviously. She eyed him surreptitiously. _Well, it's true he needs a bit more experience before I'd even consider..._ She wondered exactly what is was she was considering. _Well, anything, really._ "So while you're on your date, what will I be eating?" she snapped.

"I made enough lunch specifically so there would be leftovers," he explained, happy enough that she hadn't gone off the deep end altogether. "-but I don't think it's really a date, she's more like a friend than anything else..." It was the wrong thing to say.

"You're so naïve." Asuka shook her head slowly. "Well, go on then." She gave him a little shove. "You're probably going in _that,_ aren't you?" In fact he had indeed been planning to go in his school uniform.

"-geez, you and Rei both," he muttered. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Asuka made a dismissive gesture. "Well, you're a guy, so it's to be expected." She turned to enter Misato's apartment building.

* * *

Akira's abode retreated slowly behind them, or rather they walked away towards the restaurant she had chosen.

"God, I thought we'd never get away from there," Akira said breathlessly as their pace slowed, now that they were relatively safe from the girl's rather protective and sharp-witted parents. He still remembered being taken aside soon after arriving at the upscale apartment complex where she and her parents lived. Her father had put his arm around Shinji's shoulders and given him a rather stern talking-to. Or at least stern considering his usual jovial personality.

"_Now listen, I know you two are pretty close, but I don't want any funny business."_ The man's joking tone was just barely present, and Shinji had decided the safest thing was to simply smile and agree. _"She's the apple of my eye, and I don't want to see her hurt just because you can't keep yourself under control. I know she's quite attractive, but, well, hohoho!"_ At this point the man must have begun feeling embarrassed, and his usual booming laugh erupted as he gave Shinji a little push towards where Akira's mother was fussing and fretting over her daughter's hair and dress. For her part, Akira was trying desperately to get away with the minimum of fuss, even while doing her best to humor her parents, who she knew were trying to make the night special.

Shinji surreptitiously took a look at his companion. The sleeves of her brightly colored furisode kimono almost brushed the ground as they walked. She felt his stare and turned pink, bringing her hands to her face.

"This is embarrassing, I'm so overdressed..."

"Uh," he scratched the back of his head. "No, I'm the one who should feel embarrassed, I knew I shouldn't have come in my school uniform." A white lie, but oh well. "It looks good on you," he admitted a little softly, taking a longer look now that he had been discovered. Her face turned a bright red and she clung to his arm while trying to hide her face with her sleeve.

"Please, you're making me blush," she wailed. "Everyone's looking at me..."

He couldn't help chuckling at her antics.

"The streets are practically deserted," he said, trying to calm her down. His words distracted her, but in the wrong direction.

"Is it really okay for us to go out like this?" she asked, loosening her grip. Smoke rose in the distance where the Angel languished.

"Sure, it's okay," he reassured her quickly. "Misato and Ritsuko are still working on my training schedule, so..." He looked around as his train of thought died away. "It's okay," he repeated. It wasn't okay, but not for those reasons. Against his will, the only thing he could think about after seeing Akira in a kimono was what Rei would look like if he could ever convince her to wear one. He knew it wasn't fair to Akira for him to think like that, but mere knowledge did not help in this case. They made almost meaningless small talk until they got to the restaurant, yet another thing that was different from any of his relationships so far. He and Rei were usually just comfortable in each other's presence, and while he and Asuka sometimes talked, or rather had talked in his previous life, she always got bored pretty quickly with his choice of conversation topics. But with Akira, for some reason, he could just talk with her. It was one of the things that had led him to get closer to her.

_Why am I still comparing her to Rei and Asuka?_ He dragged his unwilling mind back to the present as the waiter led them to an empty table. As expected, the restaurant was nearly empty, even though it was near time for the dinner rush. This along with his and Akira's age (and her showy kimono) led the restaurant's staff treat them with the utmost attention and care.

"This place is famous for its soba," Akira said, picking up her menu and scanning down through the selections. "I've been in the mood for some good soba for the last few days. Thanks for inviting me..." She lifted her eyes from the menu for a moment, smiling warmly.

"It's no problem," he said, thankfully without stuttering, though his heart sped up a little. "I never properly thanked you for inviting me to eat at your house, so... you know."

A different waiter came to take their order. This amused Akira to no end, since apparently all the waiters were taking turns waiting on them.

"Bet you it's the tall brown-haired one next," she whispered behind a raised sleeve, as she looked surreptitiously towards where a cluster of restaurant staff were talking and giving the couple amused glances every so often. As yet another waiter, who indeed happened to be the tall brown-haired one, brought their soup and noodles, Akira switched back to expounding on her ever-doting parents. Shinji couldn't help but become a little morose at her comments.

"You're really lucky to still have both parents," he said in what he hoped was not a judgmental tone when she finally stopped to pick up a clump of noodles with her chopsticks. She eyed him curiously, with what he thought might be a bit of a sad expression.

"Dad remarried pretty quickly after we lost mom," she said in a more subdued voice, and Shinji could feel the foot he had so quickly shoved in his mouth. With an effort Akira shook off the glum mood. "But you know, dad really would be lost without a woman around," she said a bit too airily, and Shinji felt about as tall as an insect.

"I'm..." He fought down the urge to bolt. "I'm sorry," he finally got out. "That was really stupid of me," he muttered. "I didn't mean to-" he stopped abruptly when she put her hand over his.

"Don't worry about it," she said matter-of-factly, holding his eyes with her own until she was sure he understood. "You didn't know."

"I should've," he said in a more firm voice. "I mean, pretty much everyone in 2-A has lost someone. Touji, Kensuke, Asuka..." Shinji cut off his babbling as Akira's expression deteriorated further. "Damn it, I'm sorry," he spoke dejectedly, resting his head on a hand, elbow propped on the table as he tried to think of a way to salvage the terrible mood he had brought to what was supposed to be a nice meal together.

"Don't," Akira said, her eyebrows drawn down. "Don't blame yourself so much. Everything's not always your fault."

He smiled wanly, and went back to eating his soba before it got cold.

"I guess you're right," he admitted with a sigh. "You're not the first person to tell me that." He viciously suppressed his glum feelings, intent on not ruining the rest of the meal. Akira felt the lingering mood, and tried once more to bring him out of it.

"You know, you're not eating that right," she commented, pointing her chopsticks at his half-empty soup bowl, and the half-empty plate of long stringy noodles. "Eat more enthusiastically, like the Japanese person you are." She picked up a rather long bunch of noodles, dipped them in the soup, and bent down, suddenly slurping them up rather violently, not mindful of the droplets of broth which splashed nearly onto Shinji's lap. He couldn't help chuckling as he brought up a hand reflexively to shield his face. "See, I knew you could smile," she said, continuing to eat.

"So, you're saying I should eat like this..." He picked up a cluster of noodles and mimed Akira's motion, though his actions caused rather more of his broth to travel across the table.

"Aah!" She shied away, trying to protect her expensive clothing. "You're not supposed to actually _try_ to splash the other person!" Her eyes twinkled as she threw a balled up napkin at his head. "Jerk!"

"-oh, s-sorry," he had not even thought of her clothing when he had impulsively copied her motions.

"Stop it, Shinji, it's okay, I can always wash this," she hurried to reassure him, hopeful she had not stifled his attempt to meet her halfway. The bad mood had already lifted, however, and the two continued talking as they ate.

After paying for their meal, Shinji walked her home. He had relaxed so completely, and had been having such a good time that he had not even considered how her arm was threaded through his, at least not until they were walking past one of the small parks scattered through the city. Night had just fallen, and even though it was still early, the slim crescent of the moon was clearly visible in the sky.

His wandering eyes followed the small groups of people that were out enjoying the evening as he made small talk with his companion, but his eyes froze at a moving tuft of blue hair in the distance. The small group of people that had been inadvertently hiding her changed direction, and she also noticed his presence. Their eyes locked, and he saw the gym bag she had been carrying fall from her limp fingers. The faint sheen of perspiration meant she must have just finished a training session. Her mouth was partially open, and he had never seen such a shocked look on her normally placid face. He nearly tripped, and Akira's grip on his arm tightened as she gave him a worried look.

"Are you okay?"

_No._

But... it wasn't like he could talk to her about it. His voice was as frozen as Rei still was. He couldn't speak. Akira followed his gaze to where Rei was standing. Had been standing, he realized. The girl had shouldered her gym bag and was calmly walking away. He could no longer see her face, and while he was glad in a way, he desperately wanted to see her expression. Had she gone back to the blank mask he knew when he had first met her? Or was she crying, something he had so rarely seen her do?

"So she's the one you like so much." Akira's tone was quiet and matter-of-fact, as if she had been expecting this, while at the same time dreading such a meeting. "I-I knew there had to be someone, I just, I don't..." She was looking down, her expression forlorn, and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't comfort her, he needed comforting just as much as she. He couldn't reassure her that Rei was in the past, because she wasn't.

The remainder of the walk home was quiet.

"Don't..." she looked over at him for a moment, then looked away, trying to gather her thoughts. She finally turned her whole body to face him. "Don't look so sad," she insisted. "Let's at least look happy for my parents' sake. They'd be upset if we came home like this." He could do no more than nod, not trusting his voice.

As they approached the apartment building, he could see her parents standing side by side, grinning widely. He and Akira stopped at a discrete distance, just within earshot of them. She leaned in, placing her lips softly on the side of his cheek.

"Thanks for a great evening," she said simply, and when she pulled away, he saw tears at the edges of her eyes. She turned to walk away, and moments later, so did he.

Shinji made it home without further incident, but emotionally drained. After a quick shower, he slipped into bed and closed his eyes, expecting to have to chase sleep for a good long time before finally finding it. As the lights went out in his world, he had no idea of his fellow pilot's trials.

* * *

Heat pulsed through her thermal-protective suit, a constant reminder of just how hot it was in her current environment. There was enough heat to radiate through multiple layers of protective armor, that itself was protected by a specially designed suit through which an obscene amount of coolant was pumped every minute.

_This is a dream._

She knew this with a clarity that was usually foreign in her nightmares. She looked around, astounded by the details that stood out to her. It was amazing that the brain could produce worlds of such depth, that had no basis in reality apart from a distant memory. She tightened her hands around the pistol-grip controls to her sides, wondering at the tactile response that was normally absent in her dreams. The usual dual-vision stood before her eyes, one of the inside of the entry plug, the other overlaid on top, what the Eva saw. What she saw, since she was synchronized.

_I can't confide in Shinji about this._ But she felt a sudden urge, a need to talk. Maybe Misato, if she could catch the woman when she wasn't drunk. It was interesting that she had enough mental clarity to think of such complex thoughts inside a dream. She had been through college, she knew of lucid dreams, even if she had never before had one herself. The sea of orange in which she floated began to darken, then ripple. A shadow passed by her face.

_The Angel,_ she realized. For some reason she felt no fear. She wondered what would happen if she drew her prog-knife, or if it would even work in the dream. _Not that it matters,_ she told her stubborn subconscious. Nothing in a dream could hurt her, at least not physically. The shadow passed by again, more slowly this time. It turned, and she could almost make out the details of the Angel's shape, it opened its mouth once, then turned, drifting before her almost playfully. She reached out a hand, and Eva's gauntleted hand also reached out. A strange sensation played against her fingertips as she brushed the thing's skin, or what passed for skin.

_Mama._

Fear curdled her gut as the word passed through her mind like a whisper.

_Mama..._

The creature's mouth moved this time, as the word was spoken, and her fear blossomed into near-terror.

"What are you?" she whispered, her voice strangely muted. Fractured memories assaulted her mind, of a dark beach, and of Shinji on top of her. He wasn't choking her, he was doing something more personal, more intimate. And she was responding animalistically, returning his primal emotions. They were moving together, against each other, doing what she swore she would never do with a man.

Pressure suddenly expanded in her abdomen, and she gasped, putting her hand over her stomach. There was a noticeable bulge, more pronounced than in real life. Fear swirled around inside her as she considered something far worse than mere weight-gain. For her to be putting on weight was bad enough, but to even consider the other possibility...

She awoke in a sweat, on her side, her hand on her belly, which was thankfully back to the size she remembered. Which was still larger than it should have been. She rolled over onto her stomach to get to a more comfortable position and gasped at the sudden pain in her chest. She sat up, a hand on her still tingling breasts.

_What's happening to me?_ Her thoughts were still in turmoil, partly from the realism of the dream, and partly from her last thoughts before waking up. _It can't be..._ Nausea crawled its way up her throat, and she pushed her legs together, contracting her whole body around her rebelling stomach. She closed her eyes, clamping a hand over her mouth as she breathed in rapid pants, swallowing repeatedly as she fought the sick feeling of the food Shinji had so carefully prepared for her trying to force its way up her throat. She tried to push herself to her feet, but her legs gave way, and she fell weakly to her knees. The sudden motion interrupted her concentration, and her stomach heaved, causing her to retch onto the carpet. Nearly choking, she shuddered as she tried to regain her breath and her strength. She was still coughing when Misato slid aside the door to her dark room with a bang, worry in her expression.

"Asuka, what's wrong?" she asked breathlessly. The girl coughed, grimacing as she swallowed. Misato ran out of the room, only to return moments later with a glass of water. After the girl rinsed her mouth out, spitting onto the floor, she managed to gasp out two words.

"I'm pregnant."

Misato's eyes bulged.

"That's..." she regained her voice, which had started to squeak. "That's not possible! You haven't..." 'slept with someone,' was what Misato wanted to say, but couldn't. She glanced at Asuka's stomach, which was a bit larger than normal, and at the vomit on the floor, and tried once again. "Just because you've gained some weight and got a little sick..."

"I've missed my period by over a month and a half." Asuka's voice was nearly trembling. She couldn't tell Misato that it was because of Shinji's antics with time that she had lost track of when she had last mensed. Her emotions were in a turmoil, and the logical side of her brain told her that it was yet another sign she was pregnant. She knew from college classes that pregnancy caused mood swings. The emotional side of her responded to this logic by wailing inconsolably. She barely managed to avoid bursting into tears.

"-wh-who?" Misato asked. Asuka glanced up at Shinji, who had appeared at the door to her room. Misato followed her gaze, and her eyes bored holes through Shinji's head. "Did," she regained control of her anger. "-did you do this to her?" Misato asked of Shinji, who had been unfortunate enough to have been present when Asuka gasped out that she was pregnant. He was standing there, his expression almost rivaling the shock that had been on Rei's face earlier that night. It wasn't like he could argue, since he had indeed had sexual relations with his fellow pilot. Never mind that it was after they had both awoken from the end of everything, alone and frightened in an empty world. Never mind that it had been in the future, compared to where they were now positioned in time. Never mind that even if he had impregnated her there, in the future, it could not have carried over to now, which was the past. Yet so many strange things had happened to Shinji that he did not question the present circumstances at all. Instead, he did what had at one time been habitual, and was now a somewhat more rare occurrence. He turned and ran.

As for Misato, if she had not been muddled by sleep and by Asuka's symptoms right before her eyes, she would have considered that Shinji and Asuka would have had to do the deed while on board Over The Rainbow for it to be showing now. By the time she had finished tending to Asuka, Shinji had thrown clothes into his backpack and was out the door.


	8. Pigeon of Doom

"Don't try to hide it from me, Shinji, I know you two 'did it'."

"I'm not trying to hide anything."

"I know it hurts, and you really want my forgiveness, but you know I don't respect people who beg."

"I'm not begging."

"-well... well... why the hell not?! Hey, stop smirking! I'll kill you!"

---Excerpt from _Conversations With Asuka,_ published circa post Third Impact, after society returned to normal, or at least as normal as a society can get after briefly becoming a mass-consciousness.

* * *

Chapter 8 – Pigeon of Doom

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Apartment 402. For months it had been his home, back before he had kissed his girlfriend, and thus unwittingly torpedoed their relationship. Shinji sighed, his eyes roaming around the trash-cluttered walkway, his thoughts morose. There was a time when a part of him would have liked nothing more than to be free of the mystery that was Rei, or at least to be free of any romantic entanglement with the enigmatic girl. The corner of his mouth twitched at the irony. When he was with her, he had not even recognized what they had together, but now that he wanted to be near her, he could not.

_Why am I torturing myself like this?_ He raised a hand and knocked on the door, three raps that sounded harsh and hollow in the enclosed space. The twelve second time-span required for her to get out of bed and to the door seemed to be the longest protracted twelve seconds he had ever experienced. _She's asleep, and didn't hear,_ he thought first. _Or maybe she's in some overnight test at NERV._ Another more numbing thought occurred to him. _Maybe she's already been called in, because Misato has informed NERV about Asuka's pregnancy. Maybe Section Two is out looking for me._ The walk to Rei's apartment had been slow, his steps reduced to a trudge by the mind-numbing shocks he had been hit with one after another that day. Any number of things could have happened in the time it had taken to get there.

The situation simplified itself dramatically when a sharp click assaulted his ears, and the door opened five inches. He barely made out the contour of Rei's head, her hair a messy halo in the gloom. She blinked once, then shut the door.

All his hopes were dashed with that act of coldness. He stumbled backwards, his knees weak with relief and sadness. She had cast him adrift, and there was nothing more for him to do. He couldn't go back to Misato's, and he didn't want to go face Ritsuko right now. He didn't want to face anybody. Well, nobody except Rei. Even if she was mad, even if she coldly ignored him, if he could just be in her presence, it would be enough.

His back bumped against the wall facing the door that had just been shut in his face, and he slumped down to the cold concrete of the walkway floor. His vision blurred and swam as he drew his knees up and hugged them. A tear slipped down his face, and he smiled for a brief moment, lips jerking back downwards. The tears finally came when he needed them. Leaning his head back against the cool wall that was his only support, he wept quietly. No noise, really, he just sat there and let the wetness run down his cheeks and drip in his lap.

The sadness was like a pressure in his throat, pushing the tears out, but as he sat there silently crying, he began to relax. This time it wasn't hopelessness that overcame him, it was certainty. No matter what happened, no matter what he had to do, he would always love Rei, and he would never stop trying to win her heart.

_No matter what. I'll never stop loving her, no matter what._ The realization repeated itself over and over in his mind until he fell into a much-needed slumber.

* * *

Maya watched as Ritsuko idly tapped her ever-present clipboard. The woman frowned as she looked through the one-way glass into the room where Asuka lay on a hospital bed. Maya followed her gaze. The white of the room and the bluish light gave the redhead's skin a tone that looked closer to Rei's natural color. The girl was not asleep, even though her eyes were nearly closed. She was gazing distantly, blankly, at the far wall. From what Ritsuko had told her, Maya would have expected the girl to be either raging, or comatose, at least from what she knew of the 'relationship' between the Second and the Third. The exhausted-looking doctor sighed, and Maya considered the messy situation, or at least what she knew of it after talking to Ritsuko.

_The First likes the Third, who appeared to be oblivious to her affections, until he suddenly kissed her, and now she's avoiding him. And to make matters worse, the Second thinks she pregnant with the Third's love child._

She would have burst into hysterical laughter if not for the fate of the world lying in the Children's hands. Ritsuko made a move for the door, and Maya exclaimed.

"You're actually going to tell her??"

Ritsuko stopped, looking at her erstwhile pupil.

"We have to, Maya. It's the only way she'll get better."

Maya could not argue, even if the treatment in this case might be worse than the disease.

_I guess a state of mind can be a disease,_ Maya thought glumly, as Ritsuko exited the room and shut the door behind her. Maya watched as, seconds later, the doctor came into view through the one-way glass. Asuka's eyes refocused, and she glanced at Ritsuko for a moment, almost immediately losing interest. The doctor's mouth moved, then stopped. Asuka looked at her again. Ritsuko's mouth moved again, and Asuka's eyes bulged. Her mouth opened wide, but no sound made it through the sound-proof glass, though Maya did not have to have an imagination to guess what the girl was saying.

* * *

"What the hell do you mean, I'm not pregnant??" Asuka immediately colored, realizing how that statement sounded. Her blush turned back to anger instantly. "What's _this, _then?" Her eyes flicked down to the slight bulge beneath the covers at her midsection.

"Pseudocyesis," Ritsuko answered calmly. "I trust you know what that-"

"Of _course_ I know what false pregnancy is, you, you-"

"-doctor," Ritsuko reminded her sternly, watching with an unhealthy satisfaction as Asuka wilted slightly. "I'm your doctor. If you know about the condition, and its symptoms, then you know what causes it-"

"I sure as hell _don't_ have some inner desire to carry Shinji's kid!" Asuka yelled, desperately squashing whatever small part of her was disagreeing with her statement. Ritsuko's mouth twitched.

"The opposite can also have an effect," Ritsuko reminded her. "The condition can be caused by either one, you know."

False pregnancy. It was often found in animals, but there were human cases, even if it was a rare thing. Usually the condition was reversed by something so simple as showing the patient that she was not with child by means of pregnancy-test, though ultrasound or other imaging techniques were usually more effective, but some cases were persistent, and required actual medication. Asuka seemed to lose her energy, finally accepting the doctor's words, though it was far different from how passive she had seemed before. The doctor considered the difference clinically, trying to be objective.

_Could it be that some part of her actually did want to carry his child?_

* * *

Shinji's dreams were mundane and non-linear, as dreams were wont to be. He had always had a better-than-average dream-recall, especially after becoming a pilot. He usually floated through the night, detached as he observed strange scenes and even stranger beings. Perhaps his memory and observational skills had been enhanced by the training he had to undergo to pilot an Eva, or perhaps not. Perhaps his dream-memory had simply gotten better as he grew up. He had no way to know for sure.

Very often he would dream lucidly, though he had little to no control over the environment, much like waking life. All that changed was that he could traverse strange worlds with an awareness even more vivid than when he was awake. It was a kind of emotional release, since things in dreams could not hurt him, and so he could, for once, release all his waking fears.

It was because of this that he did not put a great deal of thought into it when he saw Rei's face, hazy and distorted as dreams usually are. She was kneeling in front of him, and reaching out a hand to touch his cheek. The pastel of her sleeping shirt and shorts drew his attention as she gently rubbed a finger across the dried tear-tracks down his face. The feel of her fingers was muted somehow, as if she were touching him through a thin blanket.

"Rei, I love you."

The voice sounded distant, though he knew it was his own. He could hear his voice apologizing to her, trying to express how sorry he was that he had hurt her, and how he wished she could somehow forgive him. Her image seemed to swim, as if he were looking at her reflection in rippling water. A sudden sharp impact and stinging pain on his cheek brought a vividness to his thoughts. He blinked dully.

_I'm awake._

And Rei had just slapped him. Her expression was wavering between anger and something else, perhaps sorrow. He flailed his thoughts as she stood and turned her back on him, preparing to leave him alone once more. _Stand up,_ he ordered himself, as she walked towards the door. _Stand up!_ He just sat there, blinking stupidly. It wasn't like there was anything he could do. She would just keep refusing him, until-

He was standing, a hand on her shoulder. She turned fluidly, and slapped him again. He staggered, but did not fall down or turn his head away from her. A flush of momentary fury stood out on her white cheeks, her eyes flaming as they bored into his.

"Hit me as much as you want." He was surprised at his rather steady voice. "I know I deserve it, but it won't make me any less sorry. And it won't make me love you any less."

Her eyes flashed, and she gripped the front of his shirt, slamming him against the wall, nearly driving the breath out of him. He closed his eyes, consigning himself to whatever punishment she decided to mete out. No such punishment came, and after a few seconds, she spoke.

"How could you say that?" He opened his eyes to meet hers. "After what you did, how could you say that to me?" Her anger had cooled, leaving nothing but hurt in her expression.

"It's the truth," he replied, holding her gaze. "I know I've done things that have hurt you, but I love you, and there's nothing that can ever change that. I just wish you could believe me..."

At his words, the strength seemed to slowly go out of her, and her face fell. She was nearly leaning on him, as opposed to earlier when she had held him there against the wall. He was sure she was going to reject him again, and he had braced himself for it, but then her eyes shimmered with wetness and she lowered her head.

"If you truly mean that," she said, her words so low he strained to hear them. "-then you will never again make me feel what I felt when I saw you with Akira." She paused, and everything around him was drowned out by her heartbeat he felt through their shared chest contact. "Please, I do not want to feel that ever again-" Her words stopped when he put his arms around her, his hands meeting near the small of her back. She put her head on his shoulder and wept quietly as he held her.

_I did this to her._ His eyes were stuck on her half-open door, as sorrow battled with relief now that they were at least talking again. He knew better than to think things would go back to normal, whatever that was, and who knew what would happen during the next few days. Shame blossomed once more when he considered Asuka's plight. He had no idea what Rei would think about Asuka's pregnancy, and he wondered how he would ever tell her.

For a few long moments he was at war with himself, fighting against his usual desire to avoid complicated and embarrassing situations. Rei's soft crying and the tears soaking his shirt made the decision for him.

"Asuka's pregnant." The voice didn't even sound like his own, it was too harsh. He hated how ragged he sounded. "-because I had sex with her." There. Somehow he had gotten it all out in the open. Now if only-

"I know," she mumbled into his shirt. "I was there, remember?"

"-ah..." he was shocked past the point of forming intelligible words, but as he thought back, he did remember her standing over the two of them when he had awoken on the beach. "So you're not..." he was nearly numb with relief by now. "-not angry?"

Rei looked up in confusion.

"If you love her, then go to her," she said calmly. "If you-"

"I love _you_, Rei," he exclaimed, hurt on his features. "You-" She cut him off by leaning forward and kissing him. Without any hesitation, he kissed her back. Lilith did not intervene, or show herself in any way, now that she had apparently gotten what she wanted. This time they were just two blushing teenagers hesitantly making out in the dingy hallway outside of Apartment 402.

* * *

"Sempai, isn't there anything more we can do for her?"

Maya watched through the glass as the Second Child slept. Her peaceful features changed ever so often, as if she were having vivid dreams. Or perhaps nightmares.

"We can only hope the medication has more effects than the other treatments."

The 'other treatments' had been extremely detailed images of her internals, showing how her body was putting on weight, partly from stored fat and partly from water retention, in preparation for a living being that would never be born, and indeed had never existed, at least not on any sensors available to NERV. Asuka had been extremely dejected during the entire ordeal, finally snapping at Ritsuko, telling her that knowing with the mind and knowing with the heart were two different things. She obviously accepted intellectually that she was not pregnant, but her body still thought differently.

While Maya worried about the young girl's psyche, she knew Ritsuko was worried about another matter. Whether the girl could still pilot. If she could not, then all hope of defeating the Angel conventionally using Evas was lost. It appeared that a single Eva stood no chance against the beast languishing in the crater left by the N2 munition, and time marched inevitably on while it regenerated. Within the span of a few days they would have to make a decision on whether to use Evas or not.

And if Evas were not used, the situation looked bleak indeed, judging from the rumors of what the Commander's backup plan was.

* * *

Shinji awoke, muzziness still clinging to him as he blinked slowly. The events of the previous night slowly came back to him, and then he became aware of his position in a startled flash. He was lying in Rei's bed in his pajamas, and the girl's head was on his chest, her arm laying over him. Her calm breathing in and out belied the heavy conversation they had the previous night.

_I told her I love her,_ he reminded himself. Even if it had not been under the best of circumstances, and even if her response had been a bit abrupt, it was still out there, in the open now. His cheek still tingled with the remembrance of her slap. But she was not slapping him now. She was sleeping on him, and he no longer wanted to run away. He no longer wanted to think. He just wanted to rest in the arms of the girl he loved. He raised a hand, brushing it through her soft hair as he blinked away tears of happiness.

She murmured, stirring a bit, then turning onto her side. He turned onto his side to face her, putting an arm over hers. They touched foreheads, and as he looked into her eyes and saw his feelings mirrored in hers, his vision swam, wetness falling onto the pillow. It was all he had ever wanted, to understand another, and to be understood. For a moment, all the other cares he had melted away into the background as he enjoyed the present. He realized that at that moment, in that mutual embrace, he had found all he had ever wanted out of life.

He floated through the rest of the morning, breakfast, shower, and clothing himself all melting into a stream-of-consciousness as he tried to hold in his mind that moment of happiness in bed in Rei's arms. It wasn't all that difficult, since whenever he needed reminding, all he had to do was look over at her content expression.

They continued walking towards HQ, each of them in their own way preparing themselves for the day's doubtless-thorough testing and preparation for the next encounter with Israfel.

* * *

Asuka brought her left hand up to her right wrist, contracting the pressure-switch. The hiss of her plug suit contracting around her brought with it sharp momentary pain. Certain parts of her no longer liked being constricted. She released the breath she didn't know she had been holding as the suit equalized, finally allowing her relief.

_Stupid Ritsuko. Stupid Misato. _Neither of them understood. Neither of them had ever been mothers, yet they both pretended. Misato had pretended with her and Shinji, and Ritsuko was apparently even more psychotic in her protectiveness of Shinji and Rei.

"_These medications will alleviate the symptoms that you are experiencing. I know it seems terrifying, but this will all be over in a few days."_

_Liar!_ Ritsuko's words still echoed in her ears. Her hand drifted down to her stomach, which was noticeably larger than normal, especially with what she wore now. _I know all about false pregnancy. I'm a college graduate for Gottsake!_ She knew it was all in her mind, and that was part of the problem. Most of the treatments for pseudocyesis targeted the patient's mind, forcing it to recognize that it was generating an abnormal set of symptoms in the body. _But even if that's the case, shouldn't the medication at least have a minimal affect? _Even the smallest of changes would have given her hope, and shown her that none of it was real. Perhaps one night and morning was not enough for the medication to take effect, though Ritsuko had told her it would begin working within a few hours.

_But what if it is real?_ a corner of her mind wailed. It was that corner of her mind that had probably made her symptoms worse. _Or it really could be real._ She blinked rapidly, desperately suppressing her emotions before they got out of control again. She had awoken once during the night, sobbing uncontrollably. It was the sickest, most vulnerable feeling she had ever experienced, and she hated herself for it. Yet even as she hated herself, she could feel her emotions degenerating towards that sick state yet again.

Walking stiffly over to a corner, she sat down, wrapping her arms around her body and lowering her head. She set her face and closed her eyes. _If I'm going to cry, it's going to be on my terms._ Carefully letting her emotions come to the surface, she squeezed her eyes, disgusted at the sorrow bubbling up in her mind. A line of moisture crawled down her face, then another on the other side. Her breath shook a little, but there was nothing she could do about it. She let the emotion swirl around her mind, tightly controlled. The wetness gathered at her chin, falling to the floor. She very carefully cried, finally losing track of time. At a certain point the tears dried up, and after another few moments of sitting there, waiting, she opened her eyes and stood. She found a towel, wiped off her face, and left the changing room.

She tried to ignore what felt like the stares of everyone in the giant cage room. She moved normally, determined to draw no attention to herself with any kind of attempt to hide things. She knew logically that no one had noticed, probably. She looked almost normal, even if it felt like she had grown several cup sizes and was carrying a watermelon. She had actually measured herself just to make sure, and she was only just barely larger than before. If only it didn't feel like she had doubled in size. That feeling would probably result in further worsening of her symptoms. _Unless it's real._

_Shut up!_ she screamed at that irritating little inner voice. With an effort she brought her breathing back under control as she sat down in her plug seat, waiting while the crane lifted her over the lake of purple coolant and inserted her into the test plug. The other two must have already been in their plugs, but she didn't care. Sitting normally, she willed herself to relax, placing her hands on the pistol-grip controls to either side of her and closing her eyes. The air was a bit stale as usual, but she wouldn't have to breath it for long. With some surprise, she actually felt herself begin to calm down.

Sounds of rushing liquid filled the chamber as the LCL level began to rise. The beginnings of nausea swirled around in her belly, and she breathed carefully, using the anti-nausea exercises she knew. The sick feeling slowly receded as the warm liquid rose past her thighs. Fear niggled away as the liquid rose inexorably towards her nose, but she suppressed it. Finally immersed completely in the yellow liquid, she took a breath, daring her body to react as she drew the substance into her lungs. When the nausea failed to reappear, she let out a sigh of relief. Breathing normally, she took comfort in how things seemed to be returning to normal.

_All I need is a good harmonics test, and everything'll be fine._

_Something normal will help me get over this... this thing._

The optimistic thought brought her hope as the faint babble of status reports in her ear told her to begin contact. Test patterns flowed past her closed eyes as she reached out to the one person she knew would understand what she was going through. The one person whose acceptance of her was complete, now that she had discovered the woman's presence in her Eva.

"Third contact beginning. A10 receptors functioning at eighty-percent efficiency and rising. Beginning final contact..."

The status reports continued. She swallowed against a sudden turn in her stomach as she felt her mother's touch at the back of her mind. The touch lingered, then expanded as she synchronized. Then wavered. Red warnings flashed along her status displays as alarms wailed through her test plug, but she was too busy trying not to throw up to notice.

_Rejection!_

Her hands were gripped tightly over her mouth, her eyes squeezed shut, her legs drawn up to her chest as another wave of nausea assaulted the remaining shreds of her control. A cloud of white particulate matter spurted from between her fingers, and she panicked. With the nauseating smell of the LCL in her lungs and throat, she had not felt herself vomit. She tried to cough, but whenever she breathed in, nasty lumpy stuff made her gag. She tried to clear her throat of the intruding substance from her stomach, spitting it out into the liquid around her, but her stomach wouldn't stop heaving, and she couldn't avoid the haze building up around her. She tried to stand up, but her strength failed her.

_I'm going to die._ Her head was already spinning from lack of oxygen, and the panicky reports in her ears were fading away. _I'm going to die in this horrible machine._ And the last thing she would remember was her mother's rejection. Her vision blurred as her head fell back limply against the hard metal behind her. She was once again back in the hospital, looking into a room where her mother crooned to a doll, talking to and accepting it, not her.

An explosive sound heralded a change in pressure around her, and suddenly the LCL had emptied in one big rush. She bent over, allowing the horrible stuff to evacuate from her lungs. Her abdominal muscles clenched, and she emptied her stomach into the bottom of the test plug, gasping for air as she coughed and sputtered. Sitting back shakily, she drifted towards unconsciousness, her mind on her fellow pilot, the one behind all her troubles.

_He did it after all. He took my mother away from me,_ she thought bitterly.

* * *

It no longer took any thought at all for Shinji to guide his Eva's steps as it walked, giving him plenty of time to consider how things had changed yet again.

_Asuka's not really pregnant. _A part of him was relieved, which made him feel bad for the girl, since she was still suffering as if she were pregnant. _But she's not._ Which meant he no longer had to feel guilty about being with Rei. He unwittingly smiled a bit at the thought of Rei.

_It doesn't matter. Nothing matters any more. No matter what happens, she'll be there when I get back._ His mind went back to Misato's tense preparatory instructions for the mission.

"_Shinji, this mission is extremely important and extremely dangerous, but not to you."_

"_Not to me?" _Her statement had confused him.

"_We're going to destroy the Angel with mass N2 bombardment,"_ the woman had said, her expression deadly serious. Well, it had made sense to him. Twenty-two percent of the Angel's mass had been burned away with a single strike, so it stood to reason that repeated strikes would eventually kill it. It made him wonder for a moment why more of the Angels had not been disposed of in that manner.

"_The danger is that the repeated high-intensity strikes will damage the Geofront itself, and make it unstable," _she went on, inadvertently answering his question. _"But with Rei's Eva still under repair and Asuka unable to pilot, we have no choice. We can't risk your Eva becoming disabled in a straight-up fight with the Angel."_ There had been nothing for him to do but nod glumly. Misato had no way of knowing how Asuka had already tried defeating the monster on her own, and had failed. She was either on par with him or better at this point, leaving him with no confidence at all that he could beat the Angel on his own.

"Operation commencing."

Static masked the voice of the strike-force's squadron leader. Even so, Shinji recognized Akira's father's voice. He could barely make out the contrails, but he had no way of seeing the falling munitions. A short time later blinding purple light erupted into the sky, boiling away layers of armor in the process. Just as the stable column of energy was forming and beginning to die down, another blast rocked the area, and then another. His display automatically dimmed, protecting him as the bombardment continued.

The attack seemed to go on forever, each flash of light accompanied by a buffet when the shock-front passed over his Eva. The tortured atmosphere flickered with discharges and sputtering flashes of static hundreds of feet long, jagged forks of light that danced along the ground, reaching up into the sky in all directions.

The burble of status reports included reports of collapsing structural supports, but there were no casualties. All personnel had long been evacuated. The most recent flash died down, and when the next one did not come, Shinji finally relaxed the subtle tightening of his legs. He had half expected the entire Geodome to collapse, sending thousands of tons of armor, buildings, and people down into the forest below. Had that happened, he had no idea what he would have done. Simply resetting would not have helped. He would have had to find some way to beat the Angel without resorting to N2 bombardment. Letting out a pent-up sigh, he looked down at Misato's comm-box which had just popped up on his display.

"Shinji, proceed to ground zero and confirm visually that the Angel is dead," she said, her expression as hard as it always was whenever they were under threat of attack. Shinji walked his Eva gingerly towards the epicenter of the blasts, his feet sinking a bit into the still-molten armor. After a moment of intense heat on the soles of his feet, he heard Ritsuko mutter to Maya, instructing her to dampen the nerves on the bottoms of the Eva's feet. Seconds later he felt immediate relief, as his feet went cold. He could still walk, but he wouldn't have the best of stability. His teeth clenched as he concentrated. He most certainly didn't want to fall over in the molten muck he was trudging through.

After several long minutes of careful walking, he came to what had to be the center of the targeted area. There was absolutely nothing left that he could see. Not even blood or fragments of skin.

"There's nothing left, Misato," he said tiredly.

"Roger," she answered. "Return to base, and-"

He was just about to turn to leave when he heard an alarm go off over the comm. He looked up slowly, and for a moment he couldn't believe what he was seeing. It seemed so unreal that he just stared dumbly at it for a few precious moments. Floating almost directly overhead was a giant, zebra-striped sphere, sullen and menacing. As he stared numbly at the apparition, he happened to notice his doom winging its way across the sky in the form of a solitary pigeon.

"Shinji! We're detecting a pattern blue! Get out of there!"

As his strength returned to him, the pigeon flew right through the floating shadow, causing it to disappear. He looked around frantically, but there were no buildings nearby, they all having been reduced to slag. With a peculiar sinking feeling he knew that there was no way he would have made it out of Leliel's shadow even if he had moved the moment he had seen the Angel appear overhead.

Sinking inexorably into the murky blackness of the Dirac Sea, his last thought before the comm went silent was that with NERV's N2 munitions depleted, and the other Evas inoperative, he was truly on his own.


	9. Dirac

"What'cha writing?"

His pad was beside him where he rested against a rock, hands over his stomach, eyes closed.

"A book." It surprised him when his usual reclusiveness didn't infuriate her. They shared a moment of silence, then,

"What's reality, Shinji?" She was drawing little circles in the sand, and the use of his intimate name startled him, even if she had begun doing it more often.

"Reality is where you feel real," he finally decided.

After a short of silence, he opened an eye for a moment, wondering at her reticence.

"So when's dinner, Confucious?" she finally asked.

"Whenever you decide to make it," he replied, closing his eyes, wanting nothing more than a nap. He jumped at a palm which landed on his sternum. He flinched, then realized she hadn't really hit him with any force. He cracked an eye open.

"Were you planning on eating?" she asked, her eyes kind but dangerous.

"Yeah," he said, "eventually..."

"Then you'll help, of _course,_" she said, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet. Not dragging, not jerking, just helping him up. He stretched, yawned, then followed her.

---Excerpt from the preface to _Conversations With Asuka_

* * *

Chapter 9 – Dirac

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Blankness.

The complete absence of all stimuli, color, sound. All these were things he took for granted, even having been through this hellish oblivion once before. He had never ever expected to be back in this place, even knowing that he'd have to live his life over again. He had thought he would have more time to come up with some alternate plan to defeat this particular Angel, but here he was. Anything would be preferable to this nothingness. He shuddered at the reminder of Rei.

_How could she have actually wanted something like this?_ But he knew the answer to that. He was in the middle of nothingness, but he still had his identity, his awareness. True nothingness would be the absence of self.

_Rei._ She was waiting for him, back in the real world. He comforted himself with the memory of her, and the things they had done, and would do, when he got out. Maybe he'd take her to a movie, or out to eat, things that they'd never really done, since they'd never really been a couple during the time they'd been living together, and sleeping together.

_Sleeping together._ Now the idea brought thoughts into his fourteen-year-old, hormone-ridden head that gave him a reaction he had to hide by drawing up his knees and hugging them. Rei was beautiful. The most beautiful person he knew. He had never really thought of her that way, before realizing his feelings for her, but now he couldn't get her image out of his head. He had so many of them, having lived with her for so long.

Her peaceful expression while asleep. Her placid gaze as they sat facing each other on the train to and from the Geofront. The wind moving her hair as they walked to school. The rare smile that he was privileged to see, and sometimes to evoke.

_I just know I'm going to mess this up somehow,_ he thought with a sigh, opening his eyes. The numbers at the edge of his display ticked downward. _Thirty-seven seconds._ This time there was no point in trying to save the battery, since there could be no rescue even if those at NERV had wanted to. The N2 munitions had been drastically depleted by the destruction of Israfel, and even had they had enough explosives, there were no Evas to spread an AT-field and extract him from the inter-dimensional trap he now inhabited.

_Ten seconds._ He would either survive and escape, or die and have to relive it all again. With a start, he wondered what would happen to Asuka if he backed up to before she had 'conceived.' Since it was all in her mind, would it go away? Or would the symptoms only get worse sooner? He knew precious little about whatever Ritsuko had called it. Pseudoci-something. Was it deadly? What would happen when it was time for the nonexistent baby to be born?

Ironically, the timer ticked over to zero at that moment, and he braced for the panic. His heart-beat sped up, and he tensed, waiting for the shortness of breath. _I don't know why I'm getting so worked up, It's not like I haven't died before..._ He nearly chuckled. Not for the first time, he wondered exactly how he had broken free of the Angel the last time. Yui had helped, he knew that. And it had taken place when he was near death, probably his mother's reaction to the danger he was in. He wondered idly how long it would take for the LCL to go stale as it had before.

_Wait. Why is my suit still active?_ He checked the chronometer built into it, and saw the seconds steadily ticking by. _Even if the LCL is still somewhat breathable, my suit shouldn't function without power..._

Power.

Something pulsed in his chest, or rather in the Eva's chest, and so he felt it. Closing his eyes, he concentrated, feeling around in his chest area. There. He felt power begin to flow continuously, but how?

_S2 organ._ A shiver traveled up his spine. How had an S2 organ gotten into his Eva? It wasn't like he had gone around making a habit out of eating Angels. Not after that first disastrous experience a lifetime ago. Then how...? With a suddenness that shocked him, it all came together.

_The first Angel I fought was recovered intact. And the second was captured still in its embryonic stage. Ritsuko could have extracted one from either of them. But why didn't my father tell me about this?_ Without the push of near-death to force his mother to act, he was stuck here. Indefinitely.

_No!_ He closed his eyes, teeth clenching in concentration. His mother's presence was there, effervescent and fleeting. Usually she was the one to reach out to him, but now he couldn't even get her attention. _Mother!_

It's okay.

He jerked at the words, soft against the background static. Had he really heard them?

I'll make sure the LCL nourishes you.

"-that, um..."

We're free, my son! Finally free...

"No..." He saw his mother's plan unfold before him, horrifying in its simplicity. Though he had no idea what intricate plan would push Gendo to install an S2 organ in his Eva, the man would most certainly not have expected this. They were free from him, yes, but he would never see Rei again. Or anybody. Or any_thing._

_No..._ He heard himself repeating the word under his breath over and over. Frustration strengthened his will, and he pushed against his mother, throwing her out of the way, as it were, so he could take direct control of the beast he rode. There was a sharp resistance at first, but she relented, no longer buffering him from the monster's raging mind. He was plunged into a mental storm worse than any hurricane he could have imagined. Someone was screaming horrifically in the background, and his throat hurt. Slowly but surely he closed in on himself, trying to protect the last bastion of identity, the animal hind-brain, from the gale-force winds that tore at his psyche. Huddled down on the ground of his mind-scape, his eyes closed as wailing wind and slicing rain roared around him, he waited for what seemed like ages. Nothing changed for hours, the wind and rain constantly buffeting him, giving him no respite. Finally, perhaps out of curiosity, he opened his eyes. He was no longer huddled on the ground, he was in a totally blank dimension, hanging there, no gravity, no light, no dark, no nothing.

_The Dirac Sea,_ he realized. He was experiencing it as the Eva experienced it. This was far beyond the ninety-percent synchro-ratio he was used to, or even the horrible pain of the one time he went past four hundred percent. It was like he _was_ the Eva, totally and completely. He looked around, but nothing changed, giving him a horrible sense of vertigo, made worse by the lack of gravity. He moved his limbs, but his position did not move at all, not even shifting. It was as if there were no physical laws governing this place. Nothing pushed back when he waved an arm laterally from one side to the other. As if there were not even a medium for transmission of anything, whether it be force or electromagnetic signal.

Wait, no that wasn't right. The farther out he stretched his hands, the more he did feel something. As if his fingertips brushed a wall near the limits of his reach. He touched it. It was solid, even if he could see nothing. He pushed, and though there was a slight give, he might as well have been pushing against padded composite armor.

He thrust his hand forward viciously, and felt even more give, and even more resistance, but whether he was close to breaking through, or whether he was about to break his fingers, he had no idea. Straining, feeling the muscles on his own arms stand out, he pushed with all his might. He could feel the barrier giving way slightly, slowly, but not enough. His strength was failing. With one last monumental effort, he pushed his arms outward, but the wall remained stubbornly intact. He could feel the last of his strength draining away, and with it his hope. Then suddenly his fingers pushed through. He only just barely managed to keep his arms outstretched, shaking with fatigue. Gathering all the energy he had left, he gripped the opening he had made, and stretched. With a suddenness that surprised him, the barrier tore, making a sound like cloth ripping, and he fell to his knees on blessedly hard ground as the patter of liquid rained down on his back. The surroundings became a hazy gray as an immense feeling of tiredness overtook him, and then he came to himself. He was no longer lying on the armored streets of Tokyo-3, he was laying on the front wall of his entry plug, everything dark. Then he passed out.

* * *

Fading in and out of consciousness, he was vaguely aware of the distant and comforting burble of people talking, of conversation. Doctors and nurses, caring for him. Softness of a hospital bed, and dimmed lights. The hushed voices grew fainter as time drew on, and he went to sleep again.

Some time later he awoke suddenly, snapping out of some vague dream to a vivid wakefulness that was surprising in its clarity. He sat up, pupils wide in the darkened room. The vividness faded, leaving only the evening sunlight spilling out from under the closed door. Stark white walls and the outline of empty gurneys were barely visible in the gloom. Sitting up, he turned and let his legs fall over the side of the bed.

_Where is everybody?_ It looked like his ICU bed had been pushed into a storage room and forgotten. No shadows passed the door outside, and he wondered at the lack of traffic.

"Hello?" His voice echoed off the hard walls. Sliding off the bed, he swayed a bit, waiting for the dizziness to pass, his hands firm on the mattress. Finally pushing himself upright, he hesitantly shuffled to the door, pulling up open. Yellow-orange sunlight illuminated the stark white hospital storage room. He had been abandoned.

_But why? And where is everybody?_ Oddly enough, he was in his clothes of choice, his school uniform. _They must've dressed me after cleaning me up. After they rescued me._ The battle, and its aftermath, came crashing down on his tired mind. He stumbled into the wall, resting a hand on it as he breathed deeply, his eyes closed.

The never-ending N2 blasts. Being caught by the Dirac Sea Angel. Finally breaking free. It didn't matter what had happened, or where all the people had gone, he would never willingly put himself through that emptiness again. If something had happened, he would find a way to deal with it conventionally, rather than killing himself and reliving it. Pushing himself away from the wall, he set off down the corridor.

Hours later, he had traversed a good portion of the hospital, and yet had found nobody. He had gotten something to eat at a hospital cafeteria he had passed. It was also deserted, but there was still sandwiches and drinks in a refrigerator. It had felt a bit unreal to wave the packets through the scanner himself, and then run his NERV card through the slot. It just felt wrong to take them without paying.

_Maybe everyone's still in the shelters. Maybe the general order to return hasn't been issued yet._ But even if that were the case, it didn't make sense for a NERV hospital to be evacuated. A civilian hospital perhaps, but not one that tended to the wounded pilots. Even if the main NERV hospital in which he stood had been evacuated, there would have been a triage station, or _something._ He should have awoken there.

_Maybe they got another evacuation call, and somehow forgot about me?_ Fear touched the back of his mind, along with a deep sadness. It never felt good to be abandoned. He had been lonely for most of his life following his mother's death.

_No! Forget it, I'll just get out of here. There's bound to be people in the shelters who can help me._ He felt no shocks, or ground-quakes. There seemed to be no reason to avoid the aboveground. He set off for the nearest linear rail line.

* * *

The lone train sped up the rail, heading towards the city above. It couldn't go fast enough for Shinji. The chill in his spine had deepened. There had been no one there to swipe his card, no one to question, no one period. He had run his card through the swipe-reader, stepped onto the train, and the doors had closed.

Now he was sitting, facing an empty wall. Rei usually sat opposite him. In his mind, he pictured her there. Perhaps they were on their way to school. Her still form sat, the wave of hair moving in the air currents of the moving train, her gaze blank as she stared at the wall. She noticed his attention, and her eyes met his, question in them.

_What's wrong?_

The lump in his throat grew.

"I miss you."

She cocked her head to the side slightly.

_Why? I'll always be with you, in your heart._

He blinked away tears, and the dust particles stirred as the train slowed, disturbing the mental image he had constructed. The train doors slid open, and he ran out as if ghosts were after him. He didn't stop running, even when he passed a startled woman sitting on a park bench, who looked up in annoyance from the book she was reading. Even though the world had taken on a subtle edge of life after he had exited the train, he kept running.

His legs pounded the asphalt, and his heart pounded in his ears as he crested the final hill to the apartment he called home. His steps slowed as he ascended the stairs, partly from exhaustion, partly from fear. Something felt off. Wrong. Ever since he had broken out of Leliel, he had felt a subtle strangeness that leeched away at him, as if trying to convert him, or send him back to where he belonged.

He paused before the door, catching his breath for a moment. It stood, tall and ominous, a harbinger of the unknown. Behind that door was Rei, but even thinking about her did not alleviate the strange flutter in his stomach.

_Something's wrong. Terribly wrong..._

The door opened, or rather someone opened it. He fell towards her, frantic tears gathering at the edges of his eyes. Then he noticed that it wasn't Rei. Standing before him in the flesh, was Yui. Her short brown hair was combed back out of the way, and she wore a white apron over pink blouse and brown skirt. He continued forward, shocked into numbness. She put her arms around him, enfolding him in a hug. The strangeness disappeared as if he had never felt it. His mother, and everything in that apartment reeked of _realness_, and the feeling rushed out the open door, filling the blank world with life.

"Shinji! How was school?" the soft melodious voice familiar in the dimness of his memory murmured in his hair, but his voice was frozen. She was physical, real, in his arms. The familiar scent of _mother_, the soft cloth of her apron, the loving aura as she held him, rocking back and forth gently. He was home.

* * *

He stood in the bathroom of Rei's apartment. _No, of home._ Warm water ran over his hands, and he rubbed them, rhythmically, over and over, his mind elsewhere.

"_Silly, you act as if you haven't seen me for ages." _She had pushed him away, shooing him in the direction of the bathroom._ "Go get washed up, I'll finish making supper."_ He had almost turned in the direction of the kitchen, knowing that if he didn't make supper, either Asuka or Misato would have to. Then he caught himself physically. Yui has already mostly made supper, she had just said so. He walked slowly to the bathroom.

So here he was in the bathroom, washing up. He looked down at his hands, and stopped rubbing them. They had been clean a few minutes ago, but he hadn't noticed. For him, normal had somehow become having to make his own supper, and then having to eat it alone, because Asuka was out on the town and Misato was doing a night-shift at NERV.

_But that isn't normal,_ he realized, walking into the kitchen. Normal for a fourteen-year-old boy was to eat supper with your family. His mother stood, working at the counter, her back to him.

"Are-" he swallowed. "Are you sure you don't want me to help?" She turned, smiling warmly as she walked over and set down a plate at his place at the table.

"What kind of mother would I be? Sit down, and eat."

He sat, and ate. She returned with her plate, and also ate. The rest of the evening was a blur of normalcy. Normal, that is, for anyone but him. That night, when she pulled the covers up to his neck and bent to kiss his forehead, she noticed the tears at the edges of his eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked, concern on her features. She put a hand on his forehead for a moment, checking his temperature.

"Nothing's wrong, mom," he finally said, when he got his voice back.

"Good night," she whispered, kissing his forehead again and patting the covers. "Love you." She stood and walked to the door, pausing a moment and looking back, checking one more time. She was outlined by the yellow light coming from the hall, her hand on the doorknob. The apartment was warm and comforting, rearranged far differently than when he and Rei had lived there. She pulled the door shut, clothing the room in darkness. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. It wasn't until the moment when he passed the threshold of consciousness that he first considered what had happened to all his friends. His acquaintances. His fellow pilots.

* * *

He gasped, coming awake suddenly. Morning sunlight outlined the room. He stumbled out of bed toward the bathroom, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He washed, and noticed that he was in his pajamas. At some point last night he had changed. He went to his closet, and found his school uniform, freshly washed and dried, along with an assortment of jeans and knit shirts. His hand wavered between his old standby, and the new and unknown. Finally he decided on a gray knit shirt and jeans.

It felt strange, but it was new. And if Asuka saw him, maybe she'd have just a touch of grudging acceptance for his new look. After she got over the shock.

_Asuka. And Rei._ He burst out of the room, heading for the door.

"Shinji?" Yui came out of her room, still in her night-robe. "Where are you going? There's no school, it's the weekend..."

He paused, wondering what he could tell her.

"I've gotta check something, um..." Her eyes had just a touch of sadness, and he wondered about its source. "I'll be back, I promise," he said weakly. "I will," he tried to reassure her when her sad expression seemed to deteriorate further. Finally she shook her head, banishing the sad feeling and putting a hand on the side of his head. "They grow up so fast," she murmured to herself. "It's Saturday, so you go have fun. But don't be too late coming home." The touch reminded him of something ages ago, but he couldn't quite grasp the memory. Something about watching her ascend away from him into the starry sky. She let her hand slide from his face and turned to go back to her room. He hesitated for a moment, then remembered his mission, and turned to leave.

* * *

Half an hour later, he knew something was again terribly wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, that is, not until he came into sight of what should have been an entry point to the linear rail station nearest to Rei's apartment, now his and Yui's apartment. It wasn't there. In its place was a squat power substation. Shinji walked all around it, looking for a way in, as if he couldn't believe it was really a power transformer substation. But no matter how he thought about it, he couldn't summon the unreality he had felt before.

_Rei's apartment is now my and my mother's apartment. The Linear Rail station isn't here any more. This is all wrong._

But it didn't feel wrong.

He continued walking, but the next Linear Rail station was also missing, as was the one emergency elevator location that he remembered off the top of his head. He knew there were more, scattered around the city, or there should have been more, but he would never find them now. He was sure of that. There were supposed to be maps scattered all around, but he had seen none of those since leaving home, so he had no way of confirming where the emergency entry locations had even been, since they were obviously not there now. With a touch of frustrated anger he put a hand into his pocket, feeling for the one thing that would give him hard proof.

Nothing. Frantically he searched all his pockets, but his NERV card wasn't there. The NERV card he had used the previous day. Finally, finally he began to panic.

_It's like NERV doesn't even exist. Never existed. What about my father?_ He knew without a doubt, if he asked his mother, she would tell him something about a divorce, or maybe the man had died, or something. Something mundane. His steps again became frantic, as he ran to the only other location he knew of for sure.

Fifteen minutes later, his pounding steps took him through the foyer, up the elevator, and down the familiar hall. Coming to a stop before the door, his hand paused before knocking.

What would he find?

Maybe it would be empty. Or maybe Misato would answer, but not know him.

Misato.

Her door was never locked. With a bit of a grin he palmed the door control. The door slid open, bringing a sense of familiarity to the strange world. The strange world that somehow felt natural. The sound of the door drew the apartment's sole inhabitant. A raven-haired head peeked out of the kitchen, then slipped back. He heard water running for a moment, then Misato came around the corner, drying her hands on a towel.

"Shinji!" Her eyes were lit up with recognition, which eased the constriction he had felt for a few long moments. "Do you have a question about the schoolwork? I know the assignment was tough, but I'll give you a few pointers if you're really stuck." She winked at him, turning to a coffee-table to retrieve a trigonometry book.

"Misato... sensei?" He stood stunned by her reactions. She paused then stood up, a familiar alluring look in her eyes.

"-or have you come for something else? Has our little Shinji finally started to wonder about 'that' kind of thing?" She slunk up to him, taking his chin in her hand. "-well," she said a bit too breathlessly, "your sensei would be happy to instruct you..."

"Mi-Mi-Misato!"

She released him with a light-hearted laugh.

"Same old Shinji, so easy to tease." At that moment she sounded so much like the old Misato that his legs nearly gave way, then he fled the apartment. She turned, the trigonometry book in her hands again. "So what did you want to know about... huh, he left. Oh well." She set the book down and shut the half-open door.

* * *

As he jogged back home, he was almost sure he knew what was happening. He remembered something similar in his distant past, but it was just out of reach. As he bounded up the stairs two at a time, he considered the surreality of everything.

_No NERV, no Rei, no Asuka, Misato is my school teacher... Actually I don't know that Asuka isn't here, but I bet she doesn't know me. Maybe she's in Germany. Maybe-_

He flung open the door.

"Mom, I'm back! I-" The words died on his tongue. What met his eyes wasn't the warmly decorated abode he had left hours ago, but the same cold, somewhat cluttered apartment 402 that it should have been. The barely-working florescent light overhead cast dim white illumination over the bare walls, the bed, and Rei. Several outfits lay on the bed, along with toothbrush, toothpaste, changes of undergarments, a towel, a hair-brush. She was packing. She turned to face him, noticing his presence. She smiled, a kind of sad smile, as if she had already accepted something painful that he would soon have to accept.

_She's leaving, _he realized, knew somehow. _And I can't go with her._ He walked over, carefully, steadily, and embraced her. She put her arms around him, squeezing lightly. He reassured himself of the reality of the situation, the feel of her in his arms. She felt as real as his mother had felt.

"Don't leave me," he murmured into her hair. His voice was surprisingly steady, even though he knew the words only hurt. But they were from his heart, and she undoubtedly knew this, so maybe it didn't hurt as much.

"I have to," she said. "My body is dying."

"I know that," he answered hurriedly. "I mean, I guessed. From the pills, and from Ritsuko's visits." His breath was short, and he held her close, afraid if he let go she would disappear. Or keep packing, in spite of his presence. "We can fix that. We have all the time we need, right? Ritsuko can-" He felt her shake her head a bit, even though she didn't try to pull away.

"I'm glad you knew," she said, "even though I never found the courage to tell you."

"That doesn't matter, I don't care about that! I forgive you, just don't leave..."

This time she pushed his shoulders back, looking into his eyes as if to make sure he understood.

"I'm dying," she repeated. "The real me is dying." Her eyes left his, her gaze traveling over his shoulder. He turned, looking out the window that should have overlooked the empty dirty street. Red light spilled in, from a scene he thought he had left forever.

A starry night, an empty white beach, and reddish waves, shimmering from the bright moon overhead. Two figures on the beach, one on top of the other, crouched over her.

There was nothing more he could say, so he pulled her back to him, hugging her tightly, trying to will away the scene. But he knew it was there, even with eyes closed.

"I'm dying," she repeated once more, and this time he understood. Third Impact was ending, and so was she.

"Where will you go?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered, and he could hear the subtle excitement in her voice, excitement at the unknown, and all its possibilities.

"Take me with you," he pleaded, even though he knew what her answer would be.

"I can't," she replied.

"You mean you won't," he said, reading it in her tone.

"You still have life, and hope," she insisted. "I do not know where I will go. Perhaps I will cease to be. Perhaps-" He held her tightly, desperately, cutting off her words.

"Please. Wherever you go, that's where I want to be, even if it's nowhere..." Desperate sadness balled up in his throat with the words. She pushed back again, holding him at arms length and looking at him sadly, as if she were about to play a trump card he had no way of resisting, even though she did not want to have to use it.

"Your child deserves a father," she said, and her words stung him, even though he knew she hadn't meant them to. His eyes drifted back to the distant Asuka, lying on the beach.

"Her pregnancy is real." Rei said, as if reading his mind.

"How... how do you-"

"Because I am connected to her, as I am connected to you." She stepped back, until all that was left touching were their hands, but she didn't try to pull away. He held them, his eyesight blurring. "I'm glad we had this extra chance. I'm glad, Shinji."

He knew there wasn't anything else he could say to her. She would not take him with her, and it was impossible for her to stay. The unfairness of the situation tore at him, but any further questions would only hurt what they had together. No matter how desperately he wanted to leave everything and go with her, if he somehow convinced her to take him, she would obviously never look at him the same way. Not after seeing him abandon his unborn child. He could feel her fading, and so he repeated the only thing that truly embodied his feelings, and that wouldn't hurt her.

"I love you," he said, his anguish nearly physical in its strength.

"And I love you," she answered.

There was a moment of disorientation, and then he was crouching over Asuka, who was laid out on her back on the sand. He still felt the same, the same anguish, the same sadness, and the same love. Perhaps he was a bit tired physically, but everything else was the same as if he had actually lived those months in that dreamland.

He looked up out over the water, and saw Rei's ethereal figure. She was wearing one of the atrociously mismatched blouse-and-sweater combinations they had bought on their one date to the mall. As he looked at her wavering form, she smiled, raised her hand in a wave, and then turned away. The last thing he saw was his backpack on her shoulder, and then she vanished.


	10. Beyond Leliel's Shore

Chapter 10 – Beyond Leliel's Shore

Blackness melted into a dark blue, which faded into a light pastel somewhere down past vision. Smattering of stars visible overhead became invisible as dawn awoke over the barren landscape. Night fell, bringing fear, then the dawn came back. The fear remained, however. Pandora's box was open, and would not be shut. Night would come again, suddenly, without warning, and there was nothing that she could do about it.

_She. I. I'm a she._ This knowledge pushed back against the fear, which now seemed a small and dying thing. Armed with this new self knowledge, she held a light against the fear, watching it dwindle almost to nothingness. Then night fell again, and fear grew into terror that became nearly physical in its strength. Dawn came back, along with pain in her temples, a deep headache that settled into a dull pain behind her eyes.

She blinked again, feeling the darkness that arose until she opened her eyes again. Blinking slowly, she summoned the night with each close of her eyes, and summoned the dawn with each opening. The fear receded slowly, steadily. The darkness was now under her control. Her eyes took in the white beach, and the reddish water stretching into the distance as she took stock of her body, and its feelings.

Something hard and metallic was in her hands. She felt it, sensing the hard angular lines, the compact deadliness. A gun. People with guns were after her. She scrabbled to a crouching position, lifted the weapon, looking all around, her breathing ragged and uncontrolled as she shifted her eyes and the gun first one way, then the other. Shadows danced, settled around her. Her questing eyes found no one visible, but that didn't mean anything. The crouching buildings, collapsed all over the landscape could have hidden anyone. Or no one.

Her breathing slowed, and she dropped the gun into the sand, collapsing forward, head in her arms as she shuddered and cried. Memories of her friends, her fellow NERV associates, those from the nightshift, the dayshift, now all dead. Most of them dead. How many had survived the slaughter instituted by the JSSDF? She had no idea, no idea how many survived, no idea how she had gotten to where she was.

"Makoto..." Her voice was harsh, a guttural whisper. She cleared her throat and spoke the name again, but no one answered. "Hyuga!" She called for the others she knew, the others she had seen only moments ago, when she had been huddled with them down in Central Dogma, hoping to survive another minute. She yelled until her voice was hoarse, but no one answered. Pain flared in her mind as she tried to grasp what had just happened. She closed her eyes as scenes danced before her.

Huddled in Central Dogma, waiting for the soldiers with guns to find her and kill her.

Sitting in Central Dogma, watching as Shinji was swallowed by a giant black shadow.

Listening to the gunshots and screams as her fellow scientists died.

Listening to Shinji's unbelieving voice, and Misato's yell as Shinji disappeared.

These had to be two different scenes, two different times, yet she remembered each of them as if they were only a moment ago. Another scene pushed its way through her confused thoughts.

Shinji in his Unit, Asuka in hers, and Rei in Unit-00. They were all deployed, approaching the floating shadow. Shinji moved ahead, fired his weapon, and was swallowed before the other two could reach his position.

But that didn't make any sense. In one memory, Shinji had been alone, walking his Eva through molten slag towards ground zero, and the Angel had suddenly appeared, swallowing him, while in the other memory, the rest of the Evas were with him. She gripped her head, squeezing her eyelids, trying to sort out her fractured existence.

* * *

Full blown sensorial nastiness roiled through her midsection, leaving Asuka with nothing but the horrible feeling of evacuating what was left in her stomach onto the broken road-side. The waves of nausea finally receded, letting her focus on her body again. She was kneeling on her hands and knees on the side of the cracked pavement of the road alongside which she had been traveling. She coughed, unable to keep the spasms from wracking her body until she had expelled what had been in her mouth. Spitting one last time, she sat down heavily, more than aware of her physical weakness from lack of food and water.

She was aware of Shinji's hands holding her hair out of her face, and suppressed the momentary urge to drive him away. He had already seen her at her worst, and there was no erasing that. There was also no erasing the probability that this time her pregnancy was real. She wanted to blame him completely, but there was no way to do that without completely distorting what she remembered. Yes, he had taken advantage of her, but she had accepted it. When they had both awoken, she had wanted physical comfort just the same as he had. And now she had to live with the consequences.

But why was he still hanging around? The question wound its way through her consciousness not out of spite, but out of resignation. She glanced at him momentarily as she got up and they continued walking down the broken pavement. Behind them were the sheer cliffs caused by the upheaval when the Black Moon returned from its trip into the stratosphere. They had already traversed the beach upon which they had awoken, made their way down the jagged cliffs, and were now walking towards what was left of Tokyo-3. The remains of the city existing on the outer shell of the Black Moon were still somewhat intact, and only the promise of sustenance somewhere amidst the rubble drew them onward.

_He's with me because there isn't anyone else around._ She tasted this argument, feeling its truths and untruths. Everyone felt a need for companionship, as far as she knew. Even so, he was the kind that was alone anyway. When he wasn't with the two other stooges, he had almost always been alone.

_He's with me out of some sense of duty, because of what we did._ This statement meant he had good points, but she was done trying to pretend he didn't have any. The very fact that he still stayed by her and did his best to help and protect her, even after how she treated him said something. Still, duty only went so far.

_He's with me because he cares about me._ That she even allowed this possibility to cross her mind was something. _Why does he care?_ She had treated him badly during the Angel War. She saw that, looking back. Even though her intent had been to try to get him to change, to stand up for himself, to become someone she could respect, the fact remained that her actions had been harsh, her words cold.

_But I only did all that because I care! If I didn't care about him, I wouldn't have tried to help him...! I would have ignored him._ But the question was, whether he had wanted her help. Whether he had needed her help.

_Why did I care about him?_ She didn't enjoy needing anyone else, didn't enjoy the vulnerability such feelings of need brought her. A boy would grow up to be a man, like the man who had abandoned her, and her mother. Even so, Shinji was an Eva pilot, and thus he was the only candidate she would ever consider. Except that he had been so darned weak. He cared about everyone and everything, which meant everyone and everything could hurt him. He was weak, and yet he won all the time. She was strong, but she always needed help, always lost.

Shinji wanted to be with others, but didn't need them. He was always alone, and strong. Whereas she wanted to be alone, but couldn't be. She needed people like Hikari, people that recognized her. Shinji was strong when he was alone. She was only strong when she was with others.

_I care about him, because he has what I always wanted, but couldn't get._ She could always ask him, 'why do you do so well alone?' and she knew he would spout some rubbish about how he really did need others, about how he wanted companionship as much as the next guy. But he'd be wrong. All his victories had been gotten by himself. Everything she had done had been with someone else.

_I see his strength, and I respect it. Why couldn't he ever see my strength?_ Because she didn't have any. He cared about everyone. His weakness was his strength. She didn't want to need anyone. Her appearance of strength only covered over her true weakness. The realization staggered her as she walked, but it didn't help. A simple realization wouldn't open her up, and make her strong. It had taken her fourteen years to close herself off as much as she had, and that wouldn't be fixed in a day. Even now she saw her mind still fighting against her realization. It went against all logic to think that opening yourself up to hurt would make you stronger. Maybe that wasn't it, maybe there was more to it. All she could do at this point was to watch him, and try to see what made him who he was.

* * *

Maya trudged down the broken road, her mind like molasses, and at the same time flitting this way and that at every little noise. The service automatic was a lead weight against the small of her back where she had put it. She chuckled darkly.

_I know I've been watching too many movies. They always tuck their guns back there, as if it's natural._ She took comfort in the humor, letting it draw her attention away from the terrible reality she found herself in, and the fractured memories that had led her there. She still had not made much sense out the strange duality of her thoughts. How could someone remember two different lives? It appeared that the first one was the real one, judging by her present location. The memory of her other life ended with Shinji being swallowed by Leliel.

She looked up at the horizon, and saw movement. Glumly she reached for her pistol. She had already had to drive away two people so far. One of them had simply been shell-shocked, and was making too much noise for the now-security-conscious Maya. She had been unable to console the girl, so there had been no other choice. Maya had problems of her own to deal with, without having to try to help someone else through theirs. She knew how heartless it seemed, but she still remembered her training from when she had been a lifeguard in college.

_Always make sure of your own safety before trying to save someone else._ The truism could be applied across the board. The only other person she had met had been a gaunt and scared-looking man. His eyes had lit up in a very unwholesome way when he had seen Maya, and she was only thankful she hadn't had to shoot him. She had forced him away from her at gunpoint, not even knowing if the weapon would even work, or even if the safety was on. Try as she might, she couldn't remember Hyuga's instructions from before they had all... what? Died?

In the distance, she made out the features of a man, and raised the gun warningly. She hated the sexism, but was not going to take any chances. As he came closer, recognition came into his eyes, and he called out.

"Lieutenant Ibuki!" He broke into a run, finally stopping a few dozen yards away as Maya and her gun wavered, trying to flail her brain into operation. Finally she noticed his stained white uniform, same as hers.

"Hiroshi? From night-shift...?" The gun lowered, and his expression lost its worry. They came together and hugged, shaking and finally crying, heedless of how they looked to each other.

"Have you seen Makoto, or any of the others?" she sniffled, when they finally pulled away from each other.

"No," he said grimly. "You're the first person I've seen so far, and you're a damn good sight." His voice held relief even as she tried to brush off the compliment, well aware of how dirty and rank she was. "I thought I was alone out here," his voice was nearly ragged with emotion.

"You're lucky then," she said wryly. "We're not the only ones, and it looks like the bad have come back with the good." She eyed her gun uneasily. "I remember you don't like guns either, do you." It wasn't really a question.

"Yeah," he chuckled. "I'd rather you held onto that."

After a moment of simply drinking in the presence of another, thankful for the company, they shifted a bit uneasily.

"I wonder who else made it through," she murmured, looking up into the night sky.

* * *

Asuka opened her eyes, staring blankly at the far wall as her mind came to wakefulness, and remembered. It had been early morning when she and Shinji had come into sight of wherever it was he was taking her. They had trekked by countless destroyed buildings, holes, rents in the ground, collapsed places and other damage.

As they had finally come into view of their destination, or at least she assumed so by the look of relief in Shinji's eyes, her own feelings had been mixed. The line of inner-city apartment buildings stretched into the distance like dominoes, one after another. In this case, some were collapsed, as if an errant finger had tapped one of them, sending one into another. Many were crumbling ruins, but most were intact, a testament of the high engineering and construction standards demanded by NERV. To survive the overpressure of an N2 munition, the Geofront's ascent into the sky, and its eventual descent spoke to how armored and supported the structures were.

Shinji seemed to pick a building at random, and then they had gone in and collapsed with fatigue. After far too short a sleep, she had awoke to find food before her, and Shinji eating. He had probably found it in one of the other apartments. Full, they had laid down for a more restful sleep, which led her to where she was now.

Shinji was gone. She could feel it, even without looking. Probably out scavenging or something. She noted that her hands and her front were still warm. Which meant he had just left, and that sometime in the night she must have rolled over and leaned against him. In that past this would have brought anger, but not now. So she needed him. She already knew that, already accepted it, at least on the surface.

_I need him, so this thing between us, whatever it is, I need to protect it._ Which meant, not snap at him. Not rail at him, punch at him for simply being there when she unconsciously rolled over towards him. _What does it mean to protect this thing between us?_ It meant treating him with respect. Even if he cared about everything, he undoubtedly had his limits, just like everyone. Respect.

_I respect his strength. I respect how he always wins in spite of how weak he seems._ Respect wouldn't be that hard.

* * *

Other than the spiderweb cracks in the hardened sidewalk, and the collapsed buildings, he might have been walking home from school. No, not home, because this was real. In the real world he had only walked this path twice. Once to take Rei her new NERV card, and the other to take her the school papers for the days of class she had missed. Every other time he had met Rei they had been elsewhere.

The times they had ridden the train together in silence, or sometimes not-silence. The happy times they had spent following his return from the month-long repose in his Unit. But this wasn't the apartment he remembered. Or rather, it was.

He climbed the stairs, sadness and memories haunting his steps. Walking down the dingy hallway, he pulled open the door, bracing himself unconsciously as he looked around. The Geofront's trip into the stratosphere had not helped Rei's old living habits. There was more trash and crumpled up papers in place of the ones he had cleaned before, and everything was in disarray.

The apartment he remembered had been cleaned, redecorated, made into home. A true home, one he felt comfortable in. This was just a shell.

Methodically, he began cleaning up. The trash, thrown away. The bedsheets, full of dust and plaster, shaken out. The scattered underwear and clothes, dresser drawers flung everywhere, refrigerator on its side, open, all of it shaken up during the physical trauma of Instrumentality. All this he fixed as best he could.

Even after all this, it still didn't feel right. Going through the other currently uninhabited apartments, he managed to find a folding table, and two chairs. He set them up as he remembered. Yet even at the end, with the apartment so nearly like he remembered in the dream-world, he began to feel a sense of hopelessness. No matter what he did, no matter how close he brought the apartment to what he remembered, it wouldn't bring back Rei. Fretfully, nearing the edge of hysteria, he left Rei's abode.

Wandering from apartment to apartment, he searched almost mindlessly. He knew that no matter what he found, even if he somehow returned every item and molecule to the way he remembered, it wouldn't matter. No thing, no object, no collection of objects could bring back the girl he had loved. Still loved.

Wandering over the threshold before him, he knew this was the last room in his journey. He didn't want to go any farther. He would go back to Rei's apartment, look it over a final time, and that would be it. There was simply nothing more to do. Sleeping there, trying to remember a dream that no longer was, it would only bring more pain, covering over the happiness he had shared with her.

He looked down at his hands, wondering at reality, and himself. Who was he? Who was she? What had made him happy with her? Perhaps if he knew that, he could bring it back, even if only in memory. Or perhaps he could find it again. Idly he noted the refrigerator in this apartment. It was on its side, the front bent, as if it had rolled over on top of something hard, then rolled on its side. With a pull, it came open, surprising him. He had expected it to be jammed.

His eyes roved over the contents listlessly. He turned to leave, then stopped abruptly as his eyes found something quite improbable. Dropping to his knees, he reached out trembling hands to a very familiar package. His fingers caught the remains of coolness, held inside the insulated refrigerator even after the power had failed. Turning the package over in his hands, he didn't even have to read the label. Cinnamon toast.

His vision shimmered as he pondered the possibilities, that there had been someone else in the same apartment building with his taste in such things. He knew the trouble it took the get this foreign delicacy. He knew the steps to the sweet-shop, knew every one of them, having traversed them so often.

The trip back to Rei's apartment was a blur, but he came to a stop in the doorway of the kitchen, pain, sorrow, and love working their way around and through his heart as he pondered this one part of his life with the enigmatic girl. Walking over, he placed the package of toast on the card-table, between the two plates, then he stepped back, looking over the place that was so familiar, the place where he had shared a happy dream with his fellow pilot.

Being together, doing things together, sharing was what made it special. Closeness, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well. Closeness of spirit, inward sameness. Some part of him was sure that even if he searched the entire world he would never find someone that was as compatible with him as Rei had been.

* * *

He sat, eating the somewhat-cool toast. It had not yet spoiled. Across the table, Rei's plate sat, along with a single piece of toast. Emotion welled in his throat, making it hard to swallow the bite. He sighed, leaning back in his chair.

_I miss you._

This time he couldn't say the words to the ethereal figure across from him. He couldn't remember the wave of her hair, her thankful eyes as she bit into the toast, the simple happiness they always shared in the morning. He said it anyway.

"I miss you."

_Why?_

But he knew the rest.

_I'll always be with you._

He knew the rest, and this time it wasn't a dream. He wasn't inside Leliel, he wasn't inside Lilith's massive form, he wasn't inside Unit-01, dreaming.

_Always, always in your heart._

Laying his head in his arms on the table, he cried. The tears ran down his face, pooling on the table, and he let the sorrow go with them. After a while the tears stopped. Some time later, he slept.

When he awoke, the pain of sorrow was diminished, at least until he heard a soft crunch opposite him. Someone chewing, eating. Hope and impossibility warred within him, and he froze, then lifted his head in a quick motion. The girl opposite him lifted the toast again, taking another bite. It was impossible for him to hide his expression as his face fell.

"This isn't all that bad," Asuka said quietly. Her words, her feelings, were all veiled, as if she were restraining them. As if she knew how delicate things were. She dropped the piece of bread with a dull thump. Her eyes took his, trapping them from escape. "For a minute," she said slowly, articulately, "you thought I was her."

The accusation hung there, and he wondered what would come next. Their sorrows were different, their troubles separate, yet inexplicable tied together. Each had the power to sever the odd relationship, to abandon the other to an existence alone, and each knew this. Each was also determined not to be the one to do that. The other. The other would be the one to destroy the bond. It would be the other's fault. Neither was willing to hurt the other, and that was what kept them together.

_I can live with myself,_ Shinji thought. _As long,_

_...as long as he's the one at fault,_ Asuka thought. _As long as it's him that makes the first break._

They stared each other down, past the point where eyes watered madly. Past the point where they dried out. He blinked, suddenly, painfully. Then she blinked. His expression faltered, and she waited expectantly for him to put the dagger in their weird relationship, so she could twist it viciously. After all, if he abandoned her, everything she had assumed about him would be wrong.

He made an odd noise. Something in her twitched, as he snickered again. She tried to hold back the sudden illogical giggle. She apparently failed, because his expression broke, and he was overtaken by uncontrollable laughter. Then she realized she was laughing too.

The stupidity of their actions seemed to dawn on them both at the same time, and they both laughed until tears ran down their cheeks. As the mirth died down, she noticed his sense of calm, and how relieved he looked as he wiped the wetness from his face, chuckling. She reached over, grabbing his shirt and pulling him towards her.

"We are NOT having a 'moment' here...!" she screamed desperately

"What..." He tried to compose his face, knowing how dangerous she could be. "Whatever you say, As-Asuka..." but something about her desperate expression sent him back over the edge, and he broke down into another fit of laughter. That weird bubble of giddiness again tried to take her over as she held the collar of the giggling boy, and as she pondered on whether or not to let it win, the fight was over. Helpless to stop herself, she joined him.

As their laughter died down, Shinji found himself watching Asuka, because he had never seen her truly laugh like that. Actually it was the first time he had laughed so freely. She noticed his attention, and he wondered how she would react. He waited, but she didn't hit him, didn't berate him. The longer he waited, watching her watch him, the more trepidation he felt. She had always been an unknown to him, someone who defied all logic.

_All my logic anyway,_ he thought glumly. But then what did he know? Rei. When he first met her she had been injured. She had been someone he needed to protect, someone weak. He found out just how wrong that first impression had been. Asuka. When he first met her, she had been strong, full of energy. Someone he hoped he could look to for protection, for friendship. He'd been wrong about that too. Rei had been the strong one, and Asuka... He didn't want to say she was weak. He wanted to say she was misunderstood, or maybe just unlucky, especially during battle. But what other explanation was there? She had trained for years, while he had simply gotten into his machine for the first time and-

He nearly jumped at her touch, as she put her hand on his. For a moment she just rested it there, then wrapped her hand around his, squeezing gently, playing with his fingers. He wondered how long it would last, when she would realize what she was doing, and snap. She didn't though, and bit by bit he relaxed, feeling her hand in his own. Her skin was soft, and the physical contact was comforting.

She laid her head on the table using her other arm as a pillow, never taking her hand from his. For a moment he wondered what to do, knowing he couldn't turn loose. That much, he knew, would be exactly the wrong thing to do. Finally he mirrored her action, put his head down, his mind whirling.

_What's she doing? What's she thinking?_To ask would probably be suicide. If he went by his past knowledge of her actions. But the past and the present weren't matching. She was reaching out to him, and he didn't know how to respond.

_What are you, an idiot?_ He smiled at Asuka's remembered voice. He would just be himself. It was all he could do.

* * *

Blankness.

Slowly, like the ponderous sliding of a glacier, Rei became aware. At first it was just a point of knowing, and slowly it expanded until she was fully conscious, a bubble of thought hanging in the void.

Blackness surrounded her, enveloping her growing awareness in a soothing calmness. Perhaps this was what the Commander had promised. This thought wound its way through her mind, the first since she had awakened. At least he had kept his word in that one thing. Her spirit seemed to lift, and with no sensory awareness to draw her attention, she watched the growing contentment as it built on itself like a fire that had just caught and was blazing up.

Contentment was something foreign to her, as foreign as the smile she wore so infrequently. Loneliness had always been a constant in her life. Now she was not-life, she was nothingness.

The contradictory nature of that statement should have brought her down, should have made her wonder, but it did not. _If I am a nothing, then who is thinking? _A bubble of humor grew, adding fuel to the contentment she felt. Whether she was nothingness or not, it didn't matter. She was free.

Something not-black showed itself to her awareness. A kind of light, or whiteness hung before her, growing brighter as she watched it. The contentment she felt ceased to grow as fast, now that her attention was split between it and this new phenomenon. She watched the whiteness as it grew brighter, brighter. Still brighter. She could see subtle dark pocks, marring the features of the bright circle before her.

The combination of her blissful feeling and the familiarness of the bright white circle caused her to gasp, bring her awareness of a body. Her body. She felt it, every joint, muscle, and sinew, every inch of skin, and she reveled in the sensation.

The moon, silent and bright in all its glory, held her eyes prisoner. She could see nothing in her peripheral vision, felt no ground beneath her, nothing. She closed her eyes, concentrating on the rising feelings of pleasure within. The moonlight washed over her, through her, as if cleansing her of all hurt, of all hurtful memory.

She felt full, complete, and if she was allowed to stay here, floating under the light of the moon for the rest of time, she would be happy.

Happiness.

For the first time since awakening, she thought of Shinji.


	11. Conversations With Asuka

Conversations With Asuka

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Again she tried to move, and again she felt nothing but the horrible sensation of being in a full body vice grip, unable to even twitch.

Shinji. Where was Shinji? Alive, with Asuka.

_I am unhappy, lonely. Separated from him. But was it worth it? Is he happy?_

Perhaps he was happy with Asuka. If they stayed together, that meant he loved her, or would love her.

_Would such love diminish what he felt for me?_

Or maybe he would not grow to love her, and they would separate. That would bring sadness to him, to Asuka, to the child. Or they might stay together despite not loving each other.

Which possibility was true? Which one would make him happy? Would he be happy with any of them?

_Will I be happy with any of them? Does it even matter what I want?_

No, it doesn't matter, a part of her said, the part she feared.

_Why not? Why doesn't what I want matter?_

Alright, then it does matter.

_How can it matter?_ The irritation she felt increased at how illogical Lilith was being.

Ah, so it doesn't matter.

_Shut up!_ It was hard to think, with the maddeningly cheerful presence of Lilith hovering over her, watching her curiously. _It matters to me. But it doesn't matter to him, because I'm not there._ Apparently her Angelic ghost had nothing to say to this. She again tried to move, this time just an arm. Just a single finger. Even a twitch, something physical she could feel, anything would be acceptable.

After a long period of silence, she began to feel a longing even for the illogical cheerfulness of her ever-present other self. She had lost all track of time, but there was no outlet for her feelings.

_Who am I?_ She asked desperately, but the void in which she hung did not answer. _Where am I??_

The more she tried to settle her mind, the more frantic it seemed to become. Still, no matter how void-like her surroundings felt, there had to be something she could divine from them.

_I am aware._ That was most important. She had not been given the promised nothingness. _I can see nothing, but I feel gravity._ She was a bit hesitant about that last part. She certainly felt something. Not weightlessness, but not constant gravity either. One moment it felt like she was standing on solid ground, and the next she would be flipped on her head. The next, she felt as is she were lying down.

Apparently she had no body, but then how could she think? She could still think, could still feel, for a moment she wondered at the possibility that she was a phantom. _When someone loses an arm, she will sometimes feel a phantom pain, as if the arm were still there. Perhaps I am that, now. Maybe I am someone's phantom pain._

Without thinking, she contracted in on herself unconsciously, as if turning on her side and pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging them in thought. That was when she really did feel herself move. The sensation was as unmistakable as it was glorious. The sliding of skin against something hard and cold, the pleasant ache of gravity holding her down.

She only had a precious few seconds of pleasure before unimaginable pain washed through her at the movement. Unable to do anything else, she curled up on her side, shuddering at the agony such movement caused.

After untold minutes of pure suffering, she came to herself on her side, panting shallowly. Every breath hurt, and it was only getting worse. She tried to move again, but couldn't, because it hurt too much. But if she stayed here, she would die, or at the very least she would keep suffering. With a monumental effort, she managed to roll back over on her back, and gained a measure of peace. Slowly, slowly, the pain receded, allowing her to rest.

The moon was definitely gone now, and she was stuck in the darkness. It should have been comforting, might have been comforting, except for the situation. For all she knew she was in a pitch black entry plug. Maybe the lights had simply failed. Someone would soon come and get her out. Shinji. Lieutenant Ibuki. Lietenant Aoba. They were all undoubtedly looking for her, and would find her, trapped wherever she was.

She wanted to believe this, but could not. Things were subtly different... just a bit off. Even the liquid in which she lay was wrong, far too smooth and viscous. Rubbing her fingers together she felt the smoothness, how her fingers easily slid off one another. Her arm was like a lead weight, her body weak.

_No. This isn't right. It's just another illusion._

Yes, an illusion.

_Why do you torment me? Am I not in enough pain?_

Apparently not.

She sighed, trying to still her thoughts, and not give Lilith anything to agree with, or disagree with.

* * *

Maya pinched the bridge of her nose, fighting off the vestiges of sleep for a few more precious hours as she pored over the mass of papers scattered over her desk. Even after the end of the world the paperwork never stopped, though she had to admit this time most of it had a purpose, detailing the damage already uncovered, the damage likely to uncovered in future months, and how much of it surprisingly still worked.

Structurally, the Geofront was still basically intact and viable. Of course, viable was one thing, but it was hard to ignore the massive hole that allowed sunlight to stream directly from the surface into the broken forestland below. Humanity would not be rebuilding the armor and erecting a second transforming city any time soon, that was for sure.

Oh, things were actually better than they were pre-third-impact, at least if you squinted. Most of Japan's infrastructure was still there, and with the population further reduced, the demand on its resources was significantly less. Almost everything was automated, which helped.

More importantly for Maya's own sanity, she now knew which past life was 'real'. The hole blown in the armor was made by a single maximum-strength N2, not the countless carefully-controlled blasts necessary to reduce an Angel to atoms while preserving the Geofront.

Her first memory was the real one. But what in the world was the second one? She picked up a piece of paper, staring at it but not really reading. In her second life, she had picked up paper like this many times. Ritsuko had been there, and everyone else she knew. It had felt as real as things felt now.

Now. Half the population reduced to gelatin, and her mentor dead. Dead for sure, she had seen the body floating grotesquely in the pool of LCL. A third of it had been sloshed out of its reservoir, but most of it was still there, waiting. For what?

Rebuilding had begun almost immediately, and she had accepted the request for help. With only less than half of the population left, they really needed her. For now it looked like she was the only surviving expert on the MAGI, at least in Japan. She didn't know what was happening in other parts of the world, but Japan was focusing most of its effort in recovering what it could from the remains of NERV.

There had already been expeditions into the broken Geofront. She had led the first of them, and had found Ritsuko. And Misato, dead and riddled with bullet-wounds. Out of the hundreds of bodies she had found, the worst had been the Commander. She had found him, or rather his headless body, collapsed deep in Terminal Dogma. She grimaced at the memory. It was just one more of the many mysteries surrounding what people were now calling the Event. No one wanted to call it what it was, which was third impact.

She sighed, sifting through the carefully-arranged mess for the report on MAGI. It was the real reason she had accepted her new reassignment. She had already overseen the reinitialization of the super-system, which had gone off flawlessly considering the situation. It had taken a few seconds too long on several of its self-diagnostics, but after long hours of poring over complex circuits and organiform tubing, she had found out why. The system had been forced to route a primary circuit around major damage to one of its core systems, reducing its speed by nearly thirty percent. After a few judicious replacements from the fast-dwindling supply of parts, Caspar had reported that she was now running fully in sync with her sister-systems.

For now, the system was isolated from its cousins oversees, at least until the other countries got their own systems back on-line. If they ever did. Though news had slowly come in from the other countries, she had heard not a peep about MAGI, Eva, or any of the other NERV installations elsewhere. America had been hit especially hard, with so few revivals proportional to its population, but Germany and NERV's second installation should have been on-line long ago. After all, they had none of the damage that Japan's installation had, and Japan was already up and running.

Still, they also did not have one Maya Ibuki, and German officials had already pleaded with Japan to send any experts on the MAGI that it could spare. Maya found it hard to believe she was the best in the world at the moment, but it really did kind of feel good.

"Lieutenant." She looked up at the rather bookish attendant who had stuck his head in her messy office. "He'll see you now." She nodded, pushing herself to her feet and looking around in satisfaction. While Ritsuko had never approved of her 'filing system', well, the woman couldn't very well complain now, could she? Her mouth quirked into a half-smile as she suppressed the tears and sadness. Turning, she nodded at the intense-looking man.

"Well, lead the way."

* * *

The room, her head, and her stomach were finally cooperating again, allowing her some relief. Asuka sat down heavily in the recliner, nearly groaning as the queasiness subsided. Maybe she would try eating again in an hour or so. Her eyes wandered over the mostly-furnished living room of the first-floor apartment they had finally settled down in. For now, at least. This one was more or less intact and salvageable, and had decent furnishings, which had made the choice for them. It had been over a week now, and they had yet to see a sign that anyone else had come back. If they were the only two survivors, the outlook was grim indeed, and whenever her symptoms gave her respite, it hung over her head like a guillotine.

She shook her head, standing with a sigh. How was it that she was the one moping around, while Shinji seemed to have things together? Stepping over to the window, she gazed out over the empty street, cracked pavement, and Shinji, his slow and balanced movements taking him across the concrete in smooth steps. She watched, entranced for a few long moments as he moved. His kata was sometimes a little stiff, but it was obvious he had been trained recently, by someone else.

She couldn't see him doing martial arts before third impact, and they had just woken up from a dream-world they had inhabited for over three months. Supposedly three months. She had no idea how much time had actually passed while they had been immersed in that non-reality. That non-reality in which Shinji had apparently begun learning martial arts.

She walked out and stood on the sidewalk, watching him as the wind played with the ends of her hair. He came to a halt smoothly in front of her.

"Hi," he said simply, calmly. She stepped forward, noting how he subtly tensed a bit. It was both gratifying and irritating to see that smart reaction. She struck at him, and he managed to avoid it in a relatively smooth motion, far different from the hard blocks she was used to. Launching a flurry of attacks, she sped up until one of her strikes barely clipped him, causing him to stumble. The exhilaration in his expression was tempered now.

"Not bad for three months' practice," she said, and he began to relax, now that it seemed she wasn't really trying to do him damage.

"Four months," he said, then stopped himself. It was an instinctual reaction to be able to correct her, but he obviously knew the two words were a mistake when he said them. She colored, obviously restrained herself, then sighed, looking into the distance blankly.

"So that's what you were doing." They both stood there for a moment. "Well, don't let me keep you." After another moment he shook himself, then went back to his practice. After several seconds of self-consciousness, he got back into his rhythm, as she slowly walked over to where he had set a duffel bag down by the fractured sidewalk.

Sitting down with some amount of inner relief, she picked out his ever-present notebook, flipping through it. She watched with inner amusement as, in his next turn, he saw what she was doing, and it affected his flow for a few moves. He corrected himself, obviously deciding to ignore her intrusion. Besides, most of it was about her anyway.

"Still writing your damned book," she muttered, just loud enough to reach his ears. Even so, she was unable to keep a slight grin from curving her lips. "You don't actually think anyone would want to read something like this, do you?" She softened her expression, realizing that statement sounded a little harsher than she had intended. As it turned out, she needn't have bothered. Shinji had stopped moving, and merely shrugged mischievously.

"Really, Asuka," he said, trying not to smile. "All during the war you wanted to be famous, and now I'm doing my best to give you that fame and you won't even-" he was cut off when she tackled him and wrestled him to the ground. It took longer than she would have liked, but she subdued him into a blushing heap soon enough.

"Thanks," she finally said, holding him down until he quit struggling and acknowledged her sentiment for what it was. She was about to let him up when he froze, his eyes locked somewhere below her chin. She colored and was preparing to lash into him for his pervertedness when she realized he was looking behind her, not at her. She looked over her shoulder as the unmistakable drone of a military VTOL became louder.

* * *

For the first time since her awakening, Maya's heart had leaped when she saw the two Children standing there in the middle of the road, watching as her military transport landed amidst a cacophony of high pitched whining. Could it really still be called the military? The MAGI were offline, and no one really knew yet how many of Japan's leaders had come back. And even if all of them had come back, pre-third-impact they had merely been figure-heads, signing off on whatever the MAGI told them to do.

No, the true power behind the government had been elsewhere, and it too had apparently come back. Weakened, yes, but back. Surely weakened, if former Lieutenant, now simply Maya Ibuki, could talk them down.

It had stunned her when a wizened old man had approached her soon after things had begun to settle down two days or so after the Return. What little crime there was had begun to settle down, the Japanese being a pragmatic people. When enough technicians had wandered in, many of the automated systems and power plants had been brought back on-line. At the time, the earth-shaking event of only two days prior had seemed like nothing more than a simple power outage.

One only had to look deeply into another's eyes to see the lie in that. It was quite certain that the psychiatrist's profession would be a very profitable one for the foreseeable future.

After a few moments' conversation, the wizened old man was looking less father-like and more menacing. Politically naïve Maya might have been, but it didn't take a fool to see that the only thing the man was interested in was how she seemed to be the only high-level MAGI technician to have come back. Of course, the fact that she had been under the direct tutelage of Ritsuko Akagi was icing on the cake.

It had been extremely unsettling the way the man had wound the conversation around to the Children, and whether they should be searched for, or merely ignored to go about whatever life they could find. Whether they should be found and liquidated because of possible security risk, or simply left alone.

Maya had told the man what she thought of his horrendous ideas, and had explained rather graphically exactly where he could shove his plans if they included hurting the Children in the slightest. Especially if he wanted her to help. He had simply raised his eyebrows quizzically, and acquiesced. Such a change in attitude had startled her, though it had also shaken loose a few further ideas about how to track down Asuka's whereabouts. Shinji was another matter, for his plug-suit had not returned a ping, but apparently the point was moot, for he was with Asuka.

It was hard to keep her vision from misting as she gazed at the two children on whose backs the world had rested for a time. Even from this distance it was easy to see the relief in their expressions, along with a host of other emotions.

Despite her own relief, she still couldn't lay to rest the sneaking suspicion that the wizened old man, whoever he was, and whatever hidden faction he represented, had been more interested in her response to his threats than anything else. As if he had been probing her for weaknesses.

* * *

_It cannot be this simple._

Okay, it isn't.

_Silence, you._

It had taken her a while, but across a period of time she could not measure, Rei had undergone many cycles of pain and peace, broken only by periods of muddled blurriness, and the occasional bout with her Angelic nature. She had fallen into a routine that at first she had not recognized.

There was, of course, no way to escape the pain, so she suffered silently for a while. But it had gotten worse and worse, until she began to cry out. It didn't help, but when she started, she couldn't stop. The more she tried to shy away from the pain, the worse it became.

When she noticed this, she tried to do the opposite, and simply relaxed. The pain was intense enough to draw tears from her eyes, but she stopped fighting it. It was still just as strong, it hurt just as much, but for some reason it was different.

Even now the tendrils of suffering wound their way through her, making her cry freely, but at the same time it was just a sensation. Eventually it would cease. And it did. She observed the momentary peace with the same wariness, now. It too was a temporary thing.

More than ever, she wanted another glimpse of the moon she had seen moments, hours, days, or even weeks ago. She felt the longing grow strong enough to be painful, and then just when it was most unbearable, it began to recede. This cycle repeated for some time, leaving her nearly breathless with cursing for her feelings, which were hurting her just as much as her body had hurt her.

When she finally understood, it was like finding an oasis in the desert. Feelings too would cease, since they had a beginning. Everything that had a beginning, also had an end, and everything that began and ended seemed to cause her stress and pain. Any happiness she gained when something enjoyable appeared, was taken away when that something left.

But pain and anguish also had a beginning and an end. Was everything a mirage? Was everything empty? She closed her eyes, or at least it felt like she closed her eyes. It didn't really matter in the darkness.

Thoughts came up, thoughts of Shinji, of her previous lives. She watched these thoughts arise, and watched as they eventually faded away. Sorrow came up at this idea, sorrow that everything was fleeting, that nothing had a sense of realness. She watched this sorrow build up, and then fade away. Emotion, too, was apparently empty.

Looking within herself, she searched for something real, something that did not have a beginning and an end. Everything she came across, everything she could think of either related to her life, or to others, or were simply thoughts or feelings.

Even her lifelong loneliness was empty. After all, it had ceased when she had met Shinji in their shared dream-world. It gave her a certain amount of comfort to know that even loneliness was empty, that it lacked any true power over her. Still, everything couldn't be empty. Surely there was something real in the middle of all this nothingness. For a moment she wondered at the oddity that her life really had been nothing but emptiness, nothingness. She had asked the Commander to let her return to nothingness, but she was already there, had always been there.

_Who am I?_ she wondered, coming back to her most fundamental question. _Who is it that is thinking? Who is it that is searching for reality?_

This one thought stilled all others as she considered it. Then it dawned on her like the blazing of the sun. The one searching for the realness, and the reality, they were one and the same. It was why she had so much trouble noticing. She had been trying so hard to find something real, she had not even considered that the reality was her.

_I am,_ she realized, overcome with relief. Her awareness was one thing that was, and always would be. If her awareness ceased, she would not even know it. Awareness was the only thing worth considering, since it was the only thing that was real. Her awareness, and the awareness of those around her.

No one was around her now, but that did not keep her from considering. All other useless empty thoughts became quiet as she pondered. _My awareness, and the awareness of others. What is the difference?_ The only difference between people's awareness was their reaction to it. At the base, everyone's awareness was the same, it was a person's reaction that made them different.

_I and Shinji are the same. _That was easy to accept. _He and I are the same, except for how we react to what we are aware of._ She paused, considering the next logical step. _I and Asuka are the same._ At some base level, they too were the same, though it was harder to accept. On the outside she and her counterpart were polar opposites. _As hard as it is to accept, she and I are the same. As is everyone on Earth._ Everyone on Earth was fundamentally the same, except for the thin veneer of emotions and reactions based on memory each person had built up over a lifetime.

Slowly her thoughts wound down, until all internal dialog was silent. She apparently had a subjective eternity to consider the nature of her current reality, but now she just wanted to rest. With no thoughts to disturb her, the only thing left was her slow breath, the slow rise and fall of her abdomen.

The next breath she took, a physical tingle ran down her spine. She breathed deeply, and the tingle grew stronger, quickly enveloping her whole body. She continued to breathe deeply, unable to stop herself from trembling at the strength of the exquisite feelings coursing through her. The strong feeling of pins and needles rushed through her, and she was unable to observe time properly, though she knew it couldn't have been more than a dozen breaths.

She clung to the vision of the moon, and the pleasurable feelings coursing through her at her realization. For a few long moments, she reveled in the feelings and the joy they brought, before catching herself. The feelings and the vision before her were transient, and so there was no point in grasping at them, in longing for them. The physical pleasure grew stronger, and with it grew the joy she felt, and her slow breathing.

The more she concentrated on how she was breathing in and breathing out, and how it affected her body, the more the feelings grew. Her breath was like a microcosm of existence. Each intake of breath had a beginning and end. Each out-breath also had a beginning and an end. Her breath as a whole, also had a beginning and end. It began with birth, and ended with death. But would her awareness end?

As she breathed, her breath became less and less noticeable, until it took all her concentration to feel the slight up and down motion of her chest. Soon the pleasure and joy kept increasing even though she lost track of her body. She focused completely on her breath, bearing down with concentration, her awareness held there by the good feelings.

Concentration brought good feelings, so she concentrated. She felt her mind becoming more stable, as the unsettling effects of her previous sorrow were now only a distant memory. The pleasurable feelings began to expand and contract as she focused on her breath, and moved her mind more deeply into itself. She moved ever deeper, unconsciously seeking escape from the feelings coursing through her. Whether they were good or bad, the feelings were strong, and in a way they hurt. Slowly the physical sensations bled away, leaving her with the mental joy she felt as she concentrated on her breathing. The mental joy was not nearly as disrupting, as painful as the physical pleasure had been, and she rested for a while.

No physical sensations arose to torment or disturb her. Her mind was solitary and still, her breath calm and free. A kind of radiance pervaded her body, as if the rays of moonlight were shining through her. If she wanted to, she could see the moon, and its whiteness. She had already summoned the sight, and banished it, playing with its brightness, making it expand and contract. She kept her concentration on her breath, and her calm.

It felt like her mind was bright and powerful, her body light. The subtle pain she had always felt from her Angelic DNA was gone, and the sense of her body felt steady and even, with no gaps in her awareness, allowing her to completely let go of her sense of pleasure and joy. Without having to focus on the mental stimulation of joy, she was able to concentrate even more deeply.

Her breath was now absolutely quiet, free from any hesitation. Her thoughts were neutral and still, no longer worried about the past or the future. For a moment it felt like her mind was shedding light in all directions, her breathing radiant and mind aglow. There was no sense body, of emotional feeling, of mind, or even of thought. They were all one thing, all part of her awareness.

She rested in this state for some unknown period, unable to keep track of such mundane things as time. Then she felt herself descend through the different states she had passed through, though much more quickly.

Returning to normal awareness, she simply lay there, resting in the afterglow of what had just happened. After a while she felt herself descend even further, and wondered what was next. Perhaps this was death. For some reason it no longer frightened her. Death was just one more ceasing. Everything began and ended, it was just a natural part of the world. If she were to die now, it wouldn't really matter. Shinji was hopefully taking care of Asuka, and their child, so she no longer had to be concerned about them. And with what she herself had just experienced, she felt complete. She relaxed, letting herself accept whatever would come.

As it turned out, she didn't die, she did something far more mundane. She fell asleep.

* * *

Shinji had known, without a doubt, that he and Asuka were alone, that they were doomed. He had seen the same knowledge in Asuka's eyes every day since she had awakened. The idea that they were probably the only people on earth had broken down a lot of barriers. Now they stood frozen, the wash of air from heavy-duty jet turbines rippling their hair and clothes as Maya ran out the open hatch of the VTOL, tackling the two stunned teens.

After coming to grips with the reality that they were no longer alone, Shinji became quite aware that he was squished up against a sniffling Maya and a suddenly tense Asuka. After an interminable moment fraught with potential danger, he felt her slowly relax. It was comforting. He had never truly been hugged, not since his mother had died. Well, Rei had hugged him, but their relationship had been terminated by the intrusion of cold hard reality.

"Thank God you're okay, thank God...!" Maya repeated over and over. Thankfully she released them before Asuka's grace period ran out.

"So others came back too? We're not alone?" Shinji asked hesitantly, still in shock. Asuka shot him a 'well duhh!' look before restraining herself as Maya shook her head.

"No. No! I mean, how did you guys miss everybody?" Her words almost stumbled over each other, she was still so relieved. "Where'd you wake up?" Shinji pointed mutely back past several rows of buildings towards the beach, over a dozen miles away. "-but," she obviously thought furiously. "That's where everybody else came from, that general area..."

"Yeah, well, Doctor Livingstone here couldn't _wait_ to go hiking, so-"

"-this is the area that suffered the worst damage," Maya continued, almost not realizing Asuka had spoken, and the girl immediately regretted what she had said. She glanced at Shinji, and the stricken look on his face was clouded by other hidden emotions. Automatic anger arose even though she tried to suppress it. Sure, he had to be down too, and what had happened had been a shock to everybody, but if only he'd kept in his pants... no, if only she hadn't gone along with it... no... She stood there wavering, trying to keep a lid on things, when Shinji seemed to sigh to himself, then shrug almost imperceptibly and grinned briefly before turning back to Maya, who was still going a mile a minute.

"If you'd gone anywhere else... or even if you'd stayed in the general area...!" Maya's frazzled words rolled right off of Asuka's stunned visage. It wasn't enough that she had been wrong about his character so many times before, or that to admit such a thing now would almost be too much to stomach, the problem was that doing nothing would be an even worse blow to her pride. She stared off into the distance past cracked buildings, suddenly tired in more ways than one.

What was the point anymore? Everyone had been laid bare in instrumentality, or at least she assumed others had gone through the hellish cross-examination she had been put through. The seemingly endless questions and judgments rendered by either her friends, or younger versions of herself, how everyone seemed to know all her deepest secrets, it had been enough to nearly drive her mad.

"So, are things okay now?" Shinji's question snapped Maya out of her giddiness, and Asuka looked at him, for once suppressing the instant judgments. "Are the hospitals back up, or is there some medical station-"

"I'm sorry!" Maya exclaimed, shaking herself abruptly, "Are you okay?" She looked him up and down, eyes suddenly more serious.

"Well, I've been having a kind of-" his attempt at explanation did not even slow her down.

"C'mon! Both of you can come with me. I came to pick you up, so we can leave immediately."

"How did you find us?" he asked hesitantly, when Maya gave him a moment's respite as the two of them turned back towards the VTOL.

"I pinged the passive locater built into Unit-Two's plug-suit," she explained, glancing towards Asuka. "It's a good thing you kept it with you!"

Asuka watched them go, then walked after them before Maya could turn her frenzied attention back in her direction. It was an almost sure thing Shinji had asked that question for her benefit, seeing her sudden weariness. He had glanced at her for just a moment there, and it wasn't a look of pity, nor did it contain enough worry that it impinged on her pride. It was just a little thing, and he had done it in such a way that she knew he had thought of her, but at the same time he hadn't make a big deal out of it or called attention to her situation. It showed a subtle understanding that she wouldn't have expected of him, and guilt began to creep its way into the back of her mind.

During the trip back she sat, chin in hand, elbow on her arm rest, staring blankly over the wounded landscape below. She was vaguely aware of Shinji questioning Maya about the state of things. Not once did he bring discomfort by giving her a worried stare, or a hesitant inquiry about how she was doing. He wasn't quite ignoring her. She saw how he always diverted the woman whenever she appeared to be about to ask about Asuka, and when he answered Maya's questions about their own experiences up till now, it was always in broad terms, staying away from the touchy parts. A part of her wanted him to pay a little more attention to her, or to ask that 'are you sure you're okay' question, but at the same time she knew if he did it would only tick her off. It was unsettling to see that contradictory part of her so plainly, and to have to recognize it for what it was.

Even if it was on the inside, she had to admit he was playing it smart in not telling Maya everything. Of course it would come out at some point that she was pregnant, but she was still too shaken up to think about the ramifications, or how to go about letting that important fact out. Being rescued had never crossed her mind, nor Shinji's as far as she knew, as they had not even discussed it.

* * *

The relief Shinji felt at not being alone was tempered by the subtle let down a return to normal always brought. The spartan apartment they had been given was far from what he knew Asuka was used to, but she didn't seem to mind. Or at least she wasn't letting it be known that she minded, and he couldn't remember a time pre-impact when she held back if something bothered her.

That was pre-impact, however. For a moment he considered the girl as she sat across from him in the apartment's sole recliner. He had taken a seat in a folding chair, and they were trading almost meaningless small talk. Even more oddly in his eyes, she had been the one to start it, and so he smiled and nodded and said whatever came to mind in response to whatever Asuka was saying, as he tried to figure out why things were different between him and his fellow pilot. Well, technically ex-pilot.

Ever since waking up he had somehow been able to keep from pushing her buttons, or rather he wasn't blundering like he had in his former life. Well, it was impossible to do everything right, but she hadn't left him or anything. Maybe that was it. Putting it bluntly, she seemed to need him, seemed to want a friendship, or even more. This time it was him who was a bit circumspect, still reminded of the ghost of Rei every time he looked into her eyes.

Of course, with Rei gone there seemed to be less and less to try to stay aloof, especially since she had told him point blank with her last words to take care of Asuka and the baby.

"Thanks," Asuka said after a pause, her eyes suddenly serious, if a bit pensive. It was such a sudden change in mood from the meaningless talk before that he just stared for a moment.

"For-"

"For not just blurting out to Maya that I'm pregnant," she said quickly, before he could fully ask. She wasn't quite looking at him now, and if he didn't know better just a hint of color was flirting across her cheeks, but he decided that was his imagination.

"No, it's okay," he said, waving off the sudden seriousness. It surprised him that she was even talking seriously about the important topic, since they had skated around it ever since waking up.

"Why is it okay?" she asked a bit softer, sad thoughtfulness in her voice. "Why is it always okay?"

"-no, you," he couldn't keep from smiling, and looked away so as not to have to directly face her. "If you weren't the way you were, you wouldn't be you." He forced himself to look back towards her. "You were right, when you said I need to be less of a wimp, and I've never really thanked you for that, even if I can't always live up to how you want me to-" He cut off when her expression began to slowly degenerate into hurt and anger.

_That's not me!_ Her expression implored silently, but he didn't know, not being a mind-reader. _Why are you fixated on the mask I put up for everyone else? That's not me...!_ The only thing he saw was how she was obviously trying to restrain the anger that had always come so quickly before, yet he was in the dark as to why it was even there.

"I mean, I'm used to it by now, so it's okay..." he tried again, but she simply got up, and walked out, and when she shut the door it wasn't quite a slam, but it was close.

_What'd I do?_ he wondered helplessly. Yet her actions had seemed so different from whenever he remembered her being angry before. She had always either berated him hotly, or simply ignored him totally. Somehow he felt like what he had just witnessed was true anger. _But if this was true anger, then what were all those times before? Was she really angry then?_

* * *

The morning sunrise was just as beautiful despite whatever else had befallen the planet, and the semi-permanent crimson rainbow caused by Lilith's dying wound painted a thin swath across the sky. It wasn't that Shinji was really self-conscious as he walked, but Asuka's presence, especially with her subtle changes in mood made things different.

Her previous anger had quickly cooled after less than a day, though she never told him what he had said wrong. Instead, she had begun joining him in his morning walks on the odd days when he awoke early. There was a kind of apologetic air between them, as if she recognized the fix he was in, but at the same time wasn't willing to explain whatever land-mine he had stumbled into in that conversation of a few weeks ago.

As it turned out, the reason they had not run into anybody was because they had left the beach so quickly, and on top of that had headed back into the wrecked Tokyo-3. Most of the survivors had clustered in the two towns nearest the edges of the once great city, and Maya simply couldn't understand why the two teens had traveled back into the city instead of seeking shelter elsewhere. Shinji didn't know how to tell her that the city, even with all its problems, was all he knew. He literally didn't even know where any of the other townships were located.

Sometimes they talked as they traveled the now familiar sidewalk through the small town where they lived, but mostly they just walked. Perhaps it was by mutual understanding that the more conversation there was, the more chance they had for misunderstanding, or maybe it was just the general mental weariness they had both felt since awakening. Even now no one really knew the effects temporary dissolution had on the survivors who had come back.

Maya had talked excitedly about the expeditions back into the ruined city, and especially about the possibility of reactivating the MAGI. If it happened, morale would definitely improve. People had gotten used to the comfort of being governed by the super-systems, and in truth they were needed more than ever to help efficiently oversee the rebuilding.

Shinji personally did not know of any word whatsoever from outside the mainland, though it was safe to assume that there were survivors elsewhere as well who were desperately rebuilding civilization where they were. Maya had told him once that they had picked up indications from the one satellite receiver they had operating that there was at least one other source tapping into that particular satellite, so at least somewhere there was probably someone with an operable system, unless it was just an automatic ping.

This early there were hardly any people up and about, and fewer were out walking around, so it was with quite a bit of surprise that Shinji happened to notice two others turn the corner not two blocks away. It took another few seconds for him to actually recognize who it was, and he heard Asuka gasp beside him. Walking, and now running, towards them was none other than Hikari, shrieking with delight as she ran, with Touji jogging behind. Jogging, Shinji noticed after a second stunned glance.

It was almost a mirror image of Maya's tackle, and it was the second time since awakening that Asuka had been tearfully hugged. Some back corner of Shinji's mind noted from her lack of tension that she at least seemed to be getting used to it. In the awkward silence males always endured whenever female counterparts did embarrassing things, Touji noticed Shinji's attention on his leg.

"Good as new," he said, patting his leg with a bit of a smile. The same wary eyes and distant expression marked him as one who had undergone a rougher experience than most during instrumentality.

"Well," Shinji said, "at least someone got something good out of all this." He was still unsure how he was going to endure everyone he knew acting like they'd been stripped naked and violated in front of everyone else. For all he knew that had happened to at least someone during their stay in that purgatory. He still had not even asked Asuka what she had undergone, but if it was anything like what he had experienced, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Where's Kensuke?" he asked, before he had a chance to think about it. The instant worry in Touji's expression, quickly pushed out of sight, told him all he needed to know.

"I'm sure he's somewhere around," Touji said, waving off his own hurt and Shinji's sudden apology. "He wouldn't miss this for the world. He's probably off somewhere looking for his camera."

After a long silence Asuka spoke, cutting through the discomfort.

"Want to come over for dinner?"

"Tonight?" Hikari asked. "We've already got the ingredients for what we're going to make for out own supper though."

"So bring it over, and we'll cook at our place," Shinji offered.

"Can't," Hikari said quickly. "It's too big to move." Shinji looked surprised and a little amused at this.

"So use the small one I have."

"Absolutely not! It would ruin the taste-"

The argument went on for another minute and a half before Touji stepped in. "Are we gonna have to settle this with rock-paper-scissors?" he asked in a tired voice.

"How about an arm-wrestling contest?" Asuka taunted. Touji apparently caught only her jovial tone, and missed the deadly serious eyes.

"You're on!" Touji proclaimed, then his shaking finger paused, and a look of terror entered his face. "Wait, what've I done? Shinji, man, help me!" he implored. "I've just signed my soul away to the Red Devil!"

"Can't help you there," Shinji answered matter-of-factly. "I've already done that myself."  
Touji began to whimper as Asuka dragged him off.

* * *

Light from the lamp to his left played over the pages of his notebook, and he chewed absentmindedly at the tip of his pen as he considered the carefully penned words he had so far. So far, the top of the pen was pretty wrecked. Asuka floated through the living room and brushed by his chair on her way from the bathroom to the bedroom, and he tried to ignore the gesture without making it too obvious.

"Shinji," her voice floated through the open door. "We've got to leave pretty soon." Her voice carried none of the stress she was feeling if she was prodding him this openly.

"Hn. Yeah..." He went over the words again. The feeling wasn't quite right. He wanted to accurately present the odd fear he had always felt around Asuka. How her casual nonchalance had constantly questioned whether she even knew he existed, while at other times the littlest of things, like a smile in the hallway after the lava-dive, seemed to carry so much meaning. That constant fear, how it was so obvious she didn't need him or anyone, and could leave him at any time. The desperate quest to keep her attention, and how it always backfired. That was how it had been in reality. In the dream, she had already changed, the mask having slipped a bit.

"Hikari will worry if we're too late."

"Hn, yeah..." Now he was beginning to feel like he always had when she woke him up to go to school. If he could just get a few more minutes to gather his thoughts it would be fine, otherwise he might lose the thread he had such a tenuous grasp on. Suddenly a familiar I'm-Ticked expression slid into view as Asuka shoved her nose up to his.

"If you 'hn, yeah' one more time I'm going to 'hn yeah' right up your..." She happened to glance down at his latest section. After a moment of reading, her hard expression had vanished behind pink cheeks. "Don't write about something like that!"

"Something like what?" he said, trying the innocent look. It didn't fly, and she opened her mouth to castigate him, but he beat her to the punch. "You know, this story is benign compared to some of the stuff I know."

"I'll murder you in your sleep-!" her blush had turned dangerous.

"You could do that to someone you like?" He asked confidently. The tone he had tried for had its effect, and she went scarlet. She immediately turned, trying unsuccessfully to hide her face.

"Give it!" she tried to snatch he notebook away, but he was already out of the chair and running. A chase ensued. Shinji happened to bump into the lamp-stand beside the recliner, and took note of Asuka's concerned look, and how she stopped for a moment to keep it from falling. He mowed a swath to the bedroom door, listening for the satisfying shriek of rage that came moments later.

"As soon as I fix this room, I'm finding that book!" she yelled from the other room. "And then you're next, buster!"

"Maybe I'll enjoy that," he called back. After several clatters of things being returned to where they went, he heard a huff and a sigh as she apparently sat down somewhere. He paused in his efforts to look for a suitable hiding place for the manuscript.

Another sigh. "Fine," she finally said. "Look, we're really going to be late, so-"

"It's no fun when you just give up like that," he called back in a sad voice. Silence greeted his remark, and he was just about to stand and get ready to go when she was at the doorway and across the room in a very few graceful silent movements. He found himself held against the wall, her fingers on several vital points including his throat. The dangerous glint in her eyes warned him against the futility of using his own skills.

_Did I go too far?_

"Don't mess with me," she said, her voice quiet and hard.

"'kay?" he finally managed to gasp. Thoughts of a pleasant evening meal with his old school friends left his mind as he desperately tried to think of a way to defuse the situation.

"Shinji?" she asked, her voice still deadly. He was about to reply when her expression softened. "Gotcha," she said, releasing him. Humor and a bit of gloating sparkled in her eyes as she turned to go. She silently padded back to the living room, and he let out the breath he didn't even know he had been holding.

* * *

Every morning that Shinji awoke to the feel of a reality free of other minds cramming their way into his, free of mind-numbing suicides (and the occasional Rei-icide), and most importantly a reality where time wasn't under his control, he thanked whatever powers there were.

Most people might envy the ability to turn back time, but the drawback was that he had gone through an impact each time it had happened. There had actually been a point where he had somehow grown used to the horror inflicted on his psyche each time it happened. He had found ways of coping, somehow. And none of it was even real.

It didn't matter. He was free of it now, and that was it. Not that he really regretted what had happened in the dream. The happy moments he had spent with her were priceless in his mind, but it was kind of like finding a flower in the middle of a field of mud. To reach it you had to get really dirty.

Turning his head to the side, he saw that Asuka's futon on the other side of the room was empty, which was not surprising. There were times when Shinji got up early, but Asuka always got up on the dot at the usual absurd hour.

At this point he happened to notice that the blankets to his left were mussed up and his left side barely tingled with a bit of warmth. So maybe Asuka hadn't gotten up earlier in the morning. What was it about him that made every girl he got close to try to molest him in his sleep? Well, except Akira, but then again he hadn't slept with her-

He abruptly cut off the strange thread of thought, unable to keep a blush from crawling up his face. No, Asuka had just awoken, he could hear her in the bathroom, water splashing as she apparently washed her face. In fact he could see her reflection in the mirror through the partially open door. She had just finished drying her face, her hair in careful disarray, and was reaching for a brush when he realized that she could also see him in the same reflection.

He knew it was no use trying to explain why he was blushing, so he waited for the inevitable negative reaction. It didn't come, and he watched as her own cheeks went slightly pink, then she went back to brushing her hair. It so stunned him that he just lay there blinking dully as he tried to grasp the situation.

_Why isn't she getting angry?_ he wondered. There had never been a time in the past when she had acted like this. _Is this something new, something else I'm going to have to watch out for?_ It took him a moment to fully realize how simple it was. This wasn't something, it was the real her, the one she had never shown him before. It was hard to think of her as anything but the brash young woman who had always treated him nonchalantly and kept him at arm's length. But that was the point. Whenever she had pushed him away, she had never completely shut him out. Which must have been why she got so angry before. It hit him all at once, and the revelation nearly took his breath away.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

She didn't berate him, she didn't get angry, she just looked at him through the mirror, question in her eyes, perhaps wondering what he meant.

"I'm sorry for thinking the way you always acted was really you," he explained, relieved when her further calm validated his guess. And he really was sorry. His mistake had only worsened the constant clashes between them. "I'm sorry for always misunderstanding, back then, and for not being someone who could really stand by you as a friend." If anything, the shade of pink on her cheeks got worse.

"How can you say such embarrassing things?" she finally managed to ask in a small voice. Shinji grinned and chuckled, unable to help himself.

"Well, I finally realized it's the truth," he admitted.

* * *

Wind rushed through the tops of the trees alongside the road they walked, Shinji to whatever construction project his supervisor had him on, and Asuka to her work with Maya on the MAGI. The two of them were making trivial conversation, and it was nice. She never would have said so in the past, but Shinji was a decent hard-working person, and she was happy to be his friend. Several weeks ago she had told him that, though not in so many words, and had watched in amusement as he had blushed and floundered. Whatever else had changed, at his core he was still the same.

The past months hadn't been perfect, but with the careful amount of leeway she had given him, he had not made any mistakes serious enough to strain a friendship, and it really hurt her to think about how she had misjudged him in the past.

"That guy at your site isn't giving you any more crap, is he?" she asked suddenly.

"Nah," Shinji replied. "We haven't actually had a fight or anything, but he's backed off."

"Oh?" she said, suddenly feeling suspicious for some reason.

"Yeah," Shinji said, looking a little too full of himself for her taste. "I kind of told him that even if he did win a fight with me, my girlfriend would beat his ass into the ground."

Asuka snorted to cover a desperate outburst of laughter, and didn't manage to suppress an embarrassing giggle.

"Yeah, but after I beat him, I'd pound you into the ground for losing." Her eyes silently dared him to react to her giggle. "You know, you don't have to go out there and do such dangerous work," she said after another moment. "With what the government's given us, we could live comfortably."

"I know," he said. "I just want to do something meaningful though. Something to at least begin to help fix all this."

"Of course you do," she said softly. His expression had turned glum, but she refused to baby him or try to cheer him up. It was enough that she didn't chew him up for falling into such self-deprecation. He glanced at her suddenly, and she got a bad feeling. She steeled herself, preparing for whatever embarrassing or unintentional slight he might accidentally say.

"You don't have to work either," he reminded her, glancing down at her stomach, which had only just barely started to even begin to show signs of growth. "Has the doctor said anything about-"

"Shinji, I'm not going to be a weakling!" She managed to curtail anything further, but the lack of trust he had displayed was too appalling to just let slide. Yes, he cared, but couldn't he trust her to know how far to push herself? "How often do you just forget everything you know about me?" She asked, still unable to completely take the bite out of her tone. And of course next he would apologize, and she'd have to hold herself back, and then-

"No," Shinji admitted. "I really stepped in that one, didn't I?" She stared at his rueful expression for a few moments, almost wondering if he had really defused things that quickly. He had never been that smooth in the past.

"Yep," she finally answered, looking back forward again as they continued walking.

* * *

"-c'mon Hikari, that would be like surrendering his manhood!" Touji's voice was as teasing as it usually was when the normally withdrawn boy spoke.

"Only an idiot would think that Shinji and Asuka don't like each other," Hikari scolded her recalcitrant charge. The two subjects of conversation were visible in the distance on the lonely road.

"Don't do it, Shinji," Touji murmured, trying to ignore Hikari's elbow jabs. "-don't do it, man..."

In the distance Shinji did it. Hikari watched, half-shocked as Asuka put her arm around the boy in a half-hug before giving him a gentle shove in the direction he was headed. He turned and said something, she smiled, and then he walked away. All in all, this kind of thing wasn't at all what she knew of Asuka, even though she had tried to push her in that direction during the war. Asuka had apparently noticed Hikari and Touji, for she stood there waiting for them to catch up.

"Go on ahead, Touji," she whispered.

"What? But-"

"Don't argue, just go!" she said, winking to take the sting out of it.

"Alright, alright!" he raised his hands in surrender and angled off towards the road Shinji had taken. "Girls and their girl-talk," he muttered as he left. He yelped when she swatted him, trying to look hurt, but failing miserably when he saw her mischievous smile. "See ya later," he said, waving as he turned to go.

"Yeah, later," she answered softly.

She walked up, met Asuka, and they continued walking towards the ruined Tokyo-3. The construction site where the two boys worked was quite a distance from where Maya and her team were working on restoring the MAGI, and as always there was plenty of time to talk. But as always, she could tell that Asuka was holding things back. She had done this during the war, so Hikari was used to it by now, but that was different. At that time Asuka had been privy to state secrets and was under obligation not to talk. But now they both had the same clearances, and it hurt that Asuka was still hiding things.

She never pushed Asuka over it, that just wasn't the way she did things. It wouldn't have felt right. Nor did she try to figure it out herself. If Asuka didn't want to tell her things, she did not want to know. To find out accidentally would be even worse. But the lack of trust still hurt

For a moment she wondered if Shinji actually knew more secrets about Asuka than Hikari herself knew. The two had become close, at least to any outside observer, and Hikari knew Asuka wasn't playing with him. She really had let the boy past her defenses for whatever reason.

_What would make her do that?_ She observed Asuka as they walked and chatted. On the average, everyone was a bit more open than they had been. For all a person knew, his dirty laundry had been hung out for everyone to see during impact, so there seemed less point in hiding things. And yet Asuka was more closed than ever, with everybody except Shinji it seemed.

She spent time with others, more with Hikari than anyone else, but the wall was always there, even if they never discussed it. At least she wasn't sick any more. No matter what questions she had, it was never easy to watch someone run to the bathroom suddenly, and know something was wrong.

Asuka had been sick for over a month. Too long to be food poisoning. Surely it didn't take a month to find out what you were eating that was making you sick. And it wasn't some kind of virus, or they wouldn't have let her come to work. What else could it be?

It didn't come all at once, and at first she didn't even believe it when the idea came to her. She certainly couldn't tell just by looking at her life-long friend, but it began to make a horrifying kind of sense. The temporary sickness, the girl's new openness towards Shinji.

"No!" she squeaked, hands flying to her mouth. "You, you didn't! You two, you...!"

Asuka's immediate look of consternation was all the answer she needed.

"But, but why? How?? You two aren't even-"

"We're getting married, Hikari," Asuka said, trying to cover over the sorrow she felt at having hidden things for so long. "It was going to be announced at the state dinner a week from yesterday."

"When?" Hikari breathed.

"In a few months, when things settle down a little more." She looked like she wanted to say more, but couldn't.

"I'm not mad," Hikari said quickly. "Not, not really. I mean, I'm happy for you, for both of you."

"We didn't tell anybody," Asuka said with a stricken look. "It wasn't just you. You're probably the only one who's guessed right."

"What about the doctor?" Hikari asked.

"Well, it's not like we could hide it from the doctor," Asuka admitted. "Hikari, look-"

"Didn't I just say I wasn't mad?" Hikari smiled and wiped the edges of her eyes. "It's not like I'd just cut you off because of something like this. Is that why you kept waiting?"

Asuka started to speak several times, before finally answering.

"The longer we put off telling everybody about it, the more awkward it became," she finally admitted glumly. "Hikari, I..." she fell silent for a moment before continuing. "I love him, Hikari, but I don't think this is what he wants. I mean, we didn't plan for this, it just happened."

"This kind of thing doesn't 'just happen'," Hikari exclaimed in mock-fury feeling satisfaction when Asuka at least chuckled, recognizing the humor.

"We were alone. I was defeated, and he had just melted everyone on earth down into puddles of jello." Asuka's voice held faint irritation, though it wasn't really directed at her. "I was tired of holding back, Hikari. I think he was too. We both knew we were dead, especially if there was no one else left alive. What would you have done?"

Hikari didn't answer, partly because she was still a little shell-shocked, and partly because she really wasn't sure.

* * *

"_Hell_ no!" Asuka continued dragging the hapless boy behind her, not giving him time to be embarrassed the she was holding his hand. "I already told you, you're not wearing your school uniform!This is supposed to be a formal dinner you nitwit!"

"What, umm, what do you mean?" Shinji asked, trying to sound suspicious.

"You think I don't remember what happened back in that, that _thing,_" she yelled, referencing the his date with Akira inside instrumentality. "Just because you feel secure now that you've got a girl doesn't mean you can go to pot!" Shinji tried not to smile. "You're representing me now, so it's makeover time," she said more calmly.

It wasn't until later in the day after she had critically worked him over that she noticed he was enjoying the attention. She tore into him for a good five minutes, noting quite well how even as he squirmed, he wasn't really worried. Finally she just stood there, tapping her foot, arms crossed as she surveyed her newly made-over charge.

"...umm, Asuka, I didn't really mean to-"

"If you wanted to go out and do something with me, all you had to do was ask," she said more quietly.

"Let's go eat something, then," he said, not looking away.

"Alright," she said after a moments' pause. "Nowhere cheap, mind you," she instructed him. "I know what the government's given you."

"The same thing it's given you," he reminded her, heading off to the south side of the mall where all the expensive restaurants were.

"How do you know?" she chided him, catching up and looking sidelong at him. He shrugged nonchalantly. "What, you're not going to ask?" she prodded.

"How much did the government give you, Asuka?" he asked innocently, and she jabbed him with her elbow.

"You're no fun to tease any more."

* * *

"Sir, you really don't have to-"

"Nonsense," Fuyutsuki cut off Shinji's embarrassed apology with a wave and a tired smile. "What you two are doing is very courageous." He put one hand on the young man's shoulder, and the other on the young woman at his side. "After all you've done for us, I'm going to be the one to announce your engagement, and that's final." Shinji squirmed a bit underneath the kind old man's powerful aura, then set his expression for a moment.

"Did you ever talk like this to my father?" The question was spoken without any trace of the loathing he could have felt, the hatred he was justified in feeling, or the respect a child has for a parent.

"At times, yes," the man answered, looking Shinji up and down, and finally nodding in satisfaction at whatever changes he decided he liked. Shinji was so absorbed in the give and take of the short conversation that he jumped when Asuka threaded her arm through his and pulled him towards the door. He saw from her expression that she was perturbed. They traveled through the door of the spacious office down the hall towards the elevator that would take them to the level where the ballroom was located.

"You know, I like how you've changed, but sometimes you can sure be a mood-buster when you open your mouth!"

He blinked, then smiled.

"I love you too."

"That wasn't-!" The finger on his chest pushing him up against the wall froze, then dropped when the lift doors opened, and another couple stepped in. Shinji sweated as the couple stood, whispering to each other and giggling silently. They were in their own world, and the fake smile on Asuka's face outshone the fluorescent lamp overhead. His arm, however, was beginning to go numb from the death grip of her arm threaded through it. The only upshot that his hormones had already discovered was that she was hugging his arm against something soft. Numbers slowly ticked downwards. The doors eventually opened, and the couple stepped out, never having even given any indication they knew anyone else was present in the elevator.

"Pervert!" She swatted him over to the other side of the elevator.

"Is that any was to speak to your fiancé?" he asked, feigning a hurt look as he rubbed his shoulder. "Besides, it's not like we haven't already-"

When the elevator dinged, a solemn old man walked regally into the compartment to find Asuka frozen, one hand holding the boy's collar, pushing him against the wall, the other hand covering his mouth. The old man harrumphed once, then settled into the middle of the elevator, facing the door, ignoring the two young upstarts.

For thirty long seconds the elevator was filled with silence. The man stood like a statue, Shinji glanced up at the ceiling and resisted the urge to try to hum nonchalantly, while trying to ignore the murderous aura emanating from his wife-to-be, who stood to his right, her arms crossed over her chest. Fortunately for Shinji's new clothes, the man stayed with them down to the ball-room floor level.

The dinner was a long formal affair, and the speakers droned on and on. By this point the raw embarrassment and shock in the face of the people you passed in the street was covered over by time and new experiences, but one only had to look closely to find traces of it still present and showing, especially at an event like this that was so strong a reminder.

Still, even a teenager had limits, and all of them that were present were beginning to fidget or shift in their seats, until the Prime Minister reascended the podium and began to give his thanks to those who had so valiantly fought to preserve reality.

He read off names of those living, and of those dead, giving special mention to the pilots, including Touji since he had been a pilot for however brief a time. Shinji saw the boy blushing as a very prettily dressed Hikari leaned over and whispered something in his ear. He glanced over to his left to where Asuka sat, and was still taken aback by how beautiful she had made herself.

Her hair had been done up into an extremely complicated and delicate bun with two wispy curls hanging down outlining her face. This left her shoulders bare and in Shinji's opinion the only thing holding up her dress were her curves. No matter how much it hurt to be reminded of Rei, he couldn't keep himself from glancing at her, and he only barely kept himself from ogling, which she would have bitten his head off of for even if she did enjoy the attention.

The Prime Minister continued extolling the now-partially-declassified exploits the Eva pilots had performed, and somehow he had expected Asuka to be soaking up the glory more than she was. He had to consciously remind himself that most of that had been the front she showed to the world, and still showed for the most part unless they were alone.

The Prime Minister surrendered the podium to Kozou Fuyutski, who proceeded to give a eulogy to Rei, which included a bit more about her past than had ever been released before. By the time he had finished there were few dry eyes in the place, and anyone with a free mind and an open heart, and who had been paying attention, would have noticed soft laughter and a flash of pastel blue hair.

But no one here was such a person. In fact, there were only two people in all of Japan who could claim such attributes, and the one of them who happened to be paying attention indeed saw. This particular monk had been sitting in meditation before third impact, had continued to sit during, and was sitting now. To him the entire thing had been nothing more than the changing of seasons. Some might have considered such a view to be cold or callous, but to the monk things were just the way they were. Life had been before, and would continue after.

Sitting in an abandoned temple many miles away, the old monk smiled, for it was not often he saw something new. This presence was indeed something unique, he knew. This presence, this she, had not attained the realm she currently inhabited, not by her own efforts, but she had certainly earned the right to stay at that position. Seeking back along the parts of her lifeline he could see, it was evident that her situation was unique. Usually when one passed beyond the veil their position in the cosmos was set, since suffering no longer existed in any real sense, and they could no longer be tempered into further improvement.

But this she, this Rei, was not completely disconnected from the earthly plane. Yet she was also not technically alive. In fact, any suffering she underwent was create by her alone. He almost shuddered to think of what she had gone through before finally understanding her plight. Then he actually did shudder when he considered the possibilities.

With all possible suffering right there at her call, the only limits to her improvement were the limits in her own mind. Yet with such such a great capacity to succeed, and attain unimaginable heights, there was just as much capacity to fail, and if she did the depths to which she would fall were just as inconceivable.

The temptation to free her from this horrifying potential was almost too great for him to control. Almost. Carefully he withdrew what little power he had. If he had freed her, she would have been safe, at very nearly the realm he had access to, but he could see the bent and the needs of her soul. While she would have been grateful to him, that small sorrow at what might have been would torture hor as long as she existed.

Plus, who was he to decide? It was her test to pass or fail. He sighed with relief. Perhaps he had just passed his own test, in a way. It didn't matter. Calming his mind, he prepared to return to the practice he had already undertook for the better part of thirty years. That was when Rei apparently noticed his attention. He sat, fascinated, as they conversed on a level and at a speed few humans would be able to grasp, even if most of it was concentrated emotion rather than actual words or concepts. He smiled once more. Perhaps there was something he could do for her after all.

The monk laughed aloud as Rei showed him her wish. Watching the lifelines of all those that would be involved, he saw that there would be tests for many people in the upcoming months. And to think that he would have a part in it. It really would be so very boring when this was all over and events settled back to normal. Then again, that too was probably a test.

* * *

Months passed, and things returned to a kind of normal as the survivors fell into routines that allowed them to forget what had happened. In the luxurious apartment that two fifteen year olds now called home, one of them was in the kitchen, humming a sad German tune to herself as she worked. She had done her hair in her own mock-up of the style she worn at the formal dinner months ago, just to get it out of the way.

She had been sleeping better now, and it no longer bothered her that what had brought the change was sleeping close to him. It was almost enough to soothe the hormonal changes she was going through now. Morning sickness had left her two months ago, but now she was getting to the part she had dreaded, knowing pregnancy as she did, having studied it in her various schooling.

It wasn't enough to sleep better. Or rather, her better feeling only made things worse when she had these sudden urges to curl up against him and melt into the mattress. Or maybe go further. It was hard to hold herself back, to keep her addled emotions in check, even knowing that it was the changes in her system that were causing it.

The strong feelings crept their way around her mind, looking for weakness, for an opening. What harm would it do to get close to him? She couldn't hold him at arms length forever, and she wasn't going to leave him. She had realized that long ago. She had no doubt that she could take care of herself and their child by herself, no doubt at all. But that was the point – their child.

Her little girl wasn't going to grow up without a father. Shinji would be there if she had to drag him kicking and screaming. Which brought things full circle. What was the point of holding him at arms length if he was supposed to be there for their child?

She jumped suddenly at Shinji's footsteps in the hall, having somehow missed the quiet sound of the door. Her tune abruptly stopped as she turned to see a strange look in his eyes. He was just standing there staring at her, surprise and dismay evident in that subtle frown. She tried to puzzle out what he was feeling until she abruptly realized what had happened.

It wasn't the first time she had cooked, but it was the first time he had caught her at it. It shouldn't have been a big deal. Wouldn't be if he wasn't so darned sensitive about this kind of thing. She quashed the sudden urge to blame it all on him. He slowly walked over, sat down. The table and chair creaked in the silence. He stared blankly, chin in hand, elbow on the table as she silently cursed herself. The boiling pot in front of her spat defiantly, unhappy at being forgotten.

His empty expression was frightening. He had always been easy to read, easy to understand, and she hated being frightened. He wouldn't leave her just over something like this, couldn't, right? So she had refused to cook during the six months at NERV. So she had let him do all the cooking since they had awakened on the beach. Well, he was a good cook! What was so damn wrong with letting him go and take care of everything since it was in his nature anyway?

"I'm sorry." For a moment she was stunned she had just said that. But she was sorry. Now everything would be fine, as long as he didn't have a heart-attack over her apologizing since it was so rare.

No change. That blank look hadn't even flinched. "Shinji, I'm sorry!" She sat down across from him, taking his hands. "I'm really sorry!" The two wisps of red hair outlined her face as she desperately searched his eyes for any reaction at all. At that moment he looked so cold his face was a chilling reminder of his parentage.

He blinked, and his face softened. Her relief was tempered by how unworthy a part of her felt of his forgiveness.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, silently cursing the part of her that was so scared of that blank expression he had worn. This was beyond new territory, and it didn't feel good at all. He might do anything, maybe he'd get embarrassed and clam up, or maybe he'd break down and look weak.

"It's burning."

She blinked at his words.

"What?"

"Don't let the food burn," he repeated.

As she turned to rescue her food, she tried to decide if his calm response was the best. _Don't let the food burn, he says._ Like the food was the important thing. No, that was just a diversion, to break the odd mood. She hoped. This coldness though, this awkwardness, it didn't feel good, and if it was going to be the automatic response whenever they ran into something like this, she would have to have a talk with him.

Her thoughts were wildly cut off as she felt arms surround her.

"I'm sorry too."

She didn't ask why he was sorry. She was too busy trying to figure out how he could, at times like this, always react in a way that was so unpredictable it wasn't funny.

"It's awkward, and that's partly my fault."

"Why?" she snapped at him, fighting both the strong urge to push him away, and the even stronger urge to turn and melt into him. "I'm the one who always treated you like crap!" He didn't say anything, and he didn't let her go. She struggled to get out of his grasp, pulled against arms she still felt unworthy of. She stopped abruptly, everything suddenly erased from her mind by a certain unmistakable sensation.

"She moved."

"What?"

She took his hand and placed it on her stomach. Fate smiled, and the young child moved again, under his hand. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him, the previous trouble forgotten. He had a look of open wonder on his face, and she knew her own expression mirrored his.

A knock sounded, and she looked over towards the door in surprise. They both had made acquaintances in their respective jobs, but neither had actually invited others over to their home for any reason. She slipped out of his embrace and left him to tend the stove while she saw to whoever this was.

The darkened living room was immaculate to the untrained observer, but her roving eyes found enough out of place to make her wince inside. She crossed the room and touched a button. The door slid open with a hiss to reveal a man who, despite being bedraggled, was obviously not a vagrant.

"Greetings! I would have a word with you."

His voice was high and quavering, and as he spoke, a chill crawled up her spine. It was quite obvious that he was insane. Not take-a-gun-and-mow-down-a-crowd insane. No, he was completely deranged. No one else would come up to a total strange and start spouting off intricate details about a top-secret project that few knew about, and secrets about a genetically engineered human that almost no one knew about.

Psychotic he might have been, but the information he had was far more detailed than even what she knew. She didn't believe everything he said, couldn't. If she did, her entire world would fall apart. But how much could she believe? He came to the end of his speech, turned without further word or goodbye, and walked away.

She glared at his back, trying to decide how much of what he said was true. The only way to know that would be to investigate for herself.

* * *

For the second time in his life Shinji found himself lying next to a girl in a dark room and wondering why things felt so cold between them. Somehow he knew that this time he couldn't reach over, take her hand, and ask her directly, like he had done with Rei. Asuka was likely to give him a withering glare and stalk off to sleep somewhere else.

Maybe. Then again, he still couldn't get used to the way she was so much more calm and open when they were alone. Around others she was the same bouncy outgoing, sometimes arrogant girl that he knew from NERV, but when they were alone she was a completely different person. He could almost feel her relief that she had someone she didn't have to show herself off to.

It had been a great boost to his own confidence that she allowed him to see this other side of her, the true her. The part she never showed to anyone else. He alone saw her openly search for words when they talked over dinner, and idly traded stories from their respective works. To him she showed her embarrassment over things that embarrassed her, happiness when she felt it, or depression when it crept up on her, and he tried to do the same.

It was sometimes hard to appear in public with her, because he couldn't be his usual self around the total exuberance she displayed to everyone else. He was forced into the role of her straight-man at first unwillingly, and then willingly when he understood her better. It almost became a game to be the perfect counter to her personality until one day she had dragged him up against the wall of their apartment and told him that if his games ever outright embarrassed her in public, their next sparring session would get brutal.

"_Yes ma'am!" _he had said, and maybe it was something about the way he had said it that caused that strange look in her eyes. It hadn't been real fear he had felt, he had truly wanted to follow her wishes, to make her happy. She had gone from holding him by his collar against the wall, to kind of leaning against him, her head on his chest. He had felt safe in putting a hesitant arm around her, but that was as far as that had gone. It had felt almost as if she were testing the water.

All of this came up in his mind, as he considered his life with the one who was now bearing his child. So why was she being so cold to him all of a sudden? It had all begun after that formal government dinner, where they had announced their engagement. Or had planned to, anyway. The dinner had been cut short due to some emergency in the still-dangerous Tokyo-3. So much of it was still in danger of collapse, and a part of it had, apparently. He still didn't know the details. Was she mad because they hadn't been able to put their relationship in the open?

Well, it wasn't that she was really being cold towards him, she just seemed more preoccupied. They still talked, still ate together, still acted like a couple, but it was like she was now holding him at arm's length for some reason. He had no idea why she might suddenly do that, when it had always been her that had sought to be close to him ever since awakening.

After all, they would be married soon, whether or not they had been able to announce it openly as they had wanted. A part of him hated it, but the real girl in front of him was slowly erasing the image in his mind of Rei, and what they had done together in the dream. Sometimes he found himself walking along the beach where he had awoken, and looking out over the waves, hoping to catch a single glimpse of the girl that had meant so much to him.

He found himself making the journey less and less, because every time he did Asuka seemed to be more withdrawn for a day or two, and it was uncomfortable. As he drifted into unconsciousness, he wasn't aware of his companion, who had been carefully observing him, waiting for him to go to sleep.

Slowly and carefully, so as not to disturb him, she dressed, and picked up a backpack she had prepared before hand. His backpack, actually, because it comforted her. She stood slowly, aware of the twinges in her back and hips from the child growing inside her, making its weight quite known now that almost five months had passed since conception.

The journey she was about to take was necessary, even if she didn't believe the insane monk. She had to know, absolutely, for her own sanity to remain intact. She cast a gaze back on his peaceful sleeping form, memorizing his features, as if it might be the last time she saw them. The raw pain on her face would have been uncomfortable to see, had anyone else been there to see it.

* * *

Over the past months, Rei had traveled far, without ever leaving her cocoon. She knew quite clearly where she was by now, but it was okay. She often traveled the road inwards, exploring the realms of consciousness, and each time she went a little further. Sometimes she seemed to make tremendous progress, and others it was almost like she was going backwards.

For a while, she worked earnestly, seeking a way of escape, but she had seen the futility of that after a few weeks. After that, she had earnestly sought to better herself, to reach perfection before her inevitable death. Death which would not be quick in coming, since the liquid in which she lay somehow nourished her. But then this body would have had to be kept alive to be of use as part of the dummy plug.

After further weeks of concentration in which she seemed to make almost no progress, she had given up in despair, and prepared to wait things out. It was then that she came to the soul-shaking realization that seeking perfection or completion was not only improbable, it was illogical. That which was perfect and unchanging could never be 'attained' because of the very fact that it was unchanging. Besides, what was she trying to become? The very act of being aware was enough.

After that, the sky seemed to have opened up, and it wasn't long before she could summon any scene she wanted just by thinking it. At first she assumed that the scenes she was observing were illusion, or things she imagined to keep from going crazy, but she had within the past week observed what appeared to be work crew working along the broken Geofront. That in itself had not been as shocking as when one of them had activated a sonic drill, and she both heard and saw it in the vision, and at the same time felt it through the plug wall, vibrating the liquid in which she was immersed.

She had been forced to admit that she was observing reality. She had spent long days questing outwards with her consciousness, observing sights she had never experienced in her sheltered life in the Geofront. Other than her travels, she spent much of her time observing Shinji and Asuka grow together. It was fulfilling to see the one she loved piece himself back together, even though a part of her hurt like a grievous open wound.

But both the fulfillment and the hurt were simply feelings, and they came and went, leaving her true self undisturbed. Day by day she observed the patterns of change, the rebuilding of the Geofront, the final repair of the Linear Rail lines, the Japanese people as a whole shaking off the tragedy that had been inflicted on them. Day by day she slowly lost her sense of self, almost as if she was becoming one with all the people around her, their patterns, goals, likes, dislikes. Even so, she did not fail to note the sudden strong outburst of emotion from a single soul directly below where she lay. She saw the lost, torn, crying, very pregnant fifteen year old below, and she knew her life was in the girl's hands.

She watched as the girl dried her tears, wiping her face with a sleeve. When she looked up again, her face was hard. She got up, walked over to the control panel, and reached out towards it. Her finger shook as it got closer to the touch-screen. It hovered over the flashing icon, and her lip trembled slightly.


	12. Salvation

Salvation

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

The kitchen of the apartment he shared with Asuka was dimly visible as shades of gray in the gloom of night. From where he sat at the table he could see the shapes of things, which was odd, because at night the kitchen was pitch black. Maybe one of the fluorescents had gone out. He glanced at the ceiling, fighting to banish the logy feeling in his mind. None of them were flickering, but none of them were on either. Which didn't make sense, because the light had to be coming from somewhere.

At this point he realized someone's hand was in his. A hand far too pale to be Asuka's. He looked up, and her familiar soft smile took his breath away. He tried not to make any sudden movements. It was a dream, had to be, but even though it was, he didn't want it to end so quickly. Everything around him took on a surreal quiet, as if he were underwater. His thoughts grew heavy with sadness, even at seeing the expression he knew so well, the way the eyes were neutrally veiled, barely covering over a vibrant inner life. He alone had at times been allowed to see that inner life in all its glory.

He wanted to speak, but he couldn't form words. Even if it was only a dream, he could for a moment hold her, talk to her. Even if it wasn't actually happening, in his mind it was real. Her arm moved. Mutely she pointed behind him, her eyes sliding off his as she looked at whatever she was pointing at. Without even thinking he glanced over his shoulder.

Through an open window the ghostly moonlight bathed the room in a pale gray. He stared awestruck at how liquid the moonlight was, how it wavered in the air, on the ground, forming shadow sculptures. Asuka's resigned voice made him jump.

"You're thinking of her, aren't you?"

He turned to face her, blinking rapidly and making an attempt to shake the fuzziness from his head. The dream had been so real. He glanced back over his shoulder once more, but there was neither moon nor window. While it had been happening, he had not even thought about the fact that his kitchen had no windows. He felt a momentary squeeze on his hand, and looked back to Asuka, sitting across from him.

"Whatever happened in the past, I'm here now," he insisted. "With you."

She didn't say anything, though unreadable feelings passed across her face. Finally she stood, releasing his hands. A chill passed over him. He would have to do something with her, he decided. Something special. It tore him up whenever moments like this happened. She would leave the room, and it would be a few hours before they could talk normally again.

She walked around the table, and he expected her to continue to the door, but she didn't. She stepped over to where he sat, pushing herself in between him and the table, forcing his chair back a few inches. The strawberry scent of her perfume was intoxicating as she straddled his legs, sitting down and immobilizing him. She put her arms around his neck and lightly touched her forehead to his.

"We're going to stay like this," she breathed, "until I'm the only one you're thinking about." That had definitely already happened, but words failed him. "Later," she whispered, "we'll go to bed." The warmth of her breath and her closeness pushed everything around him out of his awareness. "Look at me," she said, plaintively. "Think about me." He nodded, two quick jerks, all he could manage under the circumstances. He watched as she drank in his reaction to her closeness, consumed it, and him.

He jerked awake to find himself covered in sweat, the blankets wrapped tightly around him. His midsection throbbed as the strong feelings and emotions from the dream bled away. It had been a near thing, but he would not have to change his underwear.

It was real, though. She lay not two feet from him, their futons pushed beside each other. Even if she wasn't pressed up against him like she had promised in his dream, she was there, close enough to touch. He let his head fall to the side. The last vestiges of sleep left him when he realized her futon was empty. He sat up, feeling her side of the mattress.

Cold. She hadn't slept there at all that night.

After going to the bathroom, he walked out onto the balcony and looked out over the city that was slowly being rebuilt. He suppressed the twinge of worry that kept plaguing the back of his mind. Asuka was a free spirit, she always had been and always would be. She especially hated clingy people, he knew that too.

Knowing that still didn't stop the worry. The fear he had lived with all his life, the fear of being abandoned. That dream had been a vivid description of his and Asuka's life the past months. The problem was, no amount of self recrimination or unhappy stares from her would make him forget Rei. Not completely, anyway. Not a day went by when he lay down beside his fiance and repeated in his mind Rei's wish that he make Asuka happy.

That wish was the only thing that had overcome his guilt, but even that wish was not enough to make him forget what he had shared with the first girlfriend he had ever had.

He never did get back to sleep that night.

The walk to work at the construction site was a slow one.

"'sup, Shin-man!"

"Touji." He smiled at his friend.

"Are they really reforming Class 2-A?"

"That's what Misato said," Shinji answered, yawning.

"Didn't sleep much last night? Is the red devil really that wild in bed?" Touji asked, elbowing the recalcitrant Shinji. The boy forced a smile, and Touji's grin vanished. "What's up?" he asked, suddenly serious.

"She's missing," he finally answered.

"Well, she does that from time to time, right? Goes off for a day or so? You told me that yourself."

"Yeah," Shinji agreed, scratching the back of his head, his smile now not so forced. "I'm probably worrying about nothing. C'mon, the boss'll tear us up one side and down the other if we're too late."

"It'll be strange going back to school, huh?" Touji asked, jogging to keep up. "Hey, just how many times did you guys repeat? You're probably some super genius by now..."

"-aah, not quite..."

"No, really, how long were you guys in there? What did you do?"

"We'll be late," Shinji said mysteriously. "Let's run."

"Hey, c'mon Shin-man! You can tell me-"

* * *

No matter what, parts of humanity always operated on the bitter edge of technology. If there were height limitations, a skyscraper would be raised to within a meter of it. If a new material were synthesized with higher tensile strength, the standard skyscraper's height would be increased. There was no such thing as 'high enough', or at least, not that Shinji could see. This was why he was trying not to look down as he took measurements with the laser range-finder built into his portable touch-screen.

"_No, dummkoph, look there!"_ He could practically hear Asuka correcting him, back when he had been too slow picking up something that for her was simple. _"The load-bearing calculations are all wrong! I swear, if you were an engineer, we'd have buildings falling all over the place. Give it here..."_ and with that, she would co-opt his pencil and lay out the solution in simple math. Every time he took a calculation, he thought of her.

"Hey!" He looked up from calculation that warned of something similar. "Hey Takashima!" The young man several dozen meters away finally looked up from where he was working.

"What's up, Ikari?" The man deftly walked across the narrow beam between them.

"Look," Shinji said, pointing, "whoever worked on this section reversed the bracket here." He ran his finger along a seam which didn't quite fit where it was connected. "It almost looks right, so I can see how they did it, but there's no way this will hold over the long term."

"Damn," the man said, taking off his hard hat and running a hand through damp hair as he looked up at the towering structure. "Whoever did that is sooo dead."

"Yeah," Shinji agreed reluctantly. "The heavy lift crane has already left since most of the big work is supposed to be over. Still..."

"Well..."

"Ikari! Takashima!" The booming voice of the project overseer made both young men look up. "What's the hold up? You two don't go on break for another twenty minutes."

"Hey boss," Takashima spoke up quickly. "Look at what Ikari found."

Minutes later the big man was swearing the miss-installed bracket up one side and down the other.

"Ikari, I hate you," the man said. "Oh, and good job. They'd have my ass if this went unfixed."

"Yeah, no problem," Shinji said, muffling a yawn.

"Hey, are you good for the rest of the day?" the man asked, noticing the yawn. "I don't want any injuries on my site because of a slip and fall."

"I'm okay," Shinji said quickly.

"Give him the rest of the day off," Touji yelled, from where he was a couple of levels up. "He didn't get much sleep last night because his wife took off for a while! She's like that!"

"Yeah, thanks Touji," Shinji mumbled to Takahashi, who smiled knowingly.

"Really?" the big man looked genuinely worried. "Hey, it's okay, mine does that every once in a while. She'll just get stir-crazy, and go off for a day or two. She's part American, you know."

"Mine's part German," Shinji muttered. The man nodded sagely, clapping him on the shoulder.

"Go ahead, take off. We'll be okay here."

"Thanks," Shinji bobbed his head in appreciation.

"Hey, don't go all mushy on me," the man said gruffly. "I'll work you hard tomorrow."

"Yeah." Shinji waved a hand tiredly in Touji's direction, and the boy waved back.

* * *

The apartment was quiet, and loneliness tugged at Shinji as he flopped down on his futon. It was as he had left it that morning, as was the house. Asuka hadn't come back yet. Something fluttered, stirring in the breeze of the air-conditioning.

A note. He had somehow missed it when he had woken up. Picking it up, he immediately recognized Asuka's still-hesitant Kanji handwriting.

"_Don't try to find me."_

His eyes narrowed, and he clenched the paper in his hands. He hadn't lost his first girlfriend just to lose another. His eyes scanned the words, but he had stopped consciously reading.

_Maya. I can ask Maya to help me find her._

_Why did she run?_ he wondered, staring blankly at the page. _Did she think I wasn't serious? Did she think I wouldn't take responsibility for what I did?_

_Did she think I didn't love her?_

His eyes skipped over a word that brought his attention back to the note.

_...Rei's alive. She's alive, Shinji, in that verdammt dummy plug that almost forced you to kill Touji. She's alive, and you have to go to her. You owe me, dummkoph, don't ever forget that. You owe me-_

At that point there was a smudge, and the entire note was crumpled, as if it had been thrown away and then retrieved.

_Just go,_ the note said, a few lines below the smudge. _Go, because I know it's what you really want, which means it's what I want. I love you, so go._

He was halfway to the nearest working linear rail line before he even took the chance to think.

_This is stupid. I should get Maya, or anyone._

His feet didn't listen. He slowed to a walk, stopping before the blinking light of the entry portal.

_Crap._ He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. _Think, think... Oh. Of course._

He reached into his pocket, hoping in his haste he had not left his wallet.

It was there. He pulled out his NERV card. Not the old one, which might have still worked anyway, but the one he had been issued when they had rehired him to work in construction. Crossing his fingers, he swiped it. After a moment's thought, the light blinked green, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

He had been scheduled to eventually work down in the Geofront, but he hadn't expected the authorization to be there yet. Apparently, bureaucrats being bureaucrats, they had gone the easy way out and already given him the clearance.

The train ride was one long tense string of moments in which his emotions swung between hope and fear. Asuka had abandoned him, but Rei might be alive. What if she wasn't? He knew quite well his former fiancee's pride might not allow her to come back to him.

If he could ever even find her again.

_What am I thinking about!_ He clenched his fist, clearing his mind. _Rei's alive. I've got to get her out._

Doubt crept into his mind again, and he wished not for the first time that Maya was with him. It was an empty wish though. To go get her meant another half hour at least, and if she got the government involved, there was no telling how long it would take. In fact, who knew what they would even do, knowing that Gendo's test subject, and the one who had played a major part in Instrumentality, was still alive?

_No. I've got to do this myself._

He breathed out a sigh. It was easy to say, but he had next to no idea what to do.

The train came to a stop, and he set out. Asuka's note had left vague instructions on how to get to where the dummy plug was, but in the gloom of the dead Geofront, currently lit only by what few mirrors were still aligned, he felt lost. Even with the afternoon sun still high overhead only a few sullen yellow rays shone down, illuminating small areas here and there. Trees had been uprooted, and there was structural damage everywhere, but it was not completely impossible to travel. He set his mouth and kept walking.

_If a pregnant woman can do it, so can I._

Half an hour later, he was walking down a tunnel he hoped was the one Asuka had written about. Her numbers were scribbled, but he was almost sure he was in the right place. The dull red emergency lighting spoke of at least a few power generators that had been brought back online.

With a start he realized that this was the first time had had been back to the Geofront since that final battle with the Eva Series. The shadows were heavy with memories. Somewhere down here Misato had sent him to rescue Asuka, and then had died. Countless others had been killed by invading JSSDF forces. He imagined he could still smell the faint stench of death and decay, though he knew the air processors had long since taken it away.

_Junction E7._

Now he was sure he was on the right path. She had written that down pretty legibly.

_There should be a destroyed blast door... here._

Only it was no longer destroyed. It was one of the few new things he had come across, still shiny and untarnished. And blocking him from Rei. He took out his NERV card and swiped it through the reader beside the massive doors.

The light blinked, but stayed red. He swiped it again, it blinked red again. He looked to the sides, but the mechanism for manually opening the door during emergencies was missing. Or rather in pieces, he realized, when taking a closer look. There was even a tool box, open and lying there.

"Huh." He looked from toolbox to door, his frustration rising. "Alright then." Flipping a mental coin, he set off down the hall, looking for another way into the section behind the closed blast door. A faint noise made him spin suddenly, and back into a wall. There was no cover, and running would only make more noise.

He listened intently, but there was only silence. Thirty seconds passed, and he was about to move when he heard it again. It was a shuffling sound, shoes scraping against the floor, and it was coming from the other direction.

"Hello?" He walked slowly in the direction the scuffling had come from. "Is anyone there?"

No answer, and no other sounds than his own footsteps. He passed the locked bulkhead and kept going. After ten minutes, he figured whoever it was must have run ahead, or gone down one of the side shafts. After a few more minutes, he noticed that there was more debris on the floor, as if this was one of the sections that was still relatively untouched.

Up ahead, he saw a lot more debris, bent and twisted pieces of metal, and even larger pieces of wall and bulkhead. When the Geofront had gone into free-fall and slammed to a halt back in the crater it had left, a lot of damage had been done. His heart leapt, and he broke into a run. Damage like the broken bulkhead now in front of him. It spooked him that there might be someone else in here with him, but he had more important things to think about.

Ten minutes later he had broken into a side shaft and made his way back to the other side of the locked bulkhead.

_Good. Now, if her instructions are right..._

The tight corridor widened, then opened up into a room he had never been to before, which didn't mean much considering how big the Geofront was. The girdered ceiling was high overhead, lost in the gloom, and from it hung what looked like an entry plug. On the side of it he could barely make out the word 'REI' in big block writing, with smaller words below it. The frame holding it had come loose in the shock of landing, and the plug was tilted at almost a thirty degree angle. His breathing stopped for a few seconds, then he ran over to the control panel below it.

His eyes quickly took in the large touch-screen, and his hands shook as he tried to figure out what to do. 'Subject: Viable,' was clearly visible on the upper left hand corner of the screen, but he had no idea how to navigate the different screens, or what to do. He touched the nearly blank screen, and a window popped up, prompting him for input. Whoever had been here last had left it on this screen.

'Deactivate Subject Life support, Yes or No'

_Subject, meaning Rei. _The last person here had been Asuka, that stray fact dumped itself into his mind. _She didn't have to tell me._ His vision blurred. _I never would have known._

He touched the 'No' and watched as the screen changed. A long list of options came up, and he read them all through. After a long pause, he selected 'Crane Controls.' What came up was fairly straightforward. He pressed the button to lower the plug, and held his breath.

A distant screeching sound came from somewhere above, and the dummy plug began to slowly come down. After a half minute it had come most of the way down, when a shower of sparks and harsh groaning made him wince.

Error, the control said.

He looked up, but the plug was still out of reach. He scrambled up onto the control panel, flailing his arms in all directions as he stood. He reached up, and barely managed to grab onto the near end of the plug. Leaning over, he managed to see a smaller version of the control panel he was standing on. He touched it, and strained to see the words.

Fortunately it was a lot simpler. Open, or close. He pressed 'Open' and was rewarded with a familiar click and hiss. His eyes bulged when he saw the faint hair-line cracks appear near where he was holding on.

_Crap!_

When the plug had slipped, it had apparently turned. He watched in horror as the door slid open and a fountain of viscous liquid poured over him. He closed his eyes instinctively, and then something slammed into him, knocking him off the control panel and onto the ground.

* * *

When he came to his senses, pain exploded in the back of his head, and he felt a heavy weight pinning him down. It took a monumental effort to creak open his eyes. His vision was blurry, but that was probably whatever the liquid was that had come out of the plug. He blinked rapidly, and a face came into focus.

Her brilliant crimson eyes held his gaze firmly and made five seconds feel like five aeons. The sheen of liquid on her pale skin gave her an otherworldly look, and he knew her stunned expression matched his. From her light blue lashes to the slight smile curving her lips, she was alive, and in his arms. She blinked, and her eyes suddenly bulged. Before he could flinch, she spewed LCL all over him, then coughed weakly, expelling the remainder of the liquid from her lungs.

"Sorry," she breathed, pushing herself back up.

"That's, um..." he sputtered, trying not to stare, "that's my line," he finally stammered. Her physical state finally dawned on her, and she blushed, lowering her chin to his chest and bringing her arms up to hide the view.

"Don't look at me like that," she mumbled weakly.

"Why not?" he asked, wide-eyed. Before she could formulate a proper reply, a familiar scuffling noise drew the attention of them both. He quickly looked to his right.

"Haha..." the boys clothes were dirty and wrinkled, but his glasses were intact, as was the camera he was holding. Its case was cracked, but the blinking light on top showed that the internals were working. "Sorry Shinji, business comes first...!"

"Do you want to kill him, or shall I?" Rei's voice was deadly serious, and Kensuke flinched.

"I'm still deciding," Shinji murmured.

"Um, guys," Kensuke spoke hesitantly, "you know I was kidding, right? Right?" No one reassured him of his possible safety. "Look," he said nervously, slowly lowering the camera, "I'll just put it down here. Then you can-" Rei's eyebrow twitched. "-aah!" The boy suddenly dropped the camera and took off running for dear life.

Rei turned away from her handiwork and looked at Shinji again. A faint blush returned. She carefully reached down and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Um, R-Rei? What-what are you-"

"I need your shirt," she said innocently. "I am naked."

"Oh." He let out the breath he had been holding. "Right..."

"What?" she asked, tilting her head slightly. "What were you expecting?"

"N-Nothing!" he yelped.

She studied him for a moment.

"We'll see," was all she said.

---

A/N: Well, that takes care of the major stuff ^_^ All that's left is an epilogue, to take care of the small things. Really small piddling stuff, you know, pregnancies, reunions, nothing important


	13. The Journey Back

A/N: Alright, it took me a little while to fix this, but after seeing so many review about how confusing it is, I decided to redo this chapter. Originally I had intended to skip the reunion, since it really didn't seem all that important. Blah blah, Asuka's back, blah blah, I'd rather get to the interesting parts. But the angry reviews made me think, and I think it's better to actually tell that part of the story. Hopefully this explains it better ^_^

I changed the name back as well, just to keep the confusion to a minimum, for now :-p

* * *

The Journey Back

* * *

"_You're cold, I can see you shivering."_

"_I'm alright, Shinji."_

"_The only thing you're wearing is my shirt."_

"_We'll find something along the way."_

"_O-Okay, I guess."_

_

* * *

_"_It's already dark out here, I guess I didn't realize how long I was in there searching for you."_

"_Let's go, then."_

"_You don't have any shoes..."_

"_But I have clothes from the guards' locker. It's okay. Let's go."_

"_Well, okay..."_

* * *

"_Oh God! Shinji, is that you? Is that Rei?_

"_Miss Ibuki, I didn't know who else to go to-"_

"_It's okay! Set her down on the bed... Did you carry her on your back the whole way here?"_

"_Well, no, not the whole way, she was tired though, and we couldn't find any shoes..."_

"_What about your cell phone?"_

"_Oh... well, there wasn't any coverage down in the Geofront..."_

"_You could have called when you got back up! Or used one of the emergency phones down there...!"_

"_Sorry, I wasn't thinking straight."_

* * *

"_Hey. I haven't had a chance to see you since I brought you here, I guess. I've missed you."_

"_They've been running tests. I will be allowed to leave in the morning."_

"_Oh, right, that thing you told me before...? Are you still... umm..."_

"_They are still unsure if I am dying. I am to return every week for further testing."_

"_Where will you be living?"_

"_In a temporary dormitory, three blocks from the main hospital wing."_

"_Oh."_

"_You sound unhappy. Are you alright?"_

"_No, I'm fine. I'm just glad you're okay."_

* * *

A hospital was a stark white cold place, at least in the experience of Shinji Ikari. A place where the only comfort was found in the cold caress of the air blowing from some nameless air-conditioning and filtration system. At least as a patient one might have had the slim comfort of white hospital sheets and maybe a blanket to ward off the chill.

Still, there would at least be someone who cared for you, someone who brought you what you needed for life, someone who might pat your head before tucking you in at night. A chuckle escaped the lips of the former Third Child. Maybe that was a romanticized version of what a hospital might be, supplied by his own memories which were being softened by the passing days, but he couldn't help thinking it as he watched through the cold hard glass. His breath gently fogged the window as he waited, head pressed against the glass.

The walls were white, the nurse's uniforms were white, in fact the only color in the room below was provided by the splash of unruly blue hair across the pillow. She was lying comfortably in the room's single ICU bed, listening as a nurse talked to her. At least it looked like she was paying attention, so he assumed the nurse was talking. And now leaning over, looking into her patient's crimson eyes one at a time.

Weeks ago, when she had asked him if he had been alright, he had almost come out and asked her then. That had been the perfect time, probably. He'd had the ring and everything, even. He pulled the small box out of his pocket, fingering the black velvet that covered it. Cracking it open, he watched as the ring's gemstone caught the light, its facets sparkling.

It was a one and a half caret blue diamond set in a ring made of white gold, and it had cost him about a third of his savings, but the longer he waited, the less confidence he seemed to have. After her return from death, she had changed. Not her personality, or the way she talked, it was how she looked when she answered the door and saw it was him. Whenever he was down, she sensed it, and cheered him up. Whenever he cooked for her, she wouldn't rest until she had pried the recipe from his grasp, and some of them she now cooked better than he did himself.

There never seemed to be a time that she needed him, he was always the needy one. Or it felt that way to him, anyway. Hearing soft footsteps, he shoved the box back into his pocket. The footsteps stopped.

"Thank you for worrying about me."

He turned, smiling wistfully. Not, _you didn't have to stay here,_ or, _I apologize for making you wait._ Just a simple thanks.

"Did they tell you anything new?" he asked. She was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt underneath a blue v-neck top and matching skirt.

"Miss Ibuki says I am healthy for a fifteen year old girl."

"Oh." Relief made him smile. "Are you?".

"Am I healthy? Or am I fifteen?"

"What? No, that..." He spluttered and turned away.

She had mercy.

"The cellular degeneration Doctor Akagi constantly measured has slowed considerably, but it is still there," she said more seriously. "I've been given medicine."

Shinji recovered as gracefully as he was able.

"That's good."

They walked back to her apartment in silence. He wanted to ask her how long they had told her she might live, but in his mind the question sounded too morbid.

It was no different from normal, though to him it felt different. It wasn't that the silence felt awkward. He glanced over, noting how her close-cropped hair had grown out almost to her shoulders. She was different. Somehow, she wasn't the same person who had told him she was dying, hugged him, and then left.

Eight months he had lived with Asuka after re-awakening on the beach. But during that time, Rei had been, what, asleep? They had talked very little about what she had experienced after leaving him, about what had happened to her in that eight month time-span.

She seemed more distant and unapproachable, and yet she always reached out to him still. Even though it felt harder to talk to her, when he did, she was warm and open. She was still as sharp-witted as he remembered. He had discovered that quite well after the Onigiri Incident.

"What is it?"

He realized he was grinning.

"Just remembering," he said.

She glanced at him side-long.

"The onigiri?" she asked innocently.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "I'll get you for that, by the way."

"Yes. You've said that several times now."

He smiled, wondering for a moment if she had sensed his mental state and had brought it up intentionally. Five minutes later they were standing in front of the low two-story structure that contained her current home. Walking up the stairs with her to her door, his feelings returned full force. He wanted to stop her, and ask her to move back in with him, like she had in the dream.

She opened the door, then turned around and smiled.

"I'll see you later."

His feet wouldn't move, and his mouth was dry.

"Yeah," he replied.

She backed up and closed the door.

He stood there for a few moments cursing himself inwardly. He finally pulled out the ring and looked at it. A part of him hoped she might come back out for some reason and find him standing there. Chance would then force him to act, and do what he couldn't seem to do on his own.

Had it been the old Rei, the one he had confessed his love to, he would have asked her in a heartbeat. That Rei was as new to things as he was, and had been learning alongside him. They had been learning together. Then they had been separated. He had grown to care for Asuka, and Rei had grown as well, though he didn't understand it.

He pocketed the ring, and turned to leave.

_I don't deserve to live with her. I can't even find the courage to ask her to marry me._

* * *

Prelude to Darkness

...

A young woman sat against a tree, holding a piece of paper in hands that shook subtly. She lowered the paper, leaning back against the hard bark, running a hand through her auburn hair. Seen objectively, perhaps she was a lover who had been heartbroken by a letter from her significant other. Or maybe she had just received news of a death in the family. It would look mundane if not for the shining gray spindle that rose into the sky an immeasurable distance away.

That spire was one of seven giant space elevators that anchored the Kane Band in Earth orbit. The pride of Terran engineering, it served as Earth's main space-port and ship-building center as well. Practically a nation unto itself, the massive construct completely circled the earth like a giant glowing halo.

Seen from this new vantage point, it would be strange indeed to see a young woman holding something so archaic as a piece of writing paper, especially one that looked new, not yellowed with age. A short chirp interrupted whatever train of thought she had been on.

"Skip, it's getting close to our launch window. Will you be lifting from Earth soon?" The male voice was quiet but firm, even with someone who was his superior officer.

"Not yet," she answered, looking back to the paper in her hands. The Communications implant would have picked up even her sub-vocalizations, but there was no need for privacy in this deserted park.

"How long should I hold us on-station?" The man's reserved tone was tinged with question at his superior's strange behavior.

"I don't know."

There was a pause as the man processed this.

"Then, should I-"

"Yes," she answered wryly, "give shore leave to whoever is next up for it. We'll be here at least long enough for that."

"Aye, Captain." There was a soft click indicating the channel had been cut. She smiled to herself. Her first officer was too straight-laced to show it in his tone, but she knew he was looking forward to a little off time just as much as the rest of the crew. Even if he hadn't asked, she would have granted shore leave, but that he asked revealed his personal intent. Her smile faded as she considered the paper again.

It had been days since she had received the encrypted communique after dropping out of hyper in the Nesre Primus system to reorient for the jump to Sol. She had not originally intended to land on Earth, but after reading the message, she had no choice.

It was from her mother, and it seemed to have been written in code. It mentioned certain places, certain events, things that would have meaning to only her, as if her mother had thought someone might intercept or read the message before it got to her.

It excited her, because she had not seen her mother since the woman had disappeared off the face of the Earth several years ago. She had not left on any charter flights, but there were other ways off the planet. So, since they were passing right by anyway, she took the opportunity to stop at her planet of birth, and follow up the strange letter. She had gone to the place hinted at in the letter, and dug in a certain spot. She was only glad that this area was under protection by one of the local historical foundations to preserve old landmarks.

What she had found chilled her to her bones. It was a protective capsule, the kind used to store something over the long-term inside was a short letter by her now-dead grandmother. It was something she should have prized, it wasn't something to throw away, burn, or tear up, even if she wanted to do all those things now. It was the only piece of her grandmother she had left. Taking a breath, she picked the papers back up, and resumed reading.

_That bleakness of that place was too much to bear. The low gray sky, the distant impossibly tall mountains, the high arching walkway I found myself on, I thought I'd been working too hard, granddaughter, and that's how I passed it off. Something I'd dreamed up, maybe I had dozed off. Even if I thought that figure had been Shinji, it didn't mean anything, because it had been a dream. Besides, he had been dead for over two hundred years, so how could it be him?_

_That's what I told myself, anyway. I don't know if you've found the Tome yet, but when you do..._

_Hah. I say 'when you do' because I hope it's you that finds the Tome, and not the other way around. If you do find it, and I think you will, since the committee has given up searching for it, as far as I know, don't just give yourself to it, like so many of us did, in search of power._

_For one, there's no one left to rescue you, to pull you out when things go to hell, which they always do when someone gives themselves to the book. We've all scattered. It took us long enough to find out, and to escape the committee's clutches, but that doesn't mean it's over..._

_I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is, don't go off and try to read the whole thing, and accept it all, body and soul. That will only wake it up, and who knows what will happen when it wakes up again. Especially since Shinji might not really be..._

_Anyway. That's just the vain hope of an old woman. Look, I can't tell you where the Tome is, because this letter might fall into the Committee's hands. You'll have to find it yourself, and when you do, only read the parts about Shinji. There'll be a lot of them anyway, so you'll learn enough. Shinji was protected, so you should be too if you stick to that part of the book. I hope. Anyway, good luck. This won't be my last note, so keep looking for them, for where I might have hidden them._

She sighed, blowing a strange of red hair out of her eyes. _Where am I supposed to look? _She had no idea where to even begin. This was one of the few special places her mother had shown her, when they had been together. She only knew of one or two others, and she doubted there was anything like this letter at either of them. She had been over them many times, whenever the need for her mother became too great.

The tree behind her felt warm, as if it were directly transmitting the hot sun overhead through its bark into her back. The papers trembled in her hands, and she stared at them as they suddenly blurred. She shook her head, trying to clear it of the fog.

_I'm tired. I need to rest..._

The paper moved. She looked at it, blinking quickly. The words seemed to form a face, when she looked at it the right way, as if it were one of the three-dimensional puzzles on the backs of cereal boxes she had stared at while eating breakfast as a child. A face suddenly stood out, making her gasp in surprise. Was this something her grandmother had planned when she wrote the letter? Had she printed it in such a way that it would produce this effect?

All her thoughts came to an abrupt halt when the lips of the face moved. She heard a faint whisper that set her hair on end. She desperately wanted to throw the paper away, but a part of her was curious. She slowly brought the paper closer to her ear, trying to keep it in the corner of her eye. It was so strange to look at, she didn't want to miss anything. The whisper became louder, until it became words, three of them, repeated over and over.

"...comes, the darkness comes, the darkness comes, the darkness..."

* * *

She suddenly jerked awake, shaking her head and trying to remember what had just happened as a soft chime sounded somewhere nearby. The foggy trails of the strange dream were slowly disappearing, escaping her grasp. The dark room around her became recognizable, as the apartment she had chosen to stay at, for her sojourn on Earth. She looked down at the letter clutched in her hand, partially crumpled. She brought it up to her face, but the words did not change. No face presented itself, muttering strange words that she couldn't even remember. Ever since she had found the letter buried in that park, she had been having nightmares.

She rubbed her forehead, trying to think. What were those words in the dream? There had been three of them, but she just couldn't remember. The chime was getting louder. She got up and stumbled over to the closet, rummaging around, trying to find something civilian that wasn't gaudy and attention-gathering.

Finally pulling a plain white jumper from the small closet, she looked all around, trying to locate the source of that infernal chiming. Locating the offending wall terminal, she stabbed the 'accept' button, allowing the call to come through. That was the moment she remembered the words.

"The darkness comes," she murmured, as the screen activated, showing the hard lines of a middle-aged man. She happened to glance at the screen, where the chronometer read 3:33 pm local time. It was getting late.

"Are you Ms. Akane Sato-Soryu?" the man asked. She immediately knew he was someone with authority, probably law enforcement.

"Yeah," she answered, refusing to be swayed by his no-nonsense demeanor. "And you are...?"

"Well," there was a pregnant pause. "This is Inspector Hisashi of the Nagano Prefecture. I've got some news that you'll probably want to hear face to face. It's about your mother."

"About mom?" she asked, unable to keep the surprise from her voice. "Where is she? Have you found her?"

"Well, yes, we know where she is_,_" the man's firm voice began to give away the discomfort he obviously felt. "Look, you should be here in front of me, not over a comm channel. I'm sending you an address. Can you travel?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there." The picture winked off. She didn't recognize the address flashing at the bottom of the screen, but she could find its location easily enough.

* * *

The cloudless day made the sky look like a deep blue dome. By now Tokyo-3 had superficially recovered from the hideous wound caused during the war by an N2 mine. Rather, it had recovered enough that Shinji's walk wasn't disturbed by the incessant drone of heavy equipment. Whether or not it was rebuilt to its previous glory, retractable buildings and all, it was still his home. Conscience and memory tugged at him briefly.

_I wonder how Sensei is doing? Ever since dad called me back all that time ago, I haven't even checked..._

He fumbled in his pockets before remembering that he had intentionally left his cell-phone at his apartment, and that it didn't matter anyway since Sensei hadn't had a phone, at least when he had been there. Not even a land-line. It was true that he had floundered in the years before Eva, having no real purpose in life, but nostalgia colored his memory, making him long for those simple times.

"Hey, big-shot!"

He turned and saw Touji sauntering down one of the sidewalks that intersected the one he was on.

"Back at you," he said grinning. "You were a pilot too."

"What, for all of thirty minutes, you mean?"

"Yeah." Shinji's grin twisted into a grimace.

"Hey, I'm about to meet Hikari," Touji said quickly, "wanna come along?"

"Why not?" Shinji said, matching pace with his friend. "Where's Kensuke?"

"Oh, he's a little antsy about the whole wedding thing. I think he's not sure how to act around us."

"Ah."

In the distance, the suburbs gave way to the few lonely high-rises the city had left, and the many shopping areas they contained.

"Don't you get all weird on me too. I figure since you've got Ayanami, you'd understand, right?"

"Right."

The silence began to get uncomfortable.

"Hey, did I say something wrong?"

Shinji glanced back, realizing he had looked away.

"What? Well, it's just-"

"Shinji!"

Arms surrounded him and he froze, but after a momentary squeeze Hikari let go and gravitated over taking Touji's arm.

"You didn't tell me you were going to invite him...!"

"We just ran into each other, is all," Touji said.

"I'll probably just be in the way," Shinji said, laughing a little. He was beginning to feel out of place.

"You won't be!" Hikari insisted. "Really, you won't be!"

And he wasn't, for a while. The two of them drew him into their conversation as they walked, and when they arrived, they asked for his opinion as they shopped. Even so, the more he saw them interact, the more he was reminded of his own failure.

He watched how they talked excitedly together, aware of nothing outside of their own shared happiness. When they eventually met with the caterer, they had even less time to make him feel included. Watching the two of them fairly glowing with happiness as they talked, he withdrew further into his own thoughts.

_I just want to see her. Even if I can't ask her, I just want to spend time with her... If I spent more time with her, maybe I'd gain the confidence. I'd know her better..._

A lull in the conversation around him brought him back. Hikari was looking at him, having apparently asked him something.

"Umm, I guess I wasn't paying attention-"

"Shinji, I'm so sorry...! We were completely ignoring you!"

"No," he waved her off, suddenly uncomfortable. "It's you two who are getting married. I'm just in the way."

"You're not!" Hikari insisted, grabbing him by the shoulders to keep him from turning away or leaving. "You're not, Shinji!"

He didn't know what to say, but he saw the mood degenerating, and felt bad for it.

"Shinji, you're my fiancee's best friend, you're my friend," she saw his expression deteriorating despite her words. "For goodness' sake, you're going to be the best man at our wedding! You belong here!" The surprise on his face told her all she needed to know. "You never told him?" she snapped back at Touji.

"I thought he would know, it's obvious, right? It's not that big of a deal-"

"Not that big of a..." She looked back towards Shinji, who was blinking rapidly, on the verge of breaking down. "We'll finish shopping later."

"What?" he yelped. "But, but this is the day we planned for. We have appointments-"

"We'll cancel them, and make new ones," she repeated, in a voice that brooked no argument. After a moment, he relented.

"O... Okay," he said. "If you really think so."

"Yeah," she said. "I'll catch up to you later."

"Sure," he said, sauntering off.

Shinji had sunk down onto a bench in the mall they were in, and Hikari sat down beside him.

"I've ruined your day," he finally said when he got his voice back. "I never should have come." He stopped before his voice broke up completely.

"Shinji, why are you so depressed?" she asked, softening her voice. "This isn't like you! Did something happen?"

"Hah." He looked away, helpless to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. She waited, a hand on his shoulder as he cried silently. "This is pathetic, I know," he finally said, wiping his face and turning to face her for a moment. "I'm really, really stupid. I love her so much, and I can't even tell her any more." He turned away as the tears came again.

"Shinji," she began, searching for words, "It's okay to talk to me. No one's going to make fun of you here. It's just people going about their business. They don't even know you."

She pulled a folded cloth from her purse and gave it to him. He accepted it gratefully, drying his face again.

"I love her more than anything," he said shakily. "I want to stay be her side forever, but-"

"Why are you telling me?" Hikari finally exclaimed. "You should be saying this to her!"

"I have," he insisted.

"So, she won't marry you? I have a hard time seeing that. I know she's closed off, but-"

"I told her before, before everyone woke back up. I told her in the dream." He fought for words. "She's changed. I know it sounds crazy, but ever since she came back, she's different. Not like she was in school," he said quickly, the words spilling out. He wanted to say it all before she spoke, or he feared he might not be able to say it again. "She's perfect, now. I know that sounds like me putting her on a pedestal, but it's not. She always knows what to say, she never misunderstands things. I'm always the one who does that. I haven't seen her make a mistake once since I rescued her." He looked at Hikari, his eyes desolate. "I can't match her. I'll never be able to match her."

Hikari shook her head.

"You're wrong. I know I don't know her as well as you do, but you're wrong about her, Shinji."

She looked away, thinking. He stayed silent.

"I know," she finally said, turning to face him with a smile. "The four of us are going out. Tomorrow. Don't try to get out of it, either," she said mischievously. "Are you going to ask her, or shall I?"

"No," Shinji sighed, seeing the futility of refusing. "I'll invite her."

"Great!" she said, taking his hands and standing. "I'll leave the plans up to you, then." She turned and walked off, leaving him standing there. "Call me when you decide what we're going to do!" she said, looking back with a smile.

"Right," he said quietly. Even though his heart was still torn, she had planted a seed of hope.

* * *

Stepping out of her personal shuttle, what Akane saw was enough to make her pause for a moment. In the middle of the towering buildings and bright flashing light that made up New Tokyo was a mansion. It was large for a house, far too large for a person or even a family. The house was surrounded by an overgrown park, though there had been obvious work at the edges to keep it from encroaching on the rest of the city.

_Maybe it's a historical landmark,_ she thought. There was no other reason for a mansion surrounded by overgrowth to be planted in the middle of the thriving capital of Japan.

The flowing lines and flashing lights of two police cruisers drew her attention as she approached what appeared to be the front of the estate. A group of three officers stood in a close circle talking too quietly for her to hear. One of them looked up, the one who had comm'ed her previously. He hurried over, and she came to a stop.

"Ahhh, Ms. Sato-Soryu..." he reached out a hand, which she took. "I trust you had a pleasant trip?"

"I suppose so, considering..." she said, returning his handshake. It was obvious he was taken by her. She saw no other reason for the unnecessary pleasantry.

"Yes, my condolences. This is most unpleasant. It's a shame we couldn't meet under brighter circumstances."

"Yes, it is..." she said, keeping her expression grave. Whatever might have brought a police presence to this house, it wasn't good, and she didn't need someone in the government getting himself enamored with her. "Can we get this over with please?"

"Of course," he said quickly, directing her to the main entrance. "This way. But I must warn you. It's not a pleasant sight... I'm afraid there's not much to see."

Walking into the foyer, he lead her to a side door. Touching the tell-tale to the side, the door whooshed open.

"This is the library," he said, motioning for her to go ahead. She took in her surroundings surreptitiously as she walked. The house was colored in earth tones, and made to look like an authentic replica of an old-style mansion. Not-withstanding the automatic doors, the illusion was complete.

She stepped through the doorway, and stopped dead in her tracks, bringing her hands to cover her mouth in horror. She couldn't keep from crying out as she recognized who it was on the floor. Beside a chair-and-side-table combination in the center of the room was a body covered by a sheet. Blood covered the immediate area like a giant stain.

"Ms. Sato-Soryu," the Inspector asked, "Is... that your mother?"

"Yes," she sobbed. Her vision blurred, but she couldn't turn away. "It's... it's her." She pointed a shaking hand. "She's wearing our family ring." It was an effort to say the words through a throat which was slowly constricting with grief. "Can't you check dental records or something?" she cried angrily. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Look, I'm sorry." The man shuffled uncomfortably, and his tone actually took on irritation. "It's my job, lady. You're the only living relative, and no, we can't check dental records... There's no head. As you can see." He turned, glancing back towards the doorway. "None of this makes any sense," he huffed, looking back to the body. "There's no sign of intrusion, and there was certainly a lot of force used here." He slipped his cap off, scratching his short hair. "I haven't seen anything like this in all my years on the force. We have no evidence, except for the body, and what's left doesn't tell us much."

"Well, you'd better find out who did this," Akane said darkly, wiping a hand across her face. "Find them before I do." She looked the Inspector in the eye. "There must be some clue in this place. It's huge! I want answers-"

"So do I," the Hisashi replied, finally breaking her gaze and looking away. "I wish I had some."

After a few moments, Akane spoke again, her voice under control and her face dry.

"I didn't know mom built a place like this."

"Oh, she didn't," he answered quickly, relieved that the worst was over. "At least not alone. From our records, it appears that your grandparents help build this place, with the help of several others of their acquaintance. It might be even older than that. It's a ship, you know. Able to achieve orbit, even."

"Really?" Akane asked doubtfully.

"Indeed," Hisashi replied. "In fact, you can even do that, if you want. We've searched the place top to bottom and found nothing of interest. I'm almost at my wit's end, though I do have a few outside leads to check out."

She almost snorted disdainfully, but held back. There was no point in angering someone who was only trying to help, but she put no trust in his efforts. She had heard the doubt in his voice.

Well, it didn't matter. She would just have to search the place herself. She would be in a better position to recognize something important than he would, and she felt a touch of awe to be standing in the house that her grandmother had lived in, at least for a time. That it was a ship was a complete surprise, but not impossible. No matter how it looked on the outside, a few strategically place anti-grav generators could make almost anything into a ship, as long as it was air-tight. Which explained the automatic doors, as opposed to the manual ones which would have been keeping in style with the rest of the house.

Still in a daze, she stumbled out of the house and into the comfortable familiarity of her shuttle, sinking down into the plush seat and staring numbly at the controls in front of her.

* * *

Her apartment number was no longer four oh three, but it was still the same, and he was still standing in front of her door with familiar butterflies in his stomach. He pushed the buzzer, and waited. She had given him no reason to doubt her. It was his own fears and self doubt that brought that. No matter what he did, he didn't feel worthy, and if he wasn't worthy, someone better might happen along at any time and steal her away.

The door opened and she was there. She wore the same outfit she always wore these days, the one that had taken the place of her school uniform. The welcome in her eyes was immediate when she saw him.

"Shinji," she said, when it was obvious he wasn't going to speak first. He finally found his voice.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out for a little bit," he said.

"Alright." There had been no hesitation. "Come in, I'll get ready."

After that, it was like always. He waited, she came out of her room minutes later, and they left together. Walking with her to where they were to meet Hikari and Touji, he felt happy. When he was with her he felt normal, it seemed to him that she made sure of that. When he was away from her was when the doubts crept in. It was one more reason he didn't deserve her, in his own eyes.

"Shinji! Hey!" In the distance Hikari let go of Touji's hand and ran to meet them. She touched Rei's casual clothes, looking her up and down. "You look great, Rei, I'm glad you could come!"

"I'm glad to be here," Rei answered with a calm smile.

"See," Touji pretended to whisper towards Hikari as he walked up, "I don't see any problem here between those two-"

"Oh stop it...!" Hikari slapped at his shoulder and he shied away. "He'll behave, I promise," she assured Shinji. "So where're we going?"

"Well, I thought we'd go bowling," he said, glancing at Rei, then back to Hikari.

"Oh, good idea!" she exclaimed. "It's been forever since I've been bowling, what about you?"

"Well," Touji meandered. "It's been a while, I suppose."

"Yeah, if by 'a while' you mean three days, Mister Strike Alley!" she teased.

"Well, I don't like to brag," the boy blushed.

"Liar," Hikari elbowed him. "You're just upset because it's one of the few things you're really good at!"

"Maybe," he admitted.

"So," Rei verbally prodded Shinji, "tell me how to play."

"Okay, I guess. As long as you don't think it'll be too tiring..."

He explained, and she nodded.

"I'll be okay."

The group made their way by tram to one of the three bowling alleys in Tokyo-3. By the time everyone had put on their shoes and made their way to their assigned lane, it quickly became obvious that Touji was very into bowling. Rei had quickly switched her focus from Shinji to Touji, apparently deciding that he was the one to learn from.

"Alright newbies," Touji said, cracking his knuckles and picking up his selected ball, "I'll show you how it's done."

Rei's eyes followed him as he walked to the starting point. Her eyes followed him as he drew his hand back, took a few steps, and released. She did not blink until the ball had struck the pins, knocking down all but two of them.

"Ah well," Touji said with a grin, "just getting warmed up, sooo..."

He easily knocked out the two that were left.

"Well, who's up for a little embarrassment?" the confident jock needled.

Rei looked at Shinji.

"Ladies first," he said with a disarming smile.

She stood, walked over to the rack, and touched the spheres one by one.

"Hey," Touji said, "since you're a beginner, I think you'd better use... hey..."

Rei was ignoring him. She left the rack and walked across behind the counter, ignoring the bemused clerk, who watched the byplay with idle interest. Rei came back with her selection.

"That...!" Touji pointed. "That's a kids' ball! You seriously expect to play with that?"

He might as well have been talking to a wall. Rei took her position and flawlessly mimicked his movements. Hikari giggled as Touji scowled, trying to hide his grudging respect. She released the ball without so much as causing a thump against the floor, and when it reached the end of the lane, two pins were left standing.

"How..." Touji pointed and gaped. "How-How... How?"

"Get a strike next time," she said as she breezed by him, "so I can copy that as well."

"How do you put up with this, man?" Touji whined.

"Well, I usually just suffer alone, but misery loves company, I guess," Shinji replied.

Touji shuddered, looking over to where Hikari was taking the opportunity to try to chat up the quiet girl.

"Yoohoo, Shinji!" She waved. "I think it's your tu-urn now-!"

"Yeah, Shinji," Touji mimed, holding his hands together and putting fake hearts in his eyes, "your turn!"

"Traitor," mumbled Shinji on the way to the rack. Hikari grabbed Touji's ear.

"I saw that, buster!"

"-ouch I thought it was a good-impression-ouch-ouch!"

* * *

"Thanks for a great time you guys!" Hikari yelled and waved as the group separated, each couple going their own way. Shinji waved back. Rei had won, of course, but the headiness of the evening was over, and he felt the usual let-down, a depressing of mood now that the cheer of good company was gone. Rei was beside him, but that only served to remind him of his failure to properly approach their relationship after her return from the dream.

As they walked, she suddenly stumbled, though it would have looked more like a shuffle to someone who didn't know her. But Shinji knew her, and knew someone with her grace didn't even make a mistake as small as that.

"Here..." he offered an arm that she gratefully took, leaning against him for a moment before regaining her equilibrium. "There's a park over here, I think," he said, leading her between two buildings towards a stand of trees.

"Thank you," she breathed, as she sat down heavily. He unzipped his backpack and handed her a drink box. She gave him a wan smile as she accepted it, fumbling with the straw. Her normally pale skin was ashen white. He took the box from her hands and deftly put the straw in, handing it back. She drank deeply, and a touch of color returned to her face.

"You were doing to well, I kind of forgot later on. I'm really sorry." He sat down beside her. "I thought you might get tired, so I made you something before I came. I should have asked Touji and Hikari to let you take a break, but like I said, I kind of forgot. I'm sorr-" She had laid a hand on his mouth.

"You were having fun," she said simply. "I could see that. I'm fine, now." When she saw that he understood, she removed her hand. He unwrapped what he had made and handed it to her mutely. She took it, then looked down at it and froze. It was a sandwich. "Roast beef?" she asked uneasily, sniffing it delicately.

"Nope." Shinji grinned. "It took me a while to perfect it, but I finally concocted a mix of tofu and soy bean paste that's a pretty decent roast-beef imitation."

Rei pulled the bread on one of the sandwich-quarters partway up, examining it closely. It really did look like roast beef, even down to the thinly-sliced appearance. Shinji waited patiently as she hesitated. She sniffed it one more time, lifting one of the sandwiches to her mouth, finally nibbling at the corner. She shut her eyes and chewed, finally swallowing. After a moment she opened her eyes in surprise.

"It's good," she commented. She took another bite. "It really is good." She smiled and he grinned back. She ate in silence for a while, before finally sitting back.

"You could not know," she finally said, "but I discovered my dislike for meat when I was very young. The Commander took me as a guest to some kind of meeting. There were large platters of sandwiches. When no one was watching, I took one. It was roast beef." She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. "I ate it, and promptly threw up. It was not my best day," she said looking him in the eyes.

"Yeah, I didn't know," he said, happy that she would choose to share something that personal.

"But this really is good," she said, biting into another of the sandwiches appreciatively.

Shinji took a breath, and felt his heart constrict as he looked at her, illuminated by the lamp-light of the evening.

"Rei, I want to live with you. Like I used to." He held his breath after he said it. The moment seemed to have presented itself, and he was afraid that he wouldn't get another chance if he missed it. But having said it, everything was out in the open now, to be accepted or rejected, and he was afraid.

"I had wondered if you had forgotten about that," Rei said quietly. "We never talk about those things any more."

He glanced over, still not daring to breathe.

"It's okay, then?"

"Yes," she said, returning his gaze. She reached out, putting her hand on his, trapping it on the bench. "Why did you wait until now to ask?"

"Well," he swallowed, trying to hide his relief, "you were the one who brought me into your home, back... then. You asked my father to let me take care of you." She blinked calmly. Her hand was warm on top of his. "I was afraid since you never brought it up again after I saved you, that your feelings had changed." He felt ashamed at the words now that he had said them. In his mind they had seemed more benign, less malevolent. Looking at the subtle hurt on her features, and the sudden anger in her eyes, he loved her.

"Never," she said, her eyes flashing as she leaned forward to emphasize her words. "Never think like that again-" He silenced her by moving closer and putting his mouth to hers. He felt her anger melt away as she returned the kiss. Some time later he pulled back, staring at the sudden blush that had spread across her face. She raised a hand in embarrassment, averting her eyes for a moment.

"You're right," he said, grinning like an idiot, "that sandwich does taste good."

She gave him another taste.

* * *

Akane's senses returned to her in a rush, from where she had been dozing at the edge of sleep. Stepping out of the shuttle she found that it was already evening, and the shadows were long. The police cruisers were long gone by now, and a part or her wondered if they had ever been there to begin with. She walked over to the front door, palming it open.

The main foyer was bleak and quiet as she glanced to her right, towards the room that held the secret of her mother's murder. The tell-tale blinked slowly, waiting for her to enter. She touched it, and the door slid aside. Remembrance of the pool of blood and the headless body made her shiver. She forced herself to keep a measured gait as she walked into the room.

Something was wrong. Panic welled up in her throat as she came around the chair to find the floor spotless, as if the body had never been there. She stood stock-still for a few long seconds, listening for any sign of intruders. It took her a half minute before she realized that it would have been the police who cleaned the room up, probably while she had been asleep. She sagged down into the chair with relief, cursing her mind for playing tricks on her.

The room was quiet, peaceful.

_Mom sat in this chair, whenever she came here to read._

After a few moments she shook her head. _I won't find my mother's killer just by sitting here._

The house was huge, and she had seen very little of it. Suddenly curious, she got up and returned to the main foyer, looking around. Several doors led to unknown parts of the house, but her attention was drawn to the set of stairs facing the front door.

She climbed them, wondering at something so archaic. A lift would have been much more convenient. She noted an antique chronometer in passing at the top of the stairs, set into the wall facing the top of the stairway. The small landing at the top of the stairs terminated at a closed door. She touched the tell-tale, but the light stayed red, and the door stayed stubbornly closed. She had no idea how to open it without taking apart the control mechanism itself, and she was hesitant about doing that.

Inspector Hisashi undoubtedly knew how to get in, but he had not told her the code, and she was loathe to ask him. Returning to the top of the stairs, she glanced once more at the clock set into the wall. It was very old, of the style that used twin rotating bars to indicate the time. After a moment's study, she saw that it was frozen, unmoving. Looking closer, she saw what time it had stopped on, and a chill touched the back of her neck.

Three thirty-three.

She carefully traversed the steps back down. Confined to the first floor for now, she returned to the library. Perhaps something could be found amongst the books, and at the very least she would learn more about her mother's reading habits.

Slowly going around the room, she let her gaze wander over the titles of the books. It was strange to see so many of them, since almost everything had long since been converted to electronic form. Her eyes caught on a piece of yellow paper sticking out. She pulled on the book beside it, and it moved. It was stuck to the book. Carefully peeling it off, she almost dropped the book when she saw the numbers written on the back. It was the same as the stopped clock.

She hastily stuck the note back onto the book and shoved it back into the book-case, her heart hammering.

_Why am I seeing these number everywhere?_

No answer came to her, so she walked over to what was apparently a fireplace, though she doubted an actual fire could be lit inside. Moving past it, she came to the entrance to what looked like a small study. She entered it, eager to be out of visual range of her mother's body behind her.

On the right side of the room was an empty desk. She doubted there was anything of value in the drawers, or Hisashi would have found it. The left corner of the room was dominated by a tall clock with the same ancient face design of the one on the second floor. She noted with some relief that it was not stuck on three thirty-three.

Other than these two items, the small room was bare of furnishings. Curious, she stepped over to the clock, touching the slender arms that pointed to the various numbers inscribed around the edges of the circular clock-face. To her surprise, it moved. She had expected the mechanism to be completely frozen. Idly she turned the long hand, watching as the shorter hand slowly inscribed an arc. It moved closer to the three, and she slowed down. Carefully, she moved the long hand just past the six at the bottom of the circle until it was resting in the same position as the other clock. Satisfied, she stared at it, lost in thought. She jumped at a sudden click and whoosh.

To her left, a wall had suddenly slid aside, to reveal another room. Cautiously she entered it, knowing that this part of the house was almost surely unexplored by the Inspector. Looking around the spacious room, she was amazed to see what was inside.

There was a desk with candles on it, a picture on the far wall showing a giant tower made out of human corpses and bones, and on the left wall, a black lacquered sheath held a katana. Her eyes widened and she padded over, taking it in trembling hands, almost breathless with anticipation. She broke the seal, admiring the craftsmanship of the sword itself. Her own sword was safely back aboard her ship, but this one appeared to be authentic, not a replica.

With the katana in one hand, she drifted over to the gruesome painting. It was hanging on the wall, and she didn't want to look at it any more. Lifting it from its holder, she jumped when a piece of paper fell to the floor. Setting the painting down facing the wall, she knelt to retrieve the paper.

Scanning the page, she found herself unable to decipher it at all. Glancing around in confusion, her eyes came to rest on something that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. She didn't know how she had missed it before.

It was a giant book sitting closed on a low table. She hesitantly walked over, sinking to her knees. The binding of the book was a kind of leather, or something she couldn't quite identify. Setting the page and the katana down, and reached out a hand and touched the cover. Could it be the Tome her grandmother's letter had mentioned?

_Why am I acting like this?_ she thought disgustedly. Without another thought, she opened the book.

* * *

Air travel in post-Third-Impact Japan was still restricted, but some people were still allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted due to their celebrity status. Thus it was that as the engines on this particular private jet spooled down, someone walked out onto the mobile stairs and regally stepped down them to the pavement below. The baby on her shoulder moaned once, and she cooed softly to it.

"It's okay. It's okay, Kyoko," she whispered, rubbing her hand gently up and down the small child's back. "That's right, you're finally going to meet dad." Angry eyes turned towards the horizon.

_Even someone as slow as that idiot should have proposed to her by now, so everything should be okay._

Her baby breathed softly, now asleep, and her heart's turmoil was broken, as it always was, whenever she looked at the only piece of Shinji she would ever be allowed to have.

_It's enough, though._


End file.
